This is Me

Oh, The Emotions You Can Find in a Walk-In Closet

March 22, 2012 By admin 5 Comments

By Lisa Copen A walk in closet I have not walked into for . . . years. My husband uses most of it, but my clothes--in about 10 different sizes--sit on the bars. The wire baskets hold old t-shirts. An Old Navy shirt, size small, mocks me with the year 2004 on it. The day previously I started throwing them into bags. I have become sick of the clutter all over my house and have been purging for months. But this closet has overwhelmed me. I had no plans to take care of the closet this weekend. . . and I have discovered that this works best for me. This way, any effort is a step in the right direction, but I don't have to use up all my energy on it. I can pace myself. But Saturday morning I started bagging items up, and in less than two … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Articles - Read, Depression, Fashion, Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Closet, Clothing, Foot, Footwear, Old Navy, San Diego, Shoe, Shopping

Hold My Hand, Mommy

March 5, 2012 By admin 3 Comments

By Lisa Copen "Here, Mom, hold my hand and I will help you," my son says. We have just left his Tae Kwon Do studio and we're parked nearby in the disabled parking spot. When I stood up from the chair my knee went out. . . again. The eighteen years of rheumatoid arthritis have caused my knees to be filled with brittle pieces of bone that have broken off, calcium deposits, and calcified blood clots. As we walked out the door, I held the door frame, trying to get out of the way of the swarm of sweating students. A piece of something in my knee is stuck in a bad place and I can barely put weight on my leg. My leg will not unbend all the way. I was stricken with intense pain but trying to not show it, as I didn't want his friends to … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Articles - Read, Founder's Blog, Parenting, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: chronically ill mom concerns, Facebook features, God, ill mom, Jesu, lisa copen, Lord, mom with illness, Mother, parenting when ill, parentingwith chronic illness, Rest Ministries, San Diego, worries moms have

From Lisa – Resting in the New Year

January 9, 2012 By admin 21 Comments

It is the second week in January. According to the world, it is time to "get busy." But I feel like molasses is a world of energy drinks. I still have much I want to give, but it is not bubbling just below the surface like it usually does. Despite all the hype about doing, I am just concentrating on being. Well, the word "concentrating" is over-stating the reality. Honestly, I am just wandering around, resting in not having a to-do list of items that "must be done today or else," and yet, still feeling like I am wasting time by just resting. There is a long list of things I should be doing for this ministry. I feel my presence has not been what protocol dictates. Yet, I don't like to fake it. I want to be real with you. I want to be … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Announcements, Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New?

My Blue Rocking Chair

November 11, 2011 By admin 3 Comments

It's uncomfortable to sit in. You barely can relax before it tips and you feel like it will dump you backwards. But I like how it makes me feel. I got it at a discount store, and it was white. Eventually the hot sun cracked the paint. It slivered off like small pieces of icicle coating my patio. I bought deep red paint for it. I like red. It's bold, energizing. I need more energy. Red is good. My parents came to visit. Dad painted it for me and left it out in the grass to dry. The next morning. . . "Are those sprinklers?" Dad asked. "Yes, why?" Long pause. . . "The chair!" he yells and runs out to the grass. Streaked paint. The red paint was now called "primer." One day I am listening to one of my favorite … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Attitude, Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New?

A Tiny Step Toward Being the Salt In a Day Filled with Sugar

November 2, 2011 By admin 2 Comments

My son is actually out wiping down the chairs with a paper towel. It is October 31, 2011 and we are setting up a movie in our front yard with a projector and serving cocoa and donuts (and candy of course). This year I bought a little projector that you can connect up to a DVD player, and itouch, etc. I had hoped to have a "movie night" in our yard and get to know the neighbors. It never happened. So I decide I will try again for Halloween. In my search for an abundant life that Jesus promises we each have available, I would like to get to know neighbors better, to be involved in events like my son's holiday memories, even when I cannot do it all, like walk around the neighborhood and collect candy. Despite all that sugar of Halloween, … [Read more...]

Filed Under: This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: God, Halloween, Jesus, lisa copen, Mother, Rest Ministries, San Diego, Trick or Treat

Searching For My Abundant Life

October 27, 2011 By admin 4 Comments

Emotional and spiritual growth. It is hard. I sit here balancing my netbook on my lap. If I rest my elbows on the arms of my chair I can sort of type. Both shoulders are throbbing. Ache. Pause. Shooting pain. Pause. Throb. Pause. They have hurt since before going to bed last night and did not improve. But due to my jaw swelling shut the day before, I was too focused on the pain there. My head ached. This morning the head is somewhat better. But now I feel the shoulders. Please, Lord, I cry out. Don't let this be my day! I already gave Tuesday and Wednesday to my illness. I want Thursday! I need to go and take a shower. Get dressed. But I can barely stand. I cannot reach my head to even pat down the bed head. How long … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Coping Skills, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Abundant life, Christian, Facebook features, God, Jesus, Lord, Rest Ministries, San Diego

