Special Interview with Renee Bondi

Reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine 2004

I was having a ball with wedding plans; my music program was a huge success; I was blessed to have had the opportunity to travel and see the world; I had friends and family to love. My life was full, and I saw nothing but blue skies above,” she writes in her book The Last Dance But Not the Last Song. But in May 1988, after a romantic weekend as a prom chaperone with her fiancé, her life would take a dramatic dive—literally.

She went to bed filled with innocent anticipation of life ahead, but awoke “diving” off the foot of her bed. She simply remembers being in mid- air and thinking, “Huh?” and then hitting the floor. Filled with searing pain in her neck and shoulders, she thought, “I’ve really done it now. . . I’ve got a real kink in my neck.”

Later at ICU, however, the doctor would tell her, “You’ll never walk again. . .” and he would be right. That night, Renée became a quadriplegic, having no feeling below the top of her chest. He also told her, however, “You’ll never be able to sing. . .” —and he would be wrong. He didn’t know Renée, her fierce determination and passionate spunk; nor did he understand her faith that would propel her forward through any challenges she would face. Today, Renée has sold over 100,000 albums and she travels throughout the United States singing and speaking for Christian conferences, church events, and youth rallies. But the closest thing to her heart right now is simply being a wife and a mother, miracles that she acknowledge astonish her daily.

I arrived at the church to meet with Renée a bit frazzled, as my directions were confusing. I had also read Renée’s book and I was experiencing a sense of nerves at meeting this inspiring woman. I no longer wanted to sit and just interview her; I wanted to have a relaxing cup of coffee and chat about how she had encouraged me through her honest and raw written words. I started out my conversation with her laughingly sharing how much I related with her frustration of not being able to wear cute, feminine shoes. It’s those little things that make one feel an instant bond.

Despite our surroundings of being in a cubby-hole behind the stage where she would perform in a few minutes when she spoke it was Holy Ground where I would sit with her. Renée’s deep faith and daily surrender were immediately evident.

HK: Many people find losing more abilities the hardest part of living with a chronic condition. How do you get through tough moments?

RB: I’ve often wondered what would it be like if I had something like MS where I wouldn’t really know where I’m going to be in a year. One may wake up tomorrow with some paralysis or dysfunction. At the beginning we felt that way, but after fifteen years, I know what I have is pretty much what I have. I know what tomorrow is going to bring. I don’t have the fear that you may, unless I don’t take care of myself. What has helped me over the years is knowing that with God I can handle anything.

I didn’t have that confidence when I was young, but now I know that I can get through anything–including being confined to the wheelchair– because tomorrow is another day and it could be better. I don’t want to sound like a Pollyanna at all, but I know I’m not going to stay this way forever. I can even have this outlook with the worst case scenario: let’s say I get a pressure wound that gets horrible and infected and I get a staph infection and die. . . Still, it’s not horrible. I will go to Heaven where I get to dance again and run and play and be able to use my body. What most people would call the very worst scenario isn’t bad.

HK: I think that describes the “joy of the Lord is my strength” because a lot of people would say tomorrow could be worse.

RB: And it could be, but you’re not doing yourself any favors.

HK: You’ve had some time where you’ve been bedridden for months. What kinds of things get you through these lonely times?

RB: I think what you can do when you’re having a bad day, rather than being depressed about it, is to go ask yourself, “What can I do to make this better? Am I taking care of myself? Do I have the right medical care and attendant care? Have I made good amends with my family? Do I have a relationship with family members or are they estranged? What changes can I make myself?” Rather than dwell and woe about my life, I need to really ask myself, “What can I do?”

HK: You’ve found a certain peace by having a ministry from your experience. How would you encourage someone who is in deep pain, but still waiting for God to reveal His purpose?

RB: I think it’s really important to know that God does not waste our suffering or pain. I had been through junk, pain and suffering, but others wanted to know, “How do you smile in that wheelchair?” It allowed me to share and question, “How do I?” I was able to realize that God was using everything I had been through for a larger purpose. So I would encourage people to help others in their pain because (a) it helps you get out of your own and put your focus on somebody else; and (b) it gives you purpose to live with the pain.

HK: What’s been the most surprising thing about being a mom with disability?

