Overnight guests can be especially challenging to a chronically ill host. Karen shares and we’d love to hear your tips on setting boundaries.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4:8,9).
We have an extra room in our house with a guest bed. Sometimes this appears to family members as a big motel sign flashing “VACANCY.” They think that because this room exists, it’s an open invitation to stay at our house when they come to town.
For most people, having a guest is a small inconvenience. For me, it is a tremendous effort.
The extra cleaning requires energy I don’t have. I struggle physically just to keep up with the house cleaning on a regular basis.
The process of preparing for company is very stressful. For example, there is seeing that every room is presentable, shopping for easy-to-prepare meals, and having to hide all the junk that has no proper place of its own.
I want everything to be perfect when someone steps inside my home. Perfection is a dream not a reality.
While they are a guest at my “inn” there is the art of entertaining. When you have a chronic illness even having to sit and talk with people is exhausting. It’s the feeling that you always have to be “on” (appearing happy and feeling good) that can be tiring.
I definitely do not have the gift of hospitality. Every step of having house guests for me is physically difficult. If I had a flashing motel sign outside my house, I would have it flashing “NO VACANCY: No Room at the Inn” permanently.
We all have challenges to face and God gives us learning moments through them all. When things are difficult for us, there is usually something He wants us to learn from the situation. And as always, we can learn to put more of our trust in Him.
Prayer: Lord, help me to show others the love and patience that you have shown me. Help me to be hospitable to all those who enter my home. Help me to trust you with every difficult task. Amen.
About the author:
Karen Weber is from the MidWest and lives with her husband. She has been diagnosed with several autoimmune diseases for over 20 years. She has led a support group and has taught classes for the community on “Living Well with Chronic Illness.”
Do you ever find hosting guests to be physically difficult? Do you have any tips to help others with chronic illness deal with hosting in their homes?
This is Jars of Clay singing “Show You Love.” There are times when we can speak honestly with someone about our limits. It is always good to do your best to advocate for your health. But when we decided to just not say anything, we cannot resent the person for not understanding our limits. That is why I chose this song. We can so love showing others love and that is why we may choose to stretch ourselves and have guests–it’s hard, but we just don’t want to give it up yet. Hope this song bless you today. -Lisa
I have my daughter and her family coming this weekend. Two weeks of traveling as well. I can feel symptoms coming on even though I can’t wait for them to get here. My husband and I say to each other, “one day at a time.”
Good luck with your upcoming adventure! I pray the Lord will allow you to feel well and enjoy your time together!
My guests are always very aware of my limitations and I have accepted this. They have accepted that not everything will be perfect. The sink may not be shining clean, but it won’t be gross. They know when they come in that they have to deal with my issues. I am lucky to have friends and family like that. It takes the pressure off me greatly.
Sounds like you have very understanding family – that’s great!
This must be so hard, Karen. Do all these visitors realize your limitations? It must take a long time to recover each time. I know even, like you say, to sit and talk is exhausting. How much more to entertain overnight visitors! I know we are to love and be hospitable, but does God really want us to exhaust ourselves? Doesn’t God want us to set boundaries? Aren’t there other ways to show our love to others? This hospitality thing troubles me sometimes and makes me feel not enough, but I just feel like I need to reserve my energy first for loved ones around me. Praying for God to give you strength for each day, Karen!
Thank you so much for your kind comments Trudy!
Hi Trudy. I agree with you 100%. We definitely need our boundaries!
Fortunately, I have a very small condo so I don’t have room for visitors! Paige
I wanted to comment on a related issue if I may. The pressure to “always be on and happy” hit home. Even though I cannot host others right now due to small living quarters, I can relate to the feeling of acting happy and interested in others at social gatherings. Specifically, our small group. The last time I went I didn’t feel well most of the time and later I thought, we could just go home early next time or I can sit and just listen, or maybe I could go lay down in a spare bedroom for a while. None of those options sounded very appealing to me, but, we are supposed to be like a family to each other. I wish I could get to this point of being transparent. I’m afraid I’m still steeped in what others think of me or hurting their feelings, I don’t know. Any thoughts?
