By Leslie Vernick

When someone hurts us, is foolish, or sins against us, the consequences of their behaviors often impact us more than the other person.

Anger, bitterness and resentment can be the result. Even when someone hasn’t intentionally inflicted harm, these negative emotions creep into our spirits and are hard to get rid of.

Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself stuck in resentment.

1. Ask yourself what purpose do these negative emotions serve?

Is it payback? Is it an attitude of I get to be right?

Or, is it that you haven’t been able or willing to forgive

Or, perhaps it is an indicator that you’re angry and need to have a conversation with someone who has sinned against you in order to bring healing to the relationship.

2. Recognize that you are not a helpless “victim” of your own emotional life.

The Apostle Paul says to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31:32 (NIV)

And Ecclesiastes 11:10 says, “Remove vexation from your heart.” (ESV)

It’s important we acknowledge we have an important part to play if we want to let go of negative feelings.

3. In order to let go of negative emotions you have to want to. If you’re struggling with the willingness, ask yourself these two (2) questions.

(a) What will it cost me to hold on to them?

(b) What will it cost my marriage (or relationship) if I hang on to them?

4. Here are two (2) specific steps you can take to begin to let go of resentment as well as other negative emotions.

Externalize your negative emotion: We often over identify with our emotions as if they are us. One way to break this habit is to pay attention to how we talk about our feelings.

For example, instead of saying “I am resentful”, say it this way, “I’m aware that I am feeling resentful.”

It’s important to realize that YOU are not your feelings. When you give yourself a bit of space by saying it this new way, you now can do something about your resentment. In other words you have your resentment instead of your resentment having you.

Once you’re aware you’re feeling those emotions and no longer want to, choose to practice the opposite virtue.

When the apostle Paul tells us to get rid of these negative feelings, he doesn’t stop there. He then tells us to be kind, compassionate and forgiving.

When we don’t want to feel our negative feelings, actually doing something opposite to them coupled with a genuine heart, helps get rid of them.

We remove a bad feeling when we replace it with another feeling. It’s impossible to feel two opposite feelings (such as anger and compassion, or complaining and gratitude) at the same time.

Practicing the opposite virtue helps you not allow your temporary emotional state to dictate how you live or how you will treat someone. Instead you choose to treat another person out of who you are (or want to become) rather than how you feel in any particular moment. This practice will help release the negative emotions you no longer want to feel and replace them with joy and peace.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

“Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm.” (Psalm 37:8)

Anger is a normal part of being a human being but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.

Here are the four most common lies about anger.

1. When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. I liken it to vomiting. You do feel better getting it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet, not on another person.

Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword” and Proverbs 29:11 warns us that, “Only a fool gives full vent to his anger.”

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger is to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. In the process, you might find some perspective on what to do with them and how to express them constructively.

2. Other people or provoking situations make me angry.

We all believe this lie at times. We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us. Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45).

What comes up and out of your mouth when you are angry exposes what’s in your heart. Often our heart is filled with self-centered lies or desires.

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “it’s not fair, why me?” or “I need to teach him/her a lesson” or “they can’t get away with this.”

Instead of blaming others or the situation we’re in, we can start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life.

Then we can work to calm ourselves down (with different self talk and God’s Word) instead of demanding that life always go our way or that everyone do what we want or make us feel better.

3. I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. We WANT our way. We want to be right. We want to be first, or catered to. We want our needs met. And we’re angry because we’re not getting what we want.

James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

Part of spiritual maturity is to learn to accept that we don’t always get what we want, even if what we want is a good thing. Living peaceably with other people involves realizing that what I want and what someone else might want may be very different. The bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4).

The truth is anger is a powerful emotion that deceives us into using it to demand our own way.

4. I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us.

If you want to get a handle on your anger, anger is not the problem you must address. Your temper is a symptom of what’s going on in your heart. If you gain self-control over your temper that’s great, but the deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

How we act and live flows from what is in our heart – what we desire or want the most. God wants to rearrange the desires of our heart so that we no longer want our own way the MOST, but rather we want to please him and love him and others.

