Have you had the experience of one doctor passing you off to another, and that one to another, and no one really wanting to “own” you as a patient? For a while I have felt I was the ball in a game of ping pong between my general practitioner and a specialist, each telling me to see the other. Currently, as new issues develop, I have become a “hot potato.” My question is, what do you do to get doctors to listen and stop passing the buck?

I am looking for suggestions beyond basics of talking to doctors. One thing I am finding helpful lately is to pray earnestly and specifically for the appointment and the agenda to discuss with that doctor. I am at least finding each appointment a little less frustrating, and maybe a little more helpful.

Marianne

Hi, Marianne. Yes, this can be very frustrating and I think most patients have felt this way at one time or another. My suggestions would be to try the following:

1. Call the local organizations for your illness and ask them if they have a list of recommended specialists. If they don’t you may tell them, “I know you cannot recommend anyone, but off the record, do you hear good things about a specific doctor who’s name you could pass along to me? Do you know of anyone I could ask?” Also, ask online friends in your area who have your same illness if they have some suggestions.
2. Ask others in the medical field who they would recommend, such as any surgeons you see, physical therapists, counselors, nutritionists, etc.
3. Consider if gender makes a difference to you. For over 10 years, both my specialist and general doctor were women. I would gladly see a male physician, and have, but overall, I need someone who will listen well, multi-task, and not seem overwhelmed by side effects.
4. For a general practitioner, ask anyone you respect who has had any kind of medical condition if she or he would mind sharing the name of their physician. Since my diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, I’ve always had doctors of internal medicine as my general practitioners. You may also want to ask around your church and see if there is anyone in the medical profession who may be able to give you the name of a recommended physician.
5. When you call for your first appointment, explain that you would like at least 30 minutes to explain your condition and ask some questions about how the doctor prefers to work with patients who have a chronic condition, when a specialist is also involved. There are doctor who love challenging patients and thrive on figuring out odd symptoms; other doctors do not or do not have the time. Look for doctors who enjoy the challenge.
6. If the doctor you are interested in seeing has a web site, read as much as you can about him in advance. Also, Google his name and look on review sites such as Yelp.
7. Ask your new doctor where they want to fall in your hierarchy of your medical team. For instance, when I got a new rheumatologist last year, I asked him if he wanted me to come to him with symptoms that were obvious side effects of the medications (like basic infections, coughs, yeast infections, etc.) and he said yes.
8. Do your best as a patient to help the doctors communicate. When you have lab tests ordered by one doctor, have them fax results to other doctors. If you have an MRI or eye exam, etc. what other doctors on your medical team would find this information helpful?
9. Ask yourself if you want to try alternative treatments or may wish to in the future. It’s best to not hide this from your specialist, so if it’s important to you, you need a doctor who will support your endeavors to treat yourself for certain things.
10. If you have either a general practitioner you like or a specialist ask them for a referral to the other kind of doctor. Who do they like to work with? This can be very helpful if the doctors already have established a working relationship and if you have a specific illness, doctors have a preference many times for other specialists who understand your disease. For example, my rheumatologist likes to send me to an eye specialist who understands rheumatoid arthritis and how it affects the eyes.
11. Ask each doctor some specific questions and then go over the answers with the other one so there is clear communication. Such as “If I get a cold or sore throat, etc. which doctor should I see? If I have side effects that need treatment, should I go to the doctor who prescribed the medication or …?” If I have an emergency with ____ who should I contact at 3 AM? If I have a _____ issue, would you prefer I go to the ER or Urgent Care? What information should I have with me when I go? Can the doctors there contact you?
12. When one doctor prescribes you medication, especially that which are pain killers, let the other doctor know so it never appears you are hoarding medications.
13. Be a “good patient.” There will be times when you must challenge a doctor’s opinion, but if you really like the doctor and wish to keep him or her, reasonably consider the doctor’s requests. If you frequently cancel appointments, arrive late, delay getting your lab tests done, etc. the doctor will be much less likely to help you or keep you as a patient.
14. Do your best to write down a list of things you wish to speak to the doctor about in order of priority. Tell the doctor, “I have 4 questions today, so would it be okay, if I tell you what they are and then if we run out of time, you could call me back on the last one?”
15. Communicate your needs. For example, if you often bring a caregiver, friend, or spouse with you, is the doctor comfortable with this?
16. Consider if this doctor is best for your needs now. I have found that I need a different rheumatologist for my thirties than I did in my twenties, and when I hit my forties it was also time to start looking around.
17. You mentioned prayer. Yes! Finding, visiting, and keeping a doctor can all be very stressful. Ask friends to pray for your to be led to the right team of medical specialists to meet your needs. Remember to send a thank you card to your doctors now and then or bring in a goodie unexpectedly. Before your appointment, pray for a sense of calmness, and yet also discernment and wisdom to know when to speak up.

I have had a good medical team for some time now, but I’ve also had my share of doctors who have not particularly liked me. At wound care, I had one doctor who casually said they would “just take a little piece of bone out of my ankle and. . . ”

At this point, I said, “With all due respect, I understand you are doing your job. But with rheumatoid arthritis that could disable my ankle for good. Dr. Y is my rheumatologist, and I won’t be having any procedures done until you run them past her, she approves them, and I have an opportunity to talk with her.” He was not happy with me and did not like me questioning his authority. He especially didn’t like having to admit to me a few days later later that he’d talk to my rhematologist and I would not be having the procedure.

On the flip side, I also left my son’s pediatrician and got a recommendation from a children’s therapist for another pediatrician. In less than 30 minutes, the new pediatrician had us appointments at Children’s Hospital, a psychiatrist (who was not accepting new patients), a and many more specialists who helped us solve a difficult case involving food therapy. We felt so relieved.

