The words spoken to one who is ill can hold such power, not always good, even when the intent to hurt is absent. Karen shares of a recent experience.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).
Have you ever had someone say something to you that just made your heart fall?
At a family get together, I had someone ask me how I was doing physically. I told them in an upbeat voice “I have good days and bad days.” This is one of my standard answers. I like to stay positive and not give someone a laundry list of my physical ailments.
Their reply was “Well, you sure don’t look sick. You look good.”
My heart fell just a little. The tone in their voice implied that I was making it all up. They implied that I couldn’t possibly be sick because it didn’t show to them.
Later that day, I had someone tell me I should try exercising. You could hear the confidence in their voice that it was the cure to all my physical problems.
I just smiled and nodded my head. Sometimes that is what you do when you choose not to completely lose it and tell them what they can do with their “advice.”
There will always be people that will say things that hurt us. I seriously doubt they even know they are being unkind. After all, it would take a truly mean person to purposefully be bent on hurting another.
I try to cut people some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt. In their own way, they are actually trying to help. Some might even feel terrible if they knew they hurt your feelings.
I would venture to say that when someone tells me that I don’t look sick, they are trying to give a compliment.
God instructs us to forgive others. It doesn’t take away the hurt. It doesn’t mean what they say is right. It just means we forgive them and move on.
Prayer: Lord, help me not to get angry when I am hurt by someone else’s words. Help me to be like You by being slow to anger and abounding in love. Amen.
About the author:
Karen Weber has dealt with several autoimmune diseases for over 20 years. She has a passion for encouraging others with the hope of God through the path of illness. She has led a support group and has taught classes for the community on “Living Well with Chronic Illness”.
How do you respond when someone hurts your feelings? Do you receive “advice” from well- meaning friends regarding your illness?
My mom said to me the other day, “I have friends with Fibromyalgia and they’re not as sick as you are.”
I look at this kind of thing as just one more symptom of my illness. One thing chronic illness has reinforced in me is not to get my self worth from people, who mean well, but know little, but instead to get my worth from Jesus and what the Word says about who I am and what my destiny is.
People are terrified of suffering. If they can somehow blame you for being ill, then they can feel what you’re going through will never happen to them. It’s not a conscious thing, or malicious. It’s just a distancing strategy.
One great advantage to my illness has been a serious reduction in indulging the delusion of self sufficiency. I run pretty much entirely on Holy Spirit power. Without that I wouldn’t be able to persevere. Thankfully God shows up every day to help me out.
Kate – I had not thought of a “distancing strategy” before. I think that is a very good observation. Excellent words, thank you for commenting!
Its so hard when Christians quote me the scripture, “By His stripe we are healed…” they go to great length to tell me how what I say will either make me well or sick(er). My sin condition is healed 100% by the blood of Jesus. He still can and does miracles, but why do I still have “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” Fibromyalgia, and migraines most daily? After 30yrs of begging, praying, pleading, BELIEVING, CLAIMING Scripture. Why can’t healthy Christians recognize that sometimes God’s answer to my prayers is not for the disease to go away, but that life is still possible and my purpose is made clearer to me in my broken condition.
Karen, you bring up a scenario that many – probably most -of us deal with all the time. It is the nature, so to speak, of an illness or condition that is invisible.
I thought it was interesting that you expressed that the “hurt’ came from their words. I am not denying that is how you feel as tones of a voice can play into how words are received. Some people can be insensitive. Others simply do not understand so they are stumbling out their best efforts. Advice – as if we had not heard what they share a hundred times. “Oh, you look so good” and that implies from my friends that they think I am feeling better.
What “hurts” to me (and I don’t even let it hurt anymore) is that they don’t understand and in not understanding, they cannot verbally support with a word of encouragement. They “think” they are encouraging or being helpful.
We can stand there feeling more “alone” than ever. But God knows. And as Kate shared in her comment, He is the one who matters most and any hurt can be taken to him and his grace given to those who do not understand.
On the other hand, look how God can radiate out to others as they see us “looking fine” and we can take that to mean that His strength is sustaining us and it shows.
Thanks for sharing!
Love,
Lynn
thank you Lynn for these great words!
I guess I’m not offended by what people say because I am one of those people who just doesn’t know what to say. But I know on really tough pain filled days, it’s more annoying than usual. I really do mean well when I suggest things, but I also preface it as “this is what I did and it helped some.” And I only do this when I know the person is looking for answers. I’m learning since I’m going through pain now. But I understand when others don’t know what to say so they say stupid things. My favorite statement from people is “but you’re SO young, how can you have all these issues?” Really? As if I didn’t ask that question of myself every day (I’m 31). I always make a joke and then roll my eyes.
Val – if I only had $1 for every time I said something wrong or stupid!! I’d be rich! Thank you for your good words!
This just happened to me this week and I felt rejected and alone. It was from someone who for the most part has been supportive. I am questioning whether that person is healthy for me to be around anymore.
Paige – I pray you’ll have wisdom to know whether to keep this person in your life or not. Only you can know what is right for you.
Thank you I appreciate your prayers. Your response meant a lot to me. God Bless.
alicejoy Lowder – oh – I hear you loud and clear.
If the well meaning Scripture “spouting” folks ( sorry but that is how it seems) knew how much we cling to Scripture and even harder to the WORD Himself, how nice that would be.
It takes more faith to embrace the One helping us through our thorns of challenges and do deeper with Him and what He wants us to learn and be.
I know people mean well but they are WELL. One of my all time “helps” from a friend was her response early on in my own battles when I had been referred to a new specialist who felt he could help me with a medication – not a cure – but help in managing. To which this friend said, “You don’t need and doctor or medication, you just need to get alone with Jesus.” Yep! 🙂 We probably could all compile a book of what NOT to say when giving spiritual advice.
Hugs –
Lynn
Karen, such a pertinent message & one that every chronically ill person has had to contend with at some stage!
Sad part is that I had LOTS of “wonderful advice” for my middle son when he first became chronically ill!! Little did I know how much it must have hurt him…… until I became ill with the same illness a few years later!! I’ve apologized to him a few times about how much I must have hurt him with my words & lack of understanding. I believe now that no-one can truly understand until they’ve walked in the same shoes & I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy!! I have a lot more grace now…. mostly for “wonderful advice” that’s given to me, but I have been known to stand my ground & have a very firm response too!! May God help us all as we navigate life. God bless. Lotsoluv Kerryn