You felt awful the entire day but you decided to get in the car and go to the support group anyway. You thought it would be good for you. It took forever to find the building at the hospital and then you ended up parking what seemed like a mile from the suite number. You found a chair that smelled like old sweat and smoke and hoped somehow you would find some encouragement.

But an hour later you’re ready to make dash for the door. Everyone seems to be so depressed! And too many people want to either sell you a juicer that is sure to cure your problems, or tell you about every surgery they’ve had since 1977.

Aren’t support groups supposed to be a valuable coping tool?

Yes, they are! Studies done on support groups by David Spiegel, MD, have found that support groups do improve the quality of life for their attendees. Recently studies have concluded, however, that the lifespan of a patient with cancer may not increase because of a support group environment (CANCER, Sept 2007). However, we cannot deny the fact that the validation of one’s feelings about their illness definitely makes a difference in how they cope with chronic illness.

You may attend a support group, or perhaps even lead one, but regardless of how long you have (or have not) participated in one, it’s likely that you’ve seen the slippery slope of how quickly people can go from sharing honest, vulnerable feelings to a session of complaints and even quarreling. Looking for fresh and fun icebreaker games for small groups to perk things up?

Here are 10 ideas to help create some humor and joy in your support group. You can evade some of those bitter moments that can so easily come out in conversation about illness. Some simple planning can make you feel enthused about your next get together. These ideas will work for any groups, from a Rhode Island support group for CFS to a diabetes support group for those in Marion County, Florida. And they a great tool to have when you are creating a proposal for starting up a support group.

1. Before your meeting, cut out some smiley faces and sad faces and glue them on each side of a stick or a plastic knife. When everyone goes around the room to share about their experiences or emotions of the week, ask people to make sure they are able to hold up both “faces’. For example, Beth may say, “I’m not looking forward to my joint replacement surgery and all the rehab afterwards” while holding up the sad side of the stick. And then she flips it to think of something positive to say “I feel blessed though, that the insurance is covering a lot of the expenses and my friends have volunteered to help take care of my children.”

2. Redefine your conception of what counts as indoor games for small groups. For example, start a JOY box and ask everyone to bring an item for it that someone else can take home with them. Have each person choose an item at the end of the meeting. It could be a silly toy, a cartoon, a rubber fish, or great book, a poem, a note someone sent that encouraged you, or even a funny DVD. Ask everyone to return them at the next meeting and exchange it for another item. Refresh the box up now and then.

3. Here’s a unique icebreaker for small groups. Make a silly theme song that you use to start the meeting. You can pick a song and make up new lyrics too. Check out comedian Anita Renfroe for some good ideas about how to make a song your own at her web site.

4. Bring some corny things to use during your meetings. Avoid making anyone feel pressured to use them. (If you force someone to wear a clown nose she may never come back) Have them available, however, and encourage goofiness before getting down to the real reasons you are there. Oriental Trading supply is the source of thousands of funny items guaranteed to spur a giggle.

5. Don’t allow the group to turn into a platform for any one member who talks incessantly about her illness, the treatment, the alternative treatments or even her complaints. If you have someone dominating the conversation, tell the group you are implementing a timer and set your own guidelines. (For example, can people vent for 60 seconds about anything they want? Can they share about an alternative treatment they want the group to try? Give them a time limit.)

6. Ask everyone to bring an encouraging item to include in a gift basket for someone in need who is either unable to attend the group or not even a member. Put your heads together about what kinds of items to include. You can find over five-hundred simple ideas in the book “Beyond Casseroles.” Remember personal notes mean a lot, even from people you don’t know, so ask people to write a sentence or two to include with the item.

7. Have a fun night out. You can act your age and go to a nice sit-down restaurant or head over to Chuck E. Cheese for some pin ball. It can definitely be a successful icebreaker for small groups because people who haven’t opened up much in the group may feel relieved to have this environment to get to know others.

8. Hand out articles and other resources that encourage people to thrive despite their illness. You can find fun items through the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week website like “My illness is invisible but my hope shines through.”

9. Invite guest speakers who you trust will speak positively. Inform your speakers that they can “tell it like it is” but that you always want people to leave the meeting feeling energized; not depressed. Let them know they can use props, tell a joke, or do whatever it takes to keep people paying attention.

10. Focus on things that your group can actually do that will change things, since they may feel so unable to control their illness. If you can’t physically participate in the local walk for charity, could you work at a table handing out snacks or doing registration? Find events your group can participate in to feel like they are doing more than just complaining about their predicament. Take advantage of the energy that teens with chronic illness often have to motivate support groups to get involved in outside projects.

Illness can be one of the most isolating experiences people have, and support groups provide a sense of belonging in the midst of this. The levels of relationship that form in the group, however, are significantly influenced by how uplifting the leader makes the group environment. None of us want to leave a meeting feeling worse than when we came, but rather refreshed and motivated to live the best life possible. With just a few changes, your support group can go from being a simple meeting, to becoming a lifeline for those involved.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. You can find more ideas for icebreakers for small groups with your free download of 200 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend from “Beyond Casseroles” by Lisa Copen.

This international Christian ministry has an updated list of churches around the USA who have shared their desire to create an environment that welcomes those who may be “differently-abled.”

To enter your zipcode into the search engine click here.

You may also want to visit our HopeKeepers map to see if there is a church near you who has a HopeKeepers group that serves the chronically ill.

One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

In coming months I will be sharing more of your testimonies about your involvement in small groups, the Sunroom, on Facebook, daily devotionals–wherever Rest Ministries has touched your life. Print, audio, or videos are all welcome if you’re interested in sharing. Lisa

From a woman we will call Samantha, who has been a part of a HopeKeepers in Southern California that has met for over 10 years.

