“Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm.” (Psalm 37:8)

Anger is a normal part of being a human being but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.

Here are the four most common lies about anger.

1. When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. I liken it to vomiting. You do feel better getting it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet, not on another person.

Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword” and Proverbs 29:11 warns us that, “Only a fool gives full vent to his anger.”

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger is to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. In the process, you might find some perspective on what to do with them and how to express them constructively.

2. Other people or provoking situations make me angry.

We all believe this lie at times. We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us. Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45).

What comes up and out of your mouth when you are angry exposes what’s in your heart. Often our heart is filled with self-centered lies or desires.

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “it’s not fair, why me?” or “I need to teach him/her a lesson” or “they can’t get away with this.”

Instead of blaming others or the situation we’re in, we can start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life.

Then we can work to calm ourselves down (with different self talk and God’s Word) instead of demanding that life always go our way or that everyone do what we want or make us feel better.

3. I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. We WANT our way. We want to be right. We want to be first, or catered to. We want our needs met. And we’re angry because we’re not getting what we want.

James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

Part of spiritual maturity is to learn to accept that we don’t always get what we want, even if what we want is a good thing. Living peaceably with other people involves realizing that what I want and what someone else might want may be very different. The bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4).

The truth is anger is a powerful emotion that deceives us into using it to demand our own way.

4. I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us.

If you want to get a handle on your anger, anger is not the problem you must address. Your temper is a symptom of what’s going on in your heart. If you gain self-control over your temper that’s great, but the deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

How we act and live flows from what is in our heart – what we desire or want the most. God wants to rearrange the desires of our heart so that we no longer want our own way the MOST, but rather we want to please him and love him and others.

When God changes our heart it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

When Jesus changes our heart, instead of only wanting MY way, I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

How? I’ve had a change of heart and I no longer see myself as the most important person. I am no longer at the center of my life, Jesus is.

Becoming more and more like Jesus is not just trying to do the right thing, but wanting to do the right thing and then learning how.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19,20)

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

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I am 32 years old & was recently diagnosed with diabetes on top of having another chronic condition. I am very frustrated, & I feel like I have always had a gracious spirit & have been patient to discover the Lord’s plans for my life despite the challenges of chronic illnesses. But lately I am more discouraged than ever & if one more person tells me that I should be thankful that it’s not worse, I am going to scream. Any advice? –Jackie

Hi Jackie. I know what it’s like to live with chronic illness. I’ve struggled for several years with an autoimmune form of arthritis that keeps me in a lot of pain. Mornings are the hardest, so I’ve tried to remember to start each day by reading my Bible & praising God. There are days when I have to limp my way to the kitchen table to read my devotional & my Bible. Maybe you can relate! Hard as it might be, (& trust me, I know it’s tough), you really can praise your way through the storms of life.

I’m reminded of the story of Jehosophat, in the Old Testament. When Israel was at war against a mighty enemy, Jehosophat & the other Levites (worshipers) were sent to the front lines of the battle. Why? They led the Israelite warriors toward the enemy with praise on their lips & instruments blaring! And guess what? The battle was won. I sincerely believe that message is for us, today. Our battles are won in praise.

Sound impossible? That’s exactly what the enemy of your soul wants you to believe. He wants you think it’s impossible to thank/praise God in all situations. But it’s not. The strength to praise comes from the inward man, not the outward man. In other words, even if you were lying in a bed completely incapacitated, your inward man could still celebrate. Sure, it’s hard. But making a conscious effort to praise (& giving yourself reminders to do so) will strengthen you from the inside out. There’s a great worship song we sing at my church. The words “From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out to you” ring true in my ears. When I don’t have the strength on the outside, I must depend on the Spirit’s work from the inside-out. My prayer is that you will discover the joy of inward praise, particularly when the outward circumstances dictate otherwise. By doing so, you will take huge steps toward an emotional & spiritual victory.

Janice Hanna Thompson is the Christian author of over fifty books for the Christian market. She is an empty nest mom who lives with two naughty dachshunds. (Truthfully, the dogs are harder to raise than the kids were.) Janice battles psoriatic arthritis & also uses a CPAP for sleep apnea. In spite of her struggles, she chooses to praise the Lord “in the storm” & hopes to encourage others along the way with her writings. Be sure to visit her website for a wide-variety of books!

He says on his web site, “I was born without arms or legs & given no medical reason for this condition. Faced with countless challenges & obstacles, God has given me the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, the Lord has placed within me an unquenchable passion to share this same hope & genuine love that I’ve personally experienced with more than two million people all over the globe.”

Regardless of what one may believe, I can’t fathom how they could watch this man & the joy he has & not want to know more about the God that gives him his strength & ministry. Be sure to visit his web site at Life Without Limbs & watch the inspirational video below.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl58qufXfYk

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Fireproof is an amazing movie that was out in 2008 that set records for any independent film. Starring actor Kirk Cameron, heplays a fire chief & a man who is well-respected by those in his community. But his marriage is nearing the end. It’s not because of an affair with another person, or some dramatic event that takes place; but rather because, day by day, both spouses take one another a little more for granted & move away from each other than toward each other. Both are searching for validation of their emotions & even simple appreciation.

Despite the fact that the movie was at the theaters two years ago the ministry of this movie continues to impact lives & change marriages. They have set up a Fireproof website specifically for Valentine’s Day review can hear the author made some of the love dares that were completed in the film, send a Fireproof e-card, or listen to one of their hit songs from the film & download it–John Waller’s song “While I’m Waiting” from the FIREPROOF Soundtrack CD.

