How Being “Tolerant” Can Ruin Your Health

Start Your New Year Right by Eliminating These Common Energy-Drainers

by Mary Yerkes

My desk is messy. My clothes don’t fit. The dog needs grooming. Life coaches agree that people zap their energy and increase their stress by putting up with a multitude of things that bug them, what life coaches call “tolerations.” And for the chronically ill, lingering stress can translate into increased pain. So, why not start your New Year right by identifying—and then eliminating—those things that deplete your energy and dampen your spirit.

Here are four common tolerations, along with practical suggestions for addressing them or eliminating them from your life:

Health Tolerations

If you live with chronic illness, you probably realize there are some things you just can’t control. But what about the things you can? Why add to your distress by eating too much junk food, not taking your prescribed medication, or failing to do your exercises, designed to increase your range of motion or reduce your pain?

Take a few minutes and write down your health goals. Just make sure they’re realistic. Don’t set a goal of jogging three miles a day when you struggle to walk to the curb each day to pick up the day’s mail. When making your list, make sure your goals are SMART: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. A goal of eating healthier this year is too vague, but eating five serving of vegetables a day is SMART.

Environmental Tolerations

It’s hard to keep on top of housework and home repairs when you’re in constant pain and struggling to make it on one income. But, let’s be honest. If you feel well enough to sit at your desk and work, couldn’t you take a few extra minutes to clear that pile of papers from your desk so you could actually see your computer screen?

But what about bigger projects around the house that you can’t do yourself?

If finances are tight and you can’t afford to hire someone to tackle larger projects, barter your services instead. For example, if you’re a graphic designer, offer to create a brochure for your neighbor’s new business in exchange for shoveling the snow off your walk.

You get the idea.

People Tolerations

Face it. Some people are just toxic. They consistently say hurtful things like, “But you look so good!” or “You really should try harder to get to church on Sunday.” They chide you for canceling at the last minute and raise their eyebrows when you serve a store bought cake for your child’s birthday party instead of making one yourself. If you’re chronically ill, limit your contact with people like this.

It’s a little more difficult if you’re dealing with toxic family members. To maintain your sanity and preserve your health, learn to maintain appropriate boundaries. To better understand how to set healthy boundaries, I recommend reading, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Spiritual Tolerations

Are there areas in your spiritual life you need to address? Do you struggle with unforgiveness or harbor resentment or bitterness toward your spouse or children for failing to understand your pain, help with the housework, or give you the emotional support you need?

Nothing will rob your joy or sap your strength more quickly than unforgiveness. Don’t tolerate sin in your life for one more day. God’s Word tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).” Help is just a prayer away.

The benefits you’ll gain from identifying and removing tolerations from your life are significant. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it will make.

So, start the New Year right by making room in your life for what matters most.

Life Coach Mary Yerkes specializes in helping the chronically ill live abundant lives in Christ. Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and ankylosing spondylitis in 1997, Mary understands the challenges of living with chronic pain and illness. Her greatest joy is seeing people set free to love and serve God with all their heart, mind, and soul. Mary is also an author, speaker, and contributor to popular Christian print and online magazines, including Focus on the Family, The Journal of Biblical Counseling, and On Mission Magazine. Visit www.newlifechristiancoaching.com and www.maryyerkes.com to learn more.

What Was Life Like in 1902?

We may not be all that happy with our current circumstances, but let’s take a look back at 1902.

• 90% of U.S. physicians had no college education; Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as substandard.
• 14% of the homes had a bathtub
• Average life expectancy was 47
• The five leading causes of death in the US were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

• Most women only washed their hair once a month—with borax or egg yolks
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
• Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• One in ten US adults couldn’t read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

The Christmas Shoes Video – Tear Jerker!

The Christmas Shoes – If you need a good cry? this is the video to watch. (Get a tissue!)

Get to Know Our Devotional Writers

If you don’t get our daily devotionals, you will want to go sign up because this is one of the foundations of our ministry, and thanks to Kay, our coordinator, we’ve had them for over ten years each day!

We’ve put together a web page of our devotional writers so you can get to know them better, contact them personally, or visit their web sites.

Thank you to all of our writers over the years! If you would like to be encouraged with these kinds of devotionals you may also be interested in our Mosaic
Moments book by Lisa Copen and ove 20 other devotional writers.

