It is the second week in January. According to the world, it is time to “get busy.” But I feel like molasses is a world of energy drinks. I still have much I want to give, but it is not bubbling just below the surface like it usually does.
Despite all the hype about doing, I am just concentrating on being. Well, the word “concentrating” is over-stating the reality. Honestly, I am just wandering around, resting in not having a to-do list of items that “must be done today or else,” and yet, still feeling like I am wasting time by just resting.
There is a long list of things I should be doing for this ministry. I feel my presence has not been what protocol dictates. Yet, I don’t like to fake it. I want to be real with you. I want to be authentic. And who says I all of these ideas should turn into more “should”–really? What shoulds have you put upon yourself and then felt the stress because you didn’t do it?
I am too depleted to give of myself, so I have just been hibernating for awhile. And waiting. Sometimes the waiting may come across to you as me being unorganized, uncaring, distracted. But it is just self-preservation. It is getting rid of the noise in my life, so if God speaks –I can hear Him.
Most ministries have many employees. While the founder takes a needed sabbatical, the program leaders start up a new Bible study. While the founder stays home to get over a cold, the web designer updates the site to reflect the new year. I am very blessed to have volunteers that help us in so many ways, and yet, I still feel as though I am dropping the ball. I am here. but, right now, I don’t have anything I can give.
There is much God wants to do with Rest Ministries. There is also much I want to do. But I need some time to determine what He wants to build–without my plans getting in the way.
I am soaking, marinating, spending time regrouping. I am not depressed. Discouraged perhaps, because I have stuff I want to do but no energy. I am discouraged because I know that the new year often feels this way to me and yet, for some reason, I am still surprised when I am not a ball of fire on January 1st like the rest of the world.
For now, I am just maintaining the coals beneath the surface. The fire is still there, but it is simmering, not producing flames.
So know this. . . I have not forgotten you, my precious friends of Rest Ministries. I have faith that you understand. And during times like this it is always amazing for me to sit back and watch you minister to each other in ways that I cannot even imagine. Out of your own pain comes so much unbelievable joy. And I know that there is no possible way joy can come from pain unless you are rooted in God’s loving hand.
These are the times that humble me. I am reminded that this ministry is not about me or what I can do. It is God’s ministry and I am leaving it in His hands as I rest.