By Leslie Vernick

Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when you want to (or should) say “no”? For example, several years back, a graduate student asked me if I thought she would make a good counselor. I knew her gifts weren’t strongest in that area, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She left our conversation believing I thought she was capable.

We all do it. We say “yes” when our honest response should be “no.” But let’s take a look at the cost of being too nice.

We Hurt People

It amazes me how unaware we are of how we injure people by being too nice. Isn’t that why we’re nice to begin with? We don’t want to hurt people? When I wasn’t completely honest with my intern, I unintentionally hurt her. She spent time, energy, and money pursuing a career that didn’t reflect her true calling.

In another example, Lydia worked hard to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mother. But the more she gave, the more her husband and children took, with little concern or even awareness of Lydia’s needs.

Lydia became exhausted caring for everyone with no one giving back to her. Over time, Lydia’s niceness enabled her family to become more and more self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish. Lydia didn’t mean to, but she weakened her husband and children by not inviting them into a more reciprocal relationship.

Here’s another way we wound people by being too nice. Debbie was a new believer who attended Nancy’s Bible study at church. Debbie began phoning Nancy at home, asking a question or wanting to talk something through.

Debbie always took Nancy’s calls, but soon grew weary. She didn’t want to discourage her new friend, but found her neediness overwhelming. Instead of being more honest with Debbie and setting a better schedule for phone calls, Nancy started using her caller ID to screen her calls. Eventually Debbie caught on and felt hurt and abandoned. Nancy’s niceness gave Debbie the impression that she was always available any time night or day.

When we are too nice and fail to set appropriate boundaries, we may not mean to, but we hurt people. The only person who can be always available without getting crabby or tired is God. Don’t try to do his job. You will fail every time and the other person will get hurt.

We Hurt Ourselves

There is nothing unbiblical about being wise with who you give yourself to. While in college, Sharon took a walk with a young man she wasn’t attracted to, nor was she very comfortable with. She said yes because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying “no thanks”. During their walk, he sexually assaulted her. Every day she deeply regrets that she was too nice.

It doesn’t have to be a dangerous or suspicious situation for us to learn to simply say “no thank you, I can’t,” or “I don’t want to.” We all have limited resources of time, energy, and money. When we allow others to take from our resources without limits, it’s like giving them unrestricted access to our checking account and then feeling angry when we’re constantly overdrawn.

If giving to someone hurts you, count the cost. Sometimes it’s appropriate to sacrifice yourself for another, and other times it’s foolish. Jesus tells a story about five women who refused to share their lamp oil with five others who did not bring enough for themselves. Instead of rebuking these women for being stingy, Jesus called them wise (Mathew 25:1-13).

We Miss God’s Best

Each day there are endless things and people that clamor for our attention. Oswald Chambers reminds us that “the great enemy of the life of faith is the good that is not good enough.” Don’t allow other people to set your values, your schedule, or your priorities.

Many people asked Jesus to do things for them, but Jesus always looked for what God wanted first–even if it meant disappointing people. (See Mark 1:29-38 or John 11:1-6.) When we are too nice and passively accommodate others, we could very well miss God’s best.

How Do I Make Good Choices About This?

Finally, here are some steps to help you stop being too nice:

1. Understand that nice isn’t one of the fruits of the Spirit. Being kind doesn’t mean you always say “yes.” It means that you learn to say “no” kindly.

2. Before you say “yes,” stop and say, “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you.” This will give you time to think through whether you’re being too nice or if you really feel led to do it.

3. Let go of guilt. You can’t be all things to all people nor do everything people want. Jesus was perfect, and he still disappointed people.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose. Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

Note from Lisa:

When we live with illness we can easily feel guilty about all that we cannot do, perhaps how our family misses out on things because of our disease. To compensate, it is easy to give in to everything they want that we are “somewhat” capable of. I say somewhat because just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

For example, I have been trying to encourage my family members to pick up after themselves better, so that I don’t have to do so much of this, so I have leftover energy to do fun things with them or make healthy (not last minute) dinners.

I know it is easier to talk about then it is to put into place. How could you “stop being nice” to help improve not only your life, but the life of those around you?

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

By Leslie Vernick

When someone hurts us, is foolish, or sins against us, the consequences of their behaviors often impact us more than the other person.

Anger, bitterness and resentment can be the result. Even when someone hasn’t intentionally inflicted harm, these negative emotions creep into our spirits and are hard to get rid of.

Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself stuck in resentment.

1. Ask yourself what purpose do these negative emotions serve?

Is it payback? Is it an attitude of I get to be right?

Or, is it that you haven’t been able or willing to forgive

Or, perhaps it is an indicator that you’re angry and need to have a conversation with someone who has sinned against you in order to bring healing to the relationship.

2. Recognize that you are not a helpless “victim” of your own emotional life.

The Apostle Paul says to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31:32 (NIV)

And Ecclesiastes 11:10 says, “Remove vexation from your heart.” (ESV)

It’s important we acknowledge we have an important part to play if we want to let go of negative feelings.

3. In order to let go of negative emotions you have to want to. If you’re struggling with the willingness, ask yourself these two (2) questions.

(a) What will it cost me to hold on to them?

(b) What will it cost my marriage (or relationship) if I hang on to them?

4. Here are two (2) specific steps you can take to begin to let go of resentment as well as other negative emotions.

Externalize your negative emotion: We often over identify with our emotions as if they are us. One way to break this habit is to pay attention to how we talk about our feelings.

For example, instead of saying “I am resentful”, say it this way, “I’m aware that I am feeling resentful.”

It’s important to realize that YOU are not your feelings. When you give yourself a bit of space by saying it this new way, you now can do something about your resentment. In other words you have your resentment instead of your resentment having you.

Once you’re aware you’re feeling those emotions and no longer want to, choose to practice the opposite virtue.

When the apostle Paul tells us to get rid of these negative feelings, he doesn’t stop there. He then tells us to be kind, compassionate and forgiving.

When we don’t want to feel our negative feelings, actually doing something opposite to them coupled with a genuine heart, helps get rid of them.

We remove a bad feeling when we replace it with another feeling. It’s impossible to feel two opposite feelings (such as anger and compassion, or complaining and gratitude) at the same time.

Practicing the opposite virtue helps you not allow your temporary emotional state to dictate how you live or how you will treat someone. Instead you choose to treat another person out of who you are (or want to become) rather than how you feel in any particular moment. This practice will help release the negative emotions you no longer want to feel and replace them with joy and peace.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

Karlton wrote him back and then sent a copy of the letter to us to see if we would be interested in reprinting it here at Rest Ministries.

I hope you will read it and comment below on what you agree with, disagree with, your experience and more. What advice would you give someone who has just been diagnosed with an illness that may last his or her lifetime?

A Letter to One Afflicted With Illness (From One Who is Also Afflicted)

I think most of my life with illness I have felt it is a battle the Lord and I have fought alone. Beyond praying with me and a bit of encouragement, my little church has only helped me by being there to provide a place for me to worship God.

As for family, my family has helped and encouraged where they could, but they can only do so much, and while they would help me with the burden of illness, I soon learned that if I could not carry it myself, I should not expect them to be able to carry it either. Ultimately, I must give it to the Lord and learn to depend upon Him to help me through the affliction.

It is good that you are getting counseling. To be quite frank, most churches are ill-equipped, ill-prepared, and simply without resources or the ability to provide serious counselling. And some churches are not good at counseling because they have an
out-of-touch-with-reality attitude towards illness and the ill.

As far as people avoiding you, I have experienced that most people at heart are cowards when it comes to illness. They don’t like reminders that it could be them that is afflicted and that some day they might have to endure a similar problem. And some church people live with their heads in the clouds and don’t want to face real problems, they use God and church to live in a state of denial about real hardship.

Of course, our Lord did not run from illness or the afflicted, just the opposite, and I’ve found when all else fails, I can depend upon Him for the grace and wisdom to see me through.

I think over time you will get both stronger and wiser as you learn to rely upon the Lord. Accept help from others, and receive their encouragement, but I suspect you will put down deeper roots in your walk with the Lord as He enables you to grow spiritually. I pray things will get better and better for you.

Karlton Douglas

One dear-lady on one of the prayer forums I visit requested prayer for her church and a member of this church. This church-member suffers from Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, one of the illnesses we refer to as an “invisible illness” because we can not actually see the results of the damage this illness can cause. Since there is little known about this disorder, the church members took it upon themselves to intervene and try to heal this member in their own way.

Rather than offering support and prayer, they offered her what they assumed was a “sure-fire”cure.