Special Scriptures for Volunteers

Special thanks to the many volunteers who keep Rest Ministries going each day.

“This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you.”
2 Corinthians 9:12-14

A Talk Over Tea w/ Lisa – Reflecting Back

Years ago, days before all our families were to arrive for Christmas, I stood in the kitchen and felt the floor squish. Within hours men started to arrive and traipse dirt into my home, the entire kitchen floor was ripped out, large holes were made in the drywall of three rooms, and Christmas decorations were torn down to bring in large fans that ran twenty-four hours a day.

My car had been in the shop for over seven weeks for a job that should have taken a few days. Tension was high in my home, but I had no choice but to pray the roof wouldn’t fall in too. At last, I got my car and two men put in a new hard-wood floor while I ran to get groceries. Relatives began to arrive from out of state —literally—within two hours of the floor being completed. It was. . .well, stressful!

But imagine with me for a moment how Mary, mother of Jesus must have felt. She discovers she is pregnant—with the child of God! (Talk about pressure!) But she grasps this and then, wouldn’t it figure, a decree to register comes out and the man she is pledged to is from Bethlehem. According to Arthur Blessitt, the Guinness Book of Record’s holder for ‘the world’s longest walk’, after Mary conceived she walked from Nazareth to south of Jerusalem to see her cousin Elizabeth, (130 miles one way), then back again.

And with Joseph she walked back south of Jerusalem to Bethlehem (another 130 miles). During all this walking travel of 390 miles Mary was with child! Some have argued that nowhere does it say she rode on a donkey.

She finally gets there and says, “Hey, uh, Joe, honey, it’s time.” So Joseph looks for a place for her to rest and finds all the inns are full. . “Oh, God, give me a break here! It’s your baby! Haven’t I been patient? This trip couldn’t have come at a worse time, but have I complained?”

Luke 2:7 says, “She wrapped [the baby] in cloths and placed him in a manger.” I’m sure she thought he was beautiful. From the very beginning God did things out of the ordinary, even if it resulted in a loss of comfort.

Two years ago I casually talked about the Lord to every workman that came through my door who expected to find a stressed out woman on the other side. This Christmas season, look for God’s best in the midst of all the stress.

This was reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine Nov/Dec. 2004, by Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries. She is hoping to be recovering from hand surgery as this posts (she is working on the web site before surgery).

Reflections on How People Respond to Visual “Pain” Experiences

It had been many weeks since I have been to church. My rheumatoid arthritis had been flaring for months now. I had been off of my main medication since August of 2008 due to infections and then pending surgery.

While my husband and son left on Sunday mornings I would attempt to log on to the church’s web site to watch the broadcast. Some days it worked. Some days it did not.

But a couple of weeks ago, after I had had joint replacement surgery on my left hand, my family decided to go on a Saturday night service when my body would be less sore. Any outing would be nice and I was eager to the back and receive some refreshment from the Lord.

We got there a few minutes early and I went into the bookstore and wandered around. I got a few odd looks from curious people who quickly turned away. I smiled back and people nervously may meet my gaze enough to be polite.

While my husband went to check my son into Sunday school, I sat down outside. About six men who were ushers all stood within a few feet with their microphones in their ears, laughing about doing push ups. They glanced over me a few times, obviously wondering if they should talk to me or not. I smiled, as if to invite conversation, but then they turned away back into their safe huddle.

Many people walked by and did not even look at me. I’m used to that as I am not some beauty, but still, some people have said my splint resembles something from Edward Scissorhands. A few people glanced over at the contraption on my hand but never smiled or looked up at my face.

My husband and I joined my mother in the church and sat down. During introductions after worship one woman in front of us leaned over and said something like “Boy, that looks like it hurts.” I smiled and said thanks and explained I had gotten new joints.

The speaker was Lieutenant General William Boykin (Exceptional! You can listen here.)

It was inspiring, and exciting to listen to. At the end of his message “Who Should I Send?” he had everyone close their eyes and people who wanted to accept Christ into their hearts were to raise their hand. We all said the prayer of acceptance of Jesus into our lives together.

As the service ended I grabbed my pillow that I had brought to rest my arm on and stood up. My husband was the first of us to leaves the pew and was nudged forward before I could get out of it myself. People streaming out of the church resembled a southern California freeway and I was protecting my hand too much to risk merging into the oncoming traffic.

