When It is Tempting to Quit We Need Jesus More Than Ever

I was using a saltshaker when I first noticed that the right side of my body was staging a mutiny. Inexplicably, my hand had forgotten how to move up and down. Other everyday activities became difficult. Brushing my teeth was a challenge. Playing piano was impossible and typing was clumsy. And then there were these weird, involuntary tremors on my right side. What was going on here?

After a batch of expensive tests, the doctors couldn’t — and still don’t — agree. While they are scratching their heads, the elders anointed me and prayed for my healing — twice — and I am trying everything in my power while the problem persists.

Like Paul, I have asked the Lord that this “thorn in my flesh” be taken from me. As He told Paul, He has answered me, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

Humph! Hardly the answer I want to hear!

Here is where the rubber meets the road for every leader and me:  Who is REALLY in control of my life, ministry, and gifts? And who is in charge of yours?

It is when we are are painfully and continually poked by thorns in the flesh that our determination to be obedient to God’s call is tested and displayed. When we have an uncooperative person on our ministry board tying every meeting into knots; when no one will watch the nursery; when we are criticized for bringing less-than-desirable people into the church; when our budget is stymied by the shortsighted; when we can’t get anything done because we’ve lost control, it is tempting — oh, so tempting! — to yank out the thorn and quit.

But if we are called to a task, we are called to it, regardless of who or what stands in the way — even if it is our own physical limitations.

“My grace is sufficient” — It’s a lovely piece of prose, but it’s meaning is so large that it is a slippery life preserver for the desperate.

However, here’s a handle I’ve found through my own storm:

A can-do attitude is a wonderful thing. But it also masks arrogance, especially when the battle we are fighting is a spiritual one and we are more proficient with our natural talents.

• Spiritual battles require much different weapons, leadership, attitudes, vision, talents, and gifts.
• Spiritual confrontation requires practice but you won’t get it if you are relying on your own natural talent.

When the Lord gives us as leaders a thorn in the flesh, He is reminding us that we are to develop spiritual weaponry skill by knowledge of and connection to Him. He’s made it a little easier for us to do this because we not only won’t rely on our unreliable selves, we no longer can.

In the midst of the hopeless, drowning feeling associated with loss, we have His promise: His grace — or Divine endorsement — will make up for our personal deficits.

And that’s a handle we can all hang on to no matter what our limitations may be.

Rebekah Montgomery, author/speaker/teacher, is a gifted, dynamic communicator. She is the author of more than five books and has penned 1,100 articles. She shares tough real-life topics and biblical application in a simple easy to grasp manner. To book Rebekah for your next event visit www.rebekahmontgomery.com. Rebekah is also the editor of Right to the Heart of Women and a publisher at Jubilant Press.© Rebekah Montgomery 2009.

Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

The pains of divorce and separation are real, but they don’t have to last. For many, making a New Year’s resolution to attend a DivorceCare group has been the key to healing. This is an article we are passing on.

WAKE FOREST, NC, Dec 2009/Christian Newswire/ — For people facing the pain of divorce or separation, the New Year is a good time to commit to the healing process. A marital breakup can be devastating for the individuals going through it, as it affects emotions, self-esteem, children, finances and daily energy levels. With so much personal upheaval, most people going through divorce are unsure of how to find complete healing from the hurt, and hope for the future.

Many experience a breakthrough in this process by attending a DivorceCare divorce recovery support group. More than 12,000 churches across the country and around the world are equipped to offer DivorceCare programs.

Steve Grissom, founder and president of DivorceCare, believes the start of a New Year is a great time to put a plan in place to find healing: “A key step in healing is anticipating a brighter future, instead of focusing on the hurts of the past. Joining a DivorceCare group is a proactive step in that direction.”

The groups are made up of people who understand the depth of emotions, the questions “Why?” and the desperation often faced by those in a divorce or separation. Because they have this understanding, they won’t judge the decisions, emotions or actions of those who come.

“I came into the program with fear of rejection and was welcomed with open arms,” said Heidi, a participant in Warren, MI. “People totally understood what I was going through.”

These biblically based support groups are designed to be led by trained, mature facilitators who’ve experienced divorce or separation. They can help answer questions posed by group participants and point people to practical and spiritual help to aid the healing process.

A typical group meeting begins with a magazine-style video seminar featuring insights from top experts on divorce and recovery subjects, and profiles of people who’ve experienced healing after a divorce or separation. Featured experts include H. Norman Wright, Dr. Jim Talley, Dr. Tony Evans and Dr. Linda Mintle. After viewing the video, DivorceCare group members participate in a moderated small group time to discuss concepts learned on the video and to share personal struggles and victories (although some people choose not to share). Each person then receives a workbook with a short, daily devotional study and journaling section for reflection during the week.

