Can people depend on you? When they question their dependence –and your feelings are hurt– is it your problem. . . or theirs?
By Lisa Copen
“Are you coming?” I am asked. I had called earlier in the week to see if the event was on for Saturday evening–merely hours away now. But days had passed since my call. I didn’t know if it was happening or not. And I hate not knowing.
I call again Saturday by 9:30 AM, leave a message.
But things need done. Grocery shopping, couponing, cleaning the fridge. Weeks of extra pain have resulted in procrastination. I haven’t been to the grocery store in weeks. Stuff . . . needs. . . done. “I have to know,” I tell my husband. “Now. I have to pace myself if we are going.”
As we both are scrubbing parts of the refrigerator another hour has passed. We decide not to go, even if the event is on. We want to go but can’t sacrifice our day to discover the event is cancelled in a few hours. Maybe next time.
An hour later, the phone rings. “Yes, we are on,” she says cheerfully.
“Oh.” Ummm. . . She has even arranged a sitter for our kids.
“Are you coming? Because if not, we have to cancel the event. We need enough people to make it worthwhile.” She has to know now. Or calls need to be made, sitters cancelled, people apologized to–and people apologized for–like me. “Lisa can’t come so we are canceling” I can hear people being told. My pride throbs.
It was not a good weekend to schedule an event such as this anyway, she admits. But she is supporting her spouse, and he wants it to happen. It has already been rescheduled once before. Originally, I thought the scheduling odd. But I had decided to go–after all, they were depending on me. Now, so many have cancelled, it may not happen. It depends on me. Me! Why does it depend on me?
“I really need a 12-hour buffer” I share. . . admitting my weaknesses. “To attend a two-hour event I need time to conserve energy and time to recover,” I calmly say. I never say this. I never talk about what my body really requires in order to do small outings. Lately it is worse than usual. And it’s complicated. People . . . don’t. . . understand. I barely understand.
“I understand,” she says, “I told my husband, ‘you can’t really depend on Lisa –because of her health issues.’”
Ugh. Can’t depend on Lisa? Nineteen years of illness, 19 years of daily pain, and it took 18 of them for me to learn to say, “No, I can’t come.”
I have learned to pace. I have learned I don’t have anything to prove. I have learned to prioritize the pressures so my body doesn’t flare out of control and make me cancel events for months, rather than just a day. And now, after a couple cancellations, I have become Can’t-Depend-On-Lisa.
Can’t depend on Lisa?
“We will be there,” I say.
I will be there if the sky is falling. I will be there NO MATTER WHAT! You can depend on me, I want to scream.
I hang up. “We are going” I tell my husband.
I go to the grocery store. . . 2 hours. I push the cart, straining, praying nothing in my body goes wrong. That my shoulders stay in place. I calculate coupons. . . through the fuzz in my brain. And I hear . . .
Can’t depend on Lisa. . . Don’t depend on Lisa. . . Can’t count on Lisa. . .
I feel sick, angry, heart-broken. I am frustrated, sad.
–I am annoyed that I am annoyed!
I want to add up all the times people have disappointed me, when I have depended on others to watch my son when I had surgery and they carelessly cancelled. The babysitters who have “forgotten they had something else to do” hours before their arrival. The housekeeper who decided to just not show up to get even with me about something she didn’t like. So many people have not been dependable in my life (if I wanted to make a list.)
“Do make a list,” Satan whispers to me. “Remember when you couldn’t depend on her or him or them during that and during then. Remember when. . . Remember when. . . ”
But this is not truth. Even though people have disappointed me, I know in my heart –I know– this was not how she would ever–ever–want me to feel.
She tells me I am her hero. She listens when she doesn’t understand. She prays with me. She watches my child. She meant, “Don’t pressure Lisa into being the deciding person for there to be a quorum.” She wanted to remove the pressure of my attendance. She would never intentionally hurt me. She has been there during some of my darkest days–when it was midnight–and I was crying–literally. . . she held me. As we were at the hospital hoping to bring our adoptive babe home, as she checked on our cat, she sat in my son’s soon-to-be nursery and prayed the adoption would go smoothly. Because she had suffered those same pains.
God reminds me, “She doesn’t know what it is like to be you, to live in your skin, My child. Her skin holds its own aches. And she doesn’t know how those word can sting because of your pride. Remember pride is sinful. It only causes you pain. She meant it all in love. You do not have the right to interpret this as being hurtful, because you know that is not My truth. Let it go.”
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Why?
Because it hurts because of my sensitives–not because of any malice. How quickly I could have grabbed onto the sting of the words and ruined something precious.
Pride is a sin that only hurts us. We can be hurt, but what is the source of that hurt? Were words spoken in malice, or in love and then misinterpreted? Do I lash out because the one who speaks the simple words is not aware of my pride? Do you?
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.
Hmmmmmm……timely indeed for me Lisa! Thank you. Sorry you had to hurt so much…..hugs!
