One dear-lady on one of the prayer forums I visit requested prayer for her church and a member of this church. This church-member suffers from Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, one of the illnesses we refer to as an “invisible illness” because we can not actually see the results of the damage this illness can cause. Since there is little known about this disorder, the church members took it upon themselves to intervene and try to heal this member in their own way.

Rather than offering support and prayer, they offered her what they assumed was a “sure-fire”cure.

They felt that this lady was not “physically” ill as she had said but rather suffering from sin in her life. They offered her a book that has chemicals on it to help her overcome her problems. The idea is basically that the more she smells the chemicals in this book, the more she will realize that her illness is and has been all in her imagination.

It always breaks my heart when others pass judgment on those who are in pain. . .
Well-meaning church-members assume they have the answers.
Well-meaning friends offer their cures, remedies and advice.
Well-meaning family members don’t understand why we are in pain.

Soon, we find ourselves questioning our life and illness and wondering if sin has been the reason we suffer so. In John chapter nine, we see a similar situation. The disciples saw a blind man. This blind man had suffered all of his life. The disciples ask Jesus who had sinned, him or his parents that he might have such an affliction. Jesus replied neither had sinned.

You see, it does not please God that we suffer, The Lord desires only the best for us, but the Lord can see past our pain in this temporary life to the eternal gain we will someday receive. This man’s weakness was displaying his spiritual strength, by relying on the Lord to work through him.God’s grace was the power for this blind man to endure his burden. He was strengthened as he relied on the strength of the Lord in his life. God’s powerful grace is more real to us in our sufferings. God’s glory could be demonstrated by working through the human weakness.

I know that when my pain is deep and intense and I am so troubled, despaired and alone, I would like to have an interceding friend who is concerned enough to pray for me and with me.

I would like a friend who would listen and understand.
I have that friend today in Jesus.
He is a friend I can always turn to.
He understands me through and through.
What kind of a friend are you today?

Can you intercede for another in pain? Perhaps you need prayer and understanding today in your own life. Remember precious one, you are so loved today and you are not alone. The Lord does understand and He knows your pain.

Dear Lord: Thank You for reminding us it is not our fault that we suffer so. Please help us to forgive ourselves and take away any guilt that is misplaced. You demonstrated in Your Word that this world offers pain because the world is flawed, but that we as individuals are not at fault when illness strikes. We can be blessed and assured that you understand the pain we are in and we are grateful to find any relief through You and Your Word! Thank you, Lord. Amen.

About the author:
Deborah Farmer suffers daily from a few of those invisible illnesses. She desires that everyone in pain today feel the loving arms of a Savior who understands and loves them. Deborah offers her prayers and hugs to you today!

You can now read this on your Kindle. Find out more at http://TodaysDevotionOnKindle.com

Have you ever been hurt by a well-meaning person who offered a quick cure or solution to your physical ailments? Did you hurt about it even more than your loved ones would have expected? How have you used this experience to respond differently when you are encouraging another person who is suffering?

Shannon Dingle

Last month, my church hosted a large women’s conference. We put it on every other year, and it is truly a blessing. I really loved our musicians this time and enjoyed worshiping with other women from different churches and neighborhoods and backgrounds. Such a sweet glimpse of what heaven–plus men and children, of course–has in store for us!

It was especially sweet to have this time, while my sweet husband was home with our two preschoolers, because I was in pain that weekend. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and my IV meds had worn off with three weeks before the next dose. Some movements gave me the sensation of needles in my joints, which isn’t so pleasant (and some lack of movement did the same, but there wasn’t anything I could do about that).

So my heart sank a little when the vocalist said these words: “Lift your hands if you really love Jesus.”

But I couldn’t.

And it hurt in more than a physical way for a moment. “…if you really love Jesus” was the question posed, so just about every hand in the room went up. And mine couldn’t.

And I felt conspicuous.

Was it wrong for her to say what she did? Not even a little bit. But I couldn’t show my love for Jesus in the way she asked. My heart was praising still, but it was a little wounded at the same time.

How often each week in our churches are we doing nothing technically wrong but still wounding people? It’s not about doing the right thing, y’all. (And, for the record, I clearly consider the use of “y’all” to be the right thing, only second to “all y’all” in a large group setting. Just sayin’.)

It’s about being so wholly resting in Christ–even in the midst of activity–that we reflect Him to the wounded (including into our own wounded places). And it’s about knowing that we sometimes ask people to show their love for Jesus in ways that they can’t. How can we let each person show their love for Jesus in the ways that he is able, in the ways that God designed for her to do so?

The next song at that conference was Blessed Be Your Name, which is a favorite of mine. And her next statement was, “If you love Jesus, give me a hearty amen!”

And I was glad to do so.

Shannon Dingle (MAEd) is wife to Lee, mom to two preschoolers, and Access Ministry coordinator at Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. She is passionate about sharing the gospel of Christ with all people, including those with special needs, and equipping churches to do so. She writes about that at www.theworksofgoddisplayed.com, and she is a contributor to the Treasuring Christ Curriculum. The other passions that captivate her are coffee, books, her children’s giggles, and her husband’s smile.

