Should you make plans? Or then will there be consequences if you cannot follow through? Karen shares.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).
I have a fear of commitment. But it’s not what you think.
I have no fear of being committed to my husband but committing to planned activities such as weddings, graduations, family get-togethers, etc.
With chronic illness, one doesn’t know how they will feel in the next couple of hours let alone in the next couple of days or weeks.
Despite this truth, many events of this life require an RSVP.
With chronic illness, I live in the moment. I can plan all I want but that doesn’t mean anything if I don’t feel well when it’s time to leave for the event.
I’ve even had times where I got myself showered, dressed, and ready to go but that process was so tiring that I had no energy left to attend the event (this is so frustrating!)
I am so hesitant to commit because people don’t always understand when you have to cancel last minute. Not to mention the enormous amount of guilt I feel when I can’t make it.
We need to give our plans to the Lord and trust Him to work things out. You’re all familiar with “let go and let God”. This is a simple concept but very hard to live out. If there were a “secret” to make this part of living with health issues easier, I’d share.
There is a silver lining because God does work things out. He provides the strength we need to attend the event or the peace we need when we can’t. He cares about every appointment on our calendars and to-do lists!
Prayer: Dear Lord, help me to trust in you when I make a commitment to attend an event. Help me to know you will see me through no matter what happens. Amen.
About the author:
Karen Weber is from the MidWest and lives with her husband. She has been diagnosed with several autoimmune diseases for over 20 years. She has led a support group and has taught classes for the community on “Living Well with Chronic Illness”.
Do you struggle with committing to a party, get-together, or family event? How do you handle it when you have to cancel at the last minute?
This is Anthem Lights singing the song “The Unknown.” I can so relate to Karen’s devotional, as I am sure you can as well. It can be difficult to make plans when we aren’t sure if we can really follow through with them or not. This is a great song that speaks to that unknown part of life we, with chronic illness, deal with hourly!
The lyrics says how we are right at home in the unknown and we aren’t there alone. God has been there all along. What a reassuring thought. Hope this adds some perspective. The next time you go to make plans and aren’t sure if you should, remember, God already knows the outcome and is there. -Lisa
I know I have lost friends because it seemed I cancelled “one too many times.” It is humiliating, and it brings on guilt…I sometimes think, “if i really wanted to go, I would have gone anyway. Now my phone has stopped ringing. But in a way that’s a blessing. The people who care continue to call and get me out when I am able, and I trust God to bring me just who I need. And He does!
OH my goodness, can I relate to this. I’m in tears as I read this at my desk at work. I have little social life anymore because I just can’t commit to things, never knowing how bad the pain will be that day. I have things to do tonight/weekend/ and people to care for (elderly mother) and I’m in such pain today. How will I do what I need to do? I know God hears my cries, but as we all know, today is just “one of those days” that I find so hard to bear the physical pain. Would appreciate prayers!
I feel the exact way :
“I’ve even had times where I got myself showered, dressed, and ready to go but that process was so tiring that I had no energy left to attend the event (this is so frustrating!)”
It is embarrassing and frustrating. I was always a person you could count on, if I said I was going to do I did it. Now, my life is different, I have good intentions but my body does not always agree with me. I tell people this now so they won’t be surprised or irritated at me if I don’t make the event. God is my Strength and I have to rely on Him.
Good comments Sarah, God is our strength!
Oh boy, this really hit the spot with me. I’ve been living with this in some shape or form for over 40 years and it’s so hard for people outside my immediate family to understand this. Once we even drove halfway to church and I felt so ill we had to turn back, my dear husband dropped me at home, I went back to bed, and he went to church by himself – again!
I find I end up dropping the friends who don’t understand last minute cancellations, or they drop me. Sad but true. Online friends with health problems are a much safer “bet” 🙂
Blessings,
Helen in Oz
Helen – I’ve had that happen to me too! I am on my way to church and I know it’s too much. Most people would say “all you have to do is sit in a pew and listen, how hard could that be?” but sometimes that is even too much!
