By Lisa Copen

Have you seen the T.V. show, “What Would You Do? With John Quinones“? In it, they have actors set up a situation and then wait to see if anyone gets involved. Do people stand up for the “underdog”? Will adults buy teens beer? Will people stop a drunk parent from driving? Results are very interesting.

Below are some scenarios to help church leaders think, “What would our church do?” We always hope that we will do the right thing. We believe our church will make the best choices for all involved. But sometimes the lines get buried. Phone calls don’t get returned because no one has an answer for the hurting person.

Too often I hear from people who have called their church with stories like the ones below and the receptionist offers the quick response of, “Well, we don’t really have any programs for that, but our services are at 8 and 10:30.” And just because someone is a pastor, a chaplain, or a deacon, doesn’t mean that they always are able to express things exactly how they would like. Our church leadership and all members of pastoral care can benefit greatly from discussing these situations and asking, “What would we do?”

So. . .what would your church do? The last thing you want you want is for someone to hang up the phone when calling your church and think like Job did, “I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:2)

When the apostle Paul wrote the Corinthians he said,

^“For when we came into Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever. (2 Corinthians 7:5-7)

He speaks of conflicts and fears, but also comfort, longing, and concern. When we know someone is concerned for us, it can produce comfort and even joy.

Below are 7 scenarios that you can print out and use in your church to see how people in leadership would respond. Read the situations and discuss them. Have people ask questions or step into the shoes of the person who the scenario is about and probe deeper. By going over some of this together with other people in church leadership, when similar situations actually arise you will be given the gift of having discussed this in advance and having an idea of how to answer.

Scenario #1 – Nancy, 64, single

Nancy has attended your church’s denomination in Virginia for 10 years, but stopped going two years ago when her degenerative disc disease caused her to be unable to sit for more than 15 minutes. She moved to this community last month and has called the church to see if there are any ways she can get involved. She would like to make some new women friends and fellowship. She moved here because her son and his family live nearby, but her son works and travels a lot. Nancy’s daughter-in-law doesn’t seem to understand the pain she in on a daily basis, or the fact that she can’t drive to her home and babysit for her for hours.

Nancy is feeling saddened, but also hopeful that she can connect with someone at the church. What do you tell her?

Scenario #2 – Jeff, 39, married

Last week you ran into Jeff. He was looking at a cycling magazine in a waiting room and you commented on your similar interests. He confided that he doesn’t cycle any longer since he was diagnosed with severe chronic fatigue syndrome last year. And then he opened up to you that he is a bit lost. He can barely work, his wife is growing frustrated and distant, and he is unable to coach his nine-year-old son’s baseball team any longer. He wonders if the pain doesn’t stop. . . if maybe his family would be “better off without him.” He jokingly said “There are ways I can make it look like a bicycle accident so my family is taken care of.”

You asked him about his faith and he said he used to believe in God when he was a child, but if there is a God–he’s not interested in Him because no God of love would allow such suffering. How do you respond?

Scenario #3 – Sarah, 26, married

Sarah and her spouse have attended your church for five years. She has dealt with infertility issues, but has still volunteered at Vacation Bible School and Sunday School. Now she has recently been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and can barely get out of bed in the morning, plus she has discovered that she is two months pregnant. Last week, she saw her neighbor, who currently has cancer and also goes to your church, have people stop over with meals, flowers, etc. She’s happy her neighbor has the help, but she also feels alone and overwhelmed.

When she confided in a woman at Bible study about the stress she was feeling she was told, “God will just take care of it!” But Sarah is scared that her medications may cause birth defects. Her husband is scared too, and blocking her out. He is working extra hours, wondering how he will provide for her and the baby and the additional care they both may need. This is more responsibility than he thinks he can handle.

Sarah is starting to wonder why God has allowed her to feel so physically awful during what should be a joyful time. And what does she even pray for? How do you respond to Sarah?

Scenario #4 – Joe and his wife, 49, married

Joe’s wife called the church. She is 49 and Joe has just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He also has diabetes and she has congestive heart disease. Joe refuses to talk to anyone about it, including her. But he is doubting whether to even seek treatment. She is scared for his life and if he may actually take his life. She is scared for her life as well. And all the stress is not good for her heart.