Through DivorceCare, participants will learn to:

· Identify and cope with tough emotions, such as anger, loneliness and depression

· Manage their new financial situation

· Make wise choices regarding their children (if applicable)

· Carefully manage new relationships

· Find out more about forgiveness and reconciliation

· Lean on God for acceptance, comfort and healing

“I came to the group broken, and left with a restored faith in God,” said Dawn, a DivorceCare participant from Tacoma, WA. “I felt as if I was no longer alone in what was one of the deepest and darkest times of my life.”

The thought of taking that first step into a DivorceCare group can seem scary, and people often come up with all kinds of excuses not to go in. But these groups are filled with people who’ve felt exactly the same, and who did take that first step. They will be there to make newcomers feel welcome and comfortable.

“The first night I came to a DivorceCare group, I didn’t know a single person there,” shared Mike, who attended a group in Raleigh, NC. “I wasn’t sure what to anticipate. We watched the videos, had a time of fellowship and had a discussion time. For people hesitating to attend a group, I would encourage them to relate it to getting up to go to work–some days you don’t feel like it, but you know what’s best for you.”

To find a DivorceCare divorce recovery support group, visit www.divorcecare.org/findagroup and enter a zip code, city/state or country for a list of groups near you. Or call 800-489-7778 for assistance in locating a group.

The Grinch & 2 Spa Prizes Next Week

It’s that time of the year again when we share our annual Grinch story! Only this year we want to hear a few sentences from you too!

Just post a couple Seuss-style sentences below in the common section that have anything to do with the holidays, illness, etc. and we will take pick our two favorites next week and send you a little spa just as our treat!

Feeling Grinchy?

Every person around
The country it seemed
Liked Christmas a lot…
All was joy, red and green.
But the Grinch,
Who lived with illness,
And had a heart of the blues,
Did not like Christmas!
The Grinch dreaded Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
So much to do, so little energy,
there were all kinds of reasons.

It could be said that the medicines
were making her mind feel like putty,
She went shopping at last,
and forgot why she had gone—how nutty.
But we think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that her heart was hurting,
trying to find her place in it all.

But, whatever the reason,
Her heart or her head,
She laid there on Christmas morning,
with a feeling of dread.
Staring up at the ceiling from the bed, feeling very down,
She wondered how to make it through this day,
without even the hint of a frown.
For she knew every friend and family member around,
Would be arriving soon,
ready to open the gifts and paint the town.
“I just want to feel decent!” she snarled with a sneer.
“Today is Christmas! It’s actually here!”
Then she growled, with her Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find a way to keep the pain from coming!”

For, later she knew…
…All the relatives would arrive
They would bring with them her nieces and nephews who would make a
mess
and tons of noise.
They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing she hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the family, young and old,
would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on pudding, and rare roast beef,
With her irritable bowel,
the Grinch couldn’t eat these in the least!

And then they’d do something she liked least of all!
Every family member, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, and say, “You look so great!”
They’d all tell her she needed to get back to work,
Stop lazing around in her pajamas so late!
They’d talk! And they’d advise.
And they’d think they were so wise.
And the more the Grinch thought of the Christmas-Nice
The more the Grinch thought,
“I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for over five years I’ve put up with it now!
I must either deal with it or convince them somehow!”
…But HOW?”
Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea!

“I know just what to do!”
The Grinch laughed in her throat.
And she made a quick run to the closet
for her lounging coat.
And she chuckled, and clucked,
“What a great Grinchy trick!
“With this robe and my slippers,
I’ll look just like I’m sick!”
“All I need is a sniffle, a cough, maybe a cane…”
The Grinch looked around.
But since canes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find a cane, I’ll just look sick instead!”
So she got out her pale makeup
and tried not to use anything pink,
She made sure the circles under her eyes,
were not covered up, but seen.

Then she threw on some sweats
And put her hair up in a twist
It didn’t look fancy,
It looked like you do when you’re sick.
Then the Grinch said, “I’m ready”
They can start to arrive,
I’ll be nice to everyone,
But I’m not going to lie.”
The family members arrived
and saw the Grinch arrive at the door.
“What’s happened to her?” They whispered and more.
The Grinch said, “Hello, come in, how are you?”
And when they asked her she just said, “Today’s not a good day.
It may be Christmas but I still feel a droop.”

Then little Cindy-Lou arrived
dragging her noisy toy behind her.
This was more than the Grinch could take!
She couldn’t allow that noise to batter.
The Grinch reached out and took the toy,
“let me have that, hon..”
She stared up at the Grinch as asked,
“Auntie, why are you taking away my toy? Why?”

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the Grinch lied,
“There’s a better one under the tree,
we have even more to surprise!
“So I’m taking this one away for now, my dear.
“I’ll put it away for now, and later, bring it back here.”
And her fib fooled the child. Then she patted her head
And sent her to the tree to open up a quiet puzzle instead.

