I had just received the third pink slip in two weeks from the lab that said my payment was passed due. Over three times I had called and my insurance company had assured me that the lab work was covered and that they would mail out a check that afternoon. This time, when I finally got a representative on the telephone, I was polite but firm. I said that I wanted the problem taken care of immediately, and I wrote down her name and the supervisor’s name. It was time to get even more assertive.

Has assertiveness gotten a bad rap, however, among the chronically ill? Is it assumed that we won’t have the energy or stamina to fight all of the battles that we will face? When we do talk to someone in customer service, we are rarely taken absolutely seriously.

After all, isn’t it just the drugs that make us impatient and nit-picky about all of this insurance stuff? Has anyone ever brushed off your assertiveness simply by assuming, “She doesn’t have anything else to think about all day, so no wonder she’s upset!”? Or “She’s just taking her frustrations out on me because she has a chronic illness.”

When you imagine an assertive person, what comes to mind? Webster’s Dictionary says that assertiveness is “positive; affirming confidently; affirmative.” Too often we confuse assertiveness with aggression which is defined as “making assaults and unjustly attacking.” Most of us have had moments when we have slid into an aggressive mode, but assertiveness is based on one’s ability to confidently step forward.

Rather than becoming aggressive, I believe that the chronically ill often become burnt out on fighting and we simply avoid any conflict. Who has the energy to fight for our rights? Next time a situation arises where you may need to be a bit assertive, here are some things in which to remember.

I have the right to say no without feeling guilty.

For those of us with chronic illness, this is a big one! We must say, “no, thanks,” or “I’ll pass,” much more often than we would prefer. Even when we master the ability to say no, the guilt continues to sit with us for days. Let it go! You know your abilities and limitations and what is best for your own health and your family’s well being.

I have the right to state my opinion, even if I change my mind.

Have you ever been on a jury and you had to state your decision up-front, but than as the deliberations continued, you changed your mind about the verdict? You have the right to say what you think, but it’s best to think before you speak. Is what you say going to hurt someone’s feelings? Are your comments going to help the situation?

I have the right to take risks and try new things.

Just because you have a chronic condition doesn’t mean you have to eat at the same restaurant the rest of your life. Try new things! You may find a new hobby or a new activity that you are able to easily do, in which you would have never thought about.

“When I started taking photos it was on one of those cardboard cameras,” says Darcie. “But then I found that I really loved it and I wasn’t half bad. So I bought a real camera. It’s been fun. I’ve had an excuse to go to events that I couldn’t participate in before, like boat races, because I am ‘the photographer.’”

I have the right to be heard.

Whether you are having a conversation with a medical professional or your mother, you do have the right to be heard. Too many of us fall into the habit of talking all of the time, however, and forgetting that we also have the responsibility to listen. Know your boundaries and what you are willing to listen to and not.

When a man approached me after a health fair and said, “I can cure you in 30 days,” I replied, “You have sixty seconds to tell me why I should talk with you further about your product.” I listened… and no, he didn’t convince me. He felt okay about it though, and I got out of an uncomfortable thirty-minute sales pitch.

So be assertive – practice in front of the mirror if you must. As you step out and share your opinion, it may feel awkward at first, but then you will gain more confidence and it will become simpler the next time the opportunity arises. Even studies have shown that assertive people are more likely to have personal and professional relationships that are based on honesty and mutual respect.

If you lead a support group or are considering it, don’t miss Lisa Copen’s new book, http://StartAnIllnessSupportGroup.com for your ministry needs. Over 300 pages with step-by-step instructions on how to write a vision statement, promotion and attendance and much more!

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There are different ways we can feel invisible:

• Sometimes we feel invisible because our disease seems to have taken over the ability for our real personality to shine through.
• Other times, we may feel like whatever we are saying is not heard. “How many times do I have to ask you to pick up your toys so I don’t fall on them?” Or, “Could you please open this jar for me?” (After it’s sat on the counter with a sticky note attached for four days.)

I love my husband and my son dearly, but I think they both have the gene of selective hearing. My husband often will reply, “I must not have been in the room” but he was! Sometimes, I will be talking 5 minutes while he is in the same room, and when I say, “Right?” or “So, what do you think?” he will ignore me. Come to discover, he thought I was on the phone talking to someone else!

