A new year. Another year.
On Sunday evenings I open up an electronic device to see what appointments I must gather the strength for during the upcoming week.
I once scheduled activities, paced myself for fun events. My calendar was always full. Full equaled a sense of worth. Empty spaces were meant to be filled or I felt guilty that I was squandering opportunities.
As I filled up 2 weeks of my pill holders recently, I realized this is now how I measure the passing of time. Sometimes I look at those empty spaces in my pill holder, Monday . . . Tuesday . . . Wednesday. . . .and it’s hard to comprehend that it has just been a week. There are weeks when so much life is thrown at me to juggle.
Other times, as I fill my pill holder, I just see the monotony of my days. As I count out those pills of every color and shape I wonder What did I do this week? Did I do anything that has purpose? Why did I procrastinate on those things I dislike so much, forcing myself to face them again this week?
Life is rarely stagnant.
My illness alone is constantly changing. Its symptoms zig and zag, attempting to stay a step ahead of my knowledge and endurance. A locked up knee, a flare, an infection, can quickly fill the calendar for 12 hours, 24 hours. Sometimes a week . . . or months.
My calendar now appears to have a lot of white spaces, but these are designated for those whatever-life-throws-at-me moments.
I started homeschooling my son in October. The homeschooling community calls us “Emergency Homeschoolers” because we did not plan on homeschooling. I didn’t prepare, pray about it, do research, or join those mommy-homeschooler groups. I found myself driving home from the school with my son, who is old enough to sit in the front seat with me. And I told him how many times I had witnessed God answer my prayers in ways I hadn’t expected. I shared how every time I wanted something big in my life, God consistently gave me something else.
And he said, “Well, mom! I guess we are homeschooling.”
Homeschooling is affirmation about my theory of don’t-tell-God-what-you-don’t-want-to-do–because He will immediately sign you up.
Ahem. It’s a challenge.
I could share a million thoughts about this unexpected journey God placed me on, but I won’t today. Let’s just say it is like God is taking all of my typical routine and what-I-know-for-sure-confidence and throwing it up in the wind to see where it falls. And He may even add in a tornado in my world to make sure I am fully dependent on Him.
The scripture Psalm 126:6 caught my attention the other day in a new way.
The King James Version says, “He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.”
The NIV leaves out the description of the seed–precious.
Oh! How vital that word precious is!
To be honest, I have moments of tears–I weepeth! I could have had more tears. . . in fact, it may have been a good idea, because I tend to stuff feelings down. I get too exhausted to deal with them. Who among us would choose to put ourselves in an emotional blender and push “ON”?
But yeah, my soul feels a bit bruised. It is well with my soul. . . God and I are on good terms. I am probably talking to Him now more than ever before. But it is a season of adjustment.
I am going forward in my days–sometimes weeping–and yet carrying precious seed.
My seed is in my son. My seed is in loved ones around me. My seed is in the homeless people I speak to about God and their disabilities.
My seed is in you–it is the reason I give so much of my time and my heart to Rest Ministries.
My seed is in God and my bold hope that He will work everything out the way He intends. He is already doing it.
And when I feel I am not doing enough, it is because I think of a dozen people a day I wish I had time or energy to send a card, make a call, return a text–plant a seed.
The John Gill Commentary explains that sowing seeds usually requires both art and skill. When it is done in the presence of tears, however, it is likely because people feel insufficient. The planter may weep as he sows for a variety of reasons, and He may have moments of doubt whether his seed-planting will yield a successful crop.
Consider your own life for a moment. . .
I will assume that like me, you have either shed tears, or you have come close to doing so. Maybe you are a “stuffer” like me because crying just isn’t convenient and will you all emotional and stuffed up and then you will have to deal with that. But when we look at this verse, we do have permission to cry. . .
Even while we are being obedient to God and hoping for a harvest–a harvest we may even have doubts about at times–we have permission to cry. None of us are perfect. If we feel like crying, it is likely because we have suffered disappointments, emotional heartaches, or physical pain.
So, sure, it’s easy to still have doubts that God is going to let our life go smoothly. I sometimes ask God, why would You not let me struggle over something else, when I know how much You love to use it?
And yet, don’t give up.
Don’t . . .
give . . .
up!
Why?
Because, “[he] shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him. .”
Even when we are doing what God wants us to do…
… even when we are wondering if we are really on the right path
… even when we question what God allows into our life
… even when we are bawling as we are being obedient and doing our best to carry that precious seed out to the field
… even when we are limping carrying that seed from the pain in our body, dropping the seed, forgetting where we put the seed, struggling to carry that seed, wondering how we are going to pay for the seed…
God has already promised us we won’t regret it.