I can relate to the entire article and your response both. I live about 45 minutes from the Churh we attend so its very difficult to make it. I have many people nt of my faith ask why I dont just attend closer to home, they do not understand why I dont even when I explain. I have gotten to church with my husband and children only to have my husband drive me back home 30 minutes into being there. With a 45 mnute driv its not like he can leave the kids, drop me off and be right back to finish attending easily. If we leave early we all leave and miss the rest. People at church do not even understand, many do not even try to understand. I have been living with my chronic illness my entire life, diagnosed in 1993/94 and have had good/bad moments over the years with a steady worsening that began in 2006 and just keeps progressing. Some days Iam in a wheelchair, others a walker, and some I walk without one but people still dont grasp that i wont get better, that I dont have control of my health. I am treated like someone who only attends church rarely of my choosing, not health. My children are treated badly over it as well. I have lost many friends due to missing events. I had 1 friend, I thought a good understanding friend. When she developed chronic health issues her understanding attitude disappeared. I helped what I was able but when it was not able she became angry. She lived in a 2 story hme, the lower level had a steep, long stairway thatI couldnt manage. Stairs are not an option for me, she is aware of this but when I was unable to go clean her home for her due to my health she became angry with me, then her and her husband bought new furniture. They rearranged their home when they did, moving their family room from main level to lower level. The new furniture had several recliners with foot rests, I was told they picked the set they did for me so I could be comfortable when visiting. While I appreciated the thought it was not something that I could use, the new furniture was downstairs, where I could not go due to stairs. They overspent on the furniture, beyond their finances. When I refused to hurt myself to go downstairs I was yelled at, guilted(well tried it didnt work), told it was my fault they were in debt for the furniture they bought for me. I didnt ask them to buy it, they never asked my thoughts, just bought and later told me. They also bought a new vehicle, larger than they needed for their family of 4 children. Large enough to hold my family of 6 children so we could go do family things together. Again, over reaching their income, I was blamed. I was never asked about it. When it came up i told them while I appreciated the thought it was not my fault they bought furniture and a vehicle with the needs of my family in mind, I didnt ask them to. I eventually told them I would never purchase furniture or a vehicle for my family based on a friends family size, that I didnt understand their thinking. They wanted me to help pay for it all, I didnt, am not and will not. They were angry at the waste of seating purchased because I refused to be considerate and use it. Um when it means a stairway of over 25 steep steps when I cant even manage 5 without pain, then no I would not do it. At the time I had a 2 story home and didnt even use my own upstairs due to stairs.
We had many times where plans were made and I always told them, I will be there unless my health prevents it. I always watched the calander knowing certain areas of the month are harder than others and some impossible. if I had to cancel on my end the understanding frienddidnt stay understanding, even while herown health prevented her from doing things. We are no longer friends, it was hard, sometimes still is. There are children that hurt due to the friendship ending, Thats the hardest part. Iam constantly amazed at the lack of understanding from others. It has made it harder for me to reach out and friend others. I prefer to stay hme, to myself, with few friends. yes it can be lonely at times(often) but its less painful than loosing friends, or having others not understand and become hurtful over it.
I hope others can learn from this, those with health issues and those with family/friends with chronic health issues as well.
Ugh, I couldn’t believe this devotional. I truly thought I was the only one. I know that sounds silly but it’s true. I don’t know of anyone else that struggles with this. I finally resigned from everything at church because I just never know if or when I’ll be able to go. I’ve let it isolate me but I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve lived with a Chronic illness for 20 years. I felt God told me that I would live a quiet, simple life. It’s hard being around healthy people. I try to keep up but I tell myself it’s okay if I can’t keep up.
Karen, definitely a topic that hits close to home! I think the hardest thing for me is when I miss church. I miss that time of corporate fellowship with like believers. The time if singing etc. Though it’s not a ” commitment ” per say, it still causes me sadness to have to tell my husband I can’t go. I don’t commit alot to evening activities due to fatique and knowing that is usually my worst time; but I do try more for day time commitments; I find that is a more doable possibility, and I try to give warning it is conditional. Thank you for your encouragement to allow Jesus to help us when we need to make adjustments or when we need His strength
God bless. Di
Diane – I am the same way, I try not to make evening commitments but it seems like everything is held in the evening! 🙂 Thanks for your encouraging words!
I sure can relate to this too, Karen! Thanks for your encouraging sharing. 🙂
I’m at the point where basically I can’t attend anything so invites are few & far between! If I am invited to something special I say that my heart is jumping excitedly & there in a flash in full attendance, but my body will need to decide on the day & if it is like it is today then chances are minimal of my body being there! I think I’m sooo used to missing out that I don’t get as upset or frustrated now, though obviously family functions are the hardest to miss! God bless. Lotsoluv Kerryn
Kerryn – I think the hardest for me is the family functions too. You can’t get that time back. Accepting things as they are is part of the “chronic illness” package so I try not to get too upset over it.