They felt that this lady was not “physically” ill as she had said but rather suffering from sin in her life. They offered her a book that has chemicals on it to help her overcome her problems. The idea is basically that the more she smells the chemicals in this book, the more she will realize that her illness is and has been all in her imagination.

It always breaks my heart when others pass judgment on those who are in pain. . .
Well-meaning church-members assume they have the answers.
Well-meaning friends offer their cures, remedies and advice.
Well-meaning family members don’t understand why we are in pain.

Soon, we find ourselves questioning our life and illness and wondering if sin has been the reason we suffer so. In John chapter nine, we see a similar situation. The disciples saw a blind man. This blind man had suffered all of his life. The disciples ask Jesus who had sinned, him or his parents that he might have such an affliction. Jesus replied neither had sinned.

You see, it does not please God that we suffer, The Lord desires only the best for us, but the Lord can see past our pain in this temporary life to the eternal gain we will someday receive. This man’s weakness was displaying his spiritual strength, by relying on the Lord to work through him.God’s grace was the power for this blind man to endure his burden. He was strengthened as he relied on the strength of the Lord in his life. God’s powerful grace is more real to us in our sufferings. God’s glory could be demonstrated by working through the human weakness.

I know that when my pain is deep and intense and I am so troubled, despaired and alone, I would like to have an interceding friend who is concerned enough to pray for me and with me.

I would like a friend who would listen and understand.
I have that friend today in Jesus.
He is a friend I can always turn to.
He understands me through and through.
What kind of a friend are you today?

Can you intercede for another in pain? Perhaps you need prayer and understanding today in your own life. Remember precious one, you are so loved today and you are not alone. The Lord does understand and He knows your pain.

Dear Lord: Thank You for reminding us it is not our fault that we suffer so. Please help us to forgive ourselves and take away any guilt that is misplaced. You demonstrated in Your Word that this world offers pain because the world is flawed, but that we as individuals are not at fault when illness strikes. We can be blessed and assured that you understand the pain we are in and we are grateful to find any relief through You and Your Word! Thank you, Lord. Amen.

About the author:
Deborah Farmer suffers daily from a few of those invisible illnesses. She desires that everyone in pain today feel the loving arms of a Savior who understands and loves them. Deborah offers her prayers and hugs to you today!

You can now read this on your Kindle. Find out more at http://TodaysDevotionOnKindle.com

Have you ever been hurt by a well-meaning person who offered a quick cure or solution to your physical ailments? Did you hurt about it even more than your loved ones would have expected? How have you used this experience to respond differently when you are encouraging another person who is suffering?

Hi, Sandy, I can hear the pain in your words. I am going to assume since you wrote to me you are asking for some kind of advice, so here is my best 2-cents.

Ask yourself, “What would the perfect response to my post be?” When we say we want people to “listen” and yet we are typing our posts out online, there are 4 ways people can respond. It’s different than having a friend who is sitting there beside us holding the tissue box.

[1] They just read it, send up a prayer, and since you don’t want advice, they choose not to post anything. This can seem like no one is reading your post, or if they are, no one cares enough to comment and encourage you.

[2] They write something simple like, “I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will pray for you.” This can be interpreted, if one chooses, as being “blown off” and not being given enough of one’s effort or time to write a personal response. Since these are people who live in just as much pain as you do, I am sure you can understand how limited energy and physical time spent on a computer can be. They often feel it’s best to respond with something, then with nothing at all, even if it’s brief.

[3] Someone may respond with, “I understand what you are going through. Here is how our stories are unique . . .” and then they share their story. This can be interpreted as it being “all about them” and not you or your situation. But they are often trying to find a common thread and share how they made it through a tough time, in hopes that it will encourage you.

[4] They give advice. They want to help. They don’t really like options 1-3 above, so they’ve chosen to try to help you through this. This can be interpreted as them having it more together than you, or as if they are trying to fix it for you with a “quick fix.” They usually have the best of intentions.

As you can see from the 4 options above, all can come with the best of intentions, and yet they can all be misinterpreted as something else if we choose to see it that way.

Or, “I’m sometimes sensitive to people giving me advice, yet I am desperate enough that I am looking for suggestions on how you think I should handle this situation.”

Support groups are kind of like our families. No one is perfect, everyone is hurting. Even those we love the most will not always respond the way we’d like. I am sure I don’t always respond the way some people would like. But I do the best I can. That is all I can do.

