If you had the opportunity to sit down and really share about your pain, what would you tell the pastor of your church about your chronic illness and daily pain?
Lisa Copen
Living with chronic illness is lonely. Everyone around us seems to be enjoying health, happiness, and the ability to at least pursue their dreams. But many of us feel lonely, scared, and disappointed. We are faced with so many insecurities and we are living with an illness that we have not been able to pray away, cry away, or confess away.
So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.
But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.
“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”
We asked our readers, What would you like to tell the pastor about what it is like to live with a chronic illness? Perhaps your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?
Here are some of your heart-felt replies about what you would tell the pastor in your church if you had the chance:
Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.
- I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
- It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
- Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
- I would tell the pastor that some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
- There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
- I’d tell the pastor that those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”- Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
- I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
- Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
—Marguerite - Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
- My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
- Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
I would tell the pastor to please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv- My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
- My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
- I’d like to tell the pastor that I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
- My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
- As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
- As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
- It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.
I too have fibromyalgia and have had arthritis since I was a teen which as I get older is of course getting worse. Our church is very understanding and sensitive of people with disabilities but mine being hidden, I just have to let them know. I’ve always felt it was my responsibility to know my limits and live accordingly but I do tend to push myself. All these comments are so spot on. Physically we may not be able to serve but we can pray. We can send an encouraging note or e-mail to the pastor after a particularly good sermon or the worship leader for putting together an inspiring worship service.
Wonderful! I am forwarding this to every pastor in my email address book.
What I would like to tell my pastsor and everyone else at church is:
When I am in the Lord’s presence I ask Him why…why can’t I be like them? Why do I have to be crippled and be different? I hear from Jesus, “My grace is sufficient My daughter, and My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” My heart is comforted, but my pride is hurt. I want to be like them because I want…I want…I want! Maybe this whole disease is because I need to learn to live as Jesus has asked me – as a child who depends on Him for everything. Maybe if I live as a child, I can learn to love as Jesus loved and it would cause the whole church to wake up and realize that loving as Jesus loved IS the greatest of all gifts given to mankind. That is what I would like to tell my pastor and everyone else.
Wow, spot on, thanks…
Today’s devotional really hit home for me. I am rarely well enough to attend church but it doesn’t mean I don’t worship God and love the Lord with all my heart. It is particularly hard because my husband has had a men’s group at church for years and is also an usher. I tried to lead a Rest Ministries group at church but felt I had very little support. I very rarely receive calls from anyone at church any more and wonder if anyone even cares any more. I still believe there is the need for a chronic illness group like Rest Ministries in my area but I just feel like I’m alone, with the exception of my husband. Thanks to all the others who spoke up this morning. I can relate to almost every one of you.
Blessings,
Janice
WOW, so much of this sounded familiar. I used to go to a very small church and for the most part, they were very helpful. I even had a soft rocker in the service that I could sit in. I know that there were maybe a few who said a few things about it but most were kind. But then we moved to a big city and now I am in a church fastly growing into a mega church. We know this is the church the Lord wants us in. BUT it is hard. I feel like I have to walk a football field to get in and to a seat. Crowds are everywhere and people aren’t really even watching although I have had a cane with me lately. The services are about two hours long and the chairs are so uncomfortable. But I really don’t even have an idea how to fix this. It’s go to church and suffer or stay home and suffer that I can’t go to church. We joined a house group and they have the meeting in the basement and it is packed. If we don’t get ere early and find a nice seat, I would again be stuck in a folding chair. I am sure I could make a fuss and get a good chair but there are lots of older people there older than I am and I have these feelings of taking away an older person’s chair and sitting in it. I feel stuck in these dilemmas and not sure how to speak up for myself. Now I have torn something in my knee and it is going to be so hard to get down those stairs. Makes me want to cry. How can I even make friends in this large church when there continues to be obstacles? Then other groups we had tried to belong to had people in them that had the belief I should be healed as should everyone and I was fighting that battle and couldn’t wait until the time to leave that group and get a new one. We are non denominational and that is not our church’s belief but there are people in the church who believe that way.
