“Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.” (1 Peter 4:19)
Some decisions seem to be impossible to make.
I faced one of those this past week.
It may not sound like a difficult decision, but it was a choice that left me teetering on the fence, agonizing over what seemed to be an impossible choice.
As summer nears its end, the next school year looms large on the horizon. Yes, I should be past dealing with the school years, but having chosen to raise my deceased daughter’s children, we have been back in the parenting game for 7 years.
Based on numerous factors, we decided to homeschool. Yet, with all the new health issues I am facing, homeschooling has become more and more difficult. Difficult to the point I had to decide whether or not to utilize the public school system. Some folks may be fans of traditional schools, but I am not one. Dealing with learning disabilities and some emotional issues made keeping them home the logical choice. With my background and training, it just made sense. Beyond that, it was what I felt God wanted us to do.
I can do it no longer. Quite frankly, I can’t keep up. How awful to say that. So after weeks of teeter-tottering, praying, talking to others–the decision was made. Our nine-year-old is enrolled in a traditional school. Our fourteen-year-old is going to attend an online public school. That is the best I can do this year.
The best I can do. So often anymore, the best I can do doesn’t seem good enough. Feelings of failing others, failing myself, and failing God creep it. I have to admit to crying over this one. Even as we were signing her up, I felt the tears begin to well up inside.
Did I have to fail at this, too?
What was once a joy has become a demanding chore I can’t handle. I wasn’t up to the task.
I must view it as one more opportunity to rely on God. He knows, better than I, what the coming year will bring. In the past, I have looked back and realized how God had been working behind the scenes to bring about what was best for our family. Often at the time, it looked like anything but the best.
So, with a longing tug at my heart, I do not do what I want, but what the situation demands. And more importantly, what God asks. I entrust her to God’s care.
Prayer: Father God, I pray, that as we each face the challenges of our lives that we are able to entrust you with everything that comes into our life and with everything we need let go of. You knows better than we do, when we have done the best we can. Amen.
About the Author:
deni weber believes that the only true way to deal with chronic challenges is to bring them to the feet of her Lord and Savior. Her challenges have taught her many things about herself and her Christian walk. It is her fondest desire that her lessons may be helpful to others as they walk the path of chronic illness. Her website is TodaysEncouragingWordonline.com – deni can be reached at encouragingwords@pathways4change.org .
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Are there things in your life that you have agonized over letting go? How have you handled those challenges? Can you simply do the best you can, and leave the results to God?
My own struggles this past year have shown me how letting go and placing myself in God’s hands can reap benefits beyond my expectations. I have struggled with personal illness since 2001. It began with arthritis causing me to lose functionality. I was out of work for 5 months unable to dress myself, bathe, and walk without great difficulty. I was unable to physically perform the job of a registered nurse. I had been finishing my bachelor’s degree and was able to obtain a job supervising in a physical medicine rehabilitation facility. Since I realized that I would continue to physically decline, I decided to continue my education using the online environment ultimately obtaining a PHD. I can say that keeping my mind occupied has strengthened my spirit and kept me from loosing hope. With physical therapy and water exercise, I was able to build my strength in walking to obtain a job supervising in a midsize hospital. My employers were aware of my disabilities. I would have continued at this job, but in 2008, I received a diagnosis of small fiber neuropathy with an underlying causation of multiple myeloma. I worked throughout my 13 months of treatment, but the side effects of the treatment challenged me physically and caused me to stop my exercise program. While I was in the midst of my treatment, my husband was diagnosed in 2009 with a rare form of thyroid cancer. He had radiation therapy for his treatment at the tail end of my cancer treatment. His cancer was metastatic and when they did his follow-up scan, it had traveled to the lining of his heart. My cancer numbers were good after the treatment. He developed pneumonia and was admitted to the ICU 3 times in 2010, We decided to put him on hospice in November 2010. My doctor had told me in 2009 that I should stop working, but with my husband so ill, I was unable to cope with another change in my life. My physical condition was getting worse and I was having increased difficulty walking.
We were both under retirement age. We had to sell the house at a loss. We were able to move in my parents for a short time and then we started having everything come our way. I was approved for long-term disability – a guaranteed income until I am 62. I was approved right away for social security disability (my husband was already on since 2009). We found a condo for all cash with a maintenance below $500 in a lovely 55+ community with heated indoor and outdoor pools and active clubhouse. The condo needed very few improvements and renovations. The hospice is wonderful and supportive. I am looking forward to meeting new people and best of all being able to build my strength physically and spiritually in an active community.