I yelled to husband to go ahead and go get Josh because I couldn’t “get out.” I waited about 60 seconds to merge into the aisle. Guarding my arm, people still brushed by me. Finally I got into the aisle and had to holler back to my mom, “I will meet you outside” as I was pushed along.

All I wanted to do was glance at the book table to see the price of the book (Never Surrender) and then to get outside, but people wanted to get to the table ahead of me and also to the long line for the speaker to sign the book. There was confusion over two lines: one to buy the book, the other to get the book signed. So at times I just stopped and tried to wait for the flow of traffic to go by in the opposite direction so that I could get out of the auditorium.

But then people beside me and behind me impatiently said “I need to get by you…” At one time I said with irritation, “I am just trying to get out too and can’t seem to get through.”

At last I got outside. As the evening went on however, I reflected back on my experience. There is the human side of me that will admit to that the thought occurred to me if I was a conference with Joni Eareckon Tada’s ministry, Joni and Friends, I would be the speaker, and people would be lining up for me to sign their books, as in the past. But tonight, I was just an inconvenience, someone in the way, someone who would remind people that life was imperfect and they too are vulnerable.

I thought about the fact was that the church had just had an amazing speaker who just invited people to accept Jesus into their lives to help them through the valleys and challenges that we will face in this lifetime on earth.

What if I was not a believer and my family brought me to church hoping that I would accept Jesus into my heart during this recovery of a joint replacement?

What if I was just so encouraged by the speaker that I had actually raised my hand to become a Christian .. and then I was unable to even get out into the aisle?

As I got outside I ran into a couple of friends. One said I had good “color” (I told her it was the makeup.) Another who said something like “So it’s a lot better now, right?” (I didn’t say it but I thought “Uh, no. I have about five more months of therapy and weeks still in this splint.”)

I have always tried to follow my belief that people are always more important than programs when it comes to my ministry. Programs are necessary and needed, but people are always more valuable. When I mentioned my mixed emotions to a friend she emailed me back, “When I had MS problems a few summers ago I went to church in a wheelchair just so I could go. Not ONE of the pastors (and they all saw me there) came up to us. Most people circled around us like I had the plague. Our small group attendees were warm and that’s all. Boy do I know how it feels to be walking and feeling like protecting myself from being knocked over.”

I’m not looking for a pity party. I’m not even looking for people to run over and have a conversation about the weird contraption on my hand. For example, it was obvious the men who were ushers felt somewhat uncomfortable, not knowing if they should “intrude” and ask me what had happened to my hand, or if they should ignore it.

My degree is in sociology and so I can’t help but look at the different experiences I am having in a variety of environments. And it saddens me when strangers at the pharmacy or the grocery store show more compassion than anyone in my church body. We have become a society that is so afraid of appearing “nosey” that we don’t even walk up to a sister in Christ and say, “Goodness, that must hurt! How are you doing?”

And at the same time, I hear about many of your experiences too and find that when people believe they can offer a “cure” they are eager to get involved and share their thoughts about your physical condition. Maybe when our condition looks too complicated they shy away since they don’t feel they have answer?

What is my reason for sharing this? I asked myself that before writing it, as I don’t want to have it seem as though I am complaining, or looking for sympathy, or expect Christians to be perfect. To be honest, I don’t even know exactly what I want. I debated about shring this experience with you because I love my church and I know it was a small individualized experience.

I think my true reason is that God has given me the gift of being able to have a ministry like Rest Ministries and has placed me in the position of trying to be an advocate for people with chronic illness or invisible illness.

I want you to know that I don’t have all the answers, but I am experiencing new things each day, both challenges and blessings.

And when you walk into your church and no one will look you in the eye, or they appear to be disinterested — even when you are visibly struggling, I want you to know that is nothing personal. I am experiencing the same thing. And I am also asking myself the same questions as you, like, “What am I doing wrong?” Or “Why do people not seem to care?”

I love the scripture Psalm 138:8: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.”

We are in this together — both the journey of chronic illness that God has set us on, and also the steps towards gently educating our church leadership on the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanies the physical pain that many suffer from. But regardless of the weaknesses of man, God’s love will endure forever. We will never be abandoned.

Lisa Copen
Rest Ministries Director

The Irony of Illness and Influence on Policies

Laurie Edwards, author of Life Disrupted: Getting Real About Chronic Illness in Your Twenties and Thirties never fails to make me ponder with her thought-provoking blog posts. Below is a sampling of one you won’t want to miss.