I am really not trying to whine and complain here, just sharing these dilemmas that I can’t seem to figure out how to solve on my own. Plus we have always gone to churches that were usually around 75 to 300 people and a church that is getting close to 4,000 is daunting to me. Guess I need to pray more and ask the Lord what the answer is. They were having bright lights go out into the auditorium during worship time and thankfully I and several others did write in on the comment card how these bright lights and strobe lights were migraine starters and causing headaches, etc. And they stopped sending them our way. So, one thing was solved – now for all the rest….. Prayerfully, Melody (chronic migraines, severe arthritis throughout my body,chronic back problems with discs, etc., fibromyalgia, now a torn meniscus or ligament – I see the surgeon on Wed. & I need my knees replaced so may just go ahead & do that – I’m 56, & a few other little things but that is enough to write here – ugh)
Dearest Brothers & Sisters,
I really empathize with you all, being ill myself. However, without patronizing, may I remind you of a few things. Well, James 2.14-19 comes to mind, and also, we can rest, just as Mary did, at Christ’s feet. Yes, it’s true, you’ve got to scratch your head when brothers and sisters are lukewarm and their love has grown cold toward us. May I suggest a few ruminations. I have spent nearly 6 years entirely alone and miserably sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. However, through it all, Jesus said to us he wouldn’t leave us as orphans, nor leave us or forsake us. And you know what, I now am at a stage I couldn’t care less anymore what any person thinks. No more time wasting wondering why. No more explaining why’s, how’s whens, ifs, buts, what a waste of time. Also, Paul said, “not to throw our pearls before swine,” without sounding superior. Let’s just be a little wiser with our “talents.”
Now, God will provide, whether it’s healing, or comfort in our poor little spirits, or a little tune in our hearts, He hasn’t forgotten any of you. If there is no love inside of these people, well, more’s the pity. Let’s try not to dwell upon it too much. Keep your eyes on the One above. Also, remember what God says in Malachi 3.16: “Then those that revered the Lord spoke with one another. The LORD TOOK NOTE AND LISTENED, and a book of Remembrance was written before him of those who revered the Lord, and thought on his Name.” They shall be mine, says the Lord, my special possession on the day when I act, and I will spare them as parents spare their children who serve them.” Ain’t that grand?
May I also recommend Joyce Meyer’s book, “21 ways to Peace”. One of the best Christian books I’ve ever read. Follow God, come what may, ignore as best you can, the nay sayers, and God will do the rest. Perhaps it’s best to make an outright decision to not let those “others” to rain on your parade, ‘cos it’s raining anyway, because you are ill.
Shalmom to you all,
Adrienne.
Oops a daisy,
Meant to say “Shalom” to you all, not Shal Mom, could make a real joke out of that last comment.
Bless you all,
Adrienne.
Articles like this serve a great training purpose. When I read them, I see a wide spectrum of needs, desires, etc. As a pastor that tells me that there’s no one common way to help. It takes time to ask & determine the person/family’s need(s) & then respond or coordinate others’ responses.
Sometimes, as a pastor, articles like this make me feel overwhelmed. I already have sick visits, grief visits, newcomer contacts, elders/deacons to consult with, Bible stories & sermons to prepare, & need to check in w/ musicians weekly. As a pastor who’s lived w/ chronic pain, I’m sensitive to these kinds of needs, but my energy is also limited, as I’m still mortal. I long ago realized that I can’t meet everyone’s needs.
Did anyone here know that research shows that most pastors are lonely & depressed? Most also struggle w/ more health problems than ave folks, b/c of the stress of ministry. When a class of seminary students graduate, 30-40% of them will leave the ministry within 12 months.
Please put yourself in your pastor’s place, & ask how u’d respond to the above situations.
Randall, thank you for your honesty. Yes, I am a big fan of pastor/author Wayne Cordeiro and love his book Leading in Empty. It was the first book on Kindle where I hit the maximum amount of underlines allowed! LOL. I do know how tough it is, even if just a tiny piece of it a have a lot of respect for any pastor, especially those with chronic illness/pain themselves.