RB: How quickly my son adapted to my disability. He was only about 12 or 18 months old. . . He needed to get out of the crib and I would calmly say, “Daniel, I’m going to help you get out of the crib. Be very careful and listen to mommy. Grab around my head and hold on tight. Do not let go because mommy cannot catch you. Mommy cannot catch you.” And he’d grab around my neck and climb out and crawl into my lap. How he got out of that crib and onto my lap was amazing. I was so surprised.

HK: I think that’s very encouraging for us moms to hear. Many of us are even more nervous than an average mom about how our child will adapt to different abilities we have.

RB: Oh good. Yes! I was very nervous about the infant stage. Very nervous.

HK: If you could reshape how a church reaches out to the disabled community, what would be your vision or your dream?

RB: Some churches are doing an excellent job, but I think they are far and few between. I think that’s something we as disabled people should take on. We ask ourselves, “What do I have to offer to society?” and this is a huge job —to come to our pastor or parish advisory board and say, “What are we doing really to minister to the disabled? Can I help? Can I start a Bible study for the disabled? Can I make sure we have an accessible church? Where can we sit comfortably? Not all together, for example. If I’m disabled, how can I sit with my family?”

It’s absolutely important not to go in with a hardened heart and with an attitude of, “You owe it to me, you’re my church!” But rather offer yourself to be part of the solution. Don’t be an angry, bitter, demanding person.

I would love to see everything accessible, Bible studies that speak specifically to suffering, and signers for hearing impaired at all services, and my absolute dream would be to have a disabled person on staff. I love the fact that many churches have disability Sunday. Sunday school for children. That’s so hard and I understand why it doesn’t happen because it takes the right people. It’s a big job description—for people to have special education skills and also a relationship with Christ. But it’s a dream.

HK: What dreams do you have for your ministry and how God will continue to work in you and your family’s life?

RB: When I was laying in the ICU, I never dreamed I’d now be a wife and a mom—well. . .yes, I did, because I was in denial: “Of course I will be!” But later . . . after denial, I realized this is real, this is my “thing.” Now, to be a wife and a mom and be able to reach out to others is just more than I deserve.

I am in a very, very, very serious place of being a wife and a mom. If I was in my 20’s and single, I’d want to travel and be a recording artist and speak and minister to others on a grand scale, get a record deal, that sort of thing. But I just have no desire; it’s exhausting to parent this way, there is no doubt about it. I’ve had to get very creative at times—very creative. But more importantly, I want to be a good wife; It’s really about being a good wife in order to be a good mom. That’s the gift we’re going to give our son—mom and dad being okay.

This year I was in bed for seven months on my stomach 24 hours a day, seven days a week, while a pressure wound healed; after that I finally got back up in the chair and had other health problems. It was very taxing on our marriage, very difficult. But we finally survived it. We really started praying for joy. We wanted to be joyful. We were whining and cranky. It was very ugly and so we prayed for God to return our joy.

This year Mike and I went through what everyone expected us to go through fifteen years ago, like when everyone was saying, “What is Mike doing marrying a quadriplegic. Does he realize what he’s giving up?” He realized it this year. But now, we’re much, much better.

Again, I had to step back and look at it without being emotional and ask, “What can I do to help the situation?” I started meditating on Philippians 4:8, “Whatever is true…” and so while I was stuck in bed I’d go through that verse. Okay, what is true? God loves me. What is true? I’m a quadriplegic and I need to find a way to be joyful. What is noble? Mike being married to me. What is pure? Daniel’s smile. What is lovely? I can see the sky outside.

Once I started meditating on this my attitude and heart started to change and I became someone my husband wanted to be around. Mike said, “Okay, that’s the woman I married. She left for awhile, but she’s back now.”

I taped Scriptures on 3 x 5 cards and put them by my bed, and I’d say them over and over, sometimes putting melodies to them. It really helped pass the day in a good way. I also watched every romantic comedy on video, but I got to where I needed more. I called Joni Eareckson Tada and said, “What can I do? I’ve prayed. I need some new ideas! I’m going down for the count!” She said that it was during these times that she began memorizing the second, third and fourth verses of hymns.

Sometimes it’s hard to pray. I remember soon after the accident when I was in the hospital and a chaplain came to pray with me. She said, “Let’s pray,” and I said, “I don’t feel like it. . .” She told me to breath in and say “Jesus.” Then slowly breath out and say “Mercy. . .” “Jesus. . . Mercy. . .” and soon my heart began to soften.

HK: Thanks so much for sharing with us, Renée. I know you will encourage many.