Hi, Sandy, I can hear the pain in your words. I am going to assume since you wrote to me you are asking for some kind of advice, so here is my best 2-cents.

Ask yourself, “What would the perfect response to my post be?” When we say we want people to “listen” and yet we are typing our posts out online, there are 4 ways people can respond. It’s different than having a friend who is sitting there beside us holding the tissue box.

[1] They just read it, send up a prayer, and since you don’t want advice, they choose not to post anything. This can seem like no one is reading your post, or if they are, no one cares enough to comment and encourage you.

[2] They write something simple like, “I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will pray for you.” This can be interpreted, if one chooses, as being “blown off” and not being given enough of one’s effort or time to write a personal response. Since these are people who live in just as much pain as you do, I am sure you can understand how limited energy and physical time spent on a computer can be. They often feel it’s best to respond with something, then with nothing at all, even if it’s brief.

[3] Someone may respond with, “I understand what you are going through. Here is how our stories are unique . . .” and then they share their story. This can be interpreted as it being “all about them” and not you or your situation. But they are often trying to find a common thread and share how they made it through a tough time, in hopes that it will encourage you.

[4] They give advice. They want to help. They don’t really like options 1-3 above, so they’ve chosen to try to help you through this. This can be interpreted as them having it more together than you, or as if they are trying to fix it for you with a “quick fix.” They usually have the best of intentions.

As you can see from the 4 options above, all can come with the best of intentions, and yet they can all be misinterpreted as something else if we choose to see it that way.

Or, “I’m sometimes sensitive to people giving me advice, yet I am desperate enough that I am looking for suggestions on how you think I should handle this situation.”

Support groups are kind of like our families. No one is perfect, everyone is hurting. Even those we love the most will not always respond the way we’d like. I am sure I don’t always respond the way some people would like. But I do the best I can. That is all I can do.

Most of us are looking for a place where our needs can be met, rather than looking around to see who has a need where we may be able to help. I know that is can be exhausting to reach out to others when you are not feeling well, but I began Rest Ministries in 1997 and have reached out to others nearly every day since, even when my pain level was at its worst. I try to live by Proverbs 11:25 “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I can assure you that this really happens!

Next time you feel a bit frustrated over the lack of a response, reach out to another person just because. Do it for the Lord. You may not even get a response. It may surprise you that some of the newsletters Rest Ministries sends out are opened by just 25% of our subscribers. Hundreds of devotionals have ZERO comments. But eventually we hear from many, many people, that even when they were silent, God was encouraging them through Rest Ministries. I hope this encourages you!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. To increse communication between churches and individuals, see her new “Beyond Casseroles” DVD.

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I have read in some places online that many people who have a chronic illness were abused in their childhood. I know many were not, but I am one of the ones who was. I will never know for sure if the illness I have was “caused” by the stress of me trying to cope with my history, or the bitterness it caused in my heart eating away (literally!) at my body, but I know I need to figure out a way to let go of the bitterness. My father is no longer on this earth and my mom and I have a very weak relationship. I am not sure I want more. But where do I go from here?”
Belinda, who doesn’t want to be “Bitter Belinda”

Belinda,

It’s true that studies have shown that sometimes chronic illness can be more prevalent among adults who suffered abuse as a child. Yet, one does not need to have suffered this to have an illness. I am so sorry for the experiences you have had, endures, and how it has followed you into your adulthood.

My friend, Linda Newton, wrote about forgiveness in her book, “12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ” and I asked her if I could share her recent excerpt on “The Healing Power of Forgiveness.”

LINDA NEWTON Answers– Have you ever had to forgive someone who you felt didn’t deserve to be forgiven? As a pastoral counselor for the past twenty years, I have encountered many damaged people who struggle to forgive because they don’t feel like their offender deserves to be let off the hook? After experiencing chronic abuse at the hands my own mother, I can understand those feelings. I am grateful that Lord has strategically led me on a path to forgive. If you are struggling to let go of damaging offenses, perhaps these insights will help you as they have helped me.

Not long after I identified the bitterness that was holding me hostage, a gentle-hearted lady named Iris came to share with our small group at church. Iris opened up about the sexual abuse she sustained from her natural father and declared, “Forgiveness doesn’t make your offender right; it just makes you free.” While that profound statement started me on my path out of bitterness, forgiving my mother for all of her unfair abuse seemed like too much for God to ask of me. When it came to whole-hearted forgiveness, I was skeptical but seeking, so I opened up the Bible to see what God’s Word had to say.

In Matthew, I read the words of Jesus, “For if you forgive others their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). How harsh, I thought, until I read what Richard Foster had to say about this verse. In his book Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home Foster asks, “Why is this? It is not that God begrudges His forgiveness, nor is it so hard to get God to forgive that we must demonstrate good faith by showing how well we can first forgive others. No, not at all.”