Last year my rheumatologist of ten+ years was rather rude and I left the office in tears–a rare event. I have found that many good doctors still have a “season” of being motivated to treat you. For me this seems to be 8-10 years. And despite a good relationship, I do expect to be treated with respect. I found a new rheumatologist and am pleased with what he has been able to do for me, the medications he is willing to try, and his experience in using both Western medicine as well as herbs, etc. when possible.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

I’m not comfortable saying, “Hi there! No offense, but your perfume makes me gag! No, I can’t sit next to you!” If I were king, I’d lump perfume with cigarette smoke and ban it in public places! Sorry you perfume lovers– nothing personal. I am just trying to breathe and be healthy.
–Semi-silent sufferer, attending church on-line

Dear Semi-silent sufferer,

You are definitely not alone! Although many assume this is rare, unfortunately, approximately 14% of Americans (knowingly) have MCS.

I also live with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS). The term, “sensitivities” is not a good description of what these chemicals do to me. I get an instant, disabling migraine, vertigo, weakness or paralysis in my limbs, swelling of the brain, spasms in my spinal cord, nausea and horrific pain all over.

What’s more, anyone can develop MCS by way of every day use and exposure to chemical fragrances and/or a sudden large exposure. Continued exposures often lead to increased sensitivities.

In fact, a large portion of the population gets some sort of adverse health effects to perfumes or other synthetically fragranced products. Many do not make the connection to their headaches, fatigue and/or asthma type symptoms. By the time most people realize what is causing their symptoms, they are out of control and often debilitating and isolating.

It is good that we don’t tell others that their perfume makes us gag or sick, because such use of words often cause people to take it personally. However, we should be able to be honest and do what we have to do to not be exposed.

We can do so by simply saying, “I am so sorry, I would love to sit next to you, but I get bad headaches from perfume.” That way the symptom is from the perfume and not them and it is not tied to a visual of us turning our noses up at them.

Another way is to share resources with them. My husband is the Founder and President of a couple of great non-profit organizations that provide pamphlets and information that can be shared with friends, family, employers and churches.

• Why Go Perfume Free to Church? Where Is God Ministries
• Is Your Church Making People Sick? Where Is God Ministries
• Why Go Fragrance Free? Invisible Disabilities Association (IDA)
• Creating a Fragrance-Free Zone (Workplace). Invisible Disabilities Association (IDA)
• Interview with Dr. Anne Steineman (Audio). The Cleaner Indoor Air Campaign (Launched by IDA)
• Letter for Churches. The Cleaner Indoor Air Campaign (Launched by IDA)
• My Invisible Disabilities Community (social network for people living with illness, pain and injury – with an MCS Group)

I am so sorry you are living with this, as it can be extremely isolating. I hope you find these resources helpful!

Sherri Connell has used her personal tragedy of chronic illness and pain to bring awareness and to be a voice for people who are living with debilitating chronic illness through the Invisible Disabilities Association with her husband, Wayne.

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• What Do You Do About Co-Workers’ Strong Perfume? (bellasugar.com)
• More People Are Making Their Own Natural Perfume (bellasugar.com)

I understand it is not an easy decision to make. There are benefits to getting out and meeting new people, even when we don’t feel all that great. But that doesn’t mean we should sit around at the party and explain to people how hard it is to have some fun. Would we want to make the effort to have a night without worries and then hear ourselves talk on and on about our aches? Be honest. Not necessarily, right? Even I get tired of hearing about my own aches and pains sometimes!

Here is an example of what a conversation could sound like.

As the holiday parties start to happen for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, so does the dilemma of deciding if you are going to be honest with other people, or just let go and do your best to have a good time. There is no right or wrong answer and it’s different for each person and situation. But let’s look at it from the perspective that your intent is to have fun.

Do you want to go to this party?
Illness is not any fun, right? The whole idea of having a good time is to put on some shoes that do not include fleece inside of them and get out of the house for a couple of hours. If your intent is to have a good time, make a conscious decision to make choices that reflect this. You are not attending a counseling session, a support group meeting, or a place to have all your fears validated. Keep perspective and avoid having expectations of other people.

Faking it is not betraying yourself
Someone asks, “So, how are you doing? You look so nice tonight.”
How do you reply? “Pretty good, thanks so much!” or. . . “Well, I am obviously pulling it off, because I feel absolutely terrible, but I did my best to hide it.”

Too many people with chronic illness feel a huge quandary that if they do not explain all about how badly they feel they are two-faced. Just because you get to the party and look decent does not mean that you are in not pain. You may actually experience pain twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I personally know that choosing to have fun when you are hurting is a choice, and not an easy one! By choosing to not discuss this with everyone at the party, however, does not mean you are not lying, betraying, deceiving, or being invalidated. You are putting the pain aside as much as possible and having conversation with people.

Are you looking for a thrill or a therapist?
When we have a chronic illness it can be a natural tendency to want to talk to someone about what we are experiencing. But your friend’s holiday party it not the place to do it. Everyone there has their own challenges in life too, yet they are attending to have a light-hearted night, not hear about your aches and pains. It is not that they don’t care–they just don’t know you! And if they did know you and care, a real conversation, one-on-one, in a quieter place would be much more ideal than trying to tell your story over the loud music.

Don’t explain yourself
You may need a chair to sit down in. You may avoid food filled with gluten. You may not be able to drink alcohol. The medications before you came may be making you drowsy. You may only be able to stay an hour so you can function tomorrow. That is all okay. So, just do it! Find a chair, grab a non-alcoholic drink, excuse yourself by 10 PM. You don’t have to explain why you do what you do. If you are afraid of offending your host, explain a few days before the party that you may slip out early since you are trying to pace yourself, but don’t worry about what others think. Honestly, most of them won’t even notice.

