“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” (Romans 8:26-27)
The Lord knows us. He knows us better than anyone ever has, or ever will know us. He knows and understands our infirmities, the daily afflictions that trip us up and restrict us. There is comfort in knowing that no matter what we are going through, the Lord understands and is with us as we suffer.
Do you feel that sometimes no one can comprehend the degree of pain, frustration, or depression that your illness is causing you? Do you feel that family and friends are almost in an alternate reality without the means to fathom your existence will illness?
Sometimes it is easier to try to hide our illnesses than to spend time and energy expressing our pain and suffering that others may not be able to comprehend. We can end up isolating ourselves and missing the comfort and help others could offer to us because we are so weary of trying to explain our illnesses, and keep coming across those who either can’t comprehend, or really have no desire to try. Yet we can also miss true comfort and kindness from those who genuinely care and wish to help.
I’ve heard the saying, “Every man dies alone.” I have often thought that those who suffer, mostly do so alone as well. Though one may die alone in an ultimate sense, I do not believe or accept that we must suffer alone–without comfort or kindness from those around us.
When we celebrate, or experience a unique or exciting event, such things are much more enjoyable with friends or family to share the experience with. Yet when it comes to suffering too often it seems such things are destined to be endured in silence and loneliness. I suspect that suffering people are among the loneliest and most depressed people on earth, not because they want to be, but because so few people can, or are willing, to try to step into their shoes and reach them within their pain and misery.
Even when friends and family fail us, even when it seems we are isolated in our own difficult world of suffering and pain, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are never truly alone. God’s Spirit abides with His children, speaking and communicating our suffering in ways beyond words, beyond human understanding. There is a God who cares, and He is with us in our suffering and pain.
When you are tempted to give up trying to communicate your illness, and tired of the pat answers in response to your illness, keep in mind that there are people who care and want to help, and that you have brothers and sisters throughout the world suffering similar things.
And finally, always remember that God is with you in your affliction, and He understands what your suffer better than anyone else ever can or will. Your suffering matters to Him.
Prayer: Dear Lord, when life seems an endless path of pain and suffering, loneliness and isolation, help us to allow those reaching out to us into our lives, and let us never forget You are with us always. Amen.
About the Author:
Karlton Douglas lives in Ohio with his lovely wife. He finds that it takes greater effort to allow people into his afflictions than to keep them out.
You can now read this on your Kindle. Find out more at http://TodaysDevotionOnKindle.com
Do you sometimes feel lonely in your suffering? Are you tempted to shut others out of your affliction because it seems too difficult to share?
Thanks again, Karlton, for expressing what I’m going through! Such a gift in articulating well.
I’m relatively new to this chronic illness journey for myself….just over a year in. Yes, I’ve found that it is lonely & takes oodles of energy explaining & sometimes it draws people closer & other times it pushes them away! I’ve resorted to using a tactic that my middle son uses who has suffered for 6 years now with chronic illness. When someone asks the usual “How are you?”…..he responds with a positive sounding “Yep!” (Like my son I don’t like lying, nor do I like wasting my breath if they don’t want to hear.) Interestingly people hear what they want to hear! Those that want a positive reply say “That’s good!” Those that are intuitive, are listening or good at reading between the lines will ask “How are you REALLY?” Each answer gives me a clearer guide as to whether to really share or to politely chat.
I’ve also been reminding myself lately that I don’t have sole rights to exhaustion or suffering! Many of my friends, who are not chronically ill, have some exhausting & challenging situations too. Some who don’t hear my “Yep” answer can’t hear because they’re going through so much themselves. That’s when I put my energy into listening & praying instead & often feel better for it in that I can “do” something helpful by caring & lifting them to the Lord.
I LOVE those verses from Romans 8 ‘cos my short term memory challenges often mean that I can’t remember what I was going to pray about!! LOL! Thank goodness the Lord does! Lotsoluv Kerryn
Thank you Kerryn! Your son is a very smart guy
Blessings.