Most of us are looking for a place where our needs can be met, rather than looking around to see who has a need where we may be able to help. I know that is can be exhausting to reach out to others when you are not feeling well, but I began Rest Ministries in 1997 and have reached out to others nearly every day since, even when my pain level was at its worst. I try to live by Proverbs 11:25 “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I can assure you that this really happens!

Next time you feel a bit frustrated over the lack of a response, reach out to another person just because. Do it for the Lord. You may not even get a response. It may surprise you that some of the newsletters Rest Ministries sends out are opened by just 25% of our subscribers. Hundreds of devotionals have ZERO comments. But eventually we hear from many, many people, that even when they were silent, God was encouraging them through Rest Ministries. I hope this encourages you!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. To increse communication between churches and individuals, see her new “Beyond Casseroles” DVD.

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I have read in some places online that many people who have a chronic illness were abused in their childhood. I know many were not, but I am one of the ones who was. I will never know for sure if the illness I have was “caused” by the stress of me trying to cope with my history, or the bitterness it caused in my heart eating away (literally!) at my body, but I know I need to figure out a way to let go of the bitterness. My father is no longer on this earth and my mom and I have a very weak relationship. I am not sure I want more. But where do I go from here?”
Belinda, who doesn’t want to be “Bitter Belinda”

Belinda,

It’s true that studies have shown that sometimes chronic illness can be more prevalent among adults who suffered abuse as a child. Yet, one does not need to have suffered this to have an illness. I am so sorry for the experiences you have had, endures, and how it has followed you into your adulthood.

My friend, Linda Newton, wrote about forgiveness in her book, “12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ” and I asked her if I could share her recent excerpt on “The Healing Power of Forgiveness.”

LINDA NEWTON Answers– Have you ever had to forgive someone who you felt didn’t deserve to be forgiven? As a pastoral counselor for the past twenty years, I have encountered many damaged people who struggle to forgive because they don’t feel like their offender deserves to be let off the hook? After experiencing chronic abuse at the hands my own mother, I can understand those feelings. I am grateful that Lord has strategically led me on a path to forgive. If you are struggling to let go of damaging offenses, perhaps these insights will help you as they have helped me.

Not long after I identified the bitterness that was holding me hostage, a gentle-hearted lady named Iris came to share with our small group at church. Iris opened up about the sexual abuse she sustained from her natural father and declared, “Forgiveness doesn’t make your offender right; it just makes you free.” While that profound statement started me on my path out of bitterness, forgiving my mother for all of her unfair abuse seemed like too much for God to ask of me. When it came to whole-hearted forgiveness, I was skeptical but seeking, so I opened up the Bible to see what God’s Word had to say.

In Matthew, I read the words of Jesus, “For if you forgive others their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). How harsh, I thought, until I read what Richard Foster had to say about this verse. In his book Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home Foster asks, “Why is this? It is not that God begrudges His forgiveness, nor is it so hard to get God to forgive that we must demonstrate good faith by showing how well we can first forgive others. No, not at all.”

“It is simply that by the very nature of the created order we must give in order to receive. I cannot, for instance, receive love if I do not give love. People may try to offer me love, but if resentment and vindictiveness fill my heart, their offers will roll off of me like water of a duck’s back. It my fists are clenched and my arms folded tightly around myself, I cannot hold anything.”

“But once I give love, I am a candidate for receiving love. Once I open my hands, I can receive. As Saint Augustine says, ‘God gives where He finds empty hands.’”

In their book, Mood Swings, the authors Arterburn, and Minierth offered even further understanding.

“Choosing not to forgive allows others to continue to abuse as we endlessly relive their offenses.” They were right. I was continuing the abuse as I ruminated about the resentment over and over again. I learned in recovery that “Resentment is me drinking poison and hoping you die.”

When I stopped drinking from the toxic well of bitterness and self-pity, I had room in my life for healing and peace.

On my journey to forgive, I recognized that I had to clear the air with God and forgive Him too. When I was honest, I recognized I was angry at Him for not giving me an easier life. My resentment with God was subtle. After all, He’s God. But it kept me from moving forward in my Christian walk. When I let Him off the hook, I stopped distancing from the only One who could truly help me. Only then was I ready to realize all my pain had taught me.