They attend your church about once a month, but it is even harder to get there now. She needs prayer. She wonders where God is in all of this. She needs help with some basics, like getting Christmas lights down (it’s April!). And she wonders if there any man he may be able to talk to Joe? What do you tell her?

Scenario #5 – Laura, 39, single mom of a teenager

Laura has heard that your church has a great teen program and although she goes to another church, she is feeling invisible there. She is a single mom and her daughter, Jessica, is 19 years old and survived a brain tumor last year. Jessica lived with Laura’s mother, (her grandmother) who served as her daily caregiver, so that Laura could keep her job and her health insurance to best care for her daughter.

Now Jessica lives with her mom and in your community, and is homeschooled. But she needs friends who will understand that she had some delays with cognitive abilities and is self-conscious of some of the things that are challenging for her. What do you suggest? How do you prepare and introduce the youth group to Jessica?

Scenario #6 – Ellen, 58, diabetes and caregiver

Ellen is new in town, but she has always been part of your denomination. She is a grandmother to Shane, who is 13, and severely autistic. Shane’s dad (Ellen’s son) and Shane live with Ellen, but Shane’s dad travels a lot for work and Ellen’s former support system for fellowship and respite help is gone with their relocation.

Ellen hates asking for help, but she’s eager to just go to a women’s Bible study or talk to other caregivers. She is quickly growing exhausted caring for Shane and is becoming resentful — to Shane, to his dad (her son) — and to God. It’s no one’s fault. Shane lost his mother to cancer when he was two years old so Ellen stepped in to help raise him. But she’s been diabetic for 10 years now and the doctor visits are never ending between her and Shane. Trying to control Shane at her own doctor’s appointments is a disaster and yet there aren’t any babysitters she trusts, since Shane has some special needs.

Where is God and why has he allowed so many burdens to hit their family? How would you encourage this woman and offer her practical help through your church?

Scenario #7 – Rebecca, 22, lives with boyfriend

Rebecca lives in your community and you have seen her a few times at church, but it has been six months or so since her last visit. She lives with her boyfriend and you have never met him. Last week you drove a friend to the emergency room, and Rebecca was there in the waiting room, quite beaten up.

You went over to her and sat down to try to offer some comfort. At first she said she had been mugged, but as you began to pray for her, she told you to stop. Through tears, she confessed that her boyfriend Mark had beaten her up pretty badly. She has had fibromyalgia for two years. Some days are okay, but other days she can barely get out of bed. Mark told her she was a hypochondriac and making it up for attention.

He insisted if she really was that ill, then she should just quit her job and just rely on him. But she can’t quit her job! She has been the one providing for him for years! Plus, she would lose her health insurance. She is scared to leave him though and worried if he would make it without her. It is obvious to you that her boyfriend has a great deal of emotional control over her. It is also impacting her health and illness. And now with a black eye and a broken nose, she may lose her job anyway. What do you suggest?

________________________________

Overwhelming, isn’t it? It is even more exhausting to live these lives –not just read about them. With chronic conditions hitting nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA, it oftentimes hits one family multiple times as in some of the scenarios above.

What can your church leadership learn from these examples?

It can be hard to just listen but remember that “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) By giving “pat” answers of “I’m sure God will work it all out” we are saying, “I don’t have time for this or really know what to do so I will reassure them that God is in control. But is that shutting our ears? Even if we don’t have the answers, listening can be one of our greatest gifts. And if we don’t? Well, that can be one of our biggest downfalls, for scripture tells us, “If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.” (Proverbs 21:13)

Why should we take the time to prepare in advance?
Because Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” With time spent in the Word, and discussing it together, we may know in advance more fully how to answer. “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” (1 Peter 3:15)

I look forward to your comments below about how this worked as a discussion tool–or–how these stories even touched your lives. They may be “fiction” on this page, but they are based on real emails I receive every day.

Related articles: What I’d Like to Tell My Pastor About Living with Illness (restministries.com)

When one is chronically ill, and a friend wishes to help her, the first thing that comes to mind is to bring her a meal. In fact, since the most popular gift to bring is a meal, I wrote the book, Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend to get people to think beyond food.

Having said, that, however, a meal is a gift of comfort. And even though we may be physically able to cook, it takes a burden off of us so that we can use the energy we would have spent cooking doing something else.

