Karlton Douglas, one of our regular devotional writers, had someone who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness write to him asking for advice in a few areas.
Karlton wrote him back and then sent a copy of the letter to us to see if we would be interested in reprinting it here at Rest Ministries.
I hope you will read it and comment below on what you agree with, disagree with, your experience and more. What advice would you give someone who has just been diagnosed with an illness that may last his or her lifetime?
A Letter to One Afflicted With Illness (From One Who is Also Afflicted)
I think most of my life with illness I have felt it is a battle the Lord and I have fought alone. Beyond praying with me and a bit of encouragement, my little church has only helped me by being there to provide a place for me to worship God.
As for family, my family has helped and encouraged where they could, but they can only do so much, and while they would help me with the burden of illness, I soon learned that if I could not carry it myself, I should not expect them to be able to carry it either. Ultimately, I must give it to the Lord and learn to depend upon Him to help me through the affliction.
It is good that you are getting counseling. To be quite frank, most churches are ill-equipped, ill-prepared, and simply without resources or the ability to provide serious counseling. And some churches are not good at counseling because they have an out-of-touch-with-reality attitude towards illness and the ill.
As far as people avoiding you, I have experienced that most people at heart are cowards when it comes to illness. They don’t like reminders that it could be them that is afflicted and that some day they might have to endure a similar problem. And some church people live with their heads in the clouds and don’t want to face real problems, they use God and church to live in a state of denial about real hardship.
Of course, our Lord did not run from illness or the afflicted, just the opposite, and I’ve found when all else fails, I can depend upon Him for the grace and wisdom to see me through.
I think over time you will get both stronger and wiser as you learn to rely upon the Lord. Accept help from others, and receive their encouragement, but I suspect you will put down deeper roots in your walk with the Lord as He enables you to grow spiritually. I pray things will get better and better for you.
Karlton Douglas
While we may each have our own path, we are never alone. Chronic illness is a burden, but this letter does not show any hope or that happiness is possible through a spiritual journey toward acceptance of your illness. A referral to this group would have been a blessing. In this digital age, the Internet gives us resources beyond brick and mortar churches. It must be also realized that each experience is unique and that an individual needs to try until a fit is reached. A medical provider can also provider support. I see my medical doctor once a month. With my illness, this is needed for emotional support and medical oversight.
I did write something about this letter but think i forgot to post it so
I agree the church does struggle with these issues especially disability, but then the church is full of sinners , like myself, so we find it hard to handle and others tend to shun us through the week. You know the old one about Anybody, Somebody and Nobody.” Who is going to visit him…well Anybody can do that…well Somebody will” and who goes in the end, that’s right NOBODY It’s a good job The Lord does andy
I was impressed by Mr. Douglas’ remark that people are scared by our chronic illness because they don’t want to be reminded that they, too, might be affected by one someday. It’s true: people don’t know how to act around us. Can they hug us without hurting us? What can we do on our own, and what do we need help with? It’s hard for them to know until we tell them.
Do we need to stay isolated because of our illness? No, there are many ways to interact with others. We can start walking with neighbors, join an exercise class at the “Y”, take a community center craft class, read to children at the elementary school, or visit shut-ins at a nursing home – there are many possibilities. Many times I’ve gone to the nursing home, walking with my cane – and the residents opened right up to me as someone else with a disability.
I am fortunate to have a church with excellent professional counselors. Churches have many demands these days for food, shelter, and clothing. They are usually neither trained nor prepared to help the chronically ill. Whenever possible, we should educate churches on what they can do to help those with chronic conditions. To this end, Lisa Copen has resources for us at restministries.com.
Karlton Douglas’ words are expressed with compassion and deep insight. I agree completely, and especially that we need to learn to carry our burdens with our Lord. And remember that this too is a process; it does take time to learn. I become impatient with my pain and limitations, and daily forget that this “burden” isn’t going away; but neither is my Savior. This gives me strength to start over everyday and walk on. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for making yourselves available to others, giving us hope.
While I think I understand why it was said, I disagree with the response that said this letter shows no hope. It does indeed show hope – and where and in Whom our hope is. When all is said and done, we’ve got to sink our roots into Jesus – His real and abiding presence and word. Everyone else will fail. They don’t mean to, but they do and will. We do, too. He is the only One Who will be there perfectly through it all.