If you open that can of worms. . .
So you did it, you mentioned your illness. Maybe it just slipped out or perhaps you were trying to explain to someone why you aren’t training for the Ironman triathlon like everyone else seems to be. Before you know it someone is telling you she sells this special water that would make all your pain go away, or that his mother’s neighbor’s daughter tried this special extract and now she has been able to stop taking all of her medication. It’s painful to listen to. It hurts. It makes you want to throw a drink at someone and run screaming from the room. But you opened up this can of worms by revealing you have an illness. Be polite and walk away as soon as possible. Go hide in the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. There is little you can do to change someone’s opinion so don’t waste your energy.

Be real friends with . . . real friends
“But all of this is so fake!” you may say. “I feel like such a fraud! I can barely walk through the room without limping, my back is killing me, I don’t even know why I came if know one here knows the real me!” That’s understandable. The “real you” likely is someone who deals with a great deal of chronic pain, doctors appointments, and side effects of medications. It is a juggling act to keep up with friends, career, family, an illness, and still have a social life. No one there knows about the rash that is under your clothes or that you can’t eat most of the food presented. That is okay. Real friends know the real you. This is an outing where you can get to know people and see if there is anyone you “click” with who you may like to become better friends with in the future.

What now?
Illness is a very intimate thing. To those of us who live with it, it can be the underlying foundation of our choices, attitude, and moment-by-moment moods. As much as we try to not have it define us, the disease fights to control us. For those who do not live with illness, however, it is a very personal topic. It is a problem to be solved–and maybe solved within a few minutes if they give you the right advice. They do not see illness as a lifestyle or as a filter for your priorities, but rather as a weakness, a surrendering you are making to something that has power over you.

Parties are meant to be casual, fun, and light-hearted. They are meant to be places you discuss the weather, sports, current events, and the Kardashians–even if it’s about how you refuse to talk about the Kardashians any longer. They are not a place where chronic illnesses can be discussed in a way that will make you feel better. People do not come to parties to be informed about health issues. If you bring it up, you likely will only be frustrated, not validated, nor shown the understanding or compassion you crave.

So, do you want to just skip the party? You may! These kind of get togethers can be seen as superficial gatherings where no one talks about anything important. If you feel that way, you may find more comfort in just staying home and inviting a friend over to watch a DVD. But if you decide to go, remember to do your best to put aside your personal needs and just choose to mingle and get to know other people. Who knows what they may be going through that they aren’t sharing! And if you can smile and have a conversation with people, you may find out who you have something in common with and form that real friendship in time.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

Hi, Sandy, I can hear the pain in your words. I am going to assume since you wrote to me you are asking for some kind of advice, so here is my best 2-cents.

Ask yourself, “What would the perfect response to my post be?” When we say we want people to “listen” and yet we are typing our posts out online, there are 4 ways people can respond. It’s different than having a friend who is sitting there beside us holding the tissue box.

[1] They just read it, send up a prayer, and since you don’t want advice, they choose not to post anything. This can seem like no one is reading your post, or if they are, no one cares enough to comment and encourage you.

[2] They write something simple like, “I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will pray for you.” This can be interpreted, if one chooses, as being “blown off” and not being given enough of one’s effort or time to write a personal response. Since these are people who live in just as much pain as you do, I am sure you can understand how limited energy and physical time spent on a computer can be. They often feel it’s best to respond with something, then with nothing at all, even if it’s brief.

[3] Someone may respond with, “I understand what you are going through. Here is how our stories are unique . . .” and then they share their story. This can be interpreted as it being “all about them” and not you or your situation. But they are often trying to find a common thread and share how they made it through a tough time, in hopes that it will encourage you.

[4] They give advice. They want to help. They don’t really like options 1-3 above, so they’ve chosen to try to help you through this. This can be interpreted as them having it more together than you, or as if they are trying to fix it for you with a “quick fix.” They usually have the best of intentions.

As you can see from the 4 options above, all can come with the best of intentions, and yet they can all be misinterpreted as something else if we choose to see it that way.

Or, “I’m sometimes sensitive to people giving me advice, yet I am desperate enough that I am looking for suggestions on how you think I should handle this situation.”

Support groups are kind of like our families. No one is perfect, everyone is hurting. Even those we love the most will not always respond the way we’d like. I am sure I don’t always respond the way some people would like. But I do the best I can. That is all I can do.

Most of us are looking for a place where our needs can be met, rather than looking around to see who has a need where we may be able to help. I know that is can be exhausting to reach out to others when you are not feeling well, but I began Rest Ministries in 1997 and have reached out to others nearly every day since, even when my pain level was at its worst. I try to live by Proverbs 11:25 “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I can assure you that this really happens!

Next time you feel a bit frustrated over the lack of a response, reach out to another person just because. Do it for the Lord. You may not even get a response. It may surprise you that some of the newsletters Rest Ministries sends out are opened by just 25% of our subscribers. Hundreds of devotionals have ZERO comments. But eventually we hear from many, many people, that even when they were silent, God was encouraging them through Rest Ministries. I hope this encourages you!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. To increse communication between churches and individuals, see her new “Beyond Casseroles” DVD.

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I have a friend who I’ve known for years. We used to go out partying before my diagnosis, but now I’ve really become grounded in my faith, because God is the only thing that has gotten me through. She keeps saying she “knows the real me” and I cannot possibly be satisfied with this life I have now. Whenever I share something I’ve learned while living with illness or about anything good in my life, she has something negative to say about how much I am missing out on in life because of my illness. I care about her, but I just don’t know if I can continue to be around her right now if she keeps this up. – Kelly

Hi, Kelly,
Do you know someone who is the same now as they were 30 or even 40 years ago? They love to complain and stir up trouble for everyone else. What they don’t realize. . . or maybe care about is the fact that most people change over the course of a lifetime.