I have discovered that many people who cook for the chronically ill are actually ill themselves. Though it is easy to understand new mommies and those who have just had surgery are in need of meals, those who see a chronically ill friend at the bank and picking their daughter up from school, it’s hard to understand why they would need someone to cook for them.

But those who have a chronic illness understand just how much a meal can make a difference. It makes a difference in practical ways, like not having to cook dinner for your family that night. But it also tells someone, “I acknowledge your (invisible) illness. I recognize how hard it can be to just get through the day sometimes. I know how hard you are trying to do it all and not complain. Let me give you this gift.”

So, in that spirit, here at Rest Ministries we are providing some fun printables to use when you give someone a meal. These can be downloaded and then printed out. You can tape it onto the foil covering a meal, print it on label paper you can get at your local office supply store, or punch a hole and attach it with a piece of ribbon. It makes that special meal a true gift and tells the person you are delivering it to that they are very special!

The circles can be added to any little item, condiment, gift bag of something, etc. with a note from you!

Please feel free to share these, “pin them”, print out and distribute them to people in your support group to use, email the link to your women’s ministry leader–whatever you can do to share. Our only stipulation is that you do not repost them as your own creation. Thanks! You can download these free printable meal delivery labels here or click the image below.

And… leave a comment below and we will randomly choose three winners next Monday of my book “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, for those who want to go beyond the casseroles!

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

I am happy to be able to call Edna a friend through a Christian women writers organization, but even I didn’t know all that she had experienced in her life until I read this book. This woman has every right to write about her journey with suffering and how to use it for God’s plans.

This is an interactive 6-week Bible study that helps guide the reader through her pain and to a point where she can see how God may just use it. In my opinion, this book would most benefit those who have gone through the grief cycle of a period of suffering, who are now looking for how to use this pain and experience for God’s glory.

For example, if you were diagnosed with a chronic illness last week, this book likely will not meet your needs–yet! But when you have gone through the times of grief, anger, bargaining with God, etc. and are to the point where you want to step out of that grief cycle and into a place where God can use your pain, this is one of the best books I have ever seen to lead you on the next steps.

• In the chapter, “Trusting in Others: God Given Guidance” it explains the need for women to have mentors and some possibilities for you to become a mentor for women in your neighborhood, church, or as a volunteer at an organization.
• “Praying For Others With Serious Problems” explains how to pray for those who are suffering a great deal. This topic is one that Christian leaders are somehow just expected to know how to do, but are rarely taught.
• “Your God-Given Passion: God’s Motivation” reminds us how look for the “hurt points” we have had in our life and to recognize how they may be the most important ways that God can use us, as we can relate with the hurts others are going through.

If you are tired of just reacting to the pains in your life, and you are ready to pro-actively respond to them instead–in ways that will bring God glory and help you discover His will for your life–this book is for you! Edna wraps her arms around you, cautious to tread lightly on your hurts that still may be a bit raw, but she also encourages you and helps the reader see the potential God has for all the sufferings in her life.

The fact that this is a workbook, and not just a book to read, makes it a tool to not just encourage you to follow the plans God has for your life, but a way to actually be able to discover them, focus them, and then start reaching for them.

This book is 224 pages, and is larger than your average book at 8.9 x 7.5 inches.

Edna Ellison, who holds a Ph.D., speaks to women all over the world. According to her Amazon profile, she loves collecting Christian jokes and leading women in her church in the Beautiful Hat Society, a group of Christian women who meet monthly for encouragement, laughter, and a time of sharing their mentoring adventures.

Get it today at the Rest Ministries Shop! Our bookstore is how we find the funds to keep us going so your purchases help us keep the computers running!

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

A few months ago a friend of mine, Linda Evans Shepherd, announced to our group of Christian women writers that she was starting a blog specifically to reach out to those who were considering suicide. I have to say that anything Linda touches is done well and with complete passion and heart behind it. Her most recent web site, Finding God Daily, has a wonderful collection of articles about all the places we can find God!

But would I be able to make a commitment to write an article or two a month about suicide? What do I know that may encourage someone else? And I just have a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology, while many of the writers are professional counselors.

But then I got an email from someone at Rest Ministries pouring her heart out. . . about taking her life. And all those statistics about chronic pain or physical illness being the cause of about 70 percent of suicides kept popping up in my mind in the next few days (Source: Mackenzie TB, Popkin MK: “Suicide in the medical patient.” Intl J Psych in Med 17:3-22, 1987).

