“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:13-16)
Once again, God has me nestled in a place where I am forced to rely on Him. I can’t escape the fact that for the next 30 days, someone is watching little heartbeat spikes that are transmitted electronically and examined for problems. My confession? I’m scared.
You see, I’ve always been afraid of the sound of a heartbeat. From walking through a giant heart at a museum in Chicago that “thump-thumps” realistically, to reading Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell Tale Heart,” I have dreaded that sound.
Silly, isn’t it? A pretty irrational fear. Gratitude for a heartbeat would be more logical. Now, I am faced with a decision. What attitude am I going to choose? Will I face this fear or will I gently hand it over to God and accept that this is what is true in my life right now?
It doesn’t help that whenever I feel a glitch in my heartbeat, that I must push a button and call someone to tell them what I was doing. I am on constant watch over my heartbeat.
It gives me pause. God is in constant watch over my heart as well. He knows each time my heart beats. He knows the problems. He knows the answers. So, my choice: do I sit here and continue to fret and worry? Or do I choose to be grateful that someone is watching over my heart and carefully searching for problems? And no, I’m not referring to the person scanning the monitor results. . . I mean God.
Prayer: Father God, thank You that you care so much that You know me so intimately that You know the inner workings of my body. You are in no need of a device to monitor my heart. You know my heart better than anyone. Amen.
About the Author:
deni weber believes that the only true way to deal with chronic challenges is to bring them to the feet of her Lord and Savior. Her challenges have taught her many things about herself and her Christian walk. It is her fondest desire that her lessons may be helpful to others as they walk the path of chronic illness. Her website is http://www.pathwaysforchange.com/Encouragement – deni can be reached at encouragingwords@me.com .
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deni: It’s interesting how something that happened a long time ago can still have a hold on us. I remember reading “The Tell Tale Heart” a very long time ago and wish I never had.
You do have an understandable fear when your doctor orders a heart monitor for you to wear for 30 days. But, as you say, there’s a flip side: someone cares enough about you to try to determine what’s happening, in order to help you.
I have a CT scan coming up in about 10 days to see why I’ve been coughing up small amounts of blood and a large clot. I found out today that I have to take some anit-allergy meds before and that one dose will likely affect my stomach. Am I afraid? At times, although the Lord has helped me not to worry much most days; they’ve been very busy days. I really make an effort to take only one day at a time, especially with situations like this and sometimes it’s very hard.
But you are right. God knows us perfectly and is continuing to make our hearts beat. Which means He is not finished with us yet. We have the privilege of representing Him and sharing His love wherever we may be.
Thank you for writing this. I pray the Lord will give you grace and peace.
Love, Beth
deni – you know I have been praying for you with this month long monitor experience you are having.
For different reasons but still heart related, I am encouraged by your thoughts here as I have had to come to the same conclusions over these recent months in my life.
Thanks for putting it all into eloquent words!
Love,
Lynn