Sometimes I feel very left out in the online support groups. I live with an incredible amount of daily pain and I just need someone who cares. It seems like everyone else in the group have people who support them and write them back. But when I share something from my heart all I get is a bunch of well-meaning advice. I don’t need advice! Or . . . no one responds at all. What I need is someone who will listen and try to understand. -Sandy
Hi, Sandy, I can hear the pain in your words. I am going to assume since you wrote to me you are asking for some kind of advice, so here is my best 2-cents.
Ask yourself, “What would the perfect response to my post be?” When we say we want people to “listen” and yet we are typing our posts out online, there are 4 ways people can respond. It’s different than having a friend who is sitting there beside us holding the tissue box.
[1] They just read it, send up a prayer, and since you don’t want advice, they choose not to post anything.
This can seem like no one is reading your post, or if they are, no one cares enough to comment and encourage you.
[2] They write something simple like, “I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will pray for you.”
This can be interpreted, if one chooses, as being “blown off” and not being given enough of one’s effort or time to write a personal response. Since these are people who live in just as much pain as you do, I am sure you can understand how limited energy and physical time spent on a computer can be. They often feel it’s best to respond with something, then with nothing at all, even if it’s brief.
[3] Someone in support groups may respond with, “I understand what you are going through. Here is how our stories are unique . . .” and then they share their story.
This can be interpreted as it being “all about them” and not you or your situation. But they are often trying to find a common thread and share how they made it through a tough time, in hopes that it will encourage you.
[4] Those in the support groups give advice. They want to help. They don’t really like options 1-3 above, so they’ve chosen to try to help you through this.
This can be interpreted as them having it more together than you, or as if they are trying to fix it for you with a “quick fix.” They usually have the best of intentions.
As you can see from the 4 options above, all can come with the best of intentions, and yet they can all be misinterpreted as something else if we choose to see it that way.[pullquote]The first step of getting what you need out of relationships is to acknowledge what it really is that you do and expect.[/pullquote] The first step of getting what you need out of relationships is to acknowledge what it really is that you do and expect. Then you can communicate that to others, even in your posts online. Start off your post with, “I really just need to vent and am looking for how you got through a similar situation.”
Or, “I’m sometimes sensitive to people giving me advice, yet I am desperate enough that I am looking for suggestions on how you think I should handle this situation.”
Support groups are kind of like our families. No one is perfect, everyone is hurting. Even those we love the most will not always respond the way we’d like. I am sure I don’t always respond the way some people would like. But I do the best I can. That is all I can do.
Most of us are looking for a place where our needs can be met, rather than looking around to see who has a need where we may be able to help. I know that is can be exhausting to reach out to others when you are not feeling well, but I began Rest Ministries in 1997 and have reached out to others nearly every day since, even when my pain level was at its worst. I try to live by Proverbs 11:25 “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I can assure you that this really happens!
Next time you feel a bit frustrated over the lack of a response, reach out to another person just because. Do it for the Lord. You may not even get a response. It may surprise you that some of the newsletters Rest Ministries sends out are opened by just 25% of our subscribers. Hundreds of devotionals have ZERO comments. But eventually we hear from many, many people, that even when they were silent, God was encouraging them through Rest Ministries. I hope this encourages you!
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. To increase communication between churches and individuals, see her new “Beyond Casseroles” DVD.
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These options are very helpful and wise; thank you! It can be really hard for any of us to see beyond our own misery and slip into self pity, but it is often true that other people are genuinely trying to help us in their own way. Whenever I am feeling too tired to do much of anything except lie down and rest, I remind myself that even God had to take a day off, and that there are times when He knows that rest is the best thing for my mind and body. He is granting me the privilege of being able to do that so I can be restored to share His blessings with others.
Whether we live with chronic pain or live a life without it, we are all flawed. This being said, yes, it is difficult to feel isolated in our suffering. We do desire something or someone to lift us out of our suffering, but no-one can do this for us. I believe this quote is true: “the only way to have a friend is to be a friend.” This takes us out of being consumed by our own woes and helps us to join with others as we unite in a small way in helping with an ear to listen to one another. I am new to this ministry, not the suffering, but to the openly sharing with others about our sufferings. My goal is to get past myself and lend an ear to what others are experiencing, while I receive encouragement through this unchosen bond that we share in our daily struggles with chronic illness. Thank you, Lisa, for writing this article and for doing it even though your body wants to prevent you in succeding in this ministry. Thanks for fighting for yourself and all of us. God bless you, Cindy.
hi, i’m so blessed to be a member of rest ministries and i shouldn’t feel the way i do, as you guys are so nice and very supportive, but somehow i feel so isolated with my pain and health issues. it’s no put down to rest ministries, but why do i feel the way i do… especially when i know jesus is holding me in the palm of his so loving hand.? to feel so blessed but so alone kinda bewilders me… my heart cries out for something that i can’t even try to explain, and i feel like i’m crying tears, but they are invisible to human eyes..