The Grinch thought she had it all figured out,
At least people understood. There was no more doubt.
She expected to hear people talking about her,
In the kitchen they surely must all be worrying about.
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch,
“That I simply must hear!”
So she paused. And the Grinch put a hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising through the wall,
It was joy and fun, at first it wasn’t concern at all!
The sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

She stared into the kitchen,
The Grinch popped her eyes!
Then she shook!
What she saw was a shocking surprise!
Cindy Lou sat in her mom’s lap and said,
“What’s wrong with Auntie?”
Her mom told her quietly, “She’s a very special lady.
When we visit her, she often tries to look nice,
But she still hurts inside,
She just acts like she’s fine.”
“I love Auntie, I don’t want her to hurt,” said Cindy Lou.
“I know,” said her mom, “We love her too.”

Family members were still having a great time,
They weren’t worried about her,
or even of her appearance surprised.
She hadn’t made them concerned,
because they already were,
She just didn’t know
that they didn’t know what to say to her.
And the Grinch, with her Grinch-feet ice-cold on the floor,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could I be adored?
I look so awful, I’m in such a bad mood.
I’ve been such a fake hostess, I even took away a gift from sweet
Cindy Lou!”

“I thought no one understood,
but I never thought to ask.
I listened to what they said,
and didn’t try to explain.
I assumed they should just know how I felt
I let them pull my chain.”
And she puzzled three hours,
`till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something
she hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” she thought,
“doesn’t come from feeling great.
Maybe Christmas…perhaps….
“comes from communicating straight!
Maybe Christmas comes from accepting the love
Of those all around us, friends, and God from above.”

And what happened then…?
Well…in some parts they say
That the Grinch’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her heart didn’t feel quite so slow,
She whizzed through the house, with a spirit that was no longer low.
The body still had aches, the pain didn’t go away.
But the rest of the afternoon, her spirit felt at play.

Lisa Copen lives with rheumatoid arthritis is the founder of Rest Ministries, a Christian organization that serves the chronically ill. She had a little help from Dr. Seuss on this! Visit her web site at www.restministries.org and sign up for web site updates!

Reflections on How People Respond to Visual “Pain” Experiences

It had been many weeks since I have been to church. My rheumatoid arthritis had been flaring for months now. I had been off of my main medication since August of 2008 due to infections and then pending surgery.

While my husband and son left on Sunday mornings I would attempt to log on to the church’s web site to watch the broadcast. Some days it worked. Some days it did not.

But a couple of weeks ago, after I had had joint replacement surgery on my left hand, my family decided to go on a Saturday night service when my body would be less sore. Any outing would be nice and I was eager to the back and receive some refreshment from the Lord.

We got there a few minutes early and I went into the bookstore and wandered around. I got a few odd looks from curious people who quickly turned away. I smiled back and people nervously may meet my gaze enough to be polite.

While my husband went to check my son into Sunday school, I sat down outside. About six men who were ushers all stood within a few feet with their microphones in their ears, laughing about doing push ups. They glanced over me a few times, obviously wondering if they should talk to me or not. I smiled, as if to invite conversation, but then they turned away back into their safe huddle.

Many people walked by and did not even look at me. I’m used to that as I am not some beauty, but still, some people have said my splint resembles something from Edward Scissorhands. A few people glanced over at the contraption on my hand but never smiled or looked up at my face.

My husband and I joined my mother in the church and sat down. During introductions after worship one woman in front of us leaned over and said something like “Boy, that looks like it hurts.” I smiled and said thanks and explained I had gotten new joints.

The speaker was Lieutenant General William Boykin (Exceptional! You can listen here.)

It was inspiring, and exciting to listen to. At the end of his message “Who Should I Send?” he had everyone close their eyes and people who wanted to accept Christ into their hearts were to raise their hand. We all said the prayer of acceptance of Jesus into our lives together.

As the service ended I grabbed my pillow that I had brought to rest my arm on and stood up. My husband was the first of us to leaves the pew and was nudged forward before I could get out of it myself. People streaming out of the church resembled a southern California freeway and I was protecting my hand too much to risk merging into the oncoming traffic.

I yelled to husband to go ahead and go get Josh because I couldn’t “get out.” I waited about 60 seconds to merge into the aisle. Guarding my arm, people still brushed by me. Finally I got into the aisle and had to holler back to my mom, “I will meet you outside” as I was pushed along.

All I wanted to do was glance at the book table to see the price of the book (Never Surrender) and then to get outside, but people wanted to get to the table ahead of me and also to the long line for the speaker to sign the book. There was confusion over two lines: one to buy the book, the other to get the book signed. So at times I just stopped and tried to wait for the flow of traffic to go by in the opposite direction so that I could get out of the auditorium.

But then people beside me and behind me impatiently said “I need to get by you…” At one time I said with irritation, “I am just trying to get out too and can’t seem to get through.”

At last I got outside. As the evening went on however, I reflected back on my experience. There is the human side of me that will admit to that the thought occurred to me if I was a conference with Joni Eareckon Tada’s ministry, Joni and Friends, I would be the speaker, and people would be lining up for me to sign their books, as in the past. But tonight, I was just an inconvenience, someone in the way, someone who would remind people that life was imperfect and they too are vulnerable.

I thought about the fact was that the church had just had an amazing speaker who just invited people to accept Jesus into their lives to help them through the valleys and challenges that we will face in this lifetime on earth.