Here are 8 reasons I believe every married couple who copes with chronic illness should see this movie:

1. The dialogue is real, as if the writers were hiding behind the furniture of living rooms around the world & eves-dropping on actual conversations, arguments & threats. Let’s face it… real fights are most often about who has done the dishes. You won’t find the typical Hollywood lingo in this film like, “You had me at hello.”

2. The burden of care-giving is addressed. The “wife” in the relationship has a mother who has recently had a stroke. The expense of the medical equipment she needs, like a wheelchair & a bed, is shown in this film, something nearly always overlooked in your typical movie. Though this situation may be dissimilar to yours, it’s helpful to see illness & its impact on a marriage acknowledged as a stressor in a marriage relationship.

3. It will make you laugh. Just because the emotions run deep enough to bring on many tears in this movie, doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself laughing through those tears at times. Even if your marriage is “perfect” & you think you don’t need a boost, it’s a move night to share with your spouse just for fun. The firehouse crew is & the little things the actors do, where you see yourself, will bring smiles to your face.

4. It tells both sides of the story. Whether you are the spouse who is trying to make your marriage work, or the one who just wants out, you’ll find many of your emotions & fears represented. Though the husb& in this film is made out in some cases to have been the one with some “problems” the wife isn’t without room for improvement in how she treats her husb& either. A surprise twist at the end will leave you with a reminder that no one is perfect, regardless of how they may appear to be.

5. It’s packed with real life scenarios, including those of a fireman. This isn’t a cheap flick with a strong message, but a strong film that happens to have a solid message. If you love those “edge of your seat” movie scenes when you are eating popcorn as fast as you can get your h& to your mouth, you won’t be disappointed. If you’re a woman, you can rest easy that there is plenty of “guy stuff” in this movie that won’t make your man feel like he’s at a chick flick.

6. Kirk Cameron yells. Okay, maybe not one of the top reasons to see this film, but watching him lose his temper & kick a trash can may just leave the men (or women) in the audience feeling like they aren’t being judged of silly behavior or lost tempers. Most of us have had a situation where we’ve wanted to please our spouse & their response made us want to go kick something, right?

7. It provides a tool to take along. The book “The Love Dare,” which the actor works through to win his wife’s heart back, may seem more like a way for the movie makers to make an extra buck. It’s not. In fact, all actors worked for free. The book is rather a way that you can take something tangible away from the film & literally start applying it to your own marriage. As my mom & I left the theater the guys beside us exchanged words. “I guess I have to go order my wife some flowers now… but it’s going to cost me a fortune!” “Hey, weren’t you listening. It doesn’t matter how much they cost.” The great thing is, if you’re on a budget, expensive flowers aren’t required; it’s the actions.

If I was a Christian counselor I would h& couples the DVD (when available) & tell them to go watch it together before our first appointment.

A nice plus is the “behind the scenes” honor that actor Kirk Cameron gives his wife by keeping his own promises: he vowed to her (despite being an actor) to never kiss another woman. So his wife was flown in for the kiss at the end of the film, where she stood in for the actress. He’s been married seventeen years, is the father of six children, & a strong believer in Christ who is not ashamed to proclaim it. That makes me want to listen up to what he has to say. He made the rounds before the film released, including spots on the Today Show, Dr Phil (9/25/08) & many more & he has done well. Despite some over-eager or even rude (names not mentioned) interviewers, he has represented Christ well. He’s come a long way from the posters on my little sister’s wall!

And on a side note, you may be interested to know he founded a camp over twenty years ago, Camp Firefly, for chronically ill children & their families. (Go, Kirk!)

As the founder of Rest Ministries which serves those who live with chronic illness, I firmly st& behind this movie as being one of the best to impact a marriage. It may be the two best hours you give your marriage since the day of your vows.

Lisa Copen

PS: You may also be interested in this: Focus on the Family is putting together a “special marriage seminar on February 27 that your church can host. The Focus on Marriage simulcast conference is Saturday, February 27.” Stephen Kendrick, author of Fireproof & The Love Dare is one of the guest speakers. You can attend at a church near you that offers this event via satellite. Find a location near you here at FOTF’s web site.

Does your friend have an HMO that requires her primary physician to be a “gate keeper?” In this model, doctors must cut costs by limiting referrals. It may be necessary to contact the HMO administration to dem& a second opinion. Read the fine print in the insurance packet before calling. Alternatively, she may request a new primary physician. These two processes will take time.

Unfortunately, your friend may need to spend money out of her own pocket to see the physician of her choice. Try to stick with a doctor covered by her plan because that doctor may end up being her advocate with the insurer. Explain the situation up front.

Many illnesses are difficult to diagnose. One example is a disease called “interstitial cystitis.” Doctors give antibiotics because they mistakenly think the symptoms of pain & frequent urination are due to infection. Another example is acid reflux. Doctors give antibiotics for a sore throat or cough that is not caused by strep bacteria, but by acid bubbling up from the stomach. If you “google” symptoms, you may find some clues.

I am embarrassed by doctors who give patients the brush off & HMOs that gouge. Your friend is blessed to have your concern.

Amy Fogelstrom Chai, MD, MS, is an Internal Medicine specialist with additional training in the area of medical research methods. Her experiences as a patient helped to redirect her priorities to home life & Christian ministry.