lord please comfort my crying heart and wipe away my invisible tears, as i feel so alone farther, i pray this prayer in jesus’ precious name. amen
Hi Mike,
I am sorry for your suffering and feelings of isolation. Know that you are not alone in this, as every single person I know experiences this. Part of me still yearns to participate in life like I used to before fibromyalgia invaded my body. There are times when I feel low due to chronic pain, etc, but honestly I felt isolated and alone at times when I was healthy too. For me, I remind myself that this wasn’t our Lord’s original plan for us, as we experienced a fall back in the garden. My hope is in Him and the promise of freedom spent in heaven. I also long and silently groan for this perfect place, and know that I won’t have this here, yet our Lord will give me glimpses of His kingdom while here on earth. I try to keep my focus on Him in my human flawed way while reminding myself of His love for me, even when I don’t do this 24/7. Do you have any outside human contact outside of your home? I do, and it really helps me to have God’s people surrounding me, praying for me and encouraging me, but there isn’t even one person that can satisfy me longing heart for a perfect life. I will have low times and good times in this life-that is a promise. I vote for all good times, but that won’t happen here no matter how much I would like this to take place. Hold on Mike! There is a christian band that sings, “Hold on, help is on the way. Hold on, He comes to save the day…” I know that praise and thanksgiving helps lift oppression. This is NO LECTURE! Through gritted teeth there are times that this is how my praise starts. As I continue to thank and praise Him, my mind and hear t turn towards Him and out flows true gratitude and an uplifted spirit. God bless you, Mike, as you are never really alone. Praying right now for you!
Thank you, Lisa, for such an insightful response to this struggling sister. I read the devotionals every day and I am one of those who rarely, if ever, comments about them. Even when I am particularly blessed, I just thank the Lord and hit the delete key. It isn’t that I don’t care because I do. I have prayed for those who share and really ought to be more open to all of you. There is no trust issue with me but I am one of those who was “preached” at, if you will, to NOT talk about what is going on with me physically. I get the feeling from my family (husband and adult kids) that they got tired of hearing about my problems a very long time ago so I don’t say a word about how I am feeling. Frankly, they don’t even seem to “get” when I am having a bad day. I am expected to appear at sports events my grandkids are in and they have no idea what a hardship it can be for me to show up! I try but some days I just can’t do it. Then I feel guilty. So, here I am complaining to you! Please know that you are ALL in my prayers even though I am rarely say a thing here. God bless you in your continued ministry.
Hello Steph,
Boy do we need each other! I would love to hear what is on your heart and mind. I too understand about feeling that I shouldn’t discuss my health woes. I am in the past year or so deciding to not keep it as hidden. I hope that I don’t hit people over the head with it, and I keep it in balance. We sure need to bring things to the Light and also help one another, You never really know when you have just the right thing to help another person. I hope that you will start sharing with us, as I want to get to know you.
God’s blessings on you today and always,
Cindy
I too feel the same way. I am stuck with my abuser (1995) and find it so, so frusting that there is NO support of any kind. I just get “you need to do the floors, cut the grass, go to the store. I can bearly walk down the stairs at times let alone walk two and a half blocks to the store. Is it wrong to hope to be held sometimes and hear a special person say, “you will make it” or you are doing well? i am tired of hearing things like you are a man and can handle it or just suck it up.
Also, from other christians keep hitting me over the head with you are not doing right.
sorry, just adding my feelings. I do thank God for Rest Ministries. maybe just wish there was more.
Sandy, my heart breaks for you. I see what you describe all too often. When we’re really down, we need to be heard; to feel understood, to be hugged and supported..Not suggestions, advice, or basically – just cheer up and smile (or in the Cowboy Country – “Buck Up”). More people need to have “cauliflower ears” from listening..intently listening.
Dear Mike, I know what you mean about feeling so alone some days and I feel like that also. I make plans, can’t make them and have so many things that I cannot do that it drives me crazy sometimes. I have Reynoids, Lupus, Sjogrens) sp. sorry, syndrome, ostoaritis., sp.again, acid flux reflex, hyadal hernia, sp/ again sorry and other things. I cannot go out in the sun and that is a huge limetation in my life. sorry about all the spelling problems. I have a nuro stymulater in me for pain from nerve damage in my head from having shingles that did not respond to medicines. I almost forgot that one and it is a serious one! There is just too much to say about the physical problems I have. But and here is the good news, I love God too. That is the longing we have to meet.For people cannot meet out needs, they can help us, try to soothe us,, but they cannot feel what we feel, hurt the way we hurt and long for what is perceived as a normal life. What is normal. Your life is your normal. So is mine. I don’t like it a lot of days, but I have to push on. Please do not give up. You are special. Everyone is special. Please do not give up. Cheryl
Sandy,
When we put our words to the pen, the deepest tones of emotion we usually feel are impossible to convey to any reader of the words we write. I think a lot of the time readers become so lost in the sadness of a person’s situation, they simply are at a loss to come up with an appropriate response, so they sound “textbook” to you, and to most other readers. Even reading the Bible can seem kind of “textbookish” as a source of consolation.
The very best consolation I have discovered is to sit down with my guitar & strum out a good praise hymn. I think “praise” raises the attention of our Father in heaven faster than any post to others on the internet will grant us. I have a couple favorites, but find your own that best suits the feelings you want God to listen to about yourself.
You can usually find renditions of almost any song of Faith on YouTube, put the title into their search engine of one you especially enjoy & bring it up & sing along with the vocalist. I find this better than being in church, I’m alone with my Creator & I can softly speak out loud to Him with the assistance of a soft voice in the background helping me with the words.
Many times while strumming my guitar, I have asked Christ bring his guitar & come into the room with me so we can make music together, it has never happened, but that doesn’t prevent me from asking just the same, at least He knows just how I feel & long for His presence.
There are times I don’t know where I would be without my music, so learn to make your own, it will help more than you know, you will go to bed at night with the words you’ve been singing as they echo through your spirit until finally you go to sleep, often-times you may find yourself dreaming of more music and maybe you will wake up almost feeling as if Christ was alongside comforting you through the night, I know, it happens to me.