What if I was not a believer and my family brought me to church hoping that I would accept Jesus into my heart during this recovery of a joint replacement?

What if I was just so encouraged by the speaker that I had actually raised my hand to become a Christian .. and then I was unable to even get out into the aisle?

As I got outside I ran into a couple of friends. One said I had good “color” (I told her it was the makeup.) Another who said something like “So it’s a lot better now, right?” (I didn’t say it but I thought “Uh, no. I have about five more months of therapy and weeks still in this splint.”)

I have always tried to follow my belief that people are always more important than programs when it comes to my ministry. Programs are necessary and needed, but people are always more valuable. When I mentioned my mixed emotions to a friend she emailed me back, “When I had MS problems a few summers ago I went to church in a wheelchair just so I could go. Not ONE of the pastors (and they all saw me there) came up to us. Most people circled around us like I had the plague. Our small group attendees were warm and that’s all. Boy do I know how it feels to be walking and feeling like protecting myself from being knocked over.”

I’m not looking for a pity party. I’m not even looking for people to run over and have a conversation about the weird contraption on my hand. For example, it was obvious the men who were ushers felt somewhat uncomfortable, not knowing if they should “intrude” and ask me what had happened to my hand, or if they should ignore it.

My degree is in sociology and so I can’t help but look at the different experiences I am having in a variety of environments. And it saddens me when strangers at the pharmacy or the grocery store show more compassion than anyone in my church body. We have become a society that is so afraid of appearing “nosey” that we don’t even walk up to a sister in Christ and say, “Goodness, that must hurt! How are you doing?”

And at the same time, I hear about many of your experiences too and find that when people believe they can offer a “cure” they are eager to get involved and share their thoughts about your physical condition. Maybe when our condition looks too complicated they shy away since they don’t feel they have answer?

What is my reason for sharing this? I asked myself that before writing it, as I don’t want to have it seem as though I am complaining, or looking for sympathy, or expect Christians to be perfect. To be honest, I don’t even know exactly what I want. I debated about shring this experience with you because I love my church and I know it was a small individualized experience.

I think my true reason is that God has given me the gift of being able to have a ministry like Rest Ministries and has placed me in the position of trying to be an advocate for people with chronic illness or invisible illness.

I want you to know that I don’t have all the answers, but I am experiencing new things each day, both challenges and blessings.

And when you walk into your church and no one will look you in the eye, or they appear to be disinterested — even when you are visibly struggling, I want you to know that is nothing personal. I am experiencing the same thing. And I am also asking myself the same questions as you, like, “What am I doing wrong?” Or “Why do people not seem to care?”

I love the scripture Psalm 138:8: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.”

We are in this together — both the journey of chronic illness that God has set us on, and also the steps towards gently educating our church leadership on the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanies the physical pain that many suffer from. But regardless of the weaknesses of man, God’s love will endure forever. We will never be abandoned.

Lisa Copen
Rest Ministries Director

Avoiding Holiday Feuds When You Are Ill

As the holidays approach our expectations rise, hoping that this will be the year that we remember everything as perfect. But when you live with a chronic condition it can feel like the odds are even less in your favor.

“The hardest part of the holidays is the unrealistic expectations my extended family has of us,” shares Liz C. “They truly do not get that I have long-term health problems. The best I can do is pray that God will give them a big dose of understanding each year.”

What most of us have come to realize over time is that the term dysfunctional describes nearly all families on some level. None of us function effectively, one hundred percent of the time. But that doesn’t mean we love our family any less. In a poll taken two years after the 9/11 tragedy, 78% of the respondents said their family was more of a priority than before 9/11—an increase compared with the 69% who’d said the same thing right after the attack.

Here are some ways to keep your holiday family gatherings going smoothly:

Have Reasonable Expectations

Lisa Lorden, former editor of Fibromyalgia Online writes, “[Illness] oftentimes makes [our loved ones] feel helpless and uncomfortable, and they may behave in awkward ways or simply feel the need to create distance. Their emotions of fear, disappointment and loss are often complicated by feelings of guilt for being healthy. . .”

Assume that your family loves you and that their lack of understanding or insensitive comments about your illness or limitations, come from their own awkwardness. Seeing your battle with illness worries and saddens them.

When I’ve had a bad flare during the holidays I’ve had some family members hardly mention it. I’ve also had them act remote and distant when I used a wheelchair at an amusement park for a holiday outing. Their anger and frustrations were at the illness itself, and not at me, but sometimes it felt like no one even noticed I was in pain.

Remind yourself that they do care, but they may not always show it in the ways you would prefer. Leona S. shares, “My family seems to think that they have to fix me versus just visit with me.” Although this can be frustrating, recognize their heart and just try to get through the day. They are grieving your illness too.

Let Go of the Guilt

When we live with illness we feel like the more we try to meet other people’s expectations the more we fail. “My family does Christmas like Martha Stewart,” shares Karey. “They always have large gatherings full of wonderful desserts and lots of presents with the fancy wrappings. When I show up with a few presents in gift bags, I feel like I’m not keeping up.” Judy says, “My family expects me to do most of the work [preparing for the holidays] because I don’t work.”

