I can’t seem to find my voice. I usually have so much to say, thoughts that must get down on paper. But I cannot think in complete sentences. Nothing seems worth saying.
A ten-day trip rejuvenated me. . . and exhausted me. I want to cocoon into my own world for a few days.
Oddly, I can. My son is at day camp. I have nothing I must do. My husband works late. No need for dinners.
Mac and cheese. Peanut butter. Popcorn.
I know. Not the best meals. But sometimes every mother just says, “Why not? What harm will it do to have popcorn for dinner?”
My email program is broken. I am running a “restore feature.” It’s been running two days. I can’t go through the normal routine of “back to work.”
It’s seems foreign to not have multiple responsibilities. With my life comes a to-do list. Days are usually about getting through, not pondering my plans. I have come to expect chaos, and it feels normal.
I wander around, I watch the news, I see what friends are doing on Facebook. It all seems pointless. I hardly looked at news or social networks for 10 days and it made. . . no. . . difference.
I feel cleansed somehow. Unable to get back into the motion of doing.
What was it like to just be?
God tells us He will “refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” (Jeremiah 31:25). I am open to the refreshment but I have forgotten how to ask.
I curl up with my Bible. What is God’s plan for my time this week? I read. I search. I pray.
Usually I am overwhelmed with God’s voice. Instead I just hear, “Rest. . . Just rest. It’s okay. Don’t make the idea of resting one more thing to do.”
Laundry needs folding. Unpacking needs completed. I don’t care.
My body needs to rest. My soul needs to rest.
It will wait.
I can wait.
I am learning to be satisfied without the chaos.
Calmness is not just a lack of chaos. It is peace in finding the quietness.
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.