So I prayed about it. And God said, “Do it.”

I emailed Linda and volunteered and was accepted as a writer for this new amazing blog Thinking About Suicide. It just kicked off last week on Wednesday, March 21, 2012. Why a Wednesday? Linda explains in one of the blog posts How to Live Through Hump Day that Wednesday is the day when most suicides occur.

In just a little over a week there is a wonderful growing collection of blog posts by this team of writers. Recently, author Karen Boerger wrote about Help For Chronic Pain With Suicidal Thoughts.

Our hope is that through a collection of various articles, when people search the internet about “thinking about suicide” this web site will come up, and not only will one find hope for the moment, but also a Christ-based resource that will provide answers about where that real, enduring hope comes from.

Please make a note to yourself that this blog exists and if you, or someone you know, needs a resource to turn to through a difficult time, visit it for a pick-me-up. If you are seriously considering suicide, I urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) without delay.

Also, if there is something you are personally experiencing with hopelessness and would like me to consider addressing it in a future blog post over at Thinking About Suicide, please let me know.

My first article will appear on Wednesday, April 4, 2012. “Why Bother Living When I Am Facing a Serious Infection Without a Hand to Hold?”

If you are having a rough day, here are a few resources on our web site that discuss suicide– a tough but very real topic.

• When You Are Tempted to Speed Up The Trip to Heaven
• I Forgot: My Life is Not My Own, Christian Author Shares About Her Attempted Suicide
• Assisted Suicide Due to Pain of Illness and How it Fits With Our Belief in God

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

An antiseptic smell I couldn’t quite place permeated the air. Perhaps it was a combination of Pine Sol and Clorox. Industrial carpet woven in blues and reds needed a vacuum. A lone ant traveled by my foot. I took the damp tissue in my hand and squashed it. A few fluorescents created shadows which revealed the starkness of the room. The barren environment mimicked the fact that I was the only occupant waiting.

It was the middle of the night, and I lay curled on my side wondering if my husband was going to live through surgery.

I also–possibly selfishly, yet realistically–wondered if my body would allow me to make it through the ordeal. Having postural intolerance, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia severely limit how much time I can be out of bed each day. Normal, everyday activities for most people, like driving to a hospital and sitting for any length of time, are a challenge for me. Doing it for hours is virtually impossible.

My life had taken on a surreal quality since the midnight phone call. A stranger had informed me that Mike was being life flighted back home from Boy Scout Camp. Was I really lying on a hospital floor hoping my body would hold out until I could get information on Mike? Maybe I should call my sister to come sit with me, but we were arguing. What about, I couldn’t remember.

All I knew was I was alone—too alone. For moments I’d seem okay, like I was holding it together; then, the realness of the situation would come over me like the feeling you get when you jump into a pool on your first day of summer vacation. You know the water will be cold, but it’s still a shock. You can’t believe you’ve gone from dripping sweat to shivering violently in the space of seconds. I tried to make sense of the frigid water, but I couldn’t. I wanted back on dry land.

My bible lay open to Psalm 23, yet all I could do was scan the words as my mind flitted about. A bottle of Gatorade with salt packets I’d asked the E.R. nurse for sat beside it. I must have left my baggie of salt at home. My cell phone, a wad of tissues and purse surrounded me. The shawl I wore for writing was draped over my chest. It reminded me of home which helped to alleviate the uneasiness of my surroundings. How much longer would I have to wait? I was trying to keep from panicking; trying to keep it together. It was a battle I was beginning to lose.

I started flipping pages in my Bible. Okay, Lord, I need some help here. I’m scared. My eyes settled on Psalm 63:8 “My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.”

I am clinging to you, God. Since I am doing that, I am going to trust Your Word that says You will uphold me. You know how I struggle with trusting You. I am weak, but You are strong. I need You, Lord. I can’t do this alone. I know that all power in heaven and earth is Yours. I’m asking You to allow Mike to stay with me. I need him. The kids need him. I’m begging You. I also know that Mike is Yours, not mine. So, for me to have peace, I surrender the love of my life into Your hands. If You take him home, I will be angry and grief stricken. But, if that is Your plan, help me to accept it. I can’t do any of this alone. I’m afraid, Jesus. Amen.

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that nothing around me had changed. The waiting room was still bathed in glowing light. Disinfectant hung heavy in the air. There was not another person in sight. And, yet, I felt different.