…at times I am too busy being sick to contribute in any meaningful way to the conversation of the very health care reform that could define my patient experience.

Ironic? No, it’s inevitable. It’s life with chronic illness.

I get sucked into the Black Hole of silence even with a ton of local family and friend support, with an amazing husband, a relatively flexible career, a world-class hospital 10 minutes away, a healthy stubborn streak, and twenty-nine years of experience living with illness. Oh, and with very good health insurance.

Scary, when you consider the millions who cannot say the same.

Pondering a Helpful Heart

“While we may stand with meaning at the manger, many are moving by just looking at the lights. Are we willing to turn from our festivities and help someone out of the car? Are we willing to lend a hand of assistance and an invitation to open their hearts to Jesus as He says, ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone opens the door I will come in,’?”

—Florence Littauer, Blow Away the Black Clouds

Reflections From RM Founder While Recovering From 4 Joint Replacements

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging e-mails that I have received since my hand surgery on November 4, 2009. I had the 4 knuckles that connect my fingers to my hand replaced with silicone joint replacements, due to their disintegration from rheumatoid arthritis which I have lived with for 16 years.

This is my first joint replacement, and although I have taken the prescribed pain medication as necessary, and it has not been fun and games, thankfully the pain itself has not been unbearable. In the last two days, the pain has increased, but evidently this is a good thing since it means the tissues are connecting to the new joints and I am in phase 2 of the healing and recovery.

As with any health challenge like all of you, living with this splint that resembles what my son says is “C3PO from Star Wars,” is inconvenient and therapy takes up about 15 hours a week including , the drive which is 20 miles one-way. My mother is here to help and I cannot do without her, however, I know that it has not been easy on her to see me and pain. Not being able to type is driving me a bit nutty too.

It is also an interesting journey for me as I am trying to find time to work on my next book for Christian moms with illness. As an author, it is easy to write about how one should ask others for assistance and organize their family life so that is easy for someone else to step in and help you out –but on a practical level, it is a very difficult challenge, especially when people don’t show up or have to cancel at the last minute.

I am far from understanding parenthood with a chronic illness, but I that God will use the many experiences I’m having to make it a better and more realistic book.

And I have discovered that such an odd looking contraption on my hand catches many glimpses from people as I am out and about at a store, etc. It has been the source of many conversations where I have been able to pass along information about the ministry and my Christian faith to others who are struggling.

For example, yesterday my mom and went to a secondhand store ran to by a church. When I shared with the cashier who asked about my splint, she shared about her own family’s health struggles. I had a couple of copies of my books in the car and when I brought them in she said she recognized the name of the ministry and that she was also studying to be a Stephen minister.

Today I met a Christian mom who lives with Graves’ disease and who also has a teenage daughter with a chronic illness. In less than seven minutes we exchanged conversation about some of our deepest struggles and I gave her our web site and hope to hear from her soon.

Please continue to pray for Rest Ministries and that I will be able to represent the Lord and his glory.

There are moments that I think my brain is not working. For example, the other day at the parent/teacher meeting, I tried to tell a teacher Joshua was in karate and the character trait they were learning right now was “focus.” The definition of focus according to his karate instructors is “keeping your goals in sight.” But I accidentally told the teacher it meant “keeping your girls in sight.”

She looked at me and said “girls?” And I laughed and said “Mommy has had a little bit too much pain medication today.”

Our family continues to take one day at a time like many of you. My sister has been going through a very difficult time as well and although no family is perfect, I do know the blessing of having a family who turns toward each other during challenging times and I’m extremely grateful for this.

I updated most of the web site before my surgery so please continue to visit restministries.com for daily encouragement as well as our daily devotionals and our weekly issue of HopeNotes.

I am also excited to say that’s our newest issue of HopeKeepers magazine is now available via digital format. You can read 18 sample pages of HopeKeepers Magazine here (enlarge the box for access) or read the whole 64- inspiring pages for a $5 donation. And for all the chronically ill guys out there. . . you may be especially encouraged by the story  Casey Martin – golf pro – turned golf coach.

Thank you again for all of your loving support. And I couldn’t do without you!

Related articles

• Why I Rode Space Mountain and Celebrated Irresponsibility (invisibleillnessweek.com)

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