Most of the articles you see online show what marriage is like from the perspective of an ill wife. Karlton Douglas, our devotional writer, would like to share with you what he believes has helped his marriage survive. I thought it was a nice change to have the perspective of an ill husband too. May it bless you, Lisa
“The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 1:23-24)
Marriage takes a lot of work. It requires compromise, not always getting your way, sacrifice, and putting the needs of others before yourself. A successful marriage is one built upon common beliefs, shared ethics and faith. Being truly in love, not the touchy-feely nonsense that is all emotion and no depth, but a deep, abiding affection that is of God is what is needed. For we would not truly know love if not for God teaching and showing us what true love is through Christ.
My wife and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. I do not claim to have all the answers to a good marriage, but I have some idea of what works and what doesn’t.
I asked God for help
I give God credit for our marriage lasting so long. I know the type of woman I would have chosen–they have all been divorced by now.
As dumb as I was at a young age, I was smart enough to ask God to help me find a wife. I have also been smart enough to ask His help and guidance throughout our marriage. You see, I came from a home that included four marriages and divorces, and the one thing I knew growing up is that I did not want a divorce–ever.
Our mutual faith in Christ
Those who are married and struggling with illnesses have added burdens and pressures put upon their marriages, and frankly, many marriages with one or both partners who are ill do not survive the added burdens. Our marriage has been stressed to the breaking point more than once by my afflictions. And it hasn’t been easy for either of us.
I know what made all the difference:
- our common Christian faith
- inviting God into our marriage
- depending upon Him to keep us together
- a true, lasting love
Those things could apply to anyone wanting a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
God is forgiving
I’m not the easiest person to get along with, and my wife, God bless her, she has her own unique personality traits. We have not made it so long because we are both stellar angels without any faults or weaknesses, but because we learned from a young age and throughout our marriage that God is good and gracious and His love and kindness is greater than our weaknesses and faults.
What if your marriage didn’t survive?
If your marriage has not survived your illness, I’m truly sorry. You are not in the minority, for even marriages without the added burden of illness often fail. Throw long term affliction into the midst of marriage and it will test your marriage beyond the breaking point.
Don’t blame yourself, don’t give in to guilt. I think if you can make it on your own you will save yourself many challenges and problems.
If you are not someone who can make it on your own you should truly seek God’s guidance and direction regarding someone to marry, that point probably cannot be stressed enough.
What if I want to marry again?
God can guide us to the correct person to live our lives with, but I fear that left to our own devices, without the ability to see into someone’s heart and mind, we will likely chose badly without God’s intervention. It is even more important to choose the right person when you struggle with a disability.
What if my spouse is abusive?
Another area that needs to be touched upon is mental and emotional abuse of those who are afflicted by their mate. It is not uncommon to see a “blame the victim” mentality in a spouse. I’m a guy with a strong will and that kind of response to me would last all of five seconds–I would not put up with it, and have never been put into that position.
But I fear that there are those suffering affliction who have the added burdens of mental and emotional abuse from their spouses, you don’t have to put up with that and you shouldn’t. Suffering a disability is hard enough without getting beaten down by others in addition to the daily burdens of living with affliction.
In conclusion. . .
I would wish for you to have a loving, supporting spouse in your time of need. If you are married, you will need the Lord the see you both through marriage with this added challenge of affliction. If you are unmarried and suffering affliction, do not be in a hurry to find someone and get married, because it will take a God-given mate to last through the long haul of your affliction, and it may take time to find that person.
A good mate is a gift from God. A long marriage is a testament to God’s goodness, mercy and grace, and our willingness to be guided by Him throughout our marriage. I pray God will guide you with this very important issue and all its complications.
Have you considered that it takes God to put a marriage together and keep it together? Have you considered asking God to help you regarding this very important issue of marriage?
Karlton Douglas lives in Ohio with his lovely wife. He is very grateful that God brought the right person into his life so many years ago.
What a great, honest & straight talking devotional, Karlton! Thank you! I would say “ditto” to your 4 dot points, as to why our marriage has, not only lasted 28 years, but grown in love & commitment. Without God, we wouldn’t have got through a couple of rough patches. I’d add 2 other dot points for our marriage: being quick to forgive & keeping up communication. Thanks for writing boldly Karlton. 🙂 Lotsoluv Kerryn
Thank you Karlton! Loved the verse that goes so well with the inspiration. We will have made it 36 years this summer and God has bound us together. I agree with Kerryn, I don’t think it could have happened without God getting us through the really tough times. =)
Karlton,
My sweet brother in Christ! Words cannot say how much this devotional meant to me! I have been touched by MANY of your devotionals, but this one outweighs them all!! (And to think, I almost deleted it because I got quite behind in my email this week and was trying to clear out my in box!!)
When I first started to read it, my first thought was “Oh, no, another devotional about how to keep your marriage together” and I wasn’t sure I wanted to read it because I am a recently divorced woman after 16 years in a difficult marriage. Reading stuff about marriage, especially from a Christian perspective, can often make me feel condemned and guilty. But your writing was so full of grace and love, I did not feel that way at all. I am SO thankful that you touched on the issue of verbal and emotional abuse that sometimes a chronically ill partner endures from their spouse, as this is a big part of what happened to me, and why my marriage did not survive. Ironically, my ex-husband is now suffering from several health issues, and God is teaching me to show him grace and understanding even though he didn’t always do so to me. Not an easy lesson, I can assure you!
I am also struggling with lonliness and wanting so badly to find a new husband and remarry, yet realizing that I am probably better off on my own unless God brings a mighty strong, godly man into my life. It would take a match made in no less than Heaven for a man to want to take care of me and my 2 children, one of whom has their own chronic health issues. So, thank you for your admonition to be patient and not be in a hurry to find someone. It is so hard to be patient sometimes and be content with where God has me right now.
Anyway, I just had to let you know how much your writing meant to me, and thank you from my heart for your honest, kind, and compassionate spirit.
In Christ,
Julie
Great testimony & not just another story how someone sort of picked themselves up by the bootstraps & slogged on through life’s difficulties…….
Karlton Very beautifully stated and thank you for sharing. Very touching . Bless you . Jan Anne