By Lisa Copen

Have you seen the T.V. show, “What Would You Do? With John Quinones“? In it, they have actors set up a situation and then wait to see if anyone gets involved. Do people stand up for the “underdog”? Will adults buy teens beer? Will people stop a drunk parent from driving? Results are very interesting.

Below are some scenarios to help church leaders think, “What would our church do?” We always hope that we will do the right thing. We believe our church will make the best choices for all involved. But sometimes the lines get buried. Phone calls don’t get returned because no one has an answer for the hurting person.

Too often I hear from people who have called their church with stories like the ones below and the receptionist offers the quick response of, “Well, we don’t really have any programs for that, but our services are at 8 and 10:30.” And just because someone is a pastor, a chaplain, or a deacon, doesn’t mean that they always are able to express things exactly how they would like. Our church leadership and all members of pastoral care can benefit greatly from discussing these situations and asking, “What would we do?”

So. . .what would your church do? The last thing you want you want is for someone to hang up the phone when calling your church and think like Job did, “I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:2)

When the apostle Paul wrote the Corinthians he said,

^“For when we came into Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever. (2 Corinthians 7:5-7)

He speaks of conflicts and fears, but also comfort, longing, and concern. When we know someone is concerned for us, it can produce comfort and even joy.

Below are 7 scenarios that you can print out and use in your church to see how people in leadership would respond. Read the situations and discuss them. Have people ask questions or step into the shoes of the person who the scenario is about and probe deeper. By going over some of this together with other people in church leadership, when similar situations actually arise you will be given the gift of having discussed this in advance and having an idea of how to answer.

Scenario #1 – Nancy, 64, single

Nancy has attended your church’s denomination in Virginia for 10 years, but stopped going two years ago when her degenerative disc disease caused her to be unable to sit for more than 15 minutes. She moved to this community last month and has called the church to see if there are any ways she can get involved. She would like to make some new women friends and fellowship. She moved here because her son and his family live nearby, but her son works and travels a lot. Nancy’s daughter-in-law doesn’t seem to understand the pain she in on a daily basis, or the fact that she can’t drive to her home and babysit for her for hours.

Nancy is feeling saddened, but also hopeful that she can connect with someone at the church. What do you tell her?

Scenario #2 – Jeff, 39, married

Last week you ran into Jeff. He was looking at a cycling magazine in a waiting room and you commented on your similar interests. He confided that he doesn’t cycle any longer since he was diagnosed with severe chronic fatigue syndrome last year. And then he opened up to you that he is a bit lost. He can barely work, his wife is growing frustrated and distant, and he is unable to coach his nine-year-old son’s baseball team any longer. He wonders if the pain doesn’t stop. . . if maybe his family would be “better off without him.” He jokingly said “There are ways I can make it look like a bicycle accident so my family is taken care of.”

You asked him about his faith and he said he used to believe in God when he was a child, but if there is a God–he’s not interested in Him because no God of love would allow such suffering. How do you respond?

Scenario #3 – Sarah, 26, married

Sarah and her spouse have attended your church for five years. She has dealt with infertility issues, but has still volunteered at Vacation Bible School and Sunday School. Now she has recently been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and can barely get out of bed in the morning, plus she has discovered that she is two months pregnant. Last week, she saw her neighbor, who currently has cancer and also goes to your church, have people stop over with meals, flowers, etc. She’s happy her neighbor has the help, but she also feels alone and overwhelmed.

When she confided in a woman at Bible study about the stress she was feeling she was told, “God will just take care of it!” But Sarah is scared that her medications may cause birth defects. Her husband is scared too, and blocking her out. He is working extra hours, wondering how he will provide for her and the baby and the additional care they both may need. This is more responsibility than he thinks he can handle.

Sarah is starting to wonder why God has allowed her to feel so physically awful during what should be a joyful time. And what does she even pray for? How do you respond to Sarah?

Scenario #4 – Joe and his wife, 49, married

Joe’s wife called the church. She is 49 and Joe has just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He also has diabetes and she has congestive heart disease. Joe refuses to talk to anyone about it, including her. But he is doubting whether to even seek treatment. She is scared for his life and if he may actually take his life. She is scared for her life as well. And all the stress is not good for her heart.

They attend your church about once a month, but it is even harder to get there now. She needs prayer. She wonders where God is in all of this. She needs help with some basics, like getting Christmas lights down (it’s April!). And she wonders if there any man he may be able to talk to Joe? What do you tell her?