A tinge of peace subdued my fearful thoughts. The burden I’d been carrying on my own had eased. I felt a little freer, a little lighter. Talking with God had transferred the enormity of the situation from my limited, human hands to His powerful ones.

Honestly, I was still scared, still anxious. But, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t feel so overwhelmed. I knew God was in this with me, and that He would help me face whatever was to come. So, I did the next thing I could. I took a deep breath, gathered my soggy tissues, and went to find someone who could give me an update about Mike.

By the way, my story has a happy ending. I was able to stay at the hospital until Mike was admitted to a private room following surgery. Since that time, he has made a full recovery.

Dana Kennedy is a survivor, encourager, wife and mother. She writes a devotional column for Glory and Strength e-magazine. It has taken Dana the better part of 17 years to begin to understand the gifts God has hidden for her in chronic illness, especially Himself. Dana welcomes your contact at dtearosee@earthlink.net

Has your “healthy” spouse had a medical issue, such as a stroke, cancer, an accident, that left you reeling, wondering how things would “work out”? How did you handle the uncertainty?

By Debbi Farmer

This was a rough week for me. One of my close friends lost her battle with cancer. Shortly after this, I lost my beloved family pet after having her in my life for fourteen years. My business has been almost non-existent the past few weeks because of the bad economy, and my health has taken a serious turn for the worse lately.

I had so much I needed to say to the family of my friend. I had so much I needed to say to my family for losing their sweet pet. I needed to do more in my business, but my health would not allow it. I felt absolutely lost even knowing in my heart that the Lord was holding me and carrying me through.

When you find yourself needing to convey a message to a friend or family, but you need help with the words, well, this is where this wonderful website comes into play! I want everyone to meet a lovely lady named Nancy Beahm and I hope many will check out her website and find encouragement there for their unique situation.

Nancy offers a wonderful service by providing the words we want to say in a life changing situation to encourage another through her custom specialty greeting cards. The following is a clip or two from her website and more about Nancy and “Prayfully Yours”.

Welcome to “Prayfully Yours”!

We often think that we must go through difficult times alone. But that’s not true. Within God’s word is power and hope. It is the sustaining factor that still applies in life today.

No matter if you live with an illness or face a new life phase; have trouble asking for help or tried for a dream but failed, it all comes under the category of every day life, and no one is exempt.

We don’t have to just survive. By the power of God’s Words and Promise we can overcome anything; making no sorrow or trial ever be in vain.

Make a difference in someone’s life. Help spread the word and let people know that there are “Words of hope when life gets hard.”

~ In Christ, Nancy Beahm
Prayfully Yours is a Christian-owned and operated business

Nancy Beahm

Debbi: Please tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to start this ministry.

Nancy:My name is Nancy Beahm and I am 55 years old, and celebrated 35 years of marriage this year to my high school sweetheart. Before my illness I had been a dental hygienist, both working in office settings and then teaching.

I then changed directions and found my way into the trucking industry where I spent the remainder of my working career before I started to become ill, which eventually led me to retire.

I accepted Jesus Christ into my life when I was in college, but didn’t fully surrender to Him for another twenty years or so. While I put God back on the shelf I attempted to heal myself of past wounds and mistakes. The more I was told to rely on God, the more I stood defiant and did the exact opposite.

Years of practicing this philosophy got me to suicide mode because I had used myself up. There was no joy, peace, nor laughter. I was empty. I ended up battling with God for my soul.

So it sounds like you were hitting bottom. What happened next?

After a very long and “messy” four days, I decided I couldn’t live my life on empty any more. I rededicated my life to Him, and for the first time in a long, long time, I felt compassion and empathy–pure joy and peace.
Nine months later I became ill and collapsed at home.

A combination of viral encephalitis, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, culminated into lack of brain and body function. For six years and eight months I couldn’t walk without using leg braces and crutches or an electric cart. My speech was so slurred few people could understand me. Reading and thought comprehension were nearly impossible. My body was in such overall agonizing pain I would vomit for days.

Medically there was nothing that could be done except for pain management.

I am so sorry about the suffering you have experienced. But I understand that God did something miraculous?