Paige
Paige, I will be in prayer for you about this. It is very hard to find the balance between Biblical transparency when we are struggling, false pride, and trying to maintain a positive attitude when we may feel down right “negative” physically. We are also encouraged to “share one anothers burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” If someone was at your house & didn’t feel quite well wouldn’t you want to know? And if he/she wanted to stay wouldn’t everyone want to accommodate him/her?
God has used my illness to break my perfectionism. My nickname was Martha, as in Stewart before I/C and pelvic neuralgia stopped me in my tracks. We live in a popular tourist town and also host missionaries when they come stateside from 1-14 days at a time. At first I tried to be “on” all the time, exhausting myself. It was when I became completely honest with my guests about my limitations that I was set free rom many things. They now expect no more than a clean bed and bathroom. As far as meals they know that they are on their own and they feel free to do things that they really want to do as far as entertainment. I try to keep the guest rooms clean, changing the linens after they leave then I only need to dust and vacuum when the next guest comes. As far as the rest of the house , they know it may be clean or cluttered. I guess its boils down to being open with them and accepting your limits. We must set boundaries for ourselves before we can set them for others. Thats the hard part, accepting who we have become. Praying for that Glorious day when Jesus comes!
Kathy
I like what you said about setting boundaries with yourself before you can set them with others. Very wise words! (I’m still working on it!)
I agree with Audrey and Kathy. Perfectionism is a thing of the past.
My husband is our church secretary. Currently we have a temporary minister, who does not live locally. It was necessary for him to stay overnight at our home recently. He had a clean, warm bed,etc. When he arrived I was already in bed, but not asleep. I got out of bed, put on a dressing gown, and joined my husband to talk to him for a while. In the morning, I wore my dressing gown while we had breakfast, as I do not have the energy to get dressed early. When the two men returned after their meeting, I was sound asleep, so my very competent husband heated up vegetable soup [which he had made] for the two of them. I had explained my health situation to our new/temp. minister, so he understands the issues in our household. I have also offered him a bed here any time he needs one. So he knows he has a place where he can crash if he needs to. I do not think he expected perfection, and he certainly didn’t get it. My Martha Stewart days are long gone! I dont even worry any more.
Blessings,
Helen in Oz
Good words Helen – It is nice that you were willing to serve God by offering that bed for him! I’m sure he was appreciative!
I agree with all of you! It really helps to know that there are others who are struggling with the same issues. I think it is acceptable to explain the situation to guests and ask that they strip the bed the morning they leave and any other little chores that help. I would be happy to do that for anyone I stayed with even if they weren’t ill!
If I don’t rest when I need to, then I hit the wall after a day or two and can’t do anything, so I think it is better to rest when needed and last longer. I also have to add days before and after an activity that is not part of my regular day so that I can rest before I go back to work.
i often feel with guests that if I talk about my limitations I am not being a positive person. Rather sometimes it means admitting “I am positive I can have guests but NOT clean and make beds. Sometimes I do lie on the sofa or a thick pad on the floor if I’m very weak so I can be part of the fellowship. A wise person once told me “Invite guests in and leave your pride at the door.”
Karen, I can so identify with all you say here.
I agree with those who said it’s best to be open with our guests and tell them up front what we need help with. Better for us because then we’re not pretending to be feeling better than we are, which takes a lot of extra energy. And better for them because they’ll likely feel more “at home”.
My son and his wife and two children will be coming here for a week in another two weeks The are missionaries in another country so we don’t see them in person very often. They are understanding and helpful. Of course they are family and we’ve had several opportunities to work things out.
Mind you, I still find it hard to ask for help with something “extra”.
I really think the Lord is working in me to help me to “let things go” because I’ve had extra medical appointments lately and more to come before they get here.
And I sure don’t want to be totally exhausted , if possible, before they even get here.
God bless us all with this challenge.