I’ve had something very similar happen just last week that hurt really badly!! I won’t go into it, but suffice to say it hurt very much. There were steep learning curves for myself & others at church over it & a realization that some things, done in love, almost feel that they are choking me! More time in prayer, more steep learning curves, more letting go & more refining! I’m learning to set clearer boundaries for my sake & others….PHEW! Pooped!! Hugs. Lotsoluv Kerryn
Know that everyone is different and has unique circumstances and challenges. If I were to be invited to a friend’s house, I would be over the moon with joy and the possibility of fellowship with others. I would throw out all those lists of really meaningless things like “cleaning the refrigerator, couponing, etc.” and save up all my energy to be able to go though I would end up paying for every minute with pain the entire next night and day.
You see when I sustained a severe and permanent back injury 11 years ago (age 45), all the choices that you have were taken away from me. I cannot choose to clean the refrigerator because I have to lie flat on my back 98% of the time and deal with excrutiating pain 24/7. Fluff stuff like couponing is a thing so foreign to me because just surviving one minute to the next is sometimes the most overwhelming thing possible.
You don’t know what a blessing you have that you still have friends who haven’t deserted you. Sounds like you are still mobile and that is another blessing because you can still decide.
One day, I was an active RN with a family and church, the next minute, I got severely injured and everything came to a screetching halt. Because I am flat on my back, my friends dwindled away one by one because “I couldn’t DO anything.” One “friend” even asked me “well what CAN you do?” When I explained, basically nothing, but I would love her to come over and watch a movie, or just talk, etc., I never heard from her again. She was my lifelong friend I had for 40 years and I watched it all blow away in an instant. My supposed “church family” is still over there inside their “church” coming and going without any care for those of us who can no longer participate.
Hope that while those of you who still have mobility, make choices to take those priceless opportunities that are given, because some day you may be like me and not have choices. Believe me, cleaning the refrigerator in lieu of getting to have the company of friends would not be a choice I would even consider. Don’t believe my refrigerator has been cleaned in a year and it really doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things, not does couponing. Just having grace enough to tolerate the pain and isolation are big blessings that really do have meaning that I don’t think a lot of people can appreciate until one day, they don’t have it.
Lisa, thank you so much for this article. This is the one issue that I have dealt with the most since I began having chronic daily migraines in June of 2009.. Thankfully, no one has actually said to me what was said to you, but they haven’t needed to – I’ve been saying it to myself! I am so frustrated with my own body’s unreliability that most of the time I don’t even make plans. Even doctor visits have to get rescheduled or cancelled because of my migraines.
Anyway, I guess we all know the frustration of wanting to be dependable, especially with our less-than-perfect circumstances. I’m so thankful that we have the creator of the universe right here with us all the time. He’s always dependable.
Lisa, like you I can’t be depended on. I may not know until a few minutes it’s time to go somewhere that it’s just not wise for me to do this thing. When I first had this mentioned to me I know I was devastated.
I too have been learning to pace myself. That it’s okay to say “No”, that I have nothing to prove, etc. I am learning that it’s the Lord I need to please most of all, not my husband, children, friends or church. He gives me peace when I make a decision that may or not annoy someone, as long as I follow His guidance.
From what you say about the dear friend whose words hurt deeply, I agree that she would not have wanted to wound you. It amazes me sometimes that, even those who have a lot of understanding of us and our conditions, still don’t (can’t?) totally get it. But that’s where our expectations can let us down.
Recently, a man in our church told his wife that she shouldn’t pressure me to do some particular thing. That was because he didn’t know I’d already offered. And I do want to be able to make decisions myself and not have others fearful of asking me. Sure, I like to be asked without a lot of pressure.
Yes, I suppose pride is the basic problem with this issue. We don’t want people thinking or saying negative things about us. But we are still human and the Lord understands our weakness.
Thanks so much for writing this for us. Once again, I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable.
Blessings to you, dear Lisa
Oh Teresa, my heart went out to you when I read your comments! You sure have had a rough time in your journey. Lifting you to the Lord now for His comfort, love, peace & surprise blessings. I can’t “do” anything either, so your comment…. “Just having grace enough to tolerate the pain and isolation are big blessings that really do have meaning” really spoke to me, so thanks. I too am totally isolated….only getting to Dr & Naturopath appts, & His grace in the circumstances has blessed me mightily too. Sending hugs from 1 “shut-in” to another. Lotsoluv Kerryn
Hi Kerryn,
Thank you for your kind thoughts and reply. I am so very sorry that you too are shut in and isolated. I will pray that God continues to give you the strength you need to get through those painful moments when we just hang on by a thread. Just remember, the thread that is our lifeline is even stronger than the strongest silk because it is our Heavenly Father who shows us daily that He is right there standing holding us up with those threads of steel.
When you feel alone or down, please remember that you have a partner over here with me. I will pray for your continued strength to deal with your pain and trials as they come and rejoice with you when you have a better day. Kindly, Teresa
Thanks Teresa. Hugs. Loved this sentence……”Just remember, the thread that is our lifeline is even stronger than the strongest silk because it is our Heavenly Father who shows us daily that He is right there standing holding us up with those threads of steel.” How beautifully worded….I absolutely agree. Lotsoluv Kerryn
Thank you for writing this. It is like you were writing about me.
Thanks, Mickey. I am so sorry you COULD relate, and yet, one of the wonderful things about the Internet is our chance to know we are not alone. bless you, Lisa