While the letter was short and didn’t pull any punches (that may’ve been what cause the no hope comment), I thought that was very helpful, insightful and cut through to the heart of the issue. I’ve been on the journey long enough to want the bottom line. I’ve heard lots of warm fuzzy speeches (with no lasting help or follow-thru); I’ve “been there done that.” I’ve been let down and I’ve let others down. That’s part of the journey, along with forgiveness and healing. I was very encouraged to read this letter and know that I’m not alone in my observations.
I am blessed with a church family that has a very strong counselling ministry (our senior pastor’s degree and heartbeat is for counselling) and, for the most part, is very supportive and is learning to look for practical ways to support and minister to those who are ill. But Mr. Douglas is right – a huge majority of churches aren’t there yet and don’t yet see the need to be, either thru fear, ignorance or flawed doctrine. My family is not quite as supportive as my church has been – it’s not that they don’t care, they just don’t understand and I think are afraid – as the letter said, it can be scary and folks tend to be cowards; that’s just human nature. Not that everyone is – praise the Lord for those exceptions!!! – but in general it remains true. The bottom line is, no matter how well-intentioned, people are people and they will let each other down, within the body of Christ as well as without. We’re not completely sanctified yet. But those times when you are hurting and feel alone are when you begin to really grab on to Him. And that’s where the hope is. He never fails. He never changes. And He gives me grace to “not hold it against” those who don’t understand or who avoid me, even if it’s my church. And He also gives me courage to reach out and try again – to plug into communities like this one.
Another thought – perhaps I’m (we’re) His instrument to help His church become His hands and feet as He’s called us to be: sensitive and intentional about ministering to the chronically ill. My church wasn’t very aware of this until I began an all-out battle with Lyme Disease (both chronic and acute) 2 and 3/4 years ago. Before that? We had a family with two people suffering from environmental illness. They were isolated and often regarded as weird or oversensitive or inconvenient. That’s not the attitude now, but I know it had to hurt those who were suffering. But they graciously – and assertively when needed – let needs and issues be known. They were the forerunners and now I’m reaping some of the gracious harvest they sowed. Am I up to “campaigning” or advocating? Not right now and maybe never. In fact, most of us aren’t. And we’re not all called to be. But we can, by graciously interacting with our churches, and families, be the first to plant the seeds of awareness…as the Lord enables. But first…we’ve got to put down roots in Him. (Psalm 1). Our strength, our hope, our interactions with others must all flow out of Him.
I do share you opinion to a certain extent. nobody else knows what we are going through except Jesus. I do find reading devotionals helpful. but for me having our Hopekeepers group is one where I can share and pray with others with some kind of understanding. My church are very interested in what goes on within our group and are there to support us.
Robynne
To the author of this article…i am sorry that you feel/think that “most churches are ill-equipped, ill-prepared, and simply without resources or the ability to provide serious counselling. And some churches are not good at counseling because they have an out-of-touch-with-reality attitude towards illness and the ill.” –> I think churches like those have a serious lack in the idea of community, which is so important for church. I am so blessed and grateful that after much praying, God has led my husband and I to a new home church that is very much equipped and prepared to provide serious counselling, whether through the pastoral staff, the prayer team, or small group leaders. I recently e-mailed my pastor this week and told him how much I enjoyed his first service in our series on suffering, and that I shared his message with others also suffering from illness. In his service he spoke about how there are two responses to suffering:
1. world-focused, where our lives start to revolve around our world of suffering
2. God-focused – where we welcome God in our suffering and allow Him to work in us while we endure our trials.
I also sent my pastor a link to my blog – where I share my story of my illness and my testimony, and he e-mailed me the same day, saying he was nearly in tears reading it outside his daughter’s ballet studio on his Ipad. He also invited my husband and I to meet with him personally and share about life. (If you would like to read that blog, you can read it here http://helpingotherpatientseverywhere.blogspot.com/2011/12/when-i-was-17-my-llife-changed-for.html)
And just a couple of days after, my pastor sent a church-wide e-mail, asking everyone at church to come to “praise and worship” night, where it will be a special service dedicated to healing and intercession, and praying for all the diseases and illnesses in our church.