Scenario #5 – Laura, 39, single mom of a teenager

Laura has heard that your church has a great teen program and although she goes to another church, she is feeling invisible there. She is a single mom and her daughter, Jessica, is 19 years old and survived a brain tumor last year. Jessica lived with Laura’s mother, (her grandmother) who served as her daily caregiver, so that Laura could keep her job and her health insurance to best care for her daughter.

Now Jessica lives with her mom and in your community, and is homeschooled. But she needs friends who will understand that she had some delays with cognitive abilities and is self-conscious of some of the things that are challenging for her. What do you suggest? How do you prepare and introduce the youth group to Jessica?

Scenario #6 – Ellen, 58, diabetes and caregiver

Ellen is new in town, but she has always been part of your denomination. She is a grandmother to Shane, who is 13, and severely autistic. Shane’s dad (Ellen’s son) and Shane live with Ellen, but Shane’s dad travels a lot for work and Ellen’s former support system for fellowship and respite help is gone with their relocation.

Ellen hates asking for help, but she’s eager to just go to a women’s Bible study or talk to other caregivers. She is quickly growing exhausted caring for Shane and is becoming resentful — to Shane, to his dad (her son) — and to God. It’s no one’s fault. Shane lost his mother to cancer when he was two years old so Ellen stepped in to help raise him. But she’s been diabetic for 10 years now and the doctor visits are never ending between her and Shane. Trying to control Shane at her own doctor’s appointments is a disaster and yet there aren’t any babysitters she trusts, since Shane has some special needs.

Where is God and why has he allowed so many burdens to hit their family? How would you encourage this woman and offer her practical help through your church?

Scenario #7 – Rebecca, 22, lives with boyfriend

Rebecca lives in your community and you have seen her a few times at church, but it has been six months or so since her last visit. She lives with her boyfriend and you have never met him. Last week you drove a friend to the emergency room, and Rebecca was there in the waiting room, quite beaten up.

You went over to her and sat down to try to offer some comfort. At first she said she had been mugged, but as you began to pray for her, she told you to stop. Through tears, she confessed that her boyfriend Mark had beaten her up pretty badly. She has had fibromyalgia for two years. Some days are okay, but other days she can barely get out of bed. Mark told her she was a hypochondriac and making it up for attention.

He insisted if she really was that ill, then she should just quit her job and just rely on him. But she can’t quit her job! She has been the one providing for him for years! Plus, she would lose her health insurance. She is scared to leave him though and worried if he would make it without her. It is obvious to you that her boyfriend has a great deal of emotional control over her. It is also impacting her health and illness. And now with a black eye and a broken nose, she may lose her job anyway. What do you suggest?

________________________________

Overwhelming, isn’t it? It is even more exhausting to live these lives –not just read about them. With chronic conditions hitting nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA, it oftentimes hits one family multiple times as in some of the scenarios above.

What can your church leadership learn from these examples?

It can be hard to just listen but remember that “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) By giving “pat” answers of “I’m sure God will work it all out” we are saying, “I don’t have time for this or really know what to do so I will reassure them that God is in control. But is that shutting our ears? Even if we don’t have the answers, listening can be one of our greatest gifts. And if we don’t? Well, that can be one of our biggest downfalls, for scripture tells us, “If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.” (Proverbs 21:13)

Why should we take the time to prepare in advance?
Because Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” With time spent in the Word, and discussing it together, we may know in advance more fully how to answer. “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” (1 Peter 3:15)

I look forward to your comments below about how this worked as a discussion tool–or–how these stories even touched your lives. They may be “fiction” on this page, but they are based on real emails I receive every day.

Related articles: What I’d Like to Tell My Pastor About Living with Illness (restministries.com)

When one is chronically ill, and a friend wishes to help her, the first thing that comes to mind is to bring her a meal. In fact, since the most popular gift to bring is a meal, I wrote the book, Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend to get people to think beyond food.

Having said, that, however, a meal is a gift of comfort. And even though we may be physically able to cook, it takes a burden off of us so that we can use the energy we would have spent cooking doing something else.

I have discovered that many people who cook for the chronically ill are actually ill themselves. Though it is easy to understand new mommies and those who have just had surgery are in need of meals, those who see a chronically ill friend at the bank and picking their daughter up from school, it’s hard to understand why they would need someone to cook for them.

But those who have a chronic illness understand just how much a meal can make a difference. It makes a difference in practical ways, like not having to cook dinner for your family that night. But it also tells someone, “I acknowledge your (invisible) illness. I recognize how hard it can be to just get through the day sometimes. I know how hard you are trying to do it all and not complain. Let me give you this gift.”