I Am Sad, But Choosing Defiant Joy

October 15, 2011 By admin 26 Comments

Tears are sitting on the edge of my eyes. Filling. . . filling. I wipe it fast before my son sees me. I have a friend who is having a fun Saturday morning get together right now. 10 AM. A morning with the gals. A "retiring from 9-5" party for someone starting her own business. I should be there. Rheumatoid arthritis keeps getting in the way. Everything within me is sitting beneath the surface, ready to erupt grief, frustration, anger, sorrow. My husband has been snoring for years, worse all the time. Gasping for breath. He finally fills out the paperwork for a sleep study. A rep drops off the gadget he should wear at night. "I will be back tomorrow morning to pick it up," he says. But that night I tell my husband it's not a good … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Founder's Blog, Joy, Loneliness, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Conditions and Diseases, God, Health, Night, Sleep disorder

The Somber Hope of a New Medication

October 1, 2011 By admin 4 Comments

Sitting at the infusion center at my rheumatologist's office with an I.V. in my arm. I am getting the Rituxan. I trust you, Lord. It is a miracle. . . a miracle mixed in with a melancholy mood. It is a chemo drug. . . now approved for rheumatoid arthritis. Evidently it "works," but there is something about knowing it was designed to treat cancer that gives me fidgety feelings. I have taken cancer meds in the past. You don't embrace the drug as an answer. You juggle the undercurrent of tolerance mixed with hope. I trust you, Lord. I read the side effects on the US National Library of Medicine. The first box is a big warning: Some people who received Rituximab experienced severe reactions to the medication. Some of these … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Benadryl, Friday, God, Infusion, Pharmaceutical drug, Rest Ministries, Rituximab, San Diego

When I Really Cannot Do It

September 20, 2011 By admin 8 Comments

I can't do it. Oh, God, I really can't do it, can I? I rarely utter the thoughts, much less the words, "I can't do it." I usually say, "not today," or "maybe some other time." But one night in July I was standing on the bottom step of the 3 steps that led into the camper where I was to sleep for the second night. My husband was inside trying to arrange the foam cushions and make it as comfortable as possible for me. I jokingly say, "If I get in there I don't know if I will be able to get out!" and smile. But then, I tell him to let me try out the bed first before he arranges the next cushion. I grasp the large handle by the door. I think to myself "now pull up." The body doesn't move. "Now pull up." I am in so much pain I cannot … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Campsite, God, husband, Motel, Mother, Rest Ministries, Rheumatoid arthritis, San Diego

Withdrawls

September 8, 2011 By admin 7 Comments

I am down to 10 mgs of prednisone. It's taken 4 months. I was at 20 mgs for nearly 3 years. "Prednisone is not good for you!" people told me. I know. If only you knew, I wanted to say. See this fat? See my eyes with huge cataracts? My swollen feet? . . . I know. But I don't know what to do. I flared out of control at 19 mg. After a decade with the same rheumatologist, I found a new doctor in April. Please, Lord, let him be able to help me. He is helping me. I like him. I believe he knows what he is doing. He treats chronic symptoms with long-term help, acute symptoms with temporary relief so my life can continue. I am now down to 10 mg from 20. A miracle. My goal is 5. I will likely be at 5 the rest of my … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Coping Skills, Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Cold turkey, Counties, Health, Lord, Rest Ministries, Rheumatoid arthritis, San Diego, United States

An Unexpected Best. . . Day. . . Ever

August 29, 2011 By admin 4 Comments

"Mom, this was the best day ever." My son is riding in the backseat nibbling on a star chicken nugget. I woke up just a few hours earlier. I had been up most of the night fighting side effects of a medication. Sick again and worst . . . headache . . . ever. Twelve hours of a cold washcloth on my forehead had done nothing. Last day of summer. Oh, Lord, this is not the day I imagined. No energy = no fun. Now what? I texted a friend at 3 AM to see if she was taking her kids to the movie morning. 7 AM, I drag myself out of bed to check for messages. No reply. She calls by 8:30, busy day. She feels bad. I don't want her to feel bad. I understand. Everyone is getting ready for school tomorrow. Mommy friends are running around … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: BBC, Chicken nugget, DVD, Home, ITV, Lord, Parenting, Scooby Doo

Watching My Tongue When I Have a Right to Be Frustrated

August 25, 2011 By admin 7 Comments

I am annoyed. I am frustrated. And I am justified. I am just starting to feel a bit better after having a flu-like bug for a few days. Yesterday I scheduled a babysitter to come 11-5 today to take my son to the park, movie, etc. and then to karate. He needs to get out and play. All his friends are on vacation, at camp. He is bored and I don't blame him. For the first time in three days I ate a little something for breakfast and have been up for a couple of hours. The sitter was to arrive at in an hour. . . and she just texted me. She "forgot" that she was volunteering for a nonprofit organization today. "Can I come tomorrow instead?" she asks. Uh . . .no. I specifically told her, at 4 PM yesterday, the reason I needed her was … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Founder's Blog, This is Me, What's New? Tagged With: Excedrin, Family, God, Mother, Parenting, Rest Ministries, San Diego, Satan