I have many concerns about returning to the church that has not bothered to miss me, call me, or visit me for the long 8 months I haven’t been able to attend due to multiple surgeries and increased chronic pain. I want to go to fellowship with the body of church, but why did none of them care to find out what was going on with me? I was fully active in ministries for 8 years before I was unable to continue serving due to poor health.
Your frustration and disappointment is justified, but I can say with confidence that you likely just fell through the cracks and there was nothing personal about it. My church has done the same.
There are some churches that are excellent at outreaching to those with chronic illness or pain, but the majority still lack any kind of program that coordinates cards, visitations, phone calls, etc. to those who have long-term conditions. I’ve found that small churches who have Deacons or Stephen Ministries can be quite encouraging because they are aware of the challenges those with invisible illnesses are facing.
Studies have shown that the larger churches of today put congregational care low on their list of priorities (Barna Study: Church Priorities for 2005 Vary Considerably) . While they may have volunteers who quickly bring meals for those who have surgery, or teams of people to help those with cancer, those with illness are often forgotten. Many times people just don’t have any idea how bad the pain is. Especially if someone runs into you at the grocery store and you look fine. Sad, isn’t it?
That said, you have a few choices. You can go back and see how it feels and even open up some communication; not as someone scorned, but as someone who doesn’t want to see other people in the church experience the same thing. Would you be willing to help in any sort of ministry that cares for those who are ill? If you feel you physically cannot commit, could you be the “consultant” if the church wanted to have a more thorough ministry to those who are ill?
Or, if you feel too heartbroken, try a new church. Just be well-aware that it may likely happen all over again. Churches are full of imperfect people and as the founder of Rest Ministries I am all too aware of the frequency that illness ministry is entirely missed. You can find a list of churches who have devoted themselves to outreaching and welcoming those with disabilities over at Joni and Friends website here by contacting the local area ministry closest to you.
Regardless of your choice, remember how it felt, so that they next time you see a prayer request in the church bulletin, or you don’t see someone in attendance for a few weeks, check on them. Be the person you wished would have come and knocked on your door. I know it takes some effort and physical energy, but scripture says, “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” and I experience that each day. We have put together a Pinterest board of resources, books and more you can see here called, “Hurt by the Church.”
Lisa
Lisa, this really “hit home” with me today – thank you!! Bless you!!
I understand the pain of being neglected and forgotten by your church family. My husband led the music ministry for 25 years. We raised our children there. I organized a church library and a ministry to elementary kids on Sunday evenings called Heroes of the Faith. I loved having the same church for so long, and having a history with these wonderful people. In 2009, I began to take care of my 90 year old mother-in-law with dementia. My husband had the music ministry, so I stepped in to be the one who stayed home every week with her (she couldn’t be left alone). I should have realized when, in that year, only two times did one friend come, spaced months apart. Aside from that, nothing, no cards, no calls, not even an email. After 11 months, when my mother-in-law went to a nursing home, I was fine for 5 days. On the morning of the 5th day, I could hardly get out of bed. I felt like a steamroller had driven over me, and I was in hundreds of little pieces, and all of them were screaming in pain. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and thus began the loneliest stretch of my life. In the next 6 years, I made it to church less than a dozen times. In those years, I emailed our pastor (the same pastor for the whole 25 years), and told him I was in desperate need of fellowship. Was there any way I could minister to my church family from home (newsletter, etc. anything?). I told him I couldn’t understand why my church friends had forgotten me. We sign a church covenant, promising to “watch over one another’s souls.” Was I the only one who took those words seriously? He made excuses. Nothing was done. No cards. No calls. No visit from him–not his wife. Would it have been so hard to put a bug in her ear and have her pull together a couple women whom they knew to be my closest friends, and come pay me a visit? Two more years past, and I wrote him again. Still nothing. By now I had been gone 5 years (counting the one where I took care of my mother-in-law). I joked to my husband and said if I came back now, likely there would be a large portion of the congregation wondering who the blond was sitting up front beside him. Very likely, the newer people didn’t even know he was married. That stumps me further. I had friends, and a husband who was in front of them every week –would that not have reminded them that after being there every week for almost 2 decades, my seat beside him was empty–I wasn’t there. I could have walked off the face of the earth; I could have forsaken the Lord–I could have done ANYthing–did they care? Who were these people? My need didn’t fit the mold, I guess. Have a baby, you get meals; get your gallbladder out, get flowers; have cancer, you get all of the above plus cards, visits, and being put on the prayer chain. Another two years went by, and I reached out again. This time, what transpired in my contact with the pastor caused my living husband to step in and say, “enough!” Last June we left what had been our church home for the past 25 years. I have forgiven them, but the wounds of neglect heal more slowly. I was feeling low today, which is what brought me to this site.