In Where is God?, Sherri Connell writes, “There can be a be a lot of resentment towards people with debilitating illness because they are not able to help out as much as they would like or even at all. It is very difficult for us to understand how they can say they are unable to lend a hand when they look perfectly capable.”

If you need to go take a nap, just do it! Your first priority is to take care of yourself so you can enjoy their company as much as possible. Just tell people you needed some extra “beauty sleep” and laugh it off. Or casually explain to them that you aren’t deserting them, but just taking some time out to take care of yourself.

Refuse to Bicker

Flanary Gareth, pastor of Glen Rock Church of Christ in PA says, “Refuse to argue. There are certain people who love to draw you into arguments because this is the way they get attention. When they draw you into an argument they feel like they are controlling you.”

If an argument begins to occur, just calmly walk away. Arguments will just drain your energies and your spirit, and in the end nobody’s opinion will have changed. Proverbs 12:16 says, “When a fool is annoyed, he quickly lets it be known. Smart people will ignore an insult.” Control how you respond. It’s tough, but worth it!

Express Affection

Researchers have found that just one extra 20-second hug—or 10 minute of hand-holding—can make you feel more happy and relaxed. Dr. Joyce Brothers wrote an article for Parade Magazine on families (March 7, 2004). “Take the first step. Don’t stint on hugs and compliments—and don’t forget smiles. When apart, write notes or send e-mails or videotapes of events.

Make yourself available to help out when needed. Or simply help without being asked.” If people have been out of touch with you and have briefly heard third-hand about the difficulties of your illness, they may not even realize that there are things that you are unable to do. Recognize this.

On the other hand, we can get so caught up in our own lives and the challenges of living with illness that we don’t take time to ask our relatives about their families. In the book, Young People and Chronic Illness: True Stories, Help, and Hope author Kelly Huegel explains to children how to address their siblings. We could all apply these simple lessons to our own lives:

Consider their feelings. When you let your sisters and brothers know that you are trying to see their side of things, they will be more accepting of how your condition affects them all.

How not to address a problem: “You know, I’m really sick of your pouting. You’re so selfish! My doctor appointments are more important than some stupid dance recital.”

Try this instead: “I understand that you’re upset that Mom and Dad couldn’t go to your recital. You must have been really disappointed. I know they would have gone if they could. We all would have. Unfortunately, this was the only time I could get in to see the doctor. I hope we’ll be able to plan things a little better in the future so this won’t happen again.”

Don’t let self-absorption or envy prevent you from reaching out to others and participating.

Don’t Discuss Your Illness

Despite how much you want everyone to understand, don’t use the holiday to educate them. No matter how much they love you they don’t want to hear about your colonoscopy during dinner. After going into details about your spinal tap and bed-rest you’ll probably feel disappointed and frustrated by their response: Kids will interrupt, cooking timers will go off, new relatives will arrive and spouses will uncomfortably leave the room.

You’ll allow yourself to be vulnerable to hearing their health advice, theories, and stories about friends of a friend who had the same illness. You’ll get looks of pity and awkwardness. Protect yourself from this, because it’s doubtful you have anything to gain. You won’t receive the validation you seek. It’s okay to share about your difficulties or mixed emotions, but do this with a trusted loved one, one-on-one at a different time.

Participate!

Rather than saying, “I can’t,” or “I shouldn’t,” all day, be responsible for offering options that you can do. Bring a sugar-free dessert that you can eat and share with others. Bring a game that you enjoy playing. Bring your video camera and have people share their favorite holiday memory with you. Prepare in advance how you can participate. If working in the kitchen drains you, bring a craft project that the kids can do and you can oversee.

Take photos of the cousins to send to their parents after the holidays with a brief note. If you tire out easily, be creative about your contribution. For example, work on a family Christmas album after the holidays that is displayed each year. “We send a round-robin note by snail mail to invite and everyone,” shares Jewel Gieseke, who lives with diabetes and osteo-arthritis. “We all fill in what we are bringing for food and games and this seems to help a lot!”

Set Boundaries

Leona S. says, “Too much noise or too many people around me at once is bothersome now with this illness.” Know your boundaries and even explain them to the hostess in advance so your actions aren’t misinterpreted and feelings aren’t hurt. “We take two vehicles,” says Jewel Gieseke. “That way my husband can stay and I can leave peaceably. He usually stays seven hours; I can only handle three at the most. It prevents any arguments between the two of us about when we are leaving.”

Have a Sense of Humor

Humor can go a long way when it comes to families. None of us are perfect! Just watch any of the Chevy Chase, National Lampoon movies to get you in the spirit. According to the American Cancer Society, many studies have shown that a sense of humor literally reduces the stress and physical pain we feel, as well as increases our quality of life. And people who laugh regularly report feeling less anxious.

Most Importantly—Pray!