When God changes our heart it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

When Jesus changes our heart, instead of only wanting MY way, I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

How? I’ve had a change of heart and I no longer see myself as the most important person. I am no longer at the center of my life, Jesus is.

Becoming more and more like Jesus is not just trying to do the right thing, but wanting to do the right thing and then learning how.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19,20)

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

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I am 32 years old & was recently diagnosed with diabetes on top of having another chronic condition. I am very frustrated, & I feel like I have always had a gracious spirit & have been patient to discover the Lord’s plans for my life despite the challenges of chronic illnesses. But lately I am more discouraged than ever & if one more person tells me that I should be thankful that it’s not worse, I am going to scream. Any advice? –Jackie

Hi Jackie. I know what it’s like to live with chronic illness. I’ve struggled for several years with an autoimmune form of arthritis that keeps me in a lot of pain. Mornings are the hardest, so I’ve tried to remember to start each day by reading my Bible & praising God. There are days when I have to limp my way to the kitchen table to read my devotional & my Bible. Maybe you can relate! Hard as it might be, (& trust me, I know it’s tough), you really can praise your way through the storms of life.

I’m reminded of the story of Jehosophat, in the Old Testament. When Israel was at war against a mighty enemy, Jehosophat & the other Levites (worshipers) were sent to the front lines of the battle. Why? They led the Israelite warriors toward the enemy with praise on their lips & instruments blaring! And guess what? The battle was won. I sincerely believe that message is for us, today. Our battles are won in praise.

Sound impossible? That’s exactly what the enemy of your soul wants you to believe. He wants you think it’s impossible to thank/praise God in all situations. But it’s not. The strength to praise comes from the inward man, not the outward man. In other words, even if you were lying in a bed completely incapacitated, your inward man could still celebrate. Sure, it’s hard. But making a conscious effort to praise (& giving yourself reminders to do so) will strengthen you from the inside out. There’s a great worship song we sing at my church. The words “From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out to you” ring true in my ears. When I don’t have the strength on the outside, I must depend on the Spirit’s work from the inside-out. My prayer is that you will discover the joy of inward praise, particularly when the outward circumstances dictate otherwise. By doing so, you will take huge steps toward an emotional & spiritual victory.

Janice Hanna Thompson is the Christian author of over fifty books for the Christian market. She is an empty nest mom who lives with two naughty dachshunds. (Truthfully, the dogs are harder to raise than the kids were.) Janice battles psoriatic arthritis & also uses a CPAP for sleep apnea. In spite of her struggles, she chooses to praise the Lord “in the storm” & hopes to encourage others along the way with her writings. Be sure to visit her website for a wide-variety of books!

He says on his web site, “I was born without arms or legs & given no medical reason for this condition. Faced with countless challenges & obstacles, God has given me the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, the Lord has placed within me an unquenchable passion to share this same hope & genuine love that I’ve personally experienced with more than two million people all over the globe.”

Regardless of what one may believe, I can’t fathom how they could watch this man & the joy he has & not want to know more about the God that gives him his strength & ministry. Be sure to visit his web site at Life Without Limbs & watch the inspirational video below.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl58qufXfYk

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Fireproof is an amazing movie that was out in 2008 that set records for any independent film. Starring actor Kirk Cameron, heplays a fire chief & a man who is well-respected by those in his community. But his marriage is nearing the end. It’s not because of an affair with another person, or some dramatic event that takes place; but rather because, day by day, both spouses take one another a little more for granted & move away from each other than toward each other. Both are searching for validation of their emotions & even simple appreciation.