So, in that spirit, here at Rest Ministries we are providing some fun printables to use when you give someone a meal. These can be downloaded and then printed out. You can tape it onto the foil covering a meal, print it on label paper you can get at your local office supply store, or punch a hole and attach it with a piece of ribbon. It makes that special meal a true gift and tells the person you are delivering it to that they are very special!

The circles can be added to any little item, condiment, gift bag of something, etc. with a note from you!

Please feel free to share these, “pin them”, print out and distribute them to people in your support group to use, email the link to your women’s ministry leader–whatever you can do to share. Our only stipulation is that you do not repost them as your own creation. Thanks! You can download these free printable meal delivery labels here or click the image below.

And… leave a comment below and we will randomly choose three winners next Monday of my book “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, for those who want to go beyond the casseroles!

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

Here, with her friend Alicia, they discuss three mentoring mistakes many of us make. There is one tip about choosing to be”Clark Kent” — not Superman? What is this about? It is a great reminder about not having to show the people we are mentoring us without the scars.

Have you ever made a mentoring mistake? Have you delegated too much, or maybe not enough? Have you committed to mentor someone and then were not able to follow through? If you are able to confide in us, we promise not to judge because we have all been there and can learn from one another.

Share ONE THING in the comments below about mentoring. Did you have a mentor? Do you want a mentor? Do you mentor someone else? Got a mentoring tip? We’d love to learn more from you, our readers.

I am happy to be able to call Edna a friend through a Christian women writers organization, but even I didn’t know all that she had experienced in her life until I read this book. This woman has every right to write about her journey with suffering and how to use it for God’s plans.

This is an interactive 6-week Bible study that helps guide the reader through her pain and to a point where she can see how God may just use it. In my opinion, this book would most benefit those who have gone through the grief cycle of a period of suffering, who are now looking for how to use this pain and experience for God’s glory.

For example, if you were diagnosed with a chronic illness last week, this book likely will not meet your needs–yet! But when you have gone through the times of grief, anger, bargaining with God, etc. and are to the point where you want to step out of that grief cycle and into a place where God can use your pain, this is one of the best books I have ever seen to lead you on the next steps.

• In the chapter, “Trusting in Others: God Given Guidance” it explains the need for women to have mentors and some possibilities for you to become a mentor for women in your neighborhood, church, or as a volunteer at an organization.
• “Praying For Others With Serious Problems” explains how to pray for those who are suffering a great deal. This topic is one that Christian leaders are somehow just expected to know how to do, but are rarely taught.
• “Your God-Given Passion: God’s Motivation” reminds us how look for the “hurt points” we have had in our life and to recognize how they may be the most important ways that God can use us, as we can relate with the hurts others are going through.

If you are tired of just reacting to the pains in your life, and you are ready to pro-actively respond to them instead–in ways that will bring God glory and help you discover His will for your life–this book is for you! Edna wraps her arms around you, cautious to tread lightly on your hurts that still may be a bit raw, but she also encourages you and helps the reader see the potential God has for all the sufferings in her life.

The fact that this is a workbook, and not just a book to read, makes it a tool to not just encourage you to follow the plans God has for your life, but a way to actually be able to discover them, focus them, and then start reaching for them.

This book is 224 pages, and is larger than your average book at 8.9 x 7.5 inches.

Edna Ellison, who holds a Ph.D., speaks to women all over the world. According to her Amazon profile, she loves collecting Christian jokes and leading women in her church in the Beautiful Hat Society, a group of Christian women who meet monthly for encouragement, laughter, and a time of sharing their mentoring adventures.

Get it today at the Rest Ministries Shop! Our bookstore is how we find the funds to keep us going so your purchases help us keep the computers running!

I recently wrote about this new blog on 3/30/12, New Thinking About Suicide Blog Offers Eternal Hope. Some of you, however, missed this post and then wondered why I was “liking” a page on Facebook that is called “Thinking About Suicide”. Don’t worry! I am just supporting the efforts to help spread the word.

Below is a short video message to you about this blog and also my personal plea with anyone who wonders if life is worth living. . . it is. It is hard. But life is worth living.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

A few months ago a friend of mine, Linda Evans Shepherd, announced to our group of Christian women writers that she was starting a blog specifically to reach out to those who were considering suicide. I have to say that anything Linda touches is done well and with complete passion and heart behind it. Her most recent web site, Finding God Daily, has a wonderful collection of articles about all the places we can find God!

But would I be able to make a commitment to write an article or two a month about suicide? What do I know that may encourage someone else? And I just have a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology, while many of the writers are professional counselors.

But then I got an email from someone at Rest Ministries pouring her heart out. . . about taking her life. And all those statistics about chronic pain or physical illness being the cause of about 70 percent of suicides kept popping up in my mind in the next few days (Source: Mackenzie TB, Popkin MK: “Suicide in the medical patient.” Intl J Psych in Med 17:3-22, 1987).