Visit Renee Bondi’s web site for more information on her ministry, her speaking, music and more, including her latest book and CD (where you can hear samples.)

Lisa Copen had the honor of interviewing Renee Bondi.

Caregiver Perspective on Doubt

Doubt is a great hindrance to those who care for a chronically ill person. Doubt prevents us from believing that God will answer our prayers. Some of us have lived so long in the shadows of illness that we have little hope.

Our heads speak to God, but His comfort never reaches our hearts. Even as we pray we believe that tomorrow we will face the same situation all over again. We know that God can change our lives, but we doubt that He will.

My husband has an intra-thecal pump installed in his body that administers pain medication directly into his spinal column. This device makes his pain bearable. Because of pain in all other joints of his body, he must take other medications as well; and we know that drugs will always be part of our lives.

He begins some days with a minimum of pain. On these days, he optimistically says he is going to ask the doctor to decrease the medicine in his pump. Even as I praise God for this improvement, I wonder how long it will be before he says that he hurts worse than ever.

It is an emotional roller-coaster for me; casting me from positive encouragement to negative pessimism in a matter of a few hours.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could command our troubles to “go jump in the lake!” and rid ourselves of doubt? The good news is that we can! Jesus said in Matthew 21:21 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.”

This mountain is a specific mountain which for us is chronic illness. When you pray, believe that— though you may wake up and face the same situation again tomorrow—God will give you the strength to do that.

Think about it. The simple fact that you have a willing heart and are able to do the same things over and over again is clear evidence that God is answering your prayers. Have faith and do not doubt. Your mountain can become beach sand when you trust in God’s love.

Lora Chandler has been in a care giving role since 1982 when her husband began his life-long struggle with pain due to a bone disease. Lora welcomes your comments at lorac@yucca.net.

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A Talk Over Tea – Too Many Angels?

I was exhausted and sore, but also bored, and a Saturday evening with television shows featuring violence was not about to put me in the Christmas spirit. So I went to rent a movie, glad to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Something in me sparked as I drove past the fabric store with all of the Christmas decorations, and before I could convince myself otherwise, I had pulled into the parking lot.

As I walked in, I was surrounded by glitz and multiple miniature Christmas trees with branches heavy with ornaments. Beside me stood a woman and her husband and she was telling him something. Then he raised his voice a bit so that I could overhear the conversation.

“But you already have seven angels! Why do you need another one?” he questioned her with desperation in his voice.

I smiled at the fact that he actually knew the exact number of angels she had. Was he counting today as he hauled them out of storage? I wondered.

And, as I walked to the next aisle, unable to hear his wife’s response, I asked myself, “Can you ever have too many angels?” Just last week, standing in the toy aisle, searching for a Christmas gift for my niece, I asked a little girl about her age, “Can you ever have enough Barbies?”

Perhaps we can have enough Barbies (although, not according to the child I asked) but, can we ever have enough angels?

I think not. Whether we feel the presence of the angels that God sends our direction, or not, they are there taking care of us as WE go about our day. In the 80’s, I enthusiastically sang along with Amy Grant’s Angels Watchin’ Over Me because it reminded me that “a reckless car ran out of gas, before it came my way.” Every time I pass an accident alongside the road I thank God for his protection.

God has promised that angels will protect us while He prepares our eternal home (Exodus 23:20). Angels have been known to tell us to get some sleep and something solid to eat (1 Kings 19:5).

Angels have “shut the mouths of lions” that want to devour us (Daniel 6:22). They’ve torn off the handcuffs (Acts 12:7) and have given strength where and when it is needed (Luke 22:43).

Despite the cute figurine representations and their ability to glow in the dark, we must be cautious not to worship the angels, because they are merely messengers of God. But will I ever lose the need of receiving messages from my Savoir? Nope! Bring ‘em on, I want to holler.

I could use a few “handcuffs,” things that bind me, to drop away. I could even use an angel that would ask, “Should you really be having that second cup of coffee?”

Images of angels abound throughout Christmas, and the Christmas story is no exception. Perhaps my greatest need right now is an angel like the one who visited Mary and the shepherds and reassured them all, “Do not be afraid.”

Even during the season of joy, life can be difficult, and we all need a messenger from God sent to us that simply says, “Do not be afraid. The Lord God is with you.”