Despite the fact that the movie was at the theaters two years ago the ministry of this movie continues to impact lives & change marriages. They have set up a Fireproof website specifically for Valentine’s Day review can hear the author made some of the love dares that were completed in the film, send a Fireproof e-card, or listen to one of their hit songs from the film & download it–John Waller’s song “While I’m Waiting” from the FIREPROOF Soundtrack CD.

Here are 8 reasons I believe every married couple who copes with chronic illness should see this movie:

1. The dialogue is real, as if the writers were hiding behind the furniture of living rooms around the world & eves-dropping on actual conversations, arguments & threats. Let’s face it… real fights are most often about who has done the dishes. You won’t find the typical Hollywood lingo in this film like, “You had me at hello.”

2. The burden of care-giving is addressed. The “wife” in the relationship has a mother who has recently had a stroke. The expense of the medical equipment she needs, like a wheelchair & a bed, is shown in this film, something nearly always overlooked in your typical movie. Though this situation may be dissimilar to yours, it’s helpful to see illness & its impact on a marriage acknowledged as a stressor in a marriage relationship.

3. It will make you laugh. Just because the emotions run deep enough to bring on many tears in this movie, doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself laughing through those tears at times. Even if your marriage is “perfect” & you think you don’t need a boost, it’s a move night to share with your spouse just for fun. The firehouse crew is & the little things the actors do, where you see yourself, will bring smiles to your face.

4. It tells both sides of the story. Whether you are the spouse who is trying to make your marriage work, or the one who just wants out, you’ll find many of your emotions & fears represented. Though the husb& in this film is made out in some cases to have been the one with some “problems” the wife isn’t without room for improvement in how she treats her husb& either. A surprise twist at the end will leave you with a reminder that no one is perfect, regardless of how they may appear to be.

5. It’s packed with real life scenarios, including those of a fireman. This isn’t a cheap flick with a strong message, but a strong film that happens to have a solid message. If you love those “edge of your seat” movie scenes when you are eating popcorn as fast as you can get your h& to your mouth, you won’t be disappointed. If you’re a woman, you can rest easy that there is plenty of “guy stuff” in this movie that won’t make your man feel like he’s at a chick flick.

6. Kirk Cameron yells. Okay, maybe not one of the top reasons to see this film, but watching him lose his temper & kick a trash can may just leave the men (or women) in the audience feeling like they aren’t being judged of silly behavior or lost tempers. Most of us have had a situation where we’ve wanted to please our spouse & their response made us want to go kick something, right?

7. It provides a tool to take along. The book “The Love Dare,” which the actor works through to win his wife’s heart back, may seem more like a way for the movie makers to make an extra buck. It’s not. In fact, all actors worked for free. The book is rather a way that you can take something tangible away from the film & literally start applying it to your own marriage. As my mom & I left the theater the guys beside us exchanged words. “I guess I have to go order my wife some flowers now… but it’s going to cost me a fortune!” “Hey, weren’t you listening. It doesn’t matter how much they cost.” The great thing is, if you’re on a budget, expensive flowers aren’t required; it’s the actions.

If I was a Christian counselor I would h& couples the DVD (when available) & tell them to go watch it together before our first appointment.

A nice plus is the “behind the scenes” honor that actor Kirk Cameron gives his wife by keeping his own promises: he vowed to her (despite being an actor) to never kiss another woman. So his wife was flown in for the kiss at the end of the film, where she stood in for the actress. He’s been married seventeen years, is the father of six children, & a strong believer in Christ who is not ashamed to proclaim it. That makes me want to listen up to what he has to say. He made the rounds before the film released, including spots on the Today Show, Dr Phil (9/25/08) & many more & he has done well. Despite some over-eager or even rude (names not mentioned) interviewers, he has represented Christ well. He’s come a long way from the posters on my little sister’s wall!

And on a side note, you may be interested to know he founded a camp over twenty years ago, Camp Firefly, for chronically ill children & their families. (Go, Kirk!)

As the founder of Rest Ministries which serves those who live with chronic illness, I firmly st& behind this movie as being one of the best to impact a marriage. It may be the two best hours you give your marriage since the day of your vows.