It’s unfortunate because most of us try to improve our lives as we get older. We try to forgive and forget and move on with our lives but there’s always going to be that one who is so unhappy with their life that they can’t stand to see anyone else doing better than them or enjoying their life.

For instance, I drank until I was 34 and I am happy those days are over with. It has been almost 13 years since I’ve let anything or anyone control me but there are others who are still trapped in drugs and alcohol that want to drag you down to their level.

They want you to be as unhappy as they are and you know what? It’s not gonna happen. You see, I’m not proud of the way I behaved when I drank but there are others that were instigators and troublemakers who caused all kinds of problems and they still have that mindset even today. It’s very sad because they live in the past and they want you to stay there. . . buried in misery just like they are and that’s all they can think about.

If you have one of these people in your life–someone you don’t ever think about unless they come knocking (beating) at your front door threatening you and whining that you’ll never change–then just do what I do: give it to God.

There are always going to be those who will try to drag you down and make you feel bad because of something you said or did 20 years ago. Let them know you aren’t the same person since Jesus took control of your life. Don’t let them shake you because you are grounded in Jesus Christ.

When they say they know the real you tell them. . . “No, you are so stuck in the past that you can’t see the change all around you” and that “No, I choose not to whine and cry and live in the past as you seem to have chosen to do.”

You are a new creation in Christ and if you had a past you aren’t proud of then give it to God. No matter what your past is, give it to God and learn to love yourself again. Once you’ve changed as I did so many years ago, don’t let anyone convince you that you are less than a beautiful and wonderful being created by the creator of the universe Himself. . . God Almighty.

Thank you Jesus for taking care of those who want to suppress us and threaten us and keep us wallowing in guilt and despair. Help those who still live this way and help us to keep our eyes planted squarely on you and your wonderful name.

God Bless, Dave

David Brown has been writing poetry and short stories for his own enjoyment for more than 40 years. Recently, he decided he had some things he would like to say to the rest of the world and has been writing non-stop ever since ~ thus the culmination of his three-book series Love Notes From Above. A husband, father and born-again, spirit-filled Christian he offers scripture-based advice and insight on some of life’s toughest topics based on his unique perspective gained through experience on this journey called life.

I have been married for four years and have multiple sclerosis. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for some time and it’s not happening. I think I am capable of being a mom, despite my illness, but it’s making me nervous to see the clock ticking–and for those of us with illness, it ticks a whole lot faster! I don’t want to grow bitter about not getting pregnant yet, but my friends are having kids, doing family events, and now, not only do I feel ousted because my illness slows me down, but I am just not at soccer games and Chuck E. Cheese. How do I cope with all these mixed up feelings?

Leslie

Leslie,
My heart aches for you. I remember my own similar journey for years back in the late nineties until the day our son was born and we adopted him in 2003. And yes, it really did feel like a long journey! Like you, I wasn’t sure if God was saying, “No” or “Wait.”

I was recently asked me to write about infertility and chronic illness and it took me awhile to be able to find my voice on this topic.

I had just come from a roller coaster ride of emotions:

• First, my husband and I did our research after seeing our son struggling and gained an official diagnosis for him of ADHD (a diagnosis we are glad we’ve discovered!)
• I had also talked with two women who’d poured their heart out about infertility issues and chronic llness;
• I had the most amazing family time with my son’s birth-grandparents and his little brother who lives with my son’s birth mom (Joshua’s birth mom was sick so couldn’t come.);
• My “story” about infertility and illness came out in Janet Thompson’s new book, “Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?: A Companion Guide for Women on the Infertility Journey” (An amazing book I strongly recommend if you are on this detour in life.)

What could I share? I was a mom who was looking at her own weaknesses, not even sure if I had dealt with infertility, if the infertility was due to my use of rheumatoid arthritis medications, or I had just “needed more time.”

As Mother’s Day approaches I see the many women who long to be a mother. And why does it seem the most kind and nurturing women are the ones who seemed to fill the quiet valleys of infertility? Everything can seem personal. . . from wondering why the teenage girl who lives next door is pregnant and miserable about her situation to the woman who is in a marriage she would like to abandon, but she’s staying because she is pregnant. Every abortion suddenly feels like the death of a dream that we have of our own child. How could they?

Women who feel God has given them a craving for motherhood wonder how and when it will ever be fulfilled. For those of us with chronic illness we wonder if we crossed signals with God, because we all know with each passing day our health is getting worse, and therefore, harder to care for an infant. We don’t have the time that others mom have because we are in a race to be mommy before we lose more abilities.

What would I have wanted to hear when I was on this infertility detour? It sure was not, “give it time” or “if you just relax it will happen.” I would have wanted to hear God’s voice somewhere in the middle of the opinions of people who told me I was silly to think I could be a mom. I would have wanted to know God was in control.

And I did. I remember praying, “Lord, I need a baby and if I can’t have a baby, I don’t want to get depressed or obsessed with it. But I need a purpose while I am waiting.” And what He gave me, through a calling and resources, is now Rest Ministries.

God is in control. I don’t ever wish to imply I can speak words for God, but below is, if I had tried to write out what God was telling me during this time, I would have written. I hope you can use it and adapt it as your own. I don’t presume to know the answers to your situation or what God has in store for you, but I do know He can make miracles out of whatever we may perceive as messy situations in our life.

Lisa

Dear one,

I know your heart. And I know how your heart hurts. You rise each day and put on a smile. But underneath that smile I know you imagine how your life would be different if your dream of being a mom was fulfilled. Would you awake at 5 AM, but with joy instead of anxiety? Would you go to mommy-and-me meetings, instead of talk of your illness on the computer?