This devotional came at a great time. I can’t keep up with walking a dog we got just six weeks ago. We thought we were getting a lap dog that was low maintenance. She loves to sit on your lap, but she also is a high energy terrier mix that wants to chase squirrels, birds, etc. on her walks. She weighs only 14 lbs, but I have trouble controlling her on walks. I weigh 106 lbs, have fibromyalgia, and I’m 64 years old. Plus I just started a job as a crossing guard. We live in a town north of Dallas. The temps have been 104, 105, 106 since school started last Monday and will be the same next week. It’s difficult enough working in this heat, and really difficult walking our dog in the heat. We are looking for a home for this sweet dog. She was a rescue dog and has had a rough life. I thought I could keep up with her, but after praying and facing reality, I realized we can’t keep her. I feel terrible about giving her up, but finding her a home is the best we can do.
This devotion comforted me with the knowledge that I’m not the only one who struggles with not being able to do everything I would like to do. I am praying about a home for our dog and trusting the Lord to find her a place where she will be happy and loved. I praise God for continuing to give me strength to work and take care of our dog until we find her a home.
I have recently had a similar thing happen to me. Last summer I had to leave my husband after trying to make it work with him for 11 years. The strife and his attitude and immaturity were all making me sicker by the year. Anyway, I left him with our only vehicle since I rarely drive; I have abnormal movements that are very much like seizures so I really don’t need to driving anyway.
At times I have been very lonely and really thought that a companion animal was the answer. So I bought a beagle pup of 9 weeks old. I tried really hard to housebreak this animal who was so sweet. He would lick my face any chance he got, but went from 4 lbs to 8 lbs in 2 weeks. He was already pulling on the leash too hard for me and I knew it was only going to get worse. When inside, he had “accident” after “accident” so I was frequently scrubbing up the carpet. It would make me cry from exhaustion. And I finally had to admit, I just cannot do this anymore. I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (most frequently called CFIDS/CFS here in the USA) and fibromyalgia. And my daughter got so mad at me because she had spent so much on a very nice collar and leash, food, toys and treats, which I asked for as my birthday present. So, she got the dog and refused to help me get another animal.But I looked for one and prayed that God would provide the transportation, somehow. My soon-to-be ex-husband loaned me the $75.00 I needed to get another, older pup but he ended up not being able to take me. But God came through.
Yesterday, my insurance co. transportation provider took me to pick up another pup that I found online nearby. It was in my budget range and older, already puppy pad trained, sweet, sweet, sweet! I am NOT going to try to keep this one from going inside at all. It was just too much. I will just use the puppy pads and keep them changed out, NO BIG DEAL, right? I prayed for God to help me find just the right fit for me, in a dog, that is, and He did. He answers prayers in His timing, in His way. I shouldn’t have rushed the process with such a young pup as the beagle was. And anyway, I just wanted you to know, I felt horrible having to get rid of that dog. I wanted to believe I could do this. But, I realized I just had to do it differently. Now I have my little companion. His name is Buddy. Thank you Jesus!
Your article brought me to tears with the reality of my own situation and, after reading other “comments” I find great humility in the fact that others suffer as much as or more than I. My husband and I were talking about this just the other day. When I was younger (and healthier) I was able to do all the things I needed and wanted to do…go to all of my children’s activities, cook, bake, crochet, wash the car, scrub the floors, work out…it was so busy and wonderful. Now we are grandparents and I would love to be able to do so much for our grandchildren; however, now I have a form of rheumatoid and also fibromyalgia. Many days it is difficult just to get ready for work in the morning. If I forget to take my midday medication, I pay for it for 24 hours or more. Simple things, like getting on the floor to play with my grand children, or carrying them upstairs to change a diaper, holding their hands while they stand/bounce on my legs…all these things hurt now, and I bruise so easily. Yesterday, a support person at work took a vacation day and I was covering her desk as well as my own. Several years ago, when I was younger, and before I developed these conditions, handling 20 tasks at once would have been no problem…but not anymore. I had difficulty concentrating with all the interruptions and keeping up with the queries from the younger staff. I had to re-do some tasks a couple times and, by the time I got home I was exhausted. It is difficult to admit that being 55 does not mean 25 or 35. I have physical limitations now, and the medications create memory and focusing difficulties as well.