I hope God sends you an angel this season with the message that you need to hear. And in case you’re wondering—the woman at the fabric store left in front of me with two new angels and a beaming smile.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and is currently working on a Christian book for moms who live with chronic illness. Lisa has rheumaoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and is recovering from a recent hand surgery.

Want to Dance?

The thirteen-year-old boy watched his fellow classmates dance to the lively music. Part of him wanted to be out there with them. Another part just wanted to stand by the wall. He began to wonder why he had even come to the after-school dance.

Before he had a chance to figure out why he was there, a girl from one of his classes walked up to him and asked him the question he didn’t expect to hear, “Want to dance?”

The boy hesitated a moment and then answered, “No, thank you.” He never danced that day. He just stood by the wall, leaning on his crutches and wondering how a crippled kid could dance.

Twenty years later, the kid on crutches is now a man in a wheelchair. I’m not sure what happened to the girl who asked me to dance. She may not even remember asking the question, but I remember.

I look back on that day and regret that I didn’t dance. Yes, I was on crutches, but she didn’t seem to mind. So, why did I?

I’m more crippled than I was twenty years ago. Legs that once were merely weak are now lifeless. Arms that once maneuvered crutches now hang limp. I may be physically weaker, but I’ve learned how to dance.

God has taken my sorrow. He has taken my pain. He has taken my long nights when all seemed hopeless. He has taken my mourning and turned it into dancing. My body may sit motionless, but my spirit dances to the music God has placed in my heart.

God desires to do the same for you. He yearns to take your sorrow and turn it into joy. God asks you the same question a thirteen-year-old girl asked me, “Want to dance?”

Jason Mitchener was born with a rare neuromuscular disease that now confines him to an electric wheelchair and requires him to use a ventilator to breathe. He lives in Phoenix, AZ is the author of Just Passing Through: Notes from a Fellow Traveler. Visit his web site at: http://www.JasonMitchener.com

Lessons From the River

Less than a month ago I was waiting for test results to shed some light on the pain and numbness I had been feeling. When Jeff asked if I wanted to go canoeing with him and three guys from church, I started to decline; I was beginning to withdraw from friends.

It was easier for me to stay home; canoeing and camping would make me dependent on them. But with their reassurances and encouragement from my wife, I decided to go along.

By evening of the third day, I start to “get it.” As we paddled in two days ago, I felt strangely at peace, no longer worried about my limitations. With each stroke I was soon quietly singing each line from the Doxology:

“Praise God from who all blessings flow (splash), Praise Him all creatures here below (splash) Praise Him above ye heavenly host, (splash) Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (splash)”

Reflecting on the long list of blessings that God has given me I feel humbled, but also loved. I am as sure of His presence and goodness as the water laps on the rocks.

I’ve noticed joy starting to seep out in what I’m saying and doing. Each meal has become a celebration of God’s provision, and as Casey noted, it now isn’t complete until I have declared it “the best camp meal I’ve ever had.” Chores are opportunities to serve my brothers in Christ; in the cold morning when I’m moving slowly, to accept their service with joy and humility.

Conversation is a blessing and a comfort. None of this would have happened had my friends accepted my initial refusal to come along.

I have finally been able to express this lesson to my friends: God indeed loves me. I know He is good, He is powerful, and He could heal me. Echoing Shadrach’s words before being thrown into Nebuchadnezzar’s fiery furnace,

“…and if not…” (see Daniel 3:16-18). If it doesn’t happen, I will still praise Him. For I see the extent to which He has already healed me: through His Son, He has healed my heart, my mind, and my soul. Even on a simple camping trip, He is still healing me. I praise Him for what He has done already, and as I’ve learned these last few days, I will gratefully accept each day as a gift from His loving hands. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow…”

Matthew Atkinson lives in Cottage Grove, MN with his wife Elspeth and two girls. He works, volunteers with his church’s children’s ministry, and is a Lay Counselor in his Congregational Care Ministry.

Reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine, published by Rest Ministries.

Create a Party in Your Pocket

“Has anyone planted a vineyard and not begun to enjoy it? Let him go home, or he may die in battle and someone else enjoy it,” (Deuteronomy 20:6).

Friends think I am starting to get a bit silly. Our world is full of war and uncertainty, leaving many feeling weary and heavily burdened with concern and fear. Even the television refuses to allow us to escape, as dramas of crimes and gore are written for “our viewing pleasure.”