In the deepest parts of your heart I understand that you’re beginning to wonder if you have done something wrong, made some mistake, or overlooked an opportunity, to cause your heart’s longing to not be fulfilled. You are wondering if you should have taken that medication, not taken the medication, drank that Diet Coke, had that treatment, and then I would have answered your prayers. You are looking for where you have messed up, so you can fix it and be with child. You have not made mistakes, child, where I was still not in control of the outcome. I have never left your side, and My will will come to pass.

You hear girlfriends complain about how their children are driving them nuts and you bite your tongue. You try to make plans with them, but they are always busy. They have entered into “Parentland” and you can only get a temporary pass for a few hours to babysit.

Child, I do know your longing. I hear your cries; I see you. I have not turned away or ignored your pleas. I see the pain that pierces you when another friend announces her pregnancy. I see you try to hold back the tears as you walk through baby departments to buy a gift for another baby shower. I see your faith when you buy a little baby gift for yourself to hide away and call it your “mustard seed.”

Do not stop talking to Me. I know you may be tempted to allow bitterness and frustration to seep in. Many people do. But this will only lead to a hardened heart and take you farther away from the person I am designing you to be.

Remember, your hope is different because you know me. Your hope should be in Me, not what I can give to you. The world hopes for things and situations. Put your hope in Me.

You can have peace in the midst of turmoil because of My presence. So don’t turn from Me, as I am the only one who can fill that hole.

Not a moment of your misery is being wasted. The closer you draw to me, even when your prayers are not being answered, the more opportunities I will provide for you to find this hope and refreshment, even in the middle of your pain.

I know it is hard to imagine, but I have great plans for you. Remember how when I told Abraham of his children I would bless him with? His wife Sarah laughed. Even in the most unlikely of situations I can make things happen that are beyond your wildest imagination. In fact, it is in the impossible, I most delight in making miracles happen, because then you can share your joy with the world about how you saw Me at work in the crevices of your life.

Hang on, dear child. Stick by my side, as I have promised to be by yours.

Your Loving Father,
God

I have read in some places online that many people who have a chronic illness were abused in their childhood. I know many were not, but I am one of the ones who was. I will never know for sure if the illness I have was “caused” by the stress of me trying to cope with my history, or the bitterness it caused in my heart eating away (literally!) at my body, but I know I need to figure out a way to let go of the bitterness. My father is no longer on this earth and my mom and I have a very weak relationship. I am not sure I want more. But where do I go from here?”
Belinda, who doesn’t want to be “Bitter Belinda”

Belinda,

It’s true that studies have shown that sometimes chronic illness can be more prevalent among adults who suffered abuse as a child. Yet, one does not need to have suffered this to have an illness. I am so sorry for the experiences you have had, endures, and how it has followed you into your adulthood.

My friend, Linda Newton, wrote about forgiveness in her book, “12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ” and I asked her if I could share her recent excerpt on “The Healing Power of Forgiveness.”

LINDA NEWTON Answers– Have you ever had to forgive someone who you felt didn’t deserve to be forgiven? As a pastoral counselor for the past twenty years, I have encountered many damaged people who struggle to forgive because they don’t feel like their offender deserves to be let off the hook? After experiencing chronic abuse at the hands my own mother, I can understand those feelings. I am grateful that Lord has strategically led me on a path to forgive. If you are struggling to let go of damaging offenses, perhaps these insights will help you as they have helped me.

Not long after I identified the bitterness that was holding me hostage, a gentle-hearted lady named Iris came to share with our small group at church. Iris opened up about the sexual abuse she sustained from her natural father and declared, “Forgiveness doesn’t make your offender right; it just makes you free.” While that profound statement started me on my path out of bitterness, forgiving my mother for all of her unfair abuse seemed like too much for God to ask of me. When it came to whole-hearted forgiveness, I was skeptical but seeking, so I opened up the Bible to see what God’s Word had to say.

In Matthew, I read the words of Jesus, “For if you forgive others their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). How harsh, I thought, until I read what Richard Foster had to say about this verse. In his book Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home Foster asks, “Why is this? It is not that God begrudges His forgiveness, nor is it so hard to get God to forgive that we must demonstrate good faith by showing how well we can first forgive others. No, not at all.”

“It is simply that by the very nature of the created order we must give in order to receive. I cannot, for instance, receive love if I do not give love. People may try to offer me love, but if resentment and vindictiveness fill my heart, their offers will roll off of me like water of a duck’s back. It my fists are clenched and my arms folded tightly around myself, I cannot hold anything.”

“But once I give love, I am a candidate for receiving love. Once I open my hands, I can receive. As Saint Augustine says, ‘God gives where He finds empty hands.’”

In their book, Mood Swings, the authors Arterburn, and Minierth offered even further understanding.

“Choosing not to forgive allows others to continue to abuse as we endlessly relive their offenses.” They were right. I was continuing the abuse as I ruminated about the resentment over and over again. I learned in recovery that “Resentment is me drinking poison and hoping you die.”

When I stopped drinking from the toxic well of bitterness and self-pity, I had room in my life for healing and peace.

On my journey to forgive, I recognized that I had to clear the air with God and forgive Him too. When I was honest, I recognized I was angry at Him for not giving me an easier life. My resentment with God was subtle. After all, He’s God. But it kept me from moving forward in my Christian walk. When I let Him off the hook, I stopped distancing from the only One who could truly help me. Only then was I ready to realize all my pain had taught me.

Learning to forgive taught me to recognize God’s restoration. That was illustrated for me as I sat in my office listening to a lady from church share her story. Sarah Ann’s life of abuse and neglect made my story sound like a picnic in the park by comparison. As we cried and prayed together, she looked up from her Kleenex(R) and made a remark that stabbed me awake. Sarah Ann said, “I’m so glad you’ve had pain in your life, Linda, because I know that you can understand what I’ve been through. I’ve never been able to share any of this with another Christian before, much less a pastor’s wife. But I can tell you all of this crazy stuff because I knew you’d get it.”