Yes! About a year before my total healing, I was woken up in the middle of the night because I felt something like “hot darts” piecing through the top of my skull. This happened at three different times throughout the year. In October of the following year, my brother and I were on the phone. During that conversation something incredible happened. To this day I cannot find the words to fully describe the sound of what we heard. It was like the the earth stood still for a second. The silence was deafening.

A week later my speech came back, I could walk and drive and think. I was healed by the power of God (and yes, a doctor has confirmed it!).

That is amazing. So often we are made to feel as though healing is dependent on our actions or how much faith we have. But you admit you aren’t perfect.

My decision to surrender my life to Christ has been one of the most important choices I’ve ever made. Following Jesus doesn’t mean that life hasn’t been hard at times, nor that I am without mistakes or failures. But it does mean that I’ve made a conscious decision to learn about, and to try as best as I am able, to follow His example. When I fail? God has taught me the importance about being brutally honest as I confess my shortcoming and then I start again.

God’s word is true and it is relevant. And when I earnestly seek Him, He heals everything that needs healing.

So, what happened next?

After my healing, I became a hospice volunteer, visiting patients and working with the family members. I became active at church and started to learn to play cello. Today, my husband and I retired to upstate Pennsylvania. I work part-time for a renewable energy/weatherization company, teach high school Sunday school, sing in choir, play cello, and I enjoy speaking to all types of groups.

Wow. Tell us about your ministry.

“Prayfully Yours” is a business that was developed in 2008 and it actually came to be because of the struggle to understand hope. I was such a driven person, but as my body began to fail me, and as I was unable to continue everything else that identified me as me (work, dance, hobbies) I found myself in a state of inability to control anything–and that I was not accustomed to. It seemed like every time I would dare to hope, the outcome of a situation, surgery, or doctor visit would not turn out the way I hoped for. So along with all the physical symptoms that were endured, I found myself getting angrier and more confused about hope. It was throughout this almost seven year journey of having everything I had and was as a person slowly stripped away from me that I eventually began to understand that hope has nothing to do with outcomes of any situation. It is the strength and motivation that gets you from Point A to Point B to Point C, etc.

What is it you most desire that others gain from your web site ministry?

One of the most difficult times during my disability was when I was out in public with people who didn’t know how to interact with me. I truly believe that most people really wanted to say the right thing, but out of either ignorance or fear, they just didn’t. I was always honest with people about what I was or was not capable of doing, but yet, they shied away or never attempted to accommodate my needs so that I could be apart of anything, even if in just a small way.

I cried often because of the hurt.

When I started writing the verses on the “Prayfully Yours” cards, I wanted to be able to give the general public a tool to help them be able to reach out to someone they knew with either a chronic or serious illness. The cards convey the reality of the difficult times, but always end up, hopefully encouraging and uplifting the person who receives it.

I have also tried to design a site where those who are ill and hurting can come and spend some time. Reading the verses, being uplifted, and finding encouragement that there are people out there who know what they are going through. That is just so important that people who are hurting know that there are people who understand and that they do not have to suffer alone. And that they know they can always reach out to someone who has not only been in their shoes, but can also keep the gift of hope for healing alive within them.

What made you chose your business name and how do you come up with some of the ideas for your card titles?

The website name was actually titled because of the “Prayfully Yours” Specialty line. I will write a card for just about any occasion or situation. After collecting information from the customer about the sentiment(s) they would like to convey, I take some time in prayer for God to lead me to write the words to touch the person who is receiving it. It is my intent that God gets all the recognition for any of the messages that are conveyed on a “Prayfully Yours” card.

Almost all of the original card topics came from my own experiences–either before, during, or after my illness. They convey how I felt at the time, and end up with the encouragement that I had wished I had received, but didn’t. I also love to get into conversations with people who are either dealing with illness and/or the caregivers so that I can keep abreast of topics that need to be written about.

Can you share a passage with our readers from one of your designs and let us know what makes them unique?

Definitions change when a person lives with chronic illness.
Getting out of bed every morning isn’t waking up,
it’s strength.
Accomplishing the necessary chores of the day isn’t housework,
it’s perseverance.
Needing rest isn’t taking it easy,
it’s recouping.
Doing this day after day isn’t a routine,
it’s overcoming
And because you prevail people see . . .
that God’s power is real.