My mom is a deacon at the Presbyterian church and I presents there a few years ago for their retreat. I did find that people are eager to soak up more understanding and desire to most effectively reach out to others. We are all human and will make mistakes and only God can fill the hole people crave–not another person. However, these are great discussion tools, as is the Beyond Casseroles DVD in our store, to stir up conversation. I also think each of us has been gifted in different ways to be able to relate to someone in a certain situation. having the opportunity to share among leadership, can help us use our own circumstances and experiences in the best way possible when reaching out to someone.
for example, if one is a grandmother raising grandchildren she may be best suited to meet the needs of some of the women here.
thank you for sharing your heart and reminding us to pray for our pastors. It is my hope that articles like this DO SHOW just how hard it can be for a church to meet all the various needs of the chronically ill, so when we feel they get it wrong, we remember they are doing their best and there is no one simple answer for all.
Warmly, Lisa
Randall, I appreciate your candor. You’re right! Our training in reaching the world with the Gospel begins with our love for one another in the church. Learning how to love starts first at home with our own families. Will be praying for you in the coming days. I hope you can reach your congregation with the reality that Jesus intended it to be all of us ministering to one another. Thanks again.
Here is what I’d love to tell my pastor:
Just because you know another member with the same illness foes not mean that I can handle the same things that person can. We are all individuals even in illness.
For approx. 13 yrs. I attended a small country church faithfully. After becoming afflicted with chronic illness in 2003 I attended as regularly as I could until about 2 yrs ago when it became too difficult to go any longer.
I have gone a few times to evening service, but rarely.
Over these 2 yrs. the phone calls from church folks have been very rare. A few have helped me when I call and ask for help, and pastor has called a few times to see how I am.
I have asked the women if they would come to my home to hold their small bible study, but they never gave me an answer. I have expressed my willingness to serve the Lord in some way but nothing has ever come of it.
I use to help out with the kids, Summer Camps, and such. I read stories to them, and that is where my heart really is. But since the fellowship is long gone…..and I feel so useless I stay home and worship the Lord.
Pastor Erwin Lutzer at Moody Bible Church in Chicago, IL said it so very well in one of his Sunday morning sermons:
Gift of Service by Pastor Erwin Lutzer
“You have a role to play in the body, and you may say , ‘Well Pastor Lutzer, what about those that can’t serve because of disabilities, mental disabilities, physical disabilities,?’
I believe that they have a role in the body, and the role that they have in the body is that they give the rest of us an opportunity to serve, to learn what it is to be self-less, all the lessons that folks like that teach us, they may not have up front gifts, but that’s not Paul’s point at all, in fact he says that those gifts that are more necessary sometimes are hidden away so together we function as a body.”
Thank you Pastor Lutzer .
1 Corinthians 12:12 For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ.
Now that I can no longer physically go to church, I stay home and worship the Lord via streaming online services at Moody Church and Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa.
A few weeks ago Pastor Brian at CCCM said something that really touched me deeply. Ever have one of those moments when it feel like God is speaking directly to you through the pastor?
He said: “Can I really do anything for God’s kingdom unless I am doing it through love?
I can worship Him! Which is the greatest love I can show Him!”
When I am at home alone Sunday after Sunday, day after day, worshiping the Lord with CCCM or Moody Church, I feel the Holy Spirit move within me. I feel Jesus Christ right here with me in my living room. I take communion, I sing hymns, and pray, and feel content.
Randall, as Pastor Lutzer at Moody Church teaches his congregation, it is for the WHOLE body to serve one another, not just the pastor to be laden with the burden to serve, visit and care for the body of believers that need extra help.
If more pastors would teach their congregation to go out and be of help to those that need help then his own burden would be greatly lessened.
So many times I want to pick up the phone and call my pastor, who by the way is not only my pastor but a friend as I use to care for his mother before she passed on, and ask him for help for one reason or another, but I do not because of the fact that I know he is so busy with other needs, and is running to and fro. And there is no one else to call.
It is a difficult thing to be all alone with no family members in an area, in this late season of ones life, with a physical disability and need someone to help with such things as shopping, and dr appointments, or just getting to the post office, and feeling like nothing but a burden to ask for help.
No one from the church I attended for over 13 yrs even invites me for Thanksgiving or Christmas meal with their own family, when they know I am alone and have a difficult time preparing meals.
I keep my countenance up by staying close to Jesus. My hope and refuge is in Him. He will never leave me nor forsake.