After she left, for the first time in my life, I got on my knees and thanked God for my pain. I thanked Him for the empathy I had for Sarah Ann and so many others because I did get it. And the blessing of helping people access the abundant life God has for them, fills my tank to overflowing. I wouldn’t trade my pain for easy street because of all it has taught me. Iris was right; finding forgiveness has set me free.

Adapted from 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise: Biblical Steps to Wholeness in Christ, Linda Newton,

Linda Newton’s contagious enthusiasm and engaging storytelling brings God’s Word to life. With authentic transparency and down-home humor she shares how God transformed heartbreak in her life into hope from her book 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise published by Warner Press. She has currently written 2 new devotional books, Better Than Jewels: 31 Days of Biblical Insight for a Woman Seeking God based on the book of Proverbs, and Sapphires From Psalms currently on sale now. For more encouragement read Linda’s blog, “Savvy Choices.”

My husband used to take care of the kids in the mornings because I have a hard time with mornings. But he works the third shift now and I now have two children in school. I have to wake up at 6:30 after little or no sleep and have the kids on the bus by 7:30 a.m. It is becoming increasingly difficult and I keep waking up later and later.

This makes it harder because then I have to get them both ready in less time. Sometimes they balk. One is an occasional bed wetter, which makes it worse each morning. So far I have managed to get them to the bus each morning on time. But, I know it is just a matter of time that they miss the bus on my account. I really need prayers.
Karlynné

Hi, Karlynné,
First I have to confess that my husband gets up with my son and gets him to school. There are occasional days when I take him or we both go to the school for a special event, but I understand how hard it is. It seems no matter what time I go to bed, I am sore and stiff in the mornings. We can do our best to read all the books on explaining illness to children, but when it comes down to it, they are normal kids that just don’t understand our lack of energy is so debilitating. (Which is a good thing in a way. . . we don’t want them too worried about us.)

And here is an easy scripture to remember. I recently found this and have said it as my prayer and my plea a few mornings when I awake: “God will help her at break of day.” Psalm 46:5

That said, here are some tips that may help. Probably the most important theme through it all is to stick to a routine. The first few days of a new routine may be stressful, but soon your kids will learn what is expected.

1. Get as many things done the evening before as you can. This includes getting the backpack ready, lunches packed, permission slips signed, etc. Have the kids pick out the clothes they will wear, or if they change their mind a lot, let them have 2 options. If your daughter likes accessories like bows for her hair, have her put these in a single bag and add it to the hanger of the outfit.
2. See how many things you can put on a timer or alarm. For example, though you may get a little less sleep, you could set an alarm to go off thirty minutes earlier than usual. Then turn on a heating pad, take your medications if possible, or put on a couple “pain patches.” By the time you have to get up, maybe a few things will have kicked in to help make a difference when your body has to get moving. I know coffee won’t make the pain go away, but if the smells perks you up just a bit, set an alarm for that too. Your kids may like their own alarm clocks too. Waking up to their favorite songs or a fun talking alarm clock can make it more upbeat.
3. My friend Karen Whiting advises to assign each child a color for all of his or her personal items. This can include a towel and washcloth, toothbrush, bowl, cup, basket, hooks, and more. When something is left out, it’s also easy to know which child needs to put it away. You can also use schedule cards for younger kids. Here is a link to free printable cards.
4. Talk to your doctor about your needs and see if there are any tips he may provide. For example, last year they had a study for “Timed Release Prednisone Tablets” that could be taken before bedtime, so it kicked it before a patient got up, but that didn’t keep one awake all night.
5. Consider what can help your body function better. For example, for moms who need to drive to school, a hand-warmer in your coat pockets may help during colder months. I have a memory foam steering wheel cover that makes driving and steering much easier. If you have difficulty getting your arms into a coat, get a big shawl you can drape around you and a scarf.
6. If your kids are picky eater, have breakfast options they can take care of themselves. What do your kids like to eat? There are lots of healthy foods refrigerator like yogurt drinks, apple sauce, apple slices. Keep these all in a plastic basket in the fridge. On the table, have a basket of other items, such as breakfast bars or fruit leather. Have a counter top cereal dispenser that makes it fun for them to help themselves. If the school as a breakfast option that you can afford, you may want to consider it. If your kids love pancakes and you have time to make them, try using the batter you squirt out of a can.
7. Give rewards to the kids for doing as much as they can on their own. You didn’t mention their ages, but even young kids can get partially dressed or wash their face. Decide what you can reasonably expect from them and then what the reward will be. One of my friends rewards her four-year-old with dimes. He feels like he is earning money and it’s a good way to learn to count. If he does well all week, they get to go get a Slurpee at 7-Eleven on Friday. You can also find free printables for lunchbox notes and more at this web site Living Locurto .
8. Don’t fight what is natural. It may be nice to have the children’s coats hung in the closet each day, but do they really come home and hang it? How many times are your looking for shoes or coats in the morning? Instead, just add hooks or baskets to easy-to-reach locations. Don’t have 30 minutes of chores for your kids when they come home from school, but do make sure homework is on the table, coats and backpacks are hung up, etc., before the TV is turned on.
9. Have a list for each day on a white board. Every Sunday I copy everything from my calendar to the white board in the kitchen. It lists the day library books are due, permission slips, when extra reading class is, etc. If anyone else needs to help you during a difficult time, this is also an easy way for them to see what is due or who needs picked up when and where.
10. Have a backup plan. If you are unable to drive your children to school, is there someone you can call occasionally on an exceptionally bad day? Is there anyone who walks with their kids you would trust to allow your child to walk with sometimes?
11. You mentioned, “At night I am so drained, I have not been doing my best at laying everything out at night. I think I should try finding a moment during the day to start doing this now.” We’ve all been there! Do whatever makes sense to you. Clothes can be picked out on the weekends. Organize lunch snacks on the weekends. I put lots of non-perishable snacks for lunches in zipper bags on the weekends and label the day so he has variety. My son, 8, has also just learned how to make a peanut butter sandwich. If I let him make me a half of sandwich at the same time, he thinks it is fun and helpful.
12. Try to get silly. I know singing a song or making faces may be the last thing you feel like doing, but if everyone gets in the car on time or to the bus stop, have some routine that rewards the kids. My son loves for us to come up with a story, taking turns making up one sentence at a time. Some children who have ADD or sensory processing disorder may benefit from a few minutes of running around outside or pulling the wagon around full of something heavy while waiting for the bus. (We’ve done this: If you are interested it is called the “sensory diet.”) It feels good to get them out the door with smiles on their face, and they will have happy memories of mom being fun, not moaning and groaning.