In rebellion against this evil, I’ve decided to start seeing things through the eyes of a child. I’ve put aside my conservative, rational, boring self and am focusing on creating my own moments of joy, regardless of how silly they seem. I decorate with red pillows year-round (to the horror of one shopper, who said red was for Christmas!) I bought a faux-fur-covered notepad for my purse and found a pen that looks like a miniature doll fixed on an ink cartridge. I want more moments of instantaneous laughter in my life and more reasons to smile. I want “pockets of parties” to surround me to keep me focused on the joy that God provides, no matter how small. I need a bit of silliness to stay sane.

There will be moments of hurt and confusion; we may doubt that we will ever experience joy again. But during these moments, we may still numbly plant our vineyards— and then never enjoy them! Illness isn’t fun. Unless we seek to create pockets of parties, there won’t be laughs during the longings or pleasures while getting through the pain.

So the next time you smile at something and think, “No, that’s way too silly. . .” say yes! Play with your kid’s putty in the waiting room. Get crayons. Buy a fun hat. Wear the hot-pink scarf that someone gave you as a gag gift. Live a little.

Teach me how to enjoy the vineyard, God, that You have blessed me with this season.

Lisa Copen

How Long Do I Have to Live With This Illness, Lord?

Excerpt from Think It Not Strange: Making Peace With Chronic Pain by Claudette Palatsky

My prayer journal scribbling illustrates my desperation. “How long, O Lord? Will this ever end? Will it become worse before it gets better? Oh, God! I fear I can’t bear another minute and still, time marches on. Can’t You make it stop? Once, in Your Word, I read that the sun stood still and the moon stopped, for about a whole day. So surely You are capable, Lord, of just the opposite.

How long till the withdrawing is final? How long till the morphine is completely out of my system? What if I can’t wait? It seems I am hanging on by only a thread. You see me here, God. How long before this situation changes? In giant print I am writing to remind You that You are the only One who can do anything about this! I just want to die. Help me now, Father, oh, please help me now!”

One thing that kept me sane during this time was reading God’s Word and listening to praise music to renew my mind. Hour after hour I tried to focus my thoughts on the Lord. He showed me two verses in the book of Isaiah that helped me see that He was, indeed, working on my behalf.

The first one was: “Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him,” (30:18). His waiting to move out in your situation does not mean the Lord is “kicking back” like we often do during times of inaction. The Lord does not sleep or slumber. He is not slack or lazy. He never wastes time. His timing is perfect.

The second verse that brought me comfort was: “For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him,” (64:4). He has a time for everything and we need only have the sense that God’s timing is perfect. Trusting him when we are hurting is an act of faith. Seeing our situation from a timeless perspective requires prayer.

There is a miracle, recounted for us in 2 Kings, chapter six, that may help. Elisha prayed for his fearful servant, that God would open his eyes to the unseen. The invisible army was made visible. Those that would be with them were more in number than those on the enemy’s side! Greater, too, is Christ in you than anything this life can throw your way.

As long as we are mesmerized by our dark and confusing circumstances, we will be unable to look past ourselves to what’s really happening in the spiritual realm (remember, for our good and for His glory). The writer of Ecclesiastes penned: “He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap,” (11:4).

We must be still and wait on the Lord! It is not waiting in vain. The important thing is to regard Who (not what) we are waiting on! We are rendered fruitless when we fix our eyes on our surroundings.

Instead, let us take the advice in Hebrews 12:2-3, and “look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

We must “consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.” Psalm 123:1-2 eloquently reiterates: “Unto You I lift up my eyes, O You who dwell in the heavens. Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters, as the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, Until He has mercy on us.”

We may not see or feel it right away, but God’s Word clearly indicates that He is worth the wait. You may be asking, “But just how long do I have to wait?”

Two verses in the book of First Peter explain: “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,” (1:6-7).

In chapter five, verse ten (of this same book), it says: “May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.” Now I don’t know about you, but I want to know what is meant by a while!

How long was that? When would I know my while was over? In the book of James it says: “Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord, that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful,” (5:11).

What if Job had given up? He surely wouldn’t have seen the final blessing, which included “twice as much as he had before.” The Bible is clear that: “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven,” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

The Lord knows when enough is enough. He sees the end of our frayed rope. He does not allow us to go beyond what we’re able to endure. He gives strength for the trudging, though only day by day (See Deuteronomy 33:25, Psalm 84:7).