Lisa Copen

PS: You may also be interested in this: Focus on the Family is putting together a “special marriage seminar on February 27 that your church can host. The Focus on Marriage simulcast conference is Saturday, February 27.” Stephen Kendrick, author of Fireproof & The Love Dare is one of the guest speakers. You can attend at a church near you that offers this event via satellite. Find a location near you here at FOTF’s web site.

Does your friend have an HMO that requires her primary physician to be a “gate keeper?” In this model, doctors must cut costs by limiting referrals. It may be necessary to contact the HMO administration to dem& a second opinion. Read the fine print in the insurance packet before calling. Alternatively, she may request a new primary physician. These two processes will take time.

Unfortunately, your friend may need to spend money out of her own pocket to see the physician of her choice. Try to stick with a doctor covered by her plan because that doctor may end up being her advocate with the insurer. Explain the situation up front.

Many illnesses are difficult to diagnose. One example is a disease called “interstitial cystitis.” Doctors give antibiotics because they mistakenly think the symptoms of pain & frequent urination are due to infection. Another example is acid reflux. Doctors give antibiotics for a sore throat or cough that is not caused by strep bacteria, but by acid bubbling up from the stomach. If you “google” symptoms, you may find some clues.

I am embarrassed by doctors who give patients the brush off & HMOs that gouge. Your friend is blessed to have your concern.

Amy Fogelstrom Chai, MD, MS, is an Internal Medicine specialist with additional training in the area of medical research methods. Her experiences as a patient helped to redirect her priorities to home life & Christian ministry.

A wave, crashing against the shore
Shaking me from my reverie
I was lost in my thoughts once again
Lost within the confines of my pain
An infinite jumble of emotional fears & doubts
I struggled to make some sense
Of my life thus far

In a world tinged in darkness & pain
I know that my heart remains pure
But not untouched by it
My life of pain has left an imprint upon me
The valleys & crevices are emotions pool
Often overflow within me
Drown me in feelings of despair

And now the wave, lapping at my bare toes
Sends it’s icy fingers up my body
Refreshing & terrifying all the same
Reminding me of the coldness I once carried
Reinforcing this need to grasp onto the
only person that has given me Hope.
And claim Him as my own

A rumble, growling behind a curtain of cloud
Lost amid flashes of white against gray
Perpetuates this growing feeling
Disturbs me, but ever so slightly
Reminds me that I am real
I am alive despite the pain
I am living despite this painful reality
I live with every day

Swirling, darkening, tension grows
As a mighty flash of lightning
Licks a fragile web across the sky
And the Heavens split open
Drenching me in its awesome power
Opening up the flood gates that
Hold my emotions in check

As I had screamed into the wind & rain
Scream against the stinging drops
Rage against the injustice of my life
Of emotions, running wild
I Feel this heart with in me beat wildly
So raw! So real!
I realize I am alive despite sorrows of lost dream

Howling winds begins to carry debris
From my past & present
Carry me forward, into His arms
As I surrender myself, peace calms
The raging storm that is with in me.
Calms the sea that st& before me.

As I look towards the calming waters
I see Him walking upon the waters
As He moves towards me His foots
Steps I see in the s&.
He cups my face with His gentle fingers
And I know that despite the pain I
Feel, my life has always been in
His h&s…

By Barbara Engle Dec 3 2008

My name is Barbara Engle. I am 54 years old & I have been battling the reality of Gastroduodenal Crohn’s disease all my life. As a result of Crohn’s of the stomach I developed Gastroparesis. 12 years ago I was in a car accident the left me battling the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. By the grace of God & His mercy, I have learned to live with my illness & not be defeated by it. The friends that I have made here at Rest Ministries Sunroom have been a real blessing in my life & I love to share with them some of my poems & article of encouragement. Visit her web site here.