Karlton
Karlton, this subject has been heavy on my mind just lately.
I really think it’s been the hardest part of my health issues when people don’t understand at all or misunderstand and expect me to live the same way a healthy person does. It’s a great comfort to me to have the assurance that God understands me perfectly and loves me unconditionally. And, after all, the way He sees me is more important than how anyone else does.
Although it can be difficult and frightening to be vulnerable and open up about our illnesses, I agree with you that we must try. It’s worth having some rejection when we find even one compassionate person who will listen to us without jumping in with “pat answers”.
Kerryn, I commend you on your attitude, especially since your chronic illness is relatively new.
That “How are you?” question sometimes drives me nuts. I picked up a kind of cute answer from someone in my family a long time ago and use it sometimes. “Well, I’m able to sit up and take nourishment.” Normally people just laugh, but one time a friend was really worried when I said that. She said, “Oh, have you been really sick?” or something like that and I had to explain what I meant.
Good for you for recognizing that many who don’t have our type of problem may also be going through a very rough time. And being a good listener is such an encouraging character trait. It’s highly underrated in fact..
Blessings to you!
Beth
Karlton & Beth
Thanks heaps. “Yep” my middle son is a smart kid! When he was in hospital for a long stint 2 yrs ago he was only 20 at the time & both his Dr/Counsellor & Psychiatrist told me that he has an exceptionally high emotional intelligence. Psych said she’d never struck anyone like him with so many clever strategies for caring for himself & others at the same time! She even brought in her students to ask questions of him & learn from him & apparently most ended up in tears & really thanked him for his honesty. I’ve learnt much from him over his 6 years of chronic illnesses, which prepared me for my own illness journey. So I have him to thank for getting me to a good place so quickly, Beth. I chuckled at your answer Beth!! Lotsoluv Kerryn
Beth, yes, I think if we focus upon what God thinks of us more than what others think of us, we could lose much needless stress.
Blessings.
Karlton
Kerryn, you sure do have a remarkable son.
I was glad you got a chuckle from my “How are you?” answer.
May God continue to guide you both and give you His grace and peace.
Your new cyberbud,
Beth
Beth, “cyberbud” is a new term for me…..CUTE! Thanks. God bless you HEAPS! Lotsoluv Kerryn
This expresses thoughts I’m unable to express myself. The first part of the 11 years of FM, CFS, RLS,Aphasia and chronic pain was very challenging. Being in denial, I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I smiled and kept going the best I could, & crashed at home. I slept 28 hrs a day!
I was scared, didn’t know where to turn, and my family (my side of sisters, etc. did all they could to give support from miles away from home. I wrote myself notes for when I woke from a nap, I was confused. Was I married? Or did I live at home and still dating? (I had two teens and married for over 20 years). I found one of those notes and it said: I’m Cathy Turner. I’m married to Charles. He is at work. Mother and daddy have died. (recently – so the stress of grief was high).
Because I was a great actress, no one was (or is) really aware of what my situation is like.
The first two doctors I saw said, “You did this all wrong”. Next time you have an auto accident, your MUST BREAK something!: )”. They warned me of the coming lack of support, disbelievers, and lonliness. That our marriage now had a 50+ chance of going south. Of losing friends. I couldn’t fully understand why a hidden disability would be a problem. I almost died – of a broken heart. That is mending, along with the other emotional and mental issues that left our family shocked and paralized.
The few who did – who came and stayed a few days – were shocked and horrified at how life really was behind the curtains.
My oldest sister mentioned that maybe if I emailed those around me after doctor days, and keep them updated, it might help. It did, for a couple of dear friends who were already grieving the loses I was trying to comprehend.
“BUT YOU LOOK SO GOOD” is a well read staple! No one believes that there is still problems from the auto accident after 11 years? Pain enough to lose my life? Pain enough to just be stuck in a rut? To be unable to contibute to house hold duties and other things I was known for?
Along with all of thse issues came the TBI, and my husband lived with someone who was much like a dementia patient. I kept track of symptoms as they appears during the first while, and it’s pages long. Silently, we lived in a nightmare, finishing raising our two cihldren.