So while I agree with most of what you said – I would add that if your church doesn’t seem equipped or interested in helping you with your journey through illness, that church has either lost the vision of community and has forgotten that James has called people of the church to gather together to pray for the sick. Also, if the church does not know you’re sick – you have to step up and let them know you need comfort, and healing.
James 5:14 “Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.”
I also want to share another church story about my illness. When I was 17 years old, I spent over a month in the ICU and 32 days in a coma. During that time, church members came and cooked meals for my family, and took turns watching over me at my bedside in the ICU so that I was never alone.
So again, I am sorry you feel that it is only you and God battling your illness. I have an invisible illness and I don’t experience chronic symptoms. But when I first went to my scrapbook club at church..and the conversation led to God’s provision in life, and I shared about God’s provision during my illness, and shortly after everyone laid hands over me and prayed for me. Being involved in small groups at church is also great for fostering a deeper sense of community, so you can put names and stories to the faces around you
Thank you for sharing. I am so thrilled to hear you have found a good church, but do count it as a blessing. Sadly, Karlton’s comment that most churches are not like yours however, is very true. They are in the minority, and many churches do not really care to reach out to those with illness or disabilities, as they see them as more needy than helpful for what the church needs.
As founder of RM, I continue to try to change this in everything I do, from speaking at Joni and Friends conferences to developing materials such as our Beyond Casseroles DVD for training of deacons, etc.
Some people do change churches, some try but are unable to find rides, etc. And some people stay at their church and attempt to try to gently open the eyes of those in charge to see the gifts the chronically ill can provide that are not always obvious to those who are looking for volunteers with physical strength. Sadly, many leave and never return to any church.
I think rather than hiding the fact that many churches do not understand invisible illnesses is vital, we need to gently educate. Too often people feel left out and are told to they have something wrong with them because they are not healed. they often leave the /any church indefinitely because they think all Christians believe this. It is Important to note that churches are made of people–all sinners, and at there are other churches they ca try before dismissing God.
What an interesting spectrum of conversation you started with your letter, Karlton! I think that’s great….good job! I’ve only just read it & am new to RM…..reckon I better get involved too!! Love a good discussion, especially when it makes me think more deeply!
Thankfully the Lord has been my rock too when times are tough & no-one truly “gets it”. I love the image that I crawl up onto my Daddy’s knee where I can lean against His chest close to His heartbeat with His loving & protective arms around me. I’ve spent many an hour imagining myself there & experience intense peace at those times. How do people cope without the Lord in their lives?!
It seems I’m in the minority blessed to have a church supporting us in many ways….meal roster for a meal provided every 2 weeks with everyone involved aware of the list of foods I’m allergic/intolerant of; another lady providing us with a meal once/week; another lady coming weekly to assist with washing, ironing & housework; monthly communion at home from our minister; some visits after an sms to me first; & the elders & minister even came & prayed around our home & property recently when times were super tough. We are so blessed! I’m well aware that it’s a steep learning curve for them & us! I’m also aware that they kinda HAD to deal with it ‘cos I was an elder, led the singers each Sunday & opened worship once a week…..so my absence was very obvious! (I haven’t managed getting to church in over a year & am confined to bed/recliner pretty close to 24/7.)
I totally agree with Lisa that we need to “gently educate” our church family. So, yes, I’ve had to be vulnerable & open to explain things sometimes when it’s been tough! The church family & our family have had to be loving & forgiving knowing that we’re not perfect & will make “mistakes” along the way & that’s ok! Had to put a note in the church newsletter recently asking the congregation to please ask my hubby how he is, rather than always asking how my son & I are (both have CFS/MCS). He was getting to the point that he’d come home from church exhausted from going over & over the same old, same old! However, they want to know how best to love us & do really care, just don’t always know how to & are worried they might hurt or offend. I’m aware that I need to occasionally put a note in our newsletter to say briefly how I am too & to reassure them that the Lord is right there with me in this.
God bless each one of you in your journeys with your health, our Lord & your God-given church family.
Lotsoluv Kerryn