By Lisa Copen

Have you felt a great divide in a relationship that could compare with the parting of the Red Sea? In the midst of trying to redefine who we are with chronic illness, we often encounter a torrent of remarks that are hurtful.

Sometimes, the “wounds from a friend can be trusted,” (Proverbs 27:6), because the remarks are made out of ignorance: “If you just prayed about it more, God would heal you.” It hurts, but we know they aren’t purposely trying to hurt us. You may even feel abandoned as friends and companions avoid you because of your wounds (Psalm 38:11).

Or perhaps you’ve felt that the comments from friends or family are outright abusive, and you leave with tears flowing down your cheeks, wondering what went wrong and how you can be so misunderstood.

Recently experiencing conversation that left me feeling deeply hurt, I delved into the Scriptures to discover how I could resolve it? preferably the relationship, but at least peace in Christ and forgiveness. Even when the circumstances feel unfair to us, we must be willing to open up our heart to learning how to grow in Christ through it.

These are the steps I’ve worked through to gain peace and understanding in challenging relationships.

[1] Acknowledge that God is allowing this circumstance to occur in your life.

Pray that He will reveal His purpose through this situation. Stop dwelling on the one you feel has wronged you. Yes, your feelings were hurt, but don’t dwell on them, repeating the conversation over and over in your head. This is not about you!

Romans 8:6 says, “Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life” (The Message). Read God’s Word, pray for discernment and wisdom in interpreting what you read, and ask God to be your strength. God is enough. You don’t need the other person to apologize in order to find peace, nor do you have to “get even” in order to have resolution. This is between the Lord and you.

As Renee Bondi mentioned in a past article, think about such things: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy,” (Philippians 4:8) Make lists! You’ll begin to feel better.

[2] Take a close look at your own actions, without comparing, “I wasn’t nearly as mean as my friend was!”

• Honestly ask yourself, “How could I have made the situation worse?
• How could my actions have been misinterpreted?
• What would I do differently if I could do it again?”

Galatians 6:4 says, “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else. . .”

Ever lay awake at night going over the conversation? God understands and says, “When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent,” (Psalm 4:4). Ask God for forgiveness. Ask Him to convict you of your wrongdoings so you can ask for forgiveness of the individuals and of the Lord.

[3] Do not seek revenge or act cruel to the person, despite how they may have hurt you.

It’s not in your hands, but in the Lord’s. The Bible tells us, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good,” (Romans 12:17, 19-21).

[4] Respond to the one who has hurt you with a peaceful, calm heart.

You will represent a God who gives mercy. Ironically, God doesn’t just let one off the hook; He creates a turmoil of emotions within the other person. When someone feels angry and guilty and you respond with kindness, it can feel like burning coals on their head, because they are dealing with shame over their own actions. Not fun!

[5] Acknowledge that you only have so much control over the situation and do your best to resolve it, responding with grace.

Those around us watch us to see how we—as believers?will respond to an unjustified attack. If we respond no differently than non-believers, how have we represented God?

Romans 12:18 says, “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” By choosing to do your best, as far as it depends on you, you are refusing to play the victim role, but rather taking initiative in using this as a growth opportunity.

When we choose the victim role of “Why are you doing this to me?” our spiritual growth becomes stagnant. Remember, “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” (Psalm 34:18). Don’t miss out on an unexpected blessing by turning away from God or seeking revenge because of your pain.

[6] Anger is a natural emotion, but do not sin in the heat of the moment.

Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs,” (Corinthians 13:4, 5).

A high standard to live up to but God tells us, “If you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it,” (Genesis 4:7). Only with God’s help we can master our natural sinful nature and show love. It’s not easy but, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything,” (James 1:4).

[7] Be accountable to someone who can be objective and offer encouragement and advice.

“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). A friend or mentor can keep you accountable to seeking God’s will and praying for resolution. “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness,” (Hebrews 3:12,13).