Sarah, Kerryn, Karen, Helen and Diana.. And actually to all who respond to this post, I can not express fully enough in words how this topic runs through almost every thread of my life. I, too, was the first one up and out the door. I was the one who had the party, I was the one who volunteered happily to host the wedding shower, baby shower, surprise party, going away party , coming home party .. You name it, it was my house .. The fun seemed to always start here or end up here .. girl’s weekend with a house full of long held friends. I was diagnosed with RA at age 41 when my only child was 2 years old. I knew taking care of myself was critical in order to be a functional mom.. A mom who could participate on some level in the things that moms like too do with and for their kids and the things that a kid really enjoys a mo doing – wiggle all with akll the boys in the neighborhood in my back yard. But I could see that every 2 years I reached a downward hallmark that catapulted me into a change in lifestyle and change in work status. The pain of RA is present on one way or another… But the fatigue was the killer. My ability to be the hostess trickled away each year. My record of being the first one at the party and the last one to leave was eroded away by the ever increasing fatigue. And as time moved on the interactions with friends and family became strained- no one wanted to see me as the person who needed help. I was the leader not the follower. Even Gil today when I attempt to discuss my struggles, so many people are uncomfortable acknowledging it. They think by not acknowledging it the “old” Gina is going to come back again. I try to tell them ” the old Gina is dead. She was killed by a disease called RA.. AND there is no returning from the dead.” I try day engagements. They work out better. I tell people ” unless this event is within 2 miles of my house at any time after 6pm there is a great risk that I will be unable to attend- even though the old Gina so wants to be brought back from the dead. I know what you say, ” you only have to sit in a pew??!” Dear Lord, there are times when I also can’t go where I have promised because getting ready to go there was too exhausting. I have missed funerals, my sin’s baseball games, time on the beach while on vacation because the mere thought of getting ready to go to the beach is enough to put that activity to a grinding halt. I so rRely went on the peaceful lovely porch at the beach because I could never get comfortable their.. But my dear nephew bought me a portable cot .. And for the first time in 6 years I spend the afternoon on the porch on the cot. Up til then, bed was the only comfortable place to park myself. When I think about disappointment because I am too fatigued to make a commitment.. I think that I may have disappointed the host or hostess.. But when I hang up the phone, that party goes on. And the disappointment of missing out on the affair lives on in me much longer than the momentary disappointment of not showing does in them. They may miss me .. But there are plenty of other people at that party for their socialization . But for me it is me missing every conversation, every practical joke, every moment of the ridiculous singing that we would do ( as if we could really sing) . You become isolated by default, you become unreliable because of a disease that is incredibly ” unreliable” itself. It takes you so much time and energy to do daily activities that most people take for granted. And with each episode that ends up ” incomplete “, you wrestle with the sharp contrast of what you have become as compared to the person your peers are today and the length spot that is missing in the gang that used to be me. I pray every day for more clarity to recognize opportunities to socialize that will not end in an ” incomplete pass.. And for greater ability to to accept what I cannot change — and for insight into creating activities that will gather my peers but won’t tax me so much that I am a wet rag by the time of arrival . Disappointing yourself may be the hardest disappointment of all. Dear Lord, I reach out to you with the serenity prayer — and ask that my peers also have the wisdom to ” know the difference” and accept that it is RA who is the party crasher — the uninvited guest .
I echo everything that’s been said. I have ME (CFS). I struggle most Sunday mornings,wanting to go to church, but even the thought about the effort to get ready puts me off. After breakfast this morning, I washed the dishes and then on the way to the bathroom, needed to lie down for a while to get the energy to get ready. I did make it to church; it was lovely to be amongst friends and worship together. But it was hard to cope with – the elevated noise levels, fatigue etc. But when I feel I cannot go, I feel a sense of guilt – ‘could I have made more effort?’ But I am beginning to discern that it’s ok either way – God is with me always regardless! I am learning to ‘hear’ my body: if I am so fatigued and achy that I am weepy, I know I need to stay home. And for many years I’ve taken a very elderly friend to GP’s appointments and shopping one morning a week. Thankfully she understands that sometimes I cannot do it at all, sometimes I can , and sometimes a shorter trip is all I can manage. But I am the one supposed to be helping her! It is this change of role, from carer to needing help. I am not as badly affected as some, but it has totally changed what I can and cannot do, and I am still in an adjustment phase. But ultimately I know the Lord understands where I’m at and He meets me there. I try to be thankful and grateful for what I can do, not what I can’t. Easier said than done!
Thanks Gina for sharing your heart. We can understand your feelings. It’s so good to know we are not alone!!
I just don’t go anywhere much at all. I live alone, If I have to RSVP I decline the invitation. I can’t know from one day to the next how I am going to feel or what by ability will be. I do the essentials and that is all. Sometimes if I feel up to it after shopping with my carer, we may stop for lunch before coming home. That is about all I can manage. I can’t sit for extended periods,
I seldom have visitors apart from the care ladies from the agency, one takes me shopping and the other cleans for me.
I have accepted this is my life now, and I just hope my life will not be a long one.