Hope this helps, and yes, I know it is MUCH easier said then done. I am still trying daily to take my own advice! We are here for you for support for those rough days.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and a mother of an 8-year-old son who has a ton of energy! She is working on a book for Christian moms with a chronic illness. If you would like to submit your own tips, questions, experience, stories, etc. she’d love to have them!

I keep hearing people talk online about “living well” with a chronic illness or being a “healthy chronically ill person.” How can I live “well” when I don’t have any control over what my body does or doesn’t do? It’s very confusing and it feels like I’m still being blamed for being chronically ill. Can you discuss the perception that an individual with a chronic illness can be healthy

Choosing to live well with a chronic illness isn’t easy. But after living with systemic lupus for more than 9 years, I now know that taking this step is paramount to improving life with a chronic illness. It takes keen self-awareness, patience, and forethought to actually choose “well”, but it can be done, and the results are worth every bit of effort you put forth.

What does choosing “well” mean? It means acknowledging that you have an illness that is chronic, one that won’t go away, no matter how much you want it to. It means accepting the fact that life may need to change because of that illness, and committing to do whatever it takes to improve your situation. It means declaring, “Yes, I have lupus [or whatever illness you have]. Now what can I do to make life with my illness better?”

For years, I didn’t realize I had a choice to make. I thought I was at the mercy of the disease – the symptoms, the side-effects, the medications, and the doctor’s orders. What I couldn’t understand is that every time I worked too long, refused help from a family member, or failed to push my doctor for an explanation, I was choosing poorly. I wasn’t doing everything I could to accommodate or understand my illness.

In fact, I was doing everything not to. I was fighting life, rather than living it. And I was choosing to do so. I was trying to ignore the disease, acting as if it wasn’t affecting me or my ability to function, perhaps hoping that it would just go away. But chronic illnesses don’t just disappear. We must embrace the disease in order to make it as inconspicuous as possible. And we do that by choosing “well”, each and every day.

Sara Gorman was diagnosed in January of 2001 with systemic lupus at the age of 26. Determined not to let a chronic illness dictate her plans for the future, she refused to admit that her busy lifestyle and indomitable attitude were hindering her chances for a long, productive life. After four years of running her body into the ground, she decided to make it her top priority to start living well, despite lupus. The steps she took to regain the health and wellness she’d lost are outlined in her book, Despite Lupus: How to Live Well with a Chronic Illness. Letting go of her career, postponing plans for pregnancy, and cutting off her hair (or what she had left) are just a few of the monumental, courageous steps she took to reach her goal of living well, despite lupus. A native of Indiana and graduate of the University of Notre Dame, Sara resides in Alexandria, Virginia with her husband, 1 year old daughter, and pug dog.

I believe I’ve set proper boundaries with both parents (they’re divorced) & I’m at peace with that in itself, but I’m still having a hard time emotionally letting go of my extended family. How can I stop feeling guilty? My mother doesn’t see that my need to still enforce boundaries isn’t unforgiveness, but caution & a desire to ensure my children’s safety. On the other side, my father & step-mother are pressuring us to move closer to them so they can spend more time with their gr&children. I can’t win with either parent & I feel like I’m being treated like a child. I’m almost to the point of cutting ties with both of them. My husb& has been 100% in agreement with my st& & is very supportive.

However, I display anger mixed with guilt whenever I encounter any of them. I’m still hopeful that God is working through this situation & I fear that cutting ties with them is not the answer. Please advise.

I agree with you. I don’t think totally cutting off ties with your family is the answer. Learning to let go of the guilt of displeasing them or making them unhappy is. I think women struggle with this more than men. We want others, especially our parents, to be happy with us, approve of our decisions & think we made good choices. When they show their disapproval or disappointment with our choices, we tend to second guess our decisions, &/or feel guilty for going against what they want or think is best.

I remember when I decided to hold my son back from starting school until he turned 6. This was unheard of twenty-five years ago & my extended family didn’t underst&, nor did they think it was smart. They were entitled to disagree, but I found it hard to forge ahead without second guessing myself or feeling a twinge of guilt for going against the family norm.

Part of being a healthy adult (emotionally) is the ability to make decisions for yourself without feeling like you need everyone else’s approval & to tolerate their disapproval without getting undone.

I like the story in Mark 1 where Jesus went to Peter’s home for a short reprieve from ministry. However, before long, the text says the whole town gathered at the door bringing sick & needy people to Jesus for healing. Jesus graciously ministered to the group, but at some point we know he stopped & went to sleep because it says, “early the next morning Jesus went out to pray.” Before long, Peter comes looking for Jesus telling him to come back to the house because everyone is still waiting for him. Apparently there were people who were yet unhealed, waiting for Jesus.