If you have ever felt invisible and wondered if all that you were doing for a loved one, your family, or even to humor your physician, take a moment to watch this touching video by Nicole Johnson, as she explains that it’s not about the people in our lives who may or may not “see” us, but the God who always sees us, who always knows, who always cares.

Lisa

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

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• Moms, Get Rejuvenated at a Hearts at Home Conference! (susanheim.blogspot.com)

Lisa saw the promotional video for The Bible Experience at a Christian retail show and was blown away! She bought it for herself for Christmas a couple of years ago. Now YOU can watch this video below, thanks to Zondervan and YouTube.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_OCovT8Y68

It truly brings the story to life and features voices from Denzel Washington, Angela Bassett, Cuba Gooding Jr., Samuel L. Jackson, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Blair Underwood, Yolanda Adams, Shirley Ceasar, Faith Evans, Kirk Franklin, and more.

Do yourself a favor watch the video. It was originally priced at $50 so this is a great deal and you can listen to it in bed! Get it here.

And if you really do have a hankering to hear someone say those words, drop by Mister Roger’s web site where he will sing “I’m Proud of You” as well as other classics like “You are Special” and “I’m Still Myself Inside.”

And we thought this Presbyterian minister was ministering just to kids! Here at Rest Ministries we think most of us can relate with his messages.

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by Mary Yerkes

My desk is messy. My clothes don’t fit. The dog needs grooming. Life coaches agree that people zap their energy and increase their stress by putting up with a multitude of things that bug them, what life coaches call “tolerations.” And for the chronically ill, lingering stress can translate into increased pain. So, why not start your New Year right by identifying—and then eliminating—those things that deplete your energy and dampen your spirit.

Here are four common tolerations, along with practical suggestions for addressing them or eliminating them from your life:

Health Tolerations

If you live with chronic illness, you probably realize there are some things you just can’t control. But what about the things you can? Why add to your distress by eating too much junk food, not taking your prescribed medication, or failing to do your exercises, designed to increase your range of motion or reduce your pain?

Take a few minutes and write down your health goals. Just make sure they’re realistic. Don’t set a goal of jogging three miles a day when you struggle to walk to the curb each day to pick up the day’s mail. When making your list, make sure your goals are SMART: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. A goal of eating healthier this year is too vague, but eating five serving of vegetables a day is SMART.

Environmental Tolerations

It’s hard to keep on top of housework and home repairs when you’re in constant pain and struggling to make it on one income. But, let’s be honest. If you feel well enough to sit at your desk and work, couldn’t you take a few extra minutes to clear that pile of papers from your desk so you could actually see your computer screen?

But what about bigger projects around the house that you can’t do yourself?

If finances are tight and you can’t afford to hire someone to tackle larger projects, barter your services instead. For example, if you’re a graphic designer, offer to create a brochure for your neighbor’s new business in exchange for shoveling the snow off your walk.

You get the idea.

People Tolerations

Face it. Some people are just toxic. They consistently say hurtful things like, “But you look so good!” or “You really should try harder to get to church on Sunday.” They chide you for canceling at the last minute and raise their eyebrows when you serve a store bought cake for your child’s birthday party instead of making one yourself. If you’re chronically ill, limit your contact with people like this.

It’s a little more difficult if you’re dealing with toxic family members. To maintain your sanity and preserve your health, learn to maintain appropriate boundaries. To better understand how to set healthy boundaries, I recommend reading, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Spiritual Tolerations

Are there areas in your spiritual life you need to address? Do you struggle with unforgiveness or harbor resentment or bitterness toward your spouse or children for failing to understand your pain, help with the housework, or give you the emotional support you need?

Nothing will rob your joy or sap your strength more quickly than unforgiveness. Don’t tolerate sin in your life for one more day. God’s Word tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).” Help is just a prayer away.

The benefits you’ll gain from identifying and removing tolerations from your life are significant. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it will make.

So, start the New Year right by making room in your life for what matters most.

Life Coach Mary Yerkes specializes in helping the chronically ill live abundant lives in Christ. Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and ankylosing spondylitis in 1997, Mary understands the challenges of living with chronic pain and illness. Her greatest joy is seeing people set free to love and serve God with all their heart, mind, and soul. Mary is also an author, speaker, and contributor to popular Christian print and online magazines, including Focus on the Family, The Journal of Biblical Counseling, and On Mission Magazine. Visit www.newlifechristiancoaching.com and www.maryyerkes.com to learn more.