[8] Pray to forgive the one that hurt you.

Even if the one who has hurt you has moved on, passed away, or desires no relationship with you, ask for God to provide forgiveness in your own heart so you can let it go and have more intimacy with the Lord. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins,” (Matthew 6:14, 15).

Kind of blunt, isn’t it? God knows we need to forgive in order to be fully His. You can read more about why forgiveness is good for both your soul and your body.

[9] Pray for the one that hurt you—with compassion

.It may take time to get to this point, but “Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress,” (1 Timothy 4:15). Ask the Lord to work in your friend’s life and to soften your heart towards him. Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

[10] Learn how to set healthy boundaries.

Proverbs 12:26 tells us that “a righteous man is cautious in friendship.” If you’ve been deeply hurt by someone, it may be time to set new boundaries, and these will likely be resented so be careful that when you do set boundaries: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” (Ephesians 4:29).

Use “I” language, “I will be able to come for one hour, but then I will have to leave,” “I love you but I won’t discuss the topic of ___ with you. Is there something else we can talk about?” “I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me, but I won’t be able to accommodate your requests.”

Regardless of the response you receive, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you,” (Ephesians 4:31, 32). As Robert Schuller says, “There are vast untapped resources of faith that can be discovered only in adversity.”

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

It can be hard to let it go sometimes, but that’s just what we ought to do. Scripture tells us, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins,” (Matthew 6:14, 15).

Now, science & studies have also proven, however, that forgiveness is not just for our soul, but for our health as well. Bitterness really can eat us up inside! If you are struggling with this, you may be interested in our article, “YOU Hurt My Feelings!”

Through a survey of 1,500 people a researcher at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health, N. Krause, discovered that if you tend to forgive easily you will be more likely to enjoy “greater psychological well-being” & be less depressed than those who hold grudges.

The study description says,

Forgiveness is a variable closely related to religiousness & spirituality that has been hypothesized to be protective of mental & physical health. However, we do not clearly underst& which aspects of forgiveness are most clearly associated with health outcomes, & the conditions under which these relationships occur.

This study used national probability data to systematically examine age differences in the association between forgiveness, religiousness/ spirituality, & respondent reports of mental & physical health.

Results showed age differences in the levels of forgiveness of others & feeling forgiven by God. In both cases, middle & old age adults showed higher levels of these forms of forgiveness than young adults.

Furthermore, the relationship between forgiveness of others & respondent reports of mental & physical health varies by age. Forgiveness of others was more strongly related to self-reported mental & physical health for middle & old age adults than for young adults.

I think it is interesting that young adult are less likely to forgive. Speaking for myself, the older I become, the more I realize that life is short & relationships are precious. Not forgiving someone hurts me more than it hurts them, & oftentimes the “issue” is not nearly as important as the relationship.

-ljc

“You look so good! You can’t be as bad as you say. You look perfectly healthy.” “You think you have fatigue? Try working full-time plus having four children! Then you’ll know what chronic fatigue is.” “I think you’re spending too much time thinking about how you feel. You need to just get out more.” “If you really wanted to get well, you’d at least try that juice drink I gave you last week. It won’t hurt to try it.”

And the comments go on. . . and on.

And it really hurts.

You may be surprised to hear that nearly 1 in 2 Americans has a chronic illness or physical condition that impacts their daily life. The range of diseases and included everything from migraines to diabetes, back pain to fibromyalgia, and arthritis to cancer. One of the largest emotional obstacles for people who suffer from illness is coping with the invisibility of the pain and feeling like no one understands what they deal with on a daily basis.

And they are justified in these feelings, as about 96% of illness is invisible, meaning the person who suffers from the chronic condition show no outward signs of physical pain or disability. An assistive device is not needed like a walker or wheelchair. But the incredible pain one experiences each day can be disabling within the confines of the home.

If you have an invisible illness here are 5 tools to help let go of some of the frustrations:

[1] Free people from the expectations you typically have had of them.