We will one day come to a place in life when we are singing songs of joy. . . and we will need carts–maybe even semi trucks–to carry our blessings–without a doubt.
Did you catch that? He shall doubtless come again with rejoicing . . .
That is nearly a guarantee that we will see a glimpse of the way God has taken our efforts and multiplied them. We will see the miracles. We will see His hand on it all.
And we will rejoice so loudly, jumping up and down sharing about what God has done, people will look at each other with the is-she-for-real? look. We will be accused of being a Pollyanna. We will put exclamation marks all over our emails! We may even be asked to use our indoor voice. Or if you have a tween like I do, he will say “you are acting weird and freaking me out, mom.”
This verse is a promise I am clinging to right now.
Because that is what it is–a promise. I will one day look back at my past and–without a doubt–I will be singing songs of joy! And so will you.
This verse is an acknowledgement that (1) there will be tears; (2) we can keep doing God’s will even through those tears; (3) one day the tears will stop and we will see the results of all the days we turned to God and said, ‘Help me do this, Lord, because I cannot do it on my own.”
This theory pretty much goes against every business theory I have ever seen. I bet you cannot find a single business book that teaches how you can just cry your way through your performance and in the end your boss will give you a promotion and a raise. Donald Trump would be pointing his finger at me and saying, “You’re fired.”
It’s just not logical in our world. If this verse relied on what makes sense on earth, it could have been written this way:
“He who goes out to the fields, carrying the strongest, most expensive seed, that is genetically-guaranteed to multiply your crop, who carries a good attitude, years of experience and a college degree, a healthy and physically fit body, a Sowing Seeds For Dummies book, and plants the seed while listening to the audio book of How to Win Friends and Get Them to Work in Your Fields For Free, will return singing “I am the Champion” with trucks loaded with sheaves.”
But it doesn’t.
Is this verse about being productive and bearing fruit in our lives? Yes.
Does it say we must be successful, healthy, experienced, stiff-upper lipped, and living without pain (or wait for a cure that will stop the pain) in order to succeed?
No.
It’s okay to cry when you are doing God’s work.
Now, I know the Bible is full of scripture that tell us how we can have that joy without the tears, how we can choose hope, how not to live in a state of focusing on the past or the negative. And yes, that is the way we can strive to live. We should be gracious for the grace and the gifts God has given us.
But will there be times when we have to just keep moving ahead, one day at a time, when the joy doesn’t come? Can we continue to plant seeds in the lives of our children, grandchildren, friends, loved ones, strangers–even when we are desperately sad, confused, hurting, grieving losses, or just plain tired? Of course!
My friends, thank you for opening up your heart to my post today. Thank you for the prayers that many of you send up on my behalf. I don’t know what I would do without them–except to say I know I’d really be a mess without them!
May we all continue to go forth, even though we weepeth, planting precious seeds. We can eagerly await God’s blessing that will come through the bounty of the crop that we watered. . . sometimes with our tears.
Lisa Copen is just trying to keep up with what God throws her way. She finds joy through illness by face-plant faith–falling on her spiritual knees a lot asking God to give her endurance. Her new book Refresh Me, Lord: Prayers for those with Chronic Illness just came out and she is trying not to get too excited that she has proof of getting something accomplished because pride comes before a fall and she has enough trouble staying vertical already. But if you want to be inspired in your walk with Jesus, if you want to talk to him about all the challenges of illness but you just feel too tired to start a sentence, order her book for some prayer-starters at RefreshMeLord.com.
Thank you, Lisa for sharing this! What an encouragement this is to me today. God Bless you.
“Don’t-tell-God-what-you-don’t-want-to-do–because He will immediately sign you up.”
Oh, boy! Have I ever found this to be true in my own life. At first, each time, I’d be less than happy, but in due time, I’d always marvel at the amazing blessing He was leading me into and equipping me for. He’s so smart, and generous, and loving to me, my God! <3
🙂 glad I am not the only one! so glad it blessed you!
Wow. Thank you. God led you to write this article just for me
those are the best kind of days on the internet when God points us directly where we need to read. thanks for letting me know it touched you
Lisa, thank you for doing ministry and life through tears and suffering. You are gift! Every day I read the emailed devotional, a seed is planted and encouragement is offered!
“He may even add in a tornado in my world to make sure I am fully dependent on Him.”