So I prayed about it. And God said, “Do it.”

I emailed Linda and volunteered and was accepted as a writer for this new amazing blog Thinking About Suicide. It just kicked off last week on Wednesday, March 21, 2012. Why a Wednesday? Linda explains in one of the blog posts How to Live Through Hump Day that Wednesday is the day when most suicides occur.

In just a little over a week there is a wonderful growing collection of blog posts by this team of writers. Recently, author Karen Boerger wrote about Help For Chronic Pain With Suicidal Thoughts.

Our hope is that through a collection of various articles, when people search the internet about “thinking about suicide” this web site will come up, and not only will one find hope for the moment, but also a Christ-based resource that will provide answers about where that real, enduring hope comes from.

Please make a note to yourself that this blog exists and if you, or someone you know, needs a resource to turn to through a difficult time, visit it for a pick-me-up. If you are seriously considering suicide, I urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) without delay.

Also, if there is something you are personally experiencing with hopelessness and would like me to consider addressing it in a future blog post over at Thinking About Suicide, please let me know.

My first article will appear on Wednesday, April 4, 2012. “Why Bother Living When I Am Facing a Serious Infection Without a Hand to Hold?”

If you are having a rough day, here are a few resources on our web site that discuss suicide– a tough but very real topic.

• When You Are Tempted to Speed Up The Trip to Heaven
• I Forgot: My Life is Not My Own, Christian Author Shares About Her Attempted Suicide
• Assisted Suicide Due to Pain of Illness and How it Fits With Our Belief in God

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

You felt awful the entire day but you decided to get in the car and go to the support group anyway. You thought it would be good for you. It took forever to find the building at the hospital and then you ended up parking what seemed like a mile from the suite number. You found a chair that smelled like old sweat and smoke and hoped somehow you would find some encouragement.

But an hour later you’re ready to make dash for the door. Everyone seems to be so depressed! And too many people want to either sell you a juicer that is sure to cure your problems, or tell you about every surgery they’ve had since 1977.

Aren’t support groups supposed to be a valuable coping tool?

Yes, they are! Studies done on support groups by David Spiegel, MD, have found that support groups do improve the quality of life for their attendees. Recently studies have concluded, however, that the lifespan of a patient with cancer may not increase because of a support group environment (CANCER, Sept 2007). However, we cannot deny the fact that the validation of one’s feelings about their illness definitely makes a difference in how they cope with chronic illness.

You may attend a support group, or perhaps even lead one, but regardless of how long you have (or have not) participated in one, it’s likely that you’ve seen the slippery slope of how quickly people can go from sharing honest, vulnerable feelings to a session of complaints and even quarreling. Looking for fresh and fun icebreaker games for small groups to perk things up?

Here are 10 ideas to help create some humor and joy in your support group. You can evade some of those bitter moments that can so easily come out in conversation about illness. Some simple planning can make you feel enthused about your next get together. These ideas will work for any groups, from a Rhode Island support group for CFS to a diabetes support group for those in Marion County, Florida. And they a great tool to have when you are creating a proposal for starting up a support group.

1. Before your meeting, cut out some smiley faces and sad faces and glue them on each side of a stick or a plastic knife. When everyone goes around the room to share about their experiences or emotions of the week, ask people to make sure they are able to hold up both “faces’. For example, Beth may say, “I’m not looking forward to my joint replacement surgery and all the rehab afterwards” while holding up the sad side of the stick. And then she flips it to think of something positive to say “I feel blessed though, that the insurance is covering a lot of the expenses and my friends have volunteered to help take care of my children.”

2. Redefine your conception of what counts as indoor games for small groups. For example, start a JOY box and ask everyone to bring an item for it that someone else can take home with them. Have each person choose an item at the end of the meeting. It could be a silly toy, a cartoon, a rubber fish, or great book, a poem, a note someone sent that encouraged you, or even a funny DVD. Ask everyone to return them at the next meeting and exchange it for another item. Refresh the box up now and then.

3. Here’s a unique icebreaker for small groups. Make a silly theme song that you use to start the meeting. You can pick a song and make up new lyrics too. Check out comedian Anita Renfroe for some good ideas about how to make a song your own at her web site.

4. Bring some corny things to use during your meetings. Avoid making anyone feel pressured to use them. (If you force someone to wear a clown nose she may never come back) Have them available, however, and encourage goofiness before getting down to the real reasons you are there. Oriental Trading supply is the source of thousands of funny items guaranteed to spur a giggle.