This step will likely be a life-long process, but without taking it, you will consistently find that people will always disappoint you. No one is perfect-even you! And it’s important to remember that those with illness do not understand the difficulties that our friends are going through, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one, an ill child, a loss job, etc. Your illness is momentous in your life. And even though people do care, they still will have significant things going on in their own lives. Don’t hold that against them.

[2] Find supportive, caring friends.

If there is someone in your circle of friendships who is constantly belittling you or distrustful about your illness, this should be a relationship to end. If it’s a relative, distance yourself as much as you can. Illness gives us an opportunity to help us prioritize our friendships. With limited energies we should surround ourselves with those who at least can give us the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge our illness exists.

[3] Search for the joy in your blessings.

Instead of dwelling on thinking about how badly you feel, find ways to bring more joy into your life, even if it’s just appreciating the small things. Explore what makes you happy and what you are doing when a natural adrenaline takes over and you have extra energy. That’s likely where your passions are! Focus on bringing more of this into your life. And don’t let your limitations stop you.

For example, maybe you once loved to garden. Now you could grow a few potted flowers or hire a neighborhood teenager to plant some vegetables and set up an automatic sprinkler system for them. You could even start a garden consulting business.

[4] Use your aptitude and talent for things you have a personal interest in.

Too often we feel like the skills we learned in the workplace are no longer valuable. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to write children’s books or be a business consultant. Get involved in your community and do some volunteer or part-time work to continue to grow professionally. Rather than focusing on what others aren’t doing to comfort you, follow your dreams and give that gift of comfort to yourself.

[5] Be a mentor for someone else with an illness.

You know how hard it is to live with illness and to feel like no one understands what you are experiencing, so take time to be vulnerable with someone else who is going through this. Whether you meet someone through an online group such as National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week’s Facebook Page, or through your local support group, volunteer your time and expertise (yes, you’re an expert on living with invisible illness!) and use it to make someone else’s journey simpler.

* You’ll find your own journey is more enjoyable too. For example, if you are frustrated that no one at your church thinks your invisible illness is real, rather than stop going to church, find ways to educate them, such as a column in the church newsletter or bookmarks about how to reach out to a hurting friend.

We can’t change other people-but we can educate them and give gentle advice about how many people live with invisible illness. Then we much work on ourselves. You’ll find that even when you want to change it can be difficult. It requires discipline and motivation for a better life. You owe it to yourself and finding joy in your life despite invisible chronic pain will improve both your mental and physical health.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

She explains, “I had spent so much time before my diagnosis being mad, having my illness finally validated was a great feeling. But six months later, the anger set in the pain management of the illness seemed to barely exist.”

Many people are familiar with the book “On Death and Dying,” written by a well-known doctor in Switzerland, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The book explains how people deal with any kind of loss, but especially that which they face when coping with an illness. It includes a description of the cycle of emotional stages that people go through in dealing with loss. Anger is the third stage, following the stage of shock and denial.

Anger is a natural reaction to a diagnosis of chronic illness. Acknowledging the feelings and working through them is a part of the cycle of mourning and grief. And any loss in life requires us to go through a time of mourning, especially the losses of our dreams when we find out or body will never be the same.

Admitting that we have deep emotions about the losses is part of the mourning process. The stages of the grief process differ for each person and how much time is spent there. You may find you breezed through the anger phase the first year for illness, but the second year when you lose another ability, you are angry for months.

Cheryl, who lives with diabetes, shares, “For the longest time the disease was just an annoyance, but once I had to start checking my blood sugar ten times a day and watching every bite I ate, I got angry. I lashed out at everyone, even my husband and daughter. I was so jealous they could eat whatever they wanted and didn’t even appreciate it.”

One thing is certain: anger should come. If it has not, you may want to take a closer look at why.