I’m recovering from an 18 month long RA and Fibro flare-up. While I was homebound for a few months, I was fully dependent on God…for everything…literally everything…for simple tasks such as eating, toileting, showering. My family took care of all other ADLs. For today, I am stable. I have been stable for 5 weeks. Praise Jesus! I’m not back to my pre-flare-up self, but I have not spent a day in bed in over 5 weeks, am more independent, and working part time! HOWEVER, I find I’m depending less on Him because I have more physically independent and free. I think, “I’m back to doing life…by…myself!” This is a dangerous space of thinking for me to be in. I don’t want to pray for God’s will because I don’t want another tornado. I want calm for awhile. Nonetheless, regardless of my health or physical state, I am always fully dependent on Him…this I pray I never forget!
Ashley, oh yes, that is so hard. I have had seasons like that following surgeries and stuff when I had a bit more help and then it WAS scary to go back to not just taking care of myself but my family too. It always feel overwhelming. Praying for strength… and wisdom that you know when to rest, and graciousness from your loved ones.
How beautiful that God still gives us seeds to plant in the midst of trials, “tornados.” and weeping! Perhaps God makes the seeds that are well-watered with our tears even more fruitful. 🙂 Thank you for this inspiring, comfort-giving post, Lisa, and for all you do for us here at Rest Ministries. Praying you’ll be given further strength and wisdom here, and also in homeschooling your son!
“Homeschooling is affirmation about my theory of don’t-tell-God-what-you-don’t-want-to-do–because He will immediately sign you up.”
Hahaha…. that is so true! That’s how we started homeschooling over 5 years ago. Before that I knew I had medical issues… and I told myself… and God… that’s why I can’t do “this”. After I started I found out that I have Lupus as well, and then I was served divorce papers. Is that what we should call a major challenge?!?!
Thanks for the laugh today! Good luck to you! ~ Jen from GricefullyHomeschooling.com
Must admit – my favorite line in the whole piece today was “Her new book Refresh Me, Lord: Prayers for those with Chronic Illness just came out and she is trying not to get too excited that she has proof of getting something accomplished because pride comes before a fall and she has enough trouble staying vertical already.” 🙂
That said… we just moved… into the house we closed on days after I got out of the hospital in December for cellulitis in my left leg (five days of IV antibiotics, and missed the Christmas concert in the bargain). We started homeschooling this school year for the primary reason that our son and his special needs were too much for the public school to handle; he’s too smart for them to believe he has diagnoses that require adaptation. Thankfully we didn’t lose most of his curriculum stuff in the transition! We are using the ACE curriculum, and he’s learning more than he did in public school anyway, so it’s all good.
Courage, dear heart! You are definitely in my prayers, and of course in the prayers of just about everybody who follows Rest Ministries for very long!
LOL. made me smile. and oh, how I relate. special needs son plus his anxiety (check) cellulitis even this week! (check) started getting worse Friday, got antibiotics, postponed tomorrow’s infusion. Oh, how much we all need each other. So sorry for all you are going through and yet, so glad we are all in this together! (and THANK YOU for the prayers!)
Wow, what an inspirational devotional Lisa! It really lifted my spirit. God bless you for all you do. You are a special lady.
Such a great message to encourage me today! THANK YOU LISA! 🙂
Soooooo many sentences I could highlight amongst it. Which one did I relate to the most? Hmmm…. I can’t remember! Oh yes, that’s right….. the sentence with ” forgetting where we put the seed!!!” 😉 I related to virtually all of the others too! Those seeds sure are planted with much oomph & determination, love, prayers & tears. Only God knows fully what we all go through.
Praise God for your obedience in following the Lord’s path for you in setting up RM…. AND in homeschooling. Many sheathes are already being produced with great rejoicing. May you delight in seeing the fruit of your labours with your beloved son….. more than the hair pulled out in the process! Yes, I homeschooled for a while & experienced both. Keep smiling. You’re a blessing Lisa. Lotsoluv Kerryn ♥
Thank you, Lisa. This post was extremely timely for me. I needed it today. Thank you, thank you for sowing seed into Rest Ministries! It has encouraged me so many times!
Where do I begin, Lisa? You were surely in my brain when you wrote this one! I’ve been following Rest Ministries for a few months now, but this is the first time I’ve responded in writing. You see, I’m still working full time and rarely do I have energy to do more than skim read emails before I conk out for as long as possible. I’ve given notice at work (I’m a general surgeon in a small community hospital. Believe me, I get how disconnected clinicians can be from patients with chronic and invisible diagnoses!) so April 30 will be my last day.