Learning to forgive taught me to recognize God’s restoration. That was illustrated for me as I sat in my office listening to a lady from church share her story. Sarah Ann’s life of abuse and neglect made my story sound like a picnic in the park by comparison. As we cried and prayed together, she looked up from her Kleenex(R) and made a remark that stabbed me awake. Sarah Ann said, “I’m so glad you’ve had pain in your life, Linda, because I know that you can understand what I’ve been through. I’ve never been able to share any of this with another Christian before, much less a pastor’s wife. But I can tell you all of this crazy stuff because I knew you’d get it.”

After she left, for the first time in my life, I got on my knees and thanked God for my pain. I thanked Him for the empathy I had for Sarah Ann and so many others because I did get it. And the blessing of helping people access the abundant life God has for them, fills my tank to overflowing. I wouldn’t trade my pain for easy street because of all it has taught me. Iris was right; finding forgiveness has set me free.

Adapted from 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ, Linda Newton,

Linda Newton’s contagious enthusiasm and engaging storytelling brings God’s Word to life. With authentic transparency and down-home humor she shares how God transformed heartbreak in her life into hope from her book 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise published by Warner Press. She has currently written 2 new devotional books, Better Than Jewels: 31 Days of Biblical Insight for a Woman Seeking God based on the book of Proverbs, and Sapphires From Psalms currently on sale now. For more encouragement read Linda’s blog, “Savvy Choices.”

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

Those we love don’t always understand this. And though we know we cannot change other people, if those who love us do want to know what encourages us or what makes us feel like throwing something across the room, these tips can be helpful, right?

Well, along comes a booklet that tons of people have said, “This is the best book I’ve ever read…” “But You LOOK Good: A Guide to Understanding and Encouraging People with Chronic, Debilitating Illness and Pain!” is by Sherri Connell, wife of Wayne Connell of Invisible Disabilities Association (formerly “Advocate”) who will be a special guest on our Invisible Illness Week panel tomorrow.

It is a 52-page booklet that gives those living with chronic illness and pain a voice about how they feel, what they need and how others can be an encouragement to them. We don’t always know what we feel, why we feel the way we do, or how to communicate it with others. So this booklet is an easy informative way to educate loved ones about what rolloer-coaster emotions you are going through.

It is easy to read, gives practical ideas on how loved ones can be supportive and is not too long for readers to lose interest!

And even if you never give this booklet to anyone, it will help you if you are ill, to put some of your mixed up emotions into words.

This booklet gets to the heart of why our friends and family have difficulty with understanding ongoing illness and pain. It serves as a tool to help explain to loved ones how extreme fatigue, pain, dizziness, cognitive impairments and other symptoms can be limiting, even though the person may not “look” sick or in pain.

The booklet dives into “What to say,” “What not to say” and “Why,” along with “How to help.” Often loved ones are enlightened as to why their well-meaning advice is not always well-received. It is cherished by both those living with illness or injury, as well as those who love them!

Visit our Comfort Zone bookstore to read the complete table of contents . An example of the sections include:

• So, They Have “Good” & “Bad” Days, Right?
• What If They Start “Giving In” To The Illness?
• But, I Just Do Not Understand!
• I’m Always Saying The Wrong Thing!
• Couldn’t I just Try To Cheer Them Up?
• But I Really Think My Suggestions Are Helpful!

“But You LOOK Good” gets to the heart of why our friends and family have difficulty with our illness. Often loved ones are enlightened as to why their well-meaning advice is not always well-received. Moreover, it gives them simple, pragmatic ways to truly be an encouragement.

Get “But You LOOK Good” for just $6.50 today! All purchases help support Rest Ministries.

“I just finished reading your booklet and feel like bawling in relief that you have identified and eloquently described what is helpful and what is not for people with chronic illness. You put into words what I have felt for 20 years! Now I can pass this information on to my family and friends and others who suffer.” – Sandy, Colorado

Not By Sight

It gives them simple, pragmatic examples of “What to say” & “What not to say” in order to truly be a source of encouragement. This book is written by Sherri O’Connell, co-founder of Invisible Disabilities Advocate. It is full of Scripture & quotes from physicians who specialize in chronic conditions & many would say it should be a “must have” for all believers, church staff & ministry leaders.