The end may not be in sight now, but it does exist. We may not be able to see it while we are prisoners of pain, but there is a release date. “Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law, that You may give him rest from the days of adversity,” (Psalm 94:12-13).

Even those dealing with chronic pain can experience closure if they look for it. Think of your life of pain as a book. We know that the last chapter for the believer is in Revelation 21:4. “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Meditate on the following Psalm references as you wait on the Lord:

• Psalm 130:5: “I wait for the Lord. . .”
• Psalm 57:1: “Be merciful to me, O God. . .”
• Psalm 71:20-21: “You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again. . .”
• Psalm 27:14: “Wait on the Lord. . .”
• Psalm 40:1-2: “I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me. . .”

PRAYER:
May I see the eternal view and not look at current circumstances. Help me to focus on You, looking up instead of on things around me. Be the lifter of my head. I don’t want to give up on You and try to work things out according to my own limited understanding of the situation.


I believe You have the greater good in mind. Help me trust You are working while I wait. Increase my faith, Lord, to endure in Your grace and power. Encourage my heart to not give up. Show me creative ways to pass the time. Help me count my blessings. Keep me prayerful.


Claudette resides with her husband and their  son in California. Claudette is a columnist for Rest Ministries’ HopeKeepers Magazine, called “Drawing Near.” She has been featured on Rest Ministries podcast, Hope Endures speaking about I Feel Guilty Because I am Not Doing Enough! Listen here!

Tis is excerpted from Claudette’s book,Think It Not Strange: Making Peace With Chronic Pain © 2003,. Visit her web site wit encouragment, a printable study guide and moe at www.thinkitnotstrange.com.

My Broken Heart

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens,” (Psalm 68:19).

How does a broken heart heal Lord?
Where do you take all the pain?
Do you remove it and store it in darkness?
Or is it the thunder I hear with the rain?
Are the stars little explosions of heartbreak?
Is the sea filled up with the dread
of brokeness, tears and heartache
of the lonely, afflicted, mislead?
God where do you place all the hurting?
Where does all that pain lie?

Child why is it you ask me such questions
when the answer has always been thine
The cross is where all of that hurting
all the pain and suffering you tend
no matter what your affliction
My Son’s sacrifice dealt with its end
Any tears that you shed hereafter
I store in heavenly jars
They’re my treasured pearls and keepsakes
’til I have you safe in my arms

I love you my child can you hear me?
My cry of devotion echoes through eternity,
poured out in the blood of Jesus
so that I can have you always and forever
created you were just for me.

Julie Munro lives in New Zealand and is a solo mum to her daughter Hannah. Julie deals with the effects of endometriosis, chronic fatigue, and other illnesses, with a sense of humor and is learning to let the joy that is felt in God’s constant presence help her make it through each day.

Reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine, 2004

When The Doctor Becomes Ill: Interview with Carrie Carter, MD

Lisa sits down with doctor Carrie Carter to discuss how life changed for this doctor one day when she because the patient. This is reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine, 2004.

“I woke up feeling better than usual and I’m not a morning person. I was driving to work and pulled into the parking lot when everything around me began spinning so fast I couldn’t see anything and didn’t know where I was. I held onto the steering wheel and the pinwheel feeling lasted a few minutes. Finally it settled enough so that I could see the horizon and I pulled my car over. That was the last time I drove.”

Dr. Carrie Carter had spent years studying to become knowledgeable about medical conditions and nutritional supplements. But in the fall of 1999 she entered a new phase of education: the life of a person with a chronic illness. Diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease, a chronic, incurable inner ear disorder, life changed dramatically.

But as author of Thrive: A Woman’s Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle and Mom’s Health Matters (endorsed by MOPs), both released in 2003, God has redirected her life in a way she could not have imagined just five years ago. She brings us a unique perspective: That of a doctor who has listened to patients who looked fine but felt terrible. But also a doctor who feels poorly herself, but is told “Gosh, you look great! You must be doing so well!” [Note from editor: her newest book is A Woman's Guide to Good Health (2006)]

“There’s something in me,” shares Dr. Carter, “that rises up and wants to say, ‘but I’m still sick! I really am!’ I have a measure of health that varies in quantity and once I use it up, I’m done until it’s replenished—however long that takes. I want people to understand that and yet it shouldn’t matter what people think. . . But it does. It’s that in between place that is very weird.”