“My husband is from a family of six sisters and four brothers and they all have at least three children,” says Gieseke. “Needless to say we have had feuds in this family. I have found it a must to pray before we go. If they are not talking to us right away and looking cranky and I pray, ‘Lord, help us to get along with each other,’—they all of a sudden start talking back with us!”

Remember, Life is Short

Lastly, do your best to live Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you; live at peace with everyone.” We aren’t able to change other people, but we can do our best to give our best: an attitude of gratitude, an ability to show affection, the wisdom to know when to walk away and grace and prayer. Simple steps can assure that this is a season of family peace and not a season where a family is left in pieces.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since 1993. Reprinted from HopeKeepers Magazine.

What I’d Like to Tell My Pastor About Living with Illness

Living with chronic illness is lonely. Everyone around us seems to be enjoying health, happiness and the ability to pursue their dreams. But we are lonely, scared, and disappointed. We are living with an illness that we have not been able to pray away, cry away, or confess away and so we turn to our church for guidance and acceptance. But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body? Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

(Please add your comments below to add your own 2-cents about what you’d like your pastor to know.)

I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee

It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris

Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed… You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty

Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron

There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget

Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay

Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”

Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.

I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.

Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
—Marguerite

Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.

My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!

Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda

Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv

My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy

My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.

I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.

My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean

As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.

As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress.It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.

It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

-ljc

Related Articles

• Wesley United Methodist Church in Morgantown, WV Offers TONS of Activites and Hope! (invisibleillnessweek.com)
• What is an Invisible Illness? (invisibleillnessweek.com)

YOU Hurt My Feelings!

Have you felt a great divide in a relationship that could compare with the parting of the Red Sea? In the midst of trying to redefine who we are with chronic illness, we often encounter a torrent of remarks that are hurtful.

Sometimes, the “wounds from a friend can be trusted,” (Proverbs 27:6), because the remarks are made out of ignorance: “If you just prayed about it more, God would heal you.” It hurts, but we know they aren’t purposely trying to hurt us. You may even feel abandoned as friends and companions avoid you because of your wounds (Psalm 38:11).

Or perhaps you’ve felt that the comments from friends or family are outright abusive, and you leave with tears flowing down your cheeks, wondering what went wrong and how you can be so misunderstood.

Recently experiencing conversation that left me feeling deeply hurt, I delved into the Scriptures to discover how I could resolve it─ preferably the relationship, but at least peace in Christ and forgiveness. Even when the circumstances feel unfair to us, we must be willing to open up our heart to learning how to grow in Christ through it.

These are the steps I’ve worked through to gain peace and understanding in challenging relationships.

[1] Acknowledge that God is allowing this circumstance to occur in your life.

Pray that He will reveal His purpose through this situation. Stop dwelling on the one you feel has wronged you. Yes, your feelings were hurt, but don’t dwell on them, repeating the conversation over and over in your head. This is not about you!

Romans 8:6 says, “Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life” (The Message). Read God’s Word, pray for discernment and wisdom in interpreting what you read, and ask God to be your strength. God is enough. You don’t need the other person to apologize in order to find peace, nor do you have to “get even” in order to have resolution. This is between the Lord and you.

As Renee Bondi mentioned in an article in HopeKeepers Magazine, think about such things: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy,” (Philippians 4:8) Make lists! You’ll begin to feel better.

[2] Take a close look at your own actions, without comparing, “I wasn’t nearly as mean as my friend was!”

• Honestly ask yourself, “How could I have made the situation worse?
• How could my actions have been misinterpreted?
• What would I do differently if I could do it again?”

Galatians 6:4 says, “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else. . .”

Ever lay awake at night going over the conversation? God understands and says, “When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent,” (Psalm 4:4). Ask God for forgiveness. Ask Him to convict you of your wrongdoings so you can ask for forgiveness of the individuals and of the Lord.

[3] Do not seek revenge or act cruel to the person, despite how they may have hurt you.

It’s not in your hands, but in the Lord’s. The Bible tells us, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:  ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good,” (Romans 12:17, 19-21).

[4] Respond to the one who has hurt you with a peaceful, calm heart.

You will represent a God who gives mercy. Ironically, God doesn’t just let one off the hook; He creates a turmoil of emotions within the other person. When someone feels angry and guilty and you respond with kindness, it can feel like burning coals on their head, because they are dealing with shame over their own actions. Not fun!

[5] Acknowledge that you only have so much control over the situation and do your best to resolve it, responding with grace.

Those around us watch us to see how we—as believers─will respond to an unjustified attack. If we respond no differently than non-believers, how have we represented God?

Romans 12:18 says, “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” By choosing to do your best, as far as it depends on you, you are refusing to play the victim role, but rather taking initiative in using this as a growth opportunity.

When we choose the victim role of “Why are you doing this to me?” our spiritual growth becomes stagnant. Remember, “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” (Psalm 34:18). Don’t miss out on an unexpected blessing by turning away from God or seeking revenge because of your pain.