5. Don’t allow the group to turn into a platform for any one member who talks incessantly about her illness, the treatment, the alternative treatments or even her complaints. If you have someone dominating the conversation, tell the group you are implementing a timer and set your own guidelines. (For example, can people vent for 60 seconds about anything they want? Can they share about an alternative treatment they want the group to try? Give them a time limit.)

6. Ask everyone to bring an encouraging item to include in a gift basket for someone in need who is either unable to attend the group or not even a member. Put your heads together about what kinds of items to include. You can find over five-hundred simple ideas in the book “Beyond Casseroles.” Remember personal notes mean a lot, even from people you don’t know, so ask people to write a sentence or two to include with the item.

7. Have a fun night out. You can act your age and go to a nice sit-down restaurant or head over to Chuck E. Cheese for some pin ball. It can definitely be a successful icebreaker for small groups because people who haven’t opened up much in the group may feel relieved to have this environment to get to know others.

8. Hand out articles and other resources that encourage people to thrive despite their illness. You can find fun items through the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week website like “My illness is invisible but my hope shines through.”

9. Invite guest speakers who you trust will speak positively. Inform your speakers that they can “tell it like it is” but that you always want people to leave the meeting feeling energized; not depressed. Let them know they can use props, tell a joke, or do whatever it takes to keep people paying attention.

10. Focus on things that your group can actually do that will change things, since they may feel so unable to control their illness. If you can’t physically participate in the local walk for charity, could you work at a table handing out snacks or doing registration? Find events your group can participate in to feel like they are doing more than just complaining about their predicament. Take advantage of the energy that teens with chronic illness often have to motivate support groups to get involved in outside projects.

Illness can be one of the most isolating experiences people have, and support groups provide a sense of belonging in the midst of this. The levels of relationship that form in the group, however, are significantly influenced by how uplifting the leader makes the group environment. None of us want to leave a meeting feeling worse than when we came, but rather refreshed and motivated to live the best life possible. With just a few changes, your support group can go from being a simple meeting, to becoming a lifeline for those involved.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. You can find more ideas for icebreakers for small groups with your free download of 200 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend from “Beyond Casseroles” by Lisa Copen.

This international Christian ministry has an updated list of churches around the USA who have shared their desire to create an environment that welcomes those who may be “differently-abled.”

To enter your zipcode into the search engine click here.

You may also want to visit our HopeKeepers map to see if there is a church near you who has a HopeKeepers group that serves the chronically ill.

One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

In coming months I will be sharing more of your testimonies about your involvement in small groups, the Sunroom, on Facebook, daily devotionals–wherever Rest Ministries has touched your life. Print, audio, or videos are all welcome if you’re interested in sharing. Lisa

From a woman we will call Samantha, who has been a part of a HopeKeepers in Southern California that has met for over 10 years.

I was a young Christian woman, just starting my career, newly in love, and full of hopes for the future.

Then, one day, chronic pain entered my life and set up a long-term stay. Now, over 20 years later, I live in constant severe pain.

Do I have many moments of questioning, tears and frustration? If I said I didn’t, I’d be giving false testimony, and worse, making it harder for someone who is reading this to believe that there is such a thing as solid hope even when one is living through intense suffering.

No, I haven’t found an answer, medically, for my chronic pain, but I found these things, which are so valuable. . . a God who suffers alongside me and does not turn His back on me, a group called–of all things–HopeKeepers (R).

The group has co-suffering servant-hearted leaders who are incredibly accepting and inspire me to spiritual maturity, brave fellow seekers and believers who listen and care and pray and allow me–in my brokenness–to listen to, care, and pray for them in return.

I am now still a young Christian woman, still growing in love with the same devoted man, striving to understand the riches of God’s Word, still leaning hard into my Savior.

What have I learned through HopeKeepers? Simple–No one gets through life without pain. The blessed ones are not those who live without heartache, obstacles and pain, but the ones who, in pain, in struggle, have love, hope and support in their very soul because of the giver of hope.

I invite others with whom I cross paths who are suffering to join us in community as we endeavor to keep our hope, right where it needs to be–in Christ.

Are you interested in starting a HopeKeepers group?

HopeKeepers is the small group program of Rest Ministries that meets in churches and communities around the world. Rest Ministries provides help in starting your group, materials and resources, tools such as training DVD to help increase awareness of (mostly invisible) illness in your church, and opportunities for networking with other leaders.

To find out more visit the “Start a Group” section of our web site.

Related articles

• When Our Church Disappoints Us, Where Do We Put Those Emotions (chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com)
• The Journey of Life Is Not Meant to Be Done Alone (chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com)