I sat down with Dr. Carter to discuss her journey of living with a chronic illness, her new books, her radio programs—and how God fits into it all. With great emotion she shared her story, in hopes that it will encourage you. Yes, even doctors get sick.

HK: What are the most difficult parts of your day?

CC: Fatigue and any visual movement, like walking down grocery store aisles, causes vertigo. Vertigo is different than being dizzy. It’s extreme and unpredictable, sometimes I have several episodes a day. The severe fatigue is hard to describe. If I ride on an airplane or go to an event, I have to pay for it for days. But I’d rather not be housebound. I’d rather live and have these experiences, and know that when I come home I’ll have to spend five days in bed. That’s the price, but it’s better to live and do as much as I can with my family whenever I can.

As a doctor, the fatigue was one of the things that surprised me the most; it’s one of those symptoms most people with any chronic illness experience. I also lose my memory. It’s extremely scary. I had cognitive testing and discovered that I was basically coming in under average in the ability to think and process memory—very scary! Thankfully, I got through the worst part and my memory has mostly returned, but it’s very hard for my family. One day I’m very bright and capable and the next day I’m telling my son, “that thing over there.” I can’t remember what a chair is called. It’s frustrating and very humbling.

HK: How do you see God using illness in your life?

CC: I learned the hard way that I’m not invincible. Last year I went to CBA [Christian Booksellers Association conference] and it worked out that I went alone and overscheduled myself, but in the moment I was doing well physically. I felt wonderful, the best I’d been in four years. I expected once I got home I’d be in bed a few days, but I was stuck in bed for six weeks. I canceled all kinds of things.

HK: Yes, It’s hard to know when God is giving you a gift and you want to enjoy it; you’re saying, “Thank you, Lord. You knew I needed this.” Then you get home and realize you took a little too much of the gift. It was a small gift and you took a larger portion.

CC: Exactly. I often think, “God, You’ve given me this wonderful opportunity [to write, practice medicine, etc.]. Now, what I am supposed to do with it?” But I’ve had the most amazing blessing to write two books that came out in 2003. They were literally a gift from God; groundwork I had laid years before coming to fruition.

I’ve stopped asking God “Why do I have this disease?” I’ve had five surgeries, all the medicines, alternative medicines and therapies, and they’ve only helped a little. I’ve stopped asking, “Why me?” but I still get really angry at God. I don’t understand. Those six weeks were very sobering, laying in bed, unable to even read or watch TV. I don’t understand why.

HK: Explain how, as a doctor with a chronic illness, you ended up writing a book on wellness.

CC: They were literally dropped into my lap. If I had written a book earlier I would have written it from the perspective of a healthy person, about what one should do to stay healthy, but it would have been much less valuable than Thrive! I know what you’re supposed to do to stay healthy, I did it. Now, I’ve lost my health, and I know how hard it is to be without, so I want to help you hold onto whatever health you have.

At first, I wanted to hide my illness [from the publishers]. I thought there is no way they’re going to want a sick doctor writing about wellness, but now I realize what a sense of humor God has. He picked a sick doctor. I hope the book encourages those who feel discouraged because they have a lack of health; because they deserve to feel better, no matter where they are in the illness spectrum—there are some things one can do to help oneself thrive. The first of which is to be grounded spiritually. If you aren’t, you’re sunk.

HK: What was your typical week like before illness?

CC: I worked as a pediatrician, three-quarter time in an office. I was on call a lot and a mother of an eight-year-old who I spent a couple of afternoons a week with. I was involved with a lot of activities; I danced for Christian Community Theater and even took private tap dance lessons. I spoke to parent groups, and spoke around the country on healthy lifestyle choices and nutritional supplements. I had a very busy, full life that came crashing to a halt. Everything hit a brick wall and it was all gone—everything but my family and my home.

HK: How did you respond?

CC: I was in denial for quite awhile. In medical school all I learned about the disease was in one paragraph in my textbook. I thought any day I would just snap out of it and go back to work. There was one moment that was very telling. About two weeks after I had become ill, I saw a specialist who diagnosed my illness; he gave me medicine and said, “Come back in six weeks.” I thought the medicine would start working immediately and that I’d be better and back to work within a few days. Two weeks later I wasn’t feeling any better and I began to panic. I called the doctor and he said, “I don’t think you heard me clearly. It’s at six weeks we may begin to see some improvement.” My heart just dropped to the floor. I couldn’t believe that this was my life now. And if you’d told me then, that four years later I’d never work another day as a pediatrician . . .well. . . It was quite a change. . .