[6] Anger is a natural emotion, but do not sin in the heat of the moment.

Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs,” (Corinthians 13:4, 5).

A high standard to live up to but God tells us, “If you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it,” (Genesis 4:7). Only with God’s help we can master our natural sinful nature and show love. It’s not easy but, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything,” (James 1:4).

[7] Be accountable to someone who can be objective and offer encouragement and advice.

“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). A friend or mentor can keep you accountable to seeking God’s will and praying for resolution. “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness,” (Hebrews 3:12,13).

[8] Pray to forgive the one that hurt you.

Even if the one who has hurt you has moved on, passed away, or desires no relationship with you, ask for God to provide forgiveness in your own heart so you can let it go and have more intimacy with the Lord. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins,” (Matthew 6:14, 15).

Kind of blunt, isn’t it? God knows we need to forgive in order to be fully His. You can read more about why forgiveness is good for both your soul and your body.

[9] Pray for the one that hurt you—with compassion.

It may take time to get to this point, but “Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress,” (1 Timothy 4:15). Ask the Lord to work in your friend’s life and to soften your heart towards him. Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

[10] Learn how to set healthy boundaries.

Proverbs 12:26 tells us that “a righteous man is cautious in friendship.” If you’ve been deeply hurt by someone, it may be time to set new boundaries, and these will likely be resented so be careful that when you do set boundaries: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” (Ephesians 4:29).

Use “I” language, “I will be able to come for one hour, but then I will have to leave,” “I love you but I won’t discuss the topic of ___ with you. Is there something else we can talk about?” “I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me, but I won’t be able to accommodate your requests.”

Regardless of the response you receive, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you,” (Ephesians 4:31, 32). As Robert Schuller says, “There are vast untapped resources of faith that can be discovered only in adversity.”

Lisa Copen is the author of Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those With Chronic Illness Seek and Why and she is the founder of Rest Ministries, Inc. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis since 1993.

Related

Hurt Feelings Really Do Cause Physical Pain

Does your illness flare when you get your feelings hurt or feel left out?

One study has proven that hurt feelings aren’t all in your head! Researchers in California found a physiological basis for social pain through a study which monitored the brains of people who thought they had been “cut out” of a computer game by other players.

The shock and distress of this rejection registered in the anterior cingulate cortexthe same part that also responds to physical pain. (Science, Oct. 2003)

So when people say something that can really “get to you…” try to let it go and pray about how to best respond. It’s not just your emotional state that can be impacted, but your physical state and pain levels too.

Related articles

• Gene Linked with Physical Pain Sensitivity Associated with Social Rejection Sensitivity (barbarany_9.blogspot.com)

My Parents Don’t Believe I am Really Ill

I am 36 and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year, but I’ve had the severe symptoms for about 3 years. My husband has been supportive, but my parents don’t believe I really have this illness and if I do I should just take the medicine they see on the commercials and get on with life.

I love them and want to still have some kind of relationship with them, but it is causing stress on my marriage too, because my husband can’t bear to see me hurt by them any more. -Sherry

Dear Sherry,

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Sometimes it can be very difficult for others to understand or to accept the reality of a chronic illness. Often times, they don’t realize that the debilitating affects of an illness like Fibromyalgia vary from patient to patient and that, for many, it just isn‘t as easy as “pushing ourselves“ or “taking a pill” in order to maintain the life we once led. And, unfortunately, ads from pharmaceutical companies are aimed at selling a product and don’t adequately present the varied symptoms of such a complex disorder.

I recommend a couple of resources that may help your parents gain a better understanding of how your illness affects you. One is a Fact Sheet from the National Fibromyalgia Association. And the other is an article titled, “What’s Going On? A Simple Explanation of Fibromyalgia- Making Sense of a Complex Disorder, For Those Who Don’t Have It”. The second is one of the best I’ve found and really describes how FM affects the body in simple, easy to understand terms. I hope it helps. J

Beyond that, it is important for you to do whatever is needed to reduce the stress your relationship with your parents is placing on both yourself and your marriage. I know it’s heart-breaking to consider limiting the amount of contact between you. And I, myself, understand how painful it can be not to have the support of those dearest to you, especially when facing an illness. It can feel like a dagger through the heart sometimes. But, in order to improve and maintain your health as much as possible, it is crucial to address both your physical and emotional needs. Since we know that stress exacerbates the symptoms of FM, it’s important to limit stressful situations as much as possible and to maintain positive, supportive relationships in your life.

I’m so happy to hear that your husband is understanding and supportive! That is truly a blessing! And it may be that, one day, your parents will come to be supportive, as well. I would encourage you to share these articles with them. If you haven’t already done so, you might also try writing them a letter, expressing your feelings. Explain to them what a typical day, living with your symptoms, is like for you. If you have done all you can do to try to help them understand, and they still fail to be supportive, then it may be necessary to distance yourself from them for a time. Focus on doing all you can to have a positive emotional outlook and this will help you immensely, both in managing your FM and in dealing with your parents.