Jesus’ answer is somewhat shocking. He says he’s not going back. In fact, he’s going on to Jerusalem to preach because that’s why he’s come. Imagine all the people left who were angry & disappointed in Jesus. Perhaps even the disciples disapproved of Jesus’ decision.

If Jesus, who was perfect, couldn’t please everyone & make them happy all of the time, neither can we. Your mother, father, & step-mother may be disappointed that you’re not willing to live your life like they want you to. It may be in big areas like moving closer to home, or even in little areas like coming to dinner every Sunday afternoon or allowing them to take the children overnight.

Part of your continued growth right now is to respectfully disagree & do what’s in the best interest of your husb& & children. When the scriptures tell us to leave & cleave, I believe it’s not just a physical leaving but also an emotional one. You are not a bad daughter if you don’t make them happy all of the time or disagree with their ideas. But you must also let go of the idea that they will always agree with yours.

So I’d encourage you to do the work you need to do right now to let go of the guilt & internal voices of condemnation that are eating at you. Those are the things that are triggering your anger. When you can break free of those things, then you will be able to disagree & not feel that tug of guilt.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, & families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy” is her most recent book & is available for purchase at your local bookstore, Amazon, or at Leslie’s website. This book will help you recognize & change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices & learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative & painful emotions quicker; & transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, & purpose.

Read some of your other questions & answers at Her blog at LeslieVernick.blogspot.com , including an article called “How to I make good female friendships? I’ve been burned.”

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My life seems to be one struggle after another and I am so tired of always being in survival mode.My friends tell me I am dwelling on the negative too much, but if I am not housebound from pain, I am at a doctor’s appointment. I’d love to have some fun, but I don’t know how to find it. -April

The way we look at things affects our happiness levels. There’s a little poem that reads, “Two men looked out prison bars, one saw mud, the other stars.” The apostle Paul applied that truth to his own life. That’s how he experienced joy even while in prison (Read Philippians).

Paul knew that life was hard, but he also counseled people not to dwell on the negative. Rather, he says, “Fix your thoughts on what is true & honorable, & right, & pure & lovely, & admirable. Think about things that are excellent & worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:8).

Recent studies in positive psychology confirm the truths of God’s word. It is good to give thanks in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Research shows that those who regularly practice gratitude are happier people than those who are more prone to grumbling & complaining.

I used to think that it was God’s will for us to be holy not happy but I don’t believe that anymore. God surely calls us to be holy but he also made us to be happy. Holiness & happiness are not opposites but part of a whole. Holiness leads to wholeness & wholeness leads to happiness.

Holy people are happy people. They have found their source of joy, peace, love & hope to be God & are living in sync with their created purpose.

Happiness is not simply a choice, it is also a skill that we need to learn & regularly practice in order to maximize our ability to experience it. Imagine how much happier you’d feel if you weren’t stuck in your negative emotions, bad moods, or difficult life circumstances.

I am finally learning how to be a happier person & you can too.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, & families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy” is her most recent book & is available for purchase at your local bookstore, Amazon, or at Leslie’s website. This book will help you recognize & change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices & learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative & painful emotions quicker; & transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, & purpose.

Read some of your other questions & answers at Her blog at LeslieVernick.blogspot.com , including an article called “How to I make good female friendships? I’ve been burned.”

I am 32 years old & was recently diagnosed with diabetes on top of having another chronic condition. I am very frustrated, & I feel like I have always had a gracious spirit & have been patient to discover the Lord’s plans for my life despite the challenges of chronic illnesses. But lately I am more discouraged than ever & if one more person tells me that I should be thankful that it’s not worse, I am going to scream. Any advice? –Jackie

Hi Jackie. I know what it’s like to live with chronic illness. I’ve struggled for several years with an autoimmune form of arthritis that keeps me in a lot of pain. Mornings are the hardest, so I’ve tried to remember to start each day by reading my Bible & praising God. There are days when I have to limp my way to the kitchen table to read my devotional & my Bible. Maybe you can relate! Hard as it might be, (& trust me, I know it’s tough), you really can praise your way through the storms of life.

I’m reminded of the story of Jehosophat, in the Old Testament. When Israel was at war against a mighty enemy, Jehosophat & the other Levites (worshipers) were sent to the front lines of the battle. Why? They led the Israelite warriors toward the enemy with praise on their lips & instruments blaring! And guess what? The battle was won. I sincerely believe that message is for us, today. Our battles are won in praise.

Sound impossible? That’s exactly what the enemy of your soul wants you to believe. He wants you think it’s impossible to thank/praise God in all situations. But it’s not. The strength to praise comes from the inward man, not the outward man. In other words, even if you were lying in a bed completely incapacitated, your inward man could still celebrate. Sure, it’s hard. But making a conscious effort to praise (& giving yourself reminders to do so) will strengthen you from the inside out. There’s a great worship song we sing at my church. The words “From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out to you” ring true in my ears. When I don’t have the strength on the outside, I must depend on the Spirit’s work from the inside-out. My prayer is that you will discover the joy of inward praise, particularly when the outward circumstances dictate otherwise. By doing so, you will take huge steps toward an emotional & spiritual victory.

Janice Hanna Thompson is the Christian author of over fifty books for the Christian market. She is an empty nest mom who lives with two naughty dachshunds. (Truthfully, the dogs are harder to raise than the kids were.) Janice battles psoriatic arthritis & also uses a CPAP for sleep apnea. In spite of her struggles, she chooses to praise the Lord “in the storm” & hopes to encourage others along the way with her writings. Be sure to visit her website for a wide-variety of books!