Then the complete silence was broken when we had to downsize and move close to his work, and nearer doctors. The news was really out. Even tho many knew about the accident and our troubles, rarely did someone realize we were in a slow drowning mode.
“You have such a beautiful spirit”, “You handle things so gracefully”, “You would never know anything is wrong.”
As kids married, grandchildren coming, symptoms were worse, and morphine and hydrocodone, and other pain meds were needed to keep things tolerable. Then came the neuro stimulator. My dear friend spent the night at the hospital, to give my husband a break.
Then came the death of my parents. And many family members, young and old died. My daughers miscarriages, my sons two fingers that was sawed off except for a string. His dying marriage and his own grief. (which he now has a beautiful wife – inside and out).
Emotionally, mentally, I was sinking. But I was always the “srong one”. The toll of “acting”, and keeping things bottled up because of lack of interest or disbelieve caused great grief, on top of grief. God got me through more than I’ll ever know.
BUT…. I finally started reaching out, for help, for comfort, to keep our home going and less stress on my caregiver husband, and myself. Mainly, I found human nature was ugly….. just as Job found out. I found out that when I was healthy and could be “fun” and entertain, I was surrounded by friends. They came to talk, to ask questions, to ask for a fair anwser…and I loved helping them. But when the shoe was on the other foot, I found out things I wish I didn’t know. I found I had more fingers on one hand than I had true friends. I found that people want to talk, but not listen. And when listening was talk therapy for me, it was viewed as ‘complaining’ to them. I found people were too busy to help, when help was desperately needed. Or worse, people who didn’t think we needed help. After all, I had a great husband. Because I had such a wonderful husband, then that took away any need that we might have. When I mentioned the stress, or a need, it was viewed as something it wasn’t meant to be. Unthankful, complaining….
Now, the topic on Chronic Pain is the growing percentages of suicide. Shocked? No! Anyone who has a chronic illness will tell you that support was the main key in getting well. Those who have medical doctors, friends, relatives, etc… that take an interest, those who drop buy to change the day with conversation….is what kept them going.
So why is it ODD that those who are lonly, or misunderstood, or talked about in a bad way, who others make assumptions that are false, who really have no care and their body languange tells you, causess isolation, lack of self esteem, and soon, deep depression.
We hear on Sundays to “love your neighbor”, “be your brothers keeper”, and as my son put it, leave church and take off that hat, and put on their secular hat, and drive away. Beautiful words, beatiful thoughts, but the ones that are sincere, are the ones that stand behind their words… I can count on a few fingers who they are.
With three breakdowns in the past few months, and a happy mask still on, it gets harder and harder to get out. And when the realization hits that “no one cares” (for the majority of friends), who wouldn’t be depressed? I’ve always found that depression is helped by giving of yourself, and so, there are ways I can still do that. It helps. Giving is a mecidine. That is what keeps my real friends driving 30 minutes to come stay a day, or one that lives over an hour wants to come. Those that have little, but make extra in their meals and drive it over (ignoring the price of gas). Sacrifice. That is true friendship, just as Jesus is a true friend of ours. He sacrificed as we should be to our brothers and sisters.
After a day of terrible pain, taking extra pills, trying to make things look nice when husband comes home – knowing he has to cook, and probably doesn’t feel like it… and we here a rumor…”she could not be in that much pain”, “she is just being lazy”, and my favorite, “she wants attention”.
The need has grown so strong for talk therapy, but driving and nacolepsy keep me close to home. But trying talk therapy on many, get the idea they are to FIX the problem. Or complaining, or being selfish. I wonder if people know how many ways we have tried to fix the problem? How much time, money and effort has gone into that one issue? And how many times have I listened as those who needed talk therapy came to me, and who it moves a person to grieve, rejoice and bond. So much is missed in sharing life.
.