And I haven’t one blue clue what God intends for me to do after that. I need an income since I’m single (by default, not by my choice) and have more student loan debt than I can bear to contemplate. I have peace that I’m doing the right thing by leaving the job; but there the assurance seems to end. I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and wondering how badly I’ll be broken once I step off the edge and land at the bottom. I want to be used by God: I want to be a serviceable vessel to deliver the soothing balm of Gilead to a cracked and broken world, but I need a pretty major Super Glue, Gorilla Tape, and Velcro makeover myself! It’s hard to fathom ever being water-tight again after such an epic patch-up.
So, thanks for reminding me that it’s okay to be my broken self and to sow in tears (or maybe only dream of sowing because, at the moment, I’m not even fit for service) without even knowing if a harvest will ever be ready to reap. And, yes, I completely understand the part about God tossing in an occasional twister for kicks and giggles……. and utterly broken reliance on Him alone.
P.S. I was homeschooled “emergently” from 6th through 10th grade and it was a wonderful experience. We started with ACE curriculum way back then, too. I don’t even want to tell you how many lifetimes ago that was!!
Lisa,
I just wanted to thank you so much for your devotional today called ‘Can we do ministry through tears and suffering?’ I usually do not have time to comment because I am so busy, which yet I am again today! I just had to respond because the Lord has me on a major journey. Chronic illness for over 20 years and recently since a car accident that happened almost 6 years ago I have seen so many doctors and hospitals about all I see is WHITE COATS. The Lord has been good and so faithful to me over all these years. I just wanted to tell you that I just received some bad news from numerous family members and all the problems are bad. I am under high stress at my job and am getting another procedure on my back tomorrow. During the reading of your devotional I just cried and cried. You definitely hit a nerve and you really encouraged me today. Sometimes I can’t see how in all this pain the Lord can use me, everyday is different and I can’t really commit to anything. Thank you for giving me those precious scriptures to hold on to…..they made me cry a lot because I think I needed to. You have touched my heart today I and thank you for reaching out to so many of us while you yourself are sick as well. May the Lord bless you abundantly as you serve Him and His children in this Ministry!
Margaret, I am sending up prayers for you right now, as you are likely in surgery or at the hospital. I wish I had answers why God allows some of us to suffer so much–and I know in the scheme of things–I suffer VERY little. But all suffering is personal and heavy when it is us who is doing it, isn’t it? I pray that God will surround you with all the practicalities of a peaceful stay and recovery, but most of all a sense of being surrounded by God Himself. I know you won’t read this for awhile, but thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and for giving us the privilege of praying for you. Many hugs.
Thank you Lisa. I sometimes wonder how many tears a person can cry before they have no more. I’ve found over the past 15 years one can cry every single morning of 5,475 days and still have plenty to fill some of those days. It’s amazing to see it in numbered days like that. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the only reason I can carry on. Just got word that my appointment with my new neurosurgeon will be 2 1/2 months from now. The surgeon who operated on my lower back and 4 levels of my neck in a 4 month period, fired me at 5 months post op. The reasons are non compliance and multiple no shows. Neither is true. My mom who is a nurse believes it is due to having fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and diabetes. Sometimes evidently doctors are overwhelmed. Wow. I won’t be too overwhelmed by the pain that wracks my body and challenges my mind for these 75 days, I have not had pain medication since May of 2014, it has been excruciating and I’ve only made it out of my home 2 times. If not for my Abba, I wouldn’t be typing this. I am grateful for everything He has given me. I have been greatly blessed. I don’t want to spend everyday waiting for night when my husband I can’t be a wife to comes home and spend our evening in separate rooms only seeing him when he pops his head in to ask if I need anything. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I’m tired of being tired. Why am I an option to everyone I make a priority? Please tell me where to start to find help out of this helplessness. There’s just so much of everything and so little of me..Thank you.
So good to hear from a fellow stuffer and type A go go go person who now has to learn to pace. I developed chronic fatigue syndrome and then trigeminal neuralgia and then fibromyalgia a couple of years after starting to homeschool my 5 children over 20 years ago. Thankfully, I had a wonderful husband who stayed home and took over the house while I sat on the couch and taught the children! Now, I am starting to homeschool 3 of my grandchildren who live with us. At 56, I still have to remind myself to look forward, to look to Him and not be discouraged and to not stuff it all in, because eventually, it will come out in an angry explosion of words or actions! Thank the LORD, I have Him to help me continually learn to lean more and more on Him or I’d not make it! God is good!