“It is my observation,” says Linda Noble Topf, author of You are Not Your Illness, “that the absence of anger in the face of a serious illness suggests that we have already withdrawn from life, that we have relinquished our passion for living, that we are resigned and emotionally numb.”

When you are Christian it can feel shameful to even express that you have angry feelings. Too often Christians believe that their angry emotions are sinful and something that those with a great deal of faith never experience. They even believe that those feelings they do have are not even quote “allowed.” Have you ever experience some of these feelings?

• If my faith is strong enough, then I should trust that God is in control, so I shouldn’t be angry at what He has planned. Doesn’t anger show a lack in faith?
• If I tell other Christians about my angry feelings, and how frustrated I am with this disease, won’t they think I am weak in my walk with Christ?
• The Bible says, “Wise men shouldn’t anger.” I am far from being wise, but I still don’t want to disappoint God.
• I understand anger can lead to bitterness. So if I don’t admit I am angry, will I be a better Christian, focusing on just the positive stuff in life?

These feelings are not unusual, yet, they prevent us from coping with the grief that we are experiencing by the loss of our health and lifestyle.

Here are a few tips to guide you in dealing with anger.

1. Are you feeling angry? Acknowledge this emotion and then move on with life

It is easy to believe if we bury our anger we will become a stronger person. Topf recommends, “Think of anger as a resource that you can learn to harness and refine for your own benefit.” By claiming your feelings you can reclaim your personal identity and your true emotions about the situation.

In the Bible the story of Job shows how he became angry at the events in his life (including the outbreak of sores all over his body). He even cursed the day he was born. As Job’s life went on, God bless him with even more material assets, family, and choice. Job told God, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful to know” (Job 42:3b). Through his anger and frustration, he eventually found wisdom and character. You can’t fake it through life or you will never benefit from this challenge you’ve been given

2. It is all right to have angry feelings

God designed us to feel a wide variety of emotions and one of these is anger. There are numerous instances in the Bible where Scripture specifically tells us about how even God got mad. What does the Bible tells about how to cope with our own angry feelings?

• “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:20).
• “Wise men turn away anger” (Proverbs 29:8b).
• “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).

God understands that anger is a part of our human instinct, but it should never become our lifestyle. Some people may point out that it takes anger to get things accomplished. Even Mothers against Drunk Drivers seem to have an appropriate acronym of “MADD.” Topf says, “We discover that anger is first and foremost a demand for change.” Some would argue that the attitude of “I’m-not-going-to-take-it-any-more” has been the beginning of great changes in our history. And this is true, but the key is not to get stuck in that anger phase for the rest of your life.

In Amos 1:11, God says, “I will not turn back my wrath… because his anger raged continually.” God isn’t upset because of the presence of anger, but because the anger was continuous. God calls us to put our focus on Him and try to make a difference that will bring glory to Him.

3. Walk alongside God and He will walk with you through the anger

In the Bible, David experienced this promise and wrote, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me” (Psalm 138:7). God is always waiting for you to stretch out your hand to Him, especially when in anger reigns. He will protect you from using it unwisely.

“I’m still dealing with anger toward this illness, after eight years of being sick,” shares a woman who lives with fibromyalgia, Peggy says, “Each time I experience a new limitation, I get angry all over again. But as I learn to cope with living with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, and the limitations it places on my activities, I expect God’s perfect grace. I pray that He will become slow to anger, as I am depending on the scripture, ‘The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love’” (Psalm 103:8).

Coping effectively with anger will be a challenge we deal with for the rest of our lives. Some of the most vital guidance to cope with it is in a scripture that I point to in my book, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why where I steer one through emotions of bitterness, jealousy and anger that accompanies illness. Hosea 7:13b-14 says: God says, “I long to redeem [you] but. . . [you] do not cry out to Me from [your] hearts, but wait upon [your] beds.” So don’t flop down on your bed and wail “Why is this happening to me?” Instead pour out your heart to the Lord and merely ask Him for help.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.