Sherry, I encourage you to continue to pray for your parents’ understanding. And, at the same time, ask God to give you strength to change the things you can and peace to accept the things you can not. He can ease your hurt and help you learn to, once again, lead a joyful, productive life, even while managing the effects of your illness!

In Christian Love & Service,

Angela Dobbins, Founder
True Life Family Ministries
True Life Strategies – life coaching with hope & heart

Angela Dobbins is a Christian life coach in McKinney, TX. She lives daily with the effects of Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain Complex, and various sensitivities. Angela’s passion is to share God’s love with others and to assist them toward becoming all He created them to be, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

Talking to Our Spouse About Our Illness: How Much is Too Much?

It feels like I’m laying on thumb tacks,” I tell my husband as he crawls into bed beside me. “But there is nothing there! I feel so bruised.”

“I’m sorry,” he offers with a sympathetic voice, but there is little else he can do.

“I feel kind of nauseous too,” I say. “I wonder if I should get something to eat. . . But then that might upset my stomach. It’s must be the drugs. I’m sure it will pass.” As I finish my sentence he’s snoring away.

For many of us, our spouse is our best friend. If our relationship is good, we want to share our feelings with them. Even if our relationship is hurting, we feel that by explaining our pain, they may sympathize and be more loving towards us. Although we don’t want to burden them by constantly sharing about our aches and pains, when we are hurting there is a desire to be heard and have our feelings validated. By talking out loud about what we are feeling, it somehow makes the pain real— it’s no longer “all in our head.”

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” says Galatians 6:2. But at some point we need to carry these burdens to the Lord, and even a close friend, rather than just our spouse.

Despite our spouse’s lack of physical pain, he or she is grieving many losses too: the loss of watching us lose our abilities, the loss of all of the “couple outings without limits” we were to share over the years, and even the loss of being able to make it all better with a hug. Counselors agree that the top three marriage problems are money, time and physical intimacy.

Chronic illness adds a weighty burden to each of these. How can we learn how to “share our burdens” within our marriage, yet also know when to not dish out our burdens one after the other onto our spouse?

Be a team with your spouse

It’s you and your spouse “up against” the illness. You may feel like your spouse is merely a spectator, but make him or her a part of your team fighting the battle of pain. Gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow his or her presence at doctor’s visits and provide answers to his or her questions about your illness. Acknowledge that your roles may be changing.

Connie Kennemer who lives with multiple sclerosis shares, “I am not as mobile as I used to be and often ask more of my husband. ‘Can you work at home this afternoon? Why do you have to go to another meeting?’ etc. How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn’t always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge.”

Have reasonable expectations

We often marry someone who has our opposite personality style. If you need to read every article about your illness, but your spouse doesn’t, it may simply be because your spouse has a more laissez faire attitude, not because he doesn’t care.

Or perhaps you take things as they come and put off digging up information. Your spouse may accuse you of being in denial and not caring about your health because you don’t research the illness with the same passion he does. An excellent book to smooth out your communication is Personality Plus for Couples: Understanding Yourself and the One You Love by Florence Littauer.

Have information available

If your spouse is a book-worm he may want to read books on your condition; perhaps the most effective way to share something is to place sticky notes on pages of a book you’d like him to review with comments about topics you’d like to discuss. Shares Connie, “After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whiney stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that’s when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings.”

Find ways to share about embarrassing parts of the illness, but try to keep a bit of romance alive

If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom during eighty percent of the functions you attend together, you need to let your spouse know that this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms; you can say, “I’m dealing with some personal matters of this illness right now; I don’t really want to talk about them yet, but they’re in this brochure if you’re wondering.” Avoid sharing every details if you can.

Find other effective outlets for when you need to vent

“I realized that I banked my frustrations of pain throughout the day and then ‘threw’ them at my husband when he walked through the door,” shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. “I was setting the tone for our entire evening. I felt better getting it off my chest, but he felt worse, and it lasted all night. I could tell he was beginning to dread walking through the door.”

Cheryl began to put aside the last two hours of her day to spend time writing in her journal, praying and doing something she enjoyed that calmed her. “Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations, and then prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it’s made our relationship so much stronger.”

Develop interests and hobbies

Too often we talk about our illness because it’s the only thing going on in our lives. Volunteer to be on a prayer chain, write that book you’ve been meaning to write, or get involved in a scrapbook club and start putting together albums for your grandchildren. You’ll find even you aren’t as interested in talking about your illness when you have more interesting things to share.

So. . . How much is too much? It’s different for each person, but learn to be objective—how many times are you bringing up your illness? How are you benefiting from talking about it more than necessary? Regardless of whether it is attention, acknowledgment or understanding, how can you get this from God instead? How is it negatively affecting your life or those around you?

Is there a better, more creative way that you can create intimacy with your spouse, other than just sharing your aches and pains? Send up a prayer to the Lord before sharing your pain

Lord, I don’t want to burden anyone else with something they can’t fix, and I really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. She is the author of Why Can’t I Make People Understand: Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why.

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