Read more here at our bookstore chronicillnessbooks.com

New Study Finds Clergy Dismiss Depression, Anxiety The Most Often
Released: 9/30/2009 11:50 AM EDT
Source: Baylor University

Newswise — In 2008, a Baylor University study found nearly a third of those who approached their local church for assistance in response to a personal or family member’s diagnosed mental illness were told by their church pastor that they or their loved one did not really have a mental illness. Baylor researchers have now built upon that research & have found that depression & anxiety are the mental illnesses that are dismissed the most often.

Research consistently shows that clergy – not psychologists or other mental health experts – are the most common source of help sought in times of psychological distress.

The Baylor researchers surveyed 168 pastors affiliated with the Baptist General Convention of Texas (BGCT). As a whole, the sample consisted of large, affluent congregations in suburban settings with senior pastors who were highly educated, predominately Caucasian & theologically conservative.

The Baylor study found that despite recognizing a biological basis to all mental illness, the views of the BGCT pastors surveyed vary across disorders in how much they believe environmental or spiritual factors, such as personal sin, lack of faith or demonic involvement, play a role.

Major depressive disorders & anxiety disorders were viewed by pastors as having greater environmental & spiritual involvement & were more often dismissed than the more “severe” mental illnesses like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. The study also found that pastors viewed inconsistent parenting as the main driving force behind AD/HD. Pastors viewed medication as more effective in disorders seen as predominately biological, compared to those with greater environmental or spiritual involvement.

“The results are troubling because the demographic of this sample is considered to have the most & easiest access to mental health care, but yet, by their admission, they seem unwilling to access mental health care that is available to their congregants,” said Dr. Matthew Stanford, professor of psychology & neuroscience at Baylor, who led the study. “A majority of them also do not believe they come into contact with very many congregants that have a legitimate mental illness, however we know roughly one in four Americans will be diagnosed with a mental illness this year, making it likely that they will come in contact with it.”

In addition, the study found for those congregants with mental illness, the BGCT pastors surveyed were reluctant to refer to mental health professionals who the pastors perceived or knew not to be Christian. When a mental health professional was known to be a Christian, the likelihood of referral by pastors was much higher. Source: NewsWise

After a batch of expensive tests, the doctors couldn’t — & still don’t — agree. While they are scratching their heads, the elders anointed me & prayed for my healing — twice — & I am trying everything in my power while the problem persists.

Like Paul, I have asked the Lord that this “thorn in my flesh” be taken from me. As He told Paul, He has answered me, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

Humph! Hardly the answer I want to hear!

Here is where the rubber meets the road for every leader & me: Who is REALLY in control of my life, ministry, & gifts? And who is in charge of yours?

It is when we are are painfully & continually poked by thorns in the flesh that our determination to be obedient to God’s call is tested & displayed. When we have an uncooperative person on our ministry board tying every meeting into knots; when no one will watch the nursery; when we are criticized for bringing less-than-desirable people into the church; when our budget is stymied by the shortsighted; when we can’t get anything done because we’ve lost control, it is tempting — oh, so tempting! — to yank out the thorn & quit.

But if we are called to a task, we are called to it, regardless of who or what st&s in the way — even if it is our own physical limitations.

“My grace is sufficient” — It’s a lovely piece of prose, but it’s meaning is so large that it is a slippery life preserver for the desperate.

However, here’s a h&le I’ve found through my own storm:

A can-do attitude is a wonderful thing. But it also masks arrogance, especially when the battle we are fighting is a spiritual one & we are more proficient with our natural talents.

• Spiritual battles require much different weapons, leadership, attitudes, vision, talents, & gifts.
• Spiritual confrontation requires practice but you won’t get it if you are relying on your own natural talent.

When the Lord gives us as leaders a thorn in the flesh, He is reminding us that we are to develop spiritual weaponry skill by knowledge of & connection to Him. He’s made it a little easier for us to do this because we not only won’t rely on our unreliable selves, we no longer can.

In the midst of the hopeless, drowning feeling associated with loss, we have His promise: His grace — or Divine endorsement — will make up for our personal deficits.

And that’s a h&le we can all hang on to no matter what our limitations may be.

Rebekah Montgomery, author/speaker/teacher, is a gifted, dynamic communicator. She is the author of more than five books & has penned 1,100 articles. She shares tough real-life topics & biblical application in a simple easy to grasp manner. To book Rebekah for your next event visit www.rebekahmontgomery.com. Rebekah is also the editor of Right to the Heart of Women & a publisher at Jubilant Press.© Rebekah Montgomery 2009.