I was a young Christian woman, just starting my career, newly in love, and full of hopes for the future.

Then, one day, chronic pain entered my life and set up a long-term stay. Now, over 20 years later, I live in constant severe pain.

Do I have many moments of questioning, tears and frustration? If I said I didn’t, I’d be giving false testimony, and worse, making it harder for someone who is reading this to believe that there is such a thing as solid hope even when one is living through intense suffering.

No, I haven’t found an answer, medically, for my chronic pain, but I found these things, which are so valuable. . . a God who suffers alongside me and does not turn His back on me, a group called–of all things–HopeKeepers (R).

The group has co-suffering servant-hearted leaders who are incredibly accepting and inspire me to spiritual maturity, brave fellow seekers and believers who listen and care and pray and allow me–in my brokenness–to listen to, care, and pray for them in return.

I am now still a young Christian woman, still growing in love with the same devoted man, striving to understand the riches of God’s Word, still leaning hard into my Savior.

What have I learned through HopeKeepers? Simple–No one gets through life without pain. The blessed ones are not those who live without heartache, obstacles and pain, but the ones who, in pain, in struggle, have love, hope and support in their very soul because of the giver of hope.

I invite others with whom I cross paths who are suffering to join us in community as we endeavor to keep our hope, right where it needs to be–in Christ.

Are you interested in starting a HopeKeepers group?

HopeKeepers is the small group program of Rest Ministries that meets in churches and communities around the world. Rest Ministries provides help in starting your group, materials and resources, tools such as training DVD to help increase awareness of (mostly invisible) illness in your church, and opportunities for networking with other leaders.

To find out more visit the “Start a Group” section of our web site.

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I thought about it for a moment and replied, “Well, if it was me, I would think, ‘Gee, I must have been looking really terrible!’ As much as I intellectually know it is a compliment, it would not make me feel good, but rather worse about myself.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” said another woman. “Because it is still a comment on our outward appearance.”

Scripture tells us, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

When we receive comments on our physical appearance is easy to interpret these in two ways:

1. You don’t how poorly my body feels underneath all this skin! I may look great, but I feel awful. You aren’t “seeing” the real me.

2. You don’t know what is going on with my emotional or spiritual state right now (either of which could be having a high or low moment.) I’m glad I don’t look terrible, but there is so much mre to me than just my appearance.

Why Should We Be So Careful to What We Say to Those with Illness?

We are to attempt to be more Christlike in our actions and Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:16, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

I have known the pastor who asked this question for over 30 years, Never in any way would he want to hurt someone or take the chance that his words could be misunderstood. He actively lives compassion every day.

So this is one of those opportunities that I want to point out that there is room for education and information out there in our churches for even the most spiritually mature to better understand how their words can impact those who live chronic illness.

So often we want to say what we want to say, and we want to figure out an explanation for why we should get to say it. But instead, we must consider what the person most needs to hear–not what we want to say.

Job asks in Job 6:26, “Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat the words of a despairing man as wind?” Even those who are men of God has Job was feel like when they are despairing, the words of friends need to be carefully communicated.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Wow. We may realize that our bones may not literally be healed just by kind words, but if you have experienced someone saying “the right thing” at the right moment, you know how much lighter you feel, your spirit renewed, simply by words.

If we are truly trying to reach out and comfort those with chronic illness, especially those who do not yet know Jesus, then we must come to them with the very gentlest and most sincere words that they are receptive to hear.

What are some of your favorite things to hear?

When someone tells you that you look good what does your inner self feel?

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and some days no one would tell her, “you look so good.” I think when you try to look good it’s nice when someone notices the effort. When you look horrible and you know it, it feels more condescending–even if people have the best of intentions.

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1. Have a sense of humor about my illness if I do.
I know you’re trained to search for if I’m in denial, but sometimes a good laugh about a situation or health challenge is my way of coping so feel free to laugh with me.

2. I will likely tell you I go to church more often than I do.
You’re a chaplain, so I have to sound somewhat disciplined if I am a spiritual person, right? (Never mind that lying to you isn’t exactly “spiritual.”) Honestly, as much as I may want to go, I get there a lot less. If you have any way to get my church to put the service online or on a free CD I will listen to it.

3. Skip the platitudes.
You probably already know that but it’s easy for anyone to slip into saying things like “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” As you can imagine, I get enough of that from friends and family already. Feel free to “be real” with me and I’ll be a lot more receptive to what you have to say.

4. Find some new material.
I’ve heard all those verses about faith and healing and hanging in there. If you want to give me scriptures, dig up some I probably haven’t heard of before. And try a new Bible version like The Message to keep my attention.

5. Comfort my family.
A lot of time I am handling my illness pretty well, but my parents/kids/spouse aren’t and they don’t have anyone to talk to. They want to talk to me about my illness and I just can’t talk about it over and over. It’s draining both physically and emotionally. Can you offer them some comfort or even just listen?

6. Don’t just pray for healing.

7. Tell me something about yourself.
I know, I know you have to draw the line between personal and professional. But I’ve been poked, rolled and told to sit up or lay down so many times I feel like “the patient” twenty-four hours a day. I’d love to just hear about your day or your family. Where do you like to go on vacation? Treat me as a human being and not one more bed and it will help me more than you know.

If you lead a support group or are considering it, don’t miss Lisa Copen’s new book, How to Start a Chronic Illness Small Group Ministry at StartASmallGroup.com for your ministry needs. Over 300 pages with step-by-step instructions on how to write a vision statement, promotion and attendance and much more!

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