“It is simply that by the very nature of the created order we must give in order to receive. I cannot, for instance, receive love if I do not give love. People may try to offer me love, but if resentment and vindictiveness fill my heart, their offers will roll off of me like water of a duck’s back. It my fists are clenched and my arms folded tightly around myself, I cannot hold anything.”

“But once I give love, I am a candidate for receiving love. Once I open my hands, I can receive. As Saint Augustine says, ‘God gives where He finds empty hands.’”

In their book, Mood Swings, the authors Arterburn, and Minierth offered even further understanding.

“Choosing not to forgive allows others to continue to abuse as we endlessly relive their offenses.” They were right. I was continuing the abuse as I ruminated about the resentment over and over again. I learned in recovery that “Resentment is me drinking poison and hoping you die.”

When I stopped drinking from the toxic well of bitterness and self-pity, I had room in my life for healing and peace.

On my journey to forgive, I recognized that I had to clear the air with God and forgive Him too. When I was honest, I recognized I was angry at Him for not giving me an easier life. My resentment with God was subtle. After all, He’s God. But it kept me from moving forward in my Christian walk. When I let Him off the hook, I stopped distancing from the only One who could truly help me. Only then was I ready to realize all my pain had taught me.

Learning to forgive taught me to recognize God’s restoration. That was illustrated for me as I sat in my office listening to a lady from church share her story. Sarah Ann’s life of abuse and neglect made my story sound like a picnic in the park by comparison. As we cried and prayed together, she looked up from her Kleenex(R) and made a remark that stabbed me awake. Sarah Ann said, “I’m so glad you’ve had pain in your life, Linda, because I know that you can understand what I’ve been through. I’ve never been able to share any of this with another Christian before, much less a pastor’s wife. But I can tell you all of this crazy stuff because I knew you’d get it.”

After she left, for the first time in my life, I got on my knees and thanked God for my pain. I thanked Him for the empathy I had for Sarah Ann and so many others because I did get it. And the blessing of helping people access the abundant life God has for them, fills my tank to overflowing. I wouldn’t trade my pain for easy street because of all it has taught me. Iris was right; finding forgiveness has set me free.

Adapted from 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ, Linda Newton,

Linda Newton’s contagious enthusiasm and engaging storytelling brings God’s Word to life. With authentic transparency and down-home humor she shares how God transformed heartbreak in her life into hope from her book 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise published by Warner Press. She has currently written 2 new devotional books, Better Than Jewels: 31 Days of Biblical Insight for a Woman Seeking God based on the book of Proverbs, and Sapphires From Psalms currently on sale now. For more encouragement read Linda’s blog, “Savvy Choices.”

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

Those we love don’t always understand this. And though we know we cannot change other people, if those who love us do want to know what encourages us or what makes us feel like throwing something across the room, these tips can be helpful, right?

Well, along comes a booklet that tons of people have said, “This is the best book I’ve ever read…” “But You LOOK Good: A Guide to Understanding and Encouraging People with Chronic, Debilitating Illness and Pain!” is by Sherri Connell, wife of Wayne Connell of Invisible Disabilities Association (formerly “Advocate”) who will be a special guest on our Invisible Illness Week panel tomorrow.

It is a 52-page booklet that gives those living with chronic illness and pain a voice about how they feel, what they need and how others can be an encouragement to them. We don’t always know what we feel, why we feel the way we do, or how to communicate it with others. So this booklet is an easy informative way to educate loved ones about what rolloer-coaster emotions you are going through.

It is easy to read, gives practical ideas on how loved ones can be supportive and is not too long for readers to lose interest!

And even if you never give this booklet to anyone, it will help you if you are ill, to put some of your mixed up emotions into words.

This booklet gets to the heart of why our friends and family have difficulty with understanding ongoing illness and pain. It serves as a tool to help explain to loved ones how extreme fatigue, pain, dizziness, cognitive impairments and other symptoms can be limiting, even though the person may not “look” sick or in pain.

The booklet dives into “What to say,” “What not to say” and “Why,” along with “How to help.” Often loved ones are enlightened as to why their well-meaning advice is not always well-received. It is cherished by both those living with illness or injury, as well as those who love them!

Visit our Comfort Zone bookstore to read the complete table of contents . An example of the sections include:

• So, They Have “Good” & “Bad” Days, Right?
• What If They Start “Giving In” To The Illness?
• But, I Just Do Not Understand!
• I’m Always Saying The Wrong Thing!
• Couldn’t I just Try To Cheer Them Up?
• But I Really Think My Suggestions Are Helpful!

“But You LOOK Good” gets to the heart of why our friends and family have difficulty with our illness. Often loved ones are enlightened as to why their well-meaning advice is not always well-received. Moreover, it gives them simple, pragmatic ways to truly be an encouragement.

Get “But You LOOK Good” for just $6.50 today! All purchases help support Rest Ministries.

“I just finished reading your booklet and feel like bawling in relief that you have identified and eloquently described what is helpful and what is not for people with chronic illness. You put into words what I have felt for 20 years! Now I can pass this information on to my family and friends and others who suffer.” – Sandy, Colorado