Because of the leftovers of aphasia and brain injury , I have a hard time expressing myself. Therefore, I say things, or write, that don’t make since or sounds bad, but isn’t meant that way. If this is known, why do they not verify what something was said? If that is known by others, then WHY DO THEY NOT CALL, EMAIL OR ASK about the issue/situation? Why chip off more of self esteem and isolation because of fear of what you might do “wrong”, when all it would take is a quick “what do you mean?
We’ve all heard the clicheas of “I’d love to come visit, but I’m so busy”, “I should come see you, I’m sure you get lonely”. Some, we understand they are genuine. Others, we fell like asking them to be honest and just say “I don’t have time for you.”
I wonder if one day they woke up and found they were not themselves in any form or fashion? I wonder if they know they are only about 3 ft away from that happening on the streets? I wonder if they know that being healthy can change in a heartbeat? I wonder how they would feel if it happened, and they discovered the attitude of “you are disposable”?
Job is a book I read frequently. It’s me. He has my thoughts, my saying, my frustratrations. But, God used the experience to prove Job, to see his friends responses, to see the oil of love shown.
One little story that brought sorrow to my heart…. Two ladies know my situation – whether they believe it, I don’t know. They see me fall asleep when I can make it to church. They hear me answer someone about being in pain, the shots, the confusion, the feelings of sorrow that my husband has double the responsibility, the frustration of not remembering how to cook, being blad that hubby knows how to cook, and does a good job. Wishing the house was cleaner before they came…etc… (feelings that come in bits and pieces over the years).
I had a little party, and the hostess asked those attending if they would write in a card she had, something they liked about me. She said, “this will help Cathy on her bad days, to look and see what her friends write”. These ladies were the closest to “friends” that were able to come. Keep in mind what my body is fighting, okay? They loved my energy I had! ENERGY! Energy in our house is what is used when plugging in a lamp.
That told me alot, and it shocked the hostess. “Are these women from your church?” Yes. Communication is broken down, and while I would like it to be fixed, I’m in the minority with my husband.
One thing that we all must learn, and that is ONLY God loves us unconditionally…so much that he gave us Jesus. Jesus is love. Love is Jesus. We can lean on NO MAN, or expect anything out of anyone. Just because this might be foreign to us when we were healthy, to some, this is called “religion”.
If the thought crosses your mind, “maybe Cathy should try having them over, or asking them to go out, or giving them a little gift, or being interested in their life, maybe it would help.”
It takes two, it takes a willingness to be a friend, and a friend will do things and not expect anything in return. Except, respect as a human being who is struggling. But, I’m learning that that is setting the expectations too high.
The authors quote: “when it comes to suffering too often it seems such things are destined to be endured in silence and loneliness. I suspect that suffering people are among the loneliest and most depressed people on earth, not because they want to be, but because so few people can, or are willing, to try to step into their shoes and reach them within their pain and misery.”
Like others have said, I do not have the corner on suffering, and love it when others reach out in their need for someone to talk to who understands. If your head hurts, I care. If you have a stomach aches, I care. A friend shares in all things, but what I’ve learned in these 11 years, is those who are suffering long term, will suffer alone. Unless they have God. Job showed us that perfectly.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Cathy. I think our living with afflictions is one of the biggest things God has trusted us with, I’ve often said: I think he gives me too much credit on that score.
Dealing with the expectations of others will wear us down. Somehow we must find a way to accept ourselves as we are, and absorb the fact that God loves us for who we are, not for what we can do for Him. Accepting ourselves and accepting the reality that our illnesses will limit our abilities can help us to avoid disappointment and discouragement due to unrealistic expectations of ourselves, and from others. If others are in denial about our limitations, the problem is theirs, and not ours.
I pray things will improve for you, and I think expressing your feelings is healthy and can help you avoid discouragement from bottling up your frustrations
Take care and God Bless.
Karlton
Oh Cathy…..my heart goes out to you! You expressed so well what it’s like. Am praying…..about all I can “do”!! Amen to Karlton’s comments. Hugs to you Cathy. Lotsoluv Kerryn