HK: What are some of the major lessons you’ve learned through having an illness?

CC: First, that I needed to learn to be honest with God about my feelings—and they are not pretty. I know some people can honestly say, “I’m just trusting God and everything is going to be fine.” My feelings don’t fit that mold. They can be ugly—but I’ve discovered that God can handle it. . . And that He wants that intimacy with us. There were times I didn’t talk to God at all. I was so mad that He wasn’t answering my prayers to be healed because I knew He could do it and He could do it like that (snap).

I’ve also learned to celebrate the little miracles. I was able to get disability and social security without a whole lot of hassle. I have a wonderfully understanding family. God is providing even though He isn’t answering my prayers. Paul says, in Philippians 4:6 to bring everything —the good, the bad, and the ugly to God in prayer and petition.

Tell God the truth. I had to realistically come to terms with the fact that I may have this illness the rest of my life—and I don’t want that and I’m mad about it. But then Paul says, “with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” I’ve learned the thanksgiving part. It doesn’t make sense to be thankful when you’re mad—it just doesn’t! But when you do. . .it’s miraculous.

In order to survive, I have to choose to exercise thanksgiving. I consciously find something each day that I am thankful for Some days that is just, “Thank You for giving me an illness which I’m not dying of.” Sure, it’s taken away the life I had, but my son won’t face life without a mother. But I don’t think we should sugar-coat it and try to force ourselves to be positive all the time because that can keep one in denial.

HK: Tell me about the response you’ve had from others about your illness.

CC: A lot of people have a hard time accepting my illness. The Christian community expects me to be healed and they feel anguish that I’ve not been. A lot of times I feel I have to explain to them, “I’m really not doing anything wrong that’s preventing me from being healed!”

I’ve tried everything. About two years ago I had the surgery that would probably work and it didn’t; it took me a long time to recuperate too. I got low. So low that if I could have gotten to the bathroom and the big bottle of pills it would have been a tempting offer—but I made sure that couldn’t happen. But it was revealing—and God met me there. I felt Him tell me, within my heart, “Sometimes I answer your prayers for healing by teaching you how to live with what you’ve got.”

That was exactly what I needed to hear. I hope that’s not His final answer, but He has taught me how to live with what I’ve got. . . And a lot of people have a hard time hearing that. They say, “You just need to pray more; you just need to try this supplement; think more positive!” They mean so well, but it’s so exhausting. When I can barely have a conversation, and then I have to go beyond that and explain, “No, just because I’m not taking that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. . .”

At the beginning I had visits from my staff and partner. Nobody knew what to do to help. They feel powerless and it’s hard for them to know if they should call or not. The biggest thing that helped me was my office got a huge card and had the families of my patients sign it. I treasure it. Because when you’re so sick, and all your abilities are taken away, it’s nice to know someone still remembers what you could do and still values you.

People bringing meals was the most helpful thing. One family in my church has provided a meal every week for years. It’s impossible to express how much that’s meant to us. Most people fall by the wayside. I don’t blame them, people are busy, but it gets more isolating. I have months of feeling isolated, but I don’t feel well enough to invite someone over to do something. It can be tough.

HK: What keeps you encouraged during difficult times?

A lot of times it’s just making it through each day. I treasure notes and emails, especially when I hear how one of the books I’ve written touches someone. That’s an earthly thing, isn’t it? But it helps me to know that my existence here still matters.

I also just love doing radio interviews. God gave me back that part of my life that I loved so much in my medical career, a chance to talk heart to heart and help someone find a better state of health. God has provided so amazingly that I can sit here and encourage others in my pajamas with my little dog at my feet and my cup of tea.

My husband is truly the most amazing man in the world. In some ways my marriage is actually better since my illness—it’s grown. He’s accepted me so completely in this state; even when I look horrible, am too sick to wash my hair, he says, “you’re always attractive to me.” God has given him good blinders.

HK: If you could take out a headline in tomorrow’s front page of the paper, what would it be?

“God’s Grace Comes Through Again”

Visit Dr. Carter’s web site at www.carteronhealth.com.

Lisa Copen is the author of Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those With Chronic Illness Seek and Why and she is the founder of Rest Ministries, Inc. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis since 1993.