Just two years ago I had attempted to finish my associate degree but, even that proved extremely difficult. I got my “A’s” but at what cost! I was doing homework late at night, sometimes all night with no sleep before going to early morning class and then to work. Education has always been important to me, and I was happy in class but, physically I could not handle it anymore. When the college discontinued the stipend for honors classes, and I could no longer afford to go, I was devastated. Now I realize that God stepped in and found a way for me to slow down, since I could not seem to make that decision on my own.
There are bad days, and there are worse. Even on the good days, as my doctor reminds me, I need to take it slow so that I don’t make the next day a bad one. I think this is God’s way of reminding me that I am not in control. Everything I am able to do comes from God, and I only can do things in His time. I need to be grateful for the many things I still can do and not dally in self-pity for things of the past. For example, I never got around to planting flowers in my little garden this year and it made me sad. But, late in the summer, some brave petunias bloomed from last year’s planting and they offer such a joyful burst of color each morning as I leave for work. The perennial Turtle Mouths also have begun their Autumn blooming and, just yesterday, after work, I found a huge grasshopper sitting contentedly on one of the leaves. By the time I went into the house, got the camera and came back outside, I did not expect him to still be there, but there he was, just the same…and he turned his head to look at me while I took photo after photo. I wanted to capture him hopping from one leaf to another but, after some time, he slowly and methodically walked from one leaf down to the next. Maybe, like me, he was too old to jump anymore, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy basking in the warm sun…and contributing to my joyful appreciation of God’s wonderful creation. So, while I am slowing down, I also am able to see more and appreciate more. And now I take more time to thank God for all that I had and all that I have. I try not to worry about the future, either. Worrying about the future only wastes the joys of the present. Thank you, God, for Your present!
Love the last line of the above comment: “Worrying about the future only wastes the joys of the present. Thank you, God, for Your present!” That’s where I am. I have a roof over my head, right now. I have food in the frig, right now. I have power to the computer so I can do my job, right now. No matter if those things may not be there next month – I have them right now.
I have my son – my 11 year old sixth grade big boy. We have a good school and a good IEP. He was just in here to give me a hug – I don’t turn down hugs unless the pain is really unbearable.
I have a job, when so many don’t. We got spared the brunt of Hurricane Irene down here in Charleston, when NC got hit (again). And I just found out a few minutes ago that some friends in costal NC had bugged out to SC before she hit. They are safe. God continues to be good.
SO – the fact that I have to choose between bills and groceries this month… the fact that I have to choose between giving the tithe and paying rent this month… the fact that I’m pulling in less than half of what I made this time last year, and that instead of getting paid every two weeks (26 pay periods per year) I get paid twice a month (24 pay periods)… take a back seat to God’s goodness. I still don’t know what to do about the nastygrams from the collectors either.
I was in med school from 1991 until 1994… with a six month break due to illness in between… and then finally out of school altogether in November 1994. By grace, God gave me a job as a medical transcriptionist, since my illnesses were already making it impossible for me to retrain in anything clinical. My formal diagnoses include arthritis, asthma, multiple wonky allergies, and fibromyalgia (which means, in short, that I am in pain all the time). When I was trying to do clinical rotations, I was getting to the point where I was dizzy and near fainting from being on my feet too many hours at a time. Rounds were killer. I couldn’t keep my mind together enough to answer questions from the attendings and residents coherently. And yet – my parents were livid when I left school. I informed them about the decision but they were upset I didn’t let them try to talk me out of it first. Believe me, missing two weeks in the middle of rotations was enough time to pray through and learn that God was calling me out of school at that point.
And now – after just short of 16 years at that job – I was laid off last fall, with no real way to provide for the bills the way I used to. And the job market has only gotten worse. My husband has had jobs and been laid off many times over the years (we will have been married 15 years this October), and his income is for the first time more than mine – which goes to show just how little I make now. I can’t just go out and get a better paying job, and the types of work for which he qualifies don’t pay well either.
I remember a video I saw on Youtube a good while back – a fellow who had terminal cancer and knew the Lord was calling him home soon – he said, when all is going great – God is great, and God is good. When all is falling apart and disaster is happening in your life – God is still great, and God is still good. He is a stronghold and a tower, a Rock to cling to when the storms batter us. Blessed be His holy name.