I never liked the label of “survivor.” I truly believe that people diminish not only their strength, courage, and perseverance by using that word, I also believe that God’s healing power gets human confines put onto it. I understand that not everyone will be physically healed, and to this day I can’t even tell you for sure why I was and someone else wasn’t, but I now know that healing takes its shape in all forms; If not physical, then emotional, if not emotional then spiritual–and neither of these types of healing is any less because one may not be physically healed.

I needed to know that then, and didn’t, and my intent is to hopefully bring someone up from hating who they have become because of whatever chronic illness they now live with. People who are ill need to understand that although they may not do what everyone else can, it does not mean they are any less of a living testimony to those around them . . . and they need to be reminded of that.

The cards from “Prayfully Yours” are unique in the sense that they have a very specific niche. With intent, there is very little design and color to them so that the verse is the main thing. And it is also with intent that any major pop of color is on the inside of the card. It accompanies that last line that conveys and reminds people of God’s power and hand upon their lives. For most, these cards can be very intense.

But for those who live with chronic illness understand, that life is intent. I often say, “People either get them or they don’t.” But for those who do, they find such uplifting power in the fact that what they are feeling is actually printed right on a card.

Is there anything you would like our readers to know more about you and your site and/or why you feel your card ministry will help our readers at Rest Ministries?

There’s not too much more to say, except that the purpose of these cards is to pass on the Word of God and to encourage those who need the strength to get through very difficult days. For if I had gone through what I did and could not have found someway, some how to use that time in my life for God’s purpose and good, then my six years and eight months would have been in vain.

I hope those who visit the site, spend time reading all that is there. I hope that they return again and again whenever they find themselves needing a word of encouragement. I hope they lead others who are not ill to the site so that they can read what their loved ones are going through.

And of course, I would love for people to start spreading the Word through a “Prayfully Yours” card so that others can reconnect with their courage, their strength, their hope . . . and above all, God.

Thank you, Nancy. Your words of encouragement are such a blessing today. My prayer is that many will find encouragement from your website and your unique greeting cards.

Visit Nancy Beahm’s web site at www.prayerfullyours.com. You can find the illness-specific cards here. You can also find her on Facebook.

Part-time writer, Deborah (Debbi) Farmer is also a small business owner, wife and mom, and Christian Soldier, despite living with several chronic illnesses’. Debbi loves to find encouraging websites and “gems in the rough” that she can pass on to others.

One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

In this scenario Mr. Robertson has shown the world that one’s personal comfort, especially in the case of having a spouse with a chronic illness, is more important than the marriage vows of “for better or for worse, until death do us part.”

The religious broadcaster Pat Robertson and chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) told his “700 Club” viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s is justifiable because the disease is “a kind of death.”

During the segment of the show where he answers questions from viewers, Robertson was asked what advice a man should give to a friend who began seeing another woman after his wife started suffering from the Alzheimer’s Disease.

He responds, “I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

When Terry Meeuwsen, Robertson’s co-host, asked him about couples’ marriage vows to take care of each other “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health” I thought he may be able to redeem himself, if he wasn’t sure what hole he had just dug for himself. . .but he didn’t.

“If you respect that vow, you say `til death do us part,’ This is a kind of death.”

It was perhaps this clarification that made me most annoyed me. Besides the statement on divorce, I was also frustrated to hear Robertson emphasize that, in the case of Alzheimer’s the person is “gone.”

He says, “I hate Alzheimer’s. It is one of the most awful things because here is a loved one—this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years. And suddenly that person is gone. They’re gone. They are gone.” (emphasis added). Robertson said that the viewer’s friend could obey the vow of “death till you part” because the disease was a “kind of death.”

Joel Hunter, senior pastor of the 15,000 member Northland Church in Orlando, FL is quoted as saying, “Obviously, you could do this for anything. … ‘My husband watches and plays video games, and so he has left the marriage and it’s kind of like a death,’” he said. “It’s not death, and so we can’t start describing things as death that are really not death, and we have to stop trying to mischaracterize what Scripture says for our own convenience.”

Though loved ones of a person who lives with Alzheimer’s Disease may feel the person they once knew has faded away, if that person is still alive on this earth–God still has a purpose and a plan of his or her life–regardless of how “meaningless” their life may seem to others.

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and lived in assisted living at the end of his years. Even though in his 90s when he died, his memorial service was packed full of people who wanted to celebrate his life–many who didn’t even know him before the Alzheimer’s set in. He impacted many, many lives, even when he had little memory.

We never know what nurse may be living a life of abuse at home, what physical therapist has asked God for a sign of His faithfulness today, what doctor has just lost his wife to cancer. . . and that a patient with Alzheimer’s may be the one who encourages him or her that day.

Joni Eareckson Tada also made a public statement on her website Joni and Friends:

“I was dismayed when this week Pat Robertson said to a nationwide audience that Alzheimer’s disease is a kind of death that makes divorce justifiable. When a Christian leader views marriage on a sliding scale, what does this say to the millions of couples who must deal daily with catastrophic injuries and illnesses?”

Marriage is designed to be a picture of God’s sacrificial love for us. Alzheimer’s disease is never an ‘accident’ in a marriage; it falls under the purview of God’s sovereignty. In the case of someone with Alzheimer’s, this means God’s unconditional and sacrificial love has an opportunity to be even more gloriously displayed in a life together!”

To put a “value” on any life based on what one can remember or what one can do, is to make us all replaceable to our loved ones. What if my coping skills crack under the stress of chronic pain? What if my husband didn’t want to deal with me when I had the flesh eating bacteria? What if we all gave up on our spouse every time life got tough and we said, “S/he just isn’t the same person anymore. . . “?

Is every marriage like Noah and Allie in The Notebook? No, we don’t live in Hollywood. But could we learn something about their faithfulness to one another despite life’s difficulties, including Alzheimer’s? Yes.

May God open the eyes of Mr. Robertson, and may we cover the many in prayer who heard is message and now believe their acts of leaving a spouse who is suffering is justifiable because “they just aren’t the same person I married.”

It is a sad thing to see our Christian leaders conforming to the world’s views so that people can live a life of comfort, while sometimes the world, such as in the movie The Notebook gets it right, showing true compassion.

Video of the 700 Club broadcast

Video of touching scenes from The Notebook

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

I thought about it for a moment and replied, “Well, if it was me, I would think, ‘Gee, I must have been looking really terrible!’ As much as I intellectually know it is a compliment, it would not make me feel good, but rather worse about myself.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” said another woman. “Because it is still a comment on our outward appearance.”

Scripture tells us, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

When we receive comments on our physical appearance is easy to interpret these in two ways:

1. You don’t how poorly my body feels underneath all this skin! I may look great, but I feel awful. You aren’t “seeing” the real me.

2. You don’t know what is going on with my emotional or spiritual state right now (either of which could be having a high or low moment.) I’m glad I don’t look terrible, but there is so much mre to me than just my appearance.

Why Should We Be So Careful to What We Say to Those with Illness?

We are to attempt to be more Christlike in our actions and Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:16, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

I have known the pastor who asked this question for over 30 years, Never in any way would he want to hurt someone or take the chance that his words could be misunderstood. He actively lives compassion every day.

So this is one of those opportunities that I want to point out that there is room for education and information out there in our churches for even the most spiritually mature to better understand how their words can impact those who live chronic illness.

So often we want to say what we want to say, and we want to figure out an explanation for why we should get to say it. But instead, we must consider what the person most needs to hear–not what we want to say.

Job asks in Job 6:26, “Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat the words of a despairing man as wind?” Even those who are men of God has Job was feel like when they are despairing, the words of friends need to be carefully communicated.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Wow. We may realize that our bones may not literally be healed just by kind words, but if you have experienced someone saying “the right thing” at the right moment, you know how much lighter you feel, your spirit renewed, simply by words.

If we are truly trying to reach out and comfort those with chronic illness, especially those who do not yet know Jesus, then we must come to them with the very gentlest and most sincere words that they are receptive to hear.

What are some of your favorite things to hear?

When someone tells you that you look good what does your inner self feel?

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and some days no one would tell her, “you look so good.” I think when you try to look good it’s nice when someone notices the effort. When you look horrible and you know it, it feels more condescending–even if people have the best of intentions.

Related articles

• Is Suffering Inevitable But Fear Optional? (chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com)

By Carol Gray

I have hated nursing homes ever since I toured one as a girl scout in 1978. It was difficult being an eight-year-old girl walking the hallways, passing rooms of the dying. I wondered, did I actually sign up for this? Did I really bring home a permission slip for this field trip? What was the sales-pitch by the scout master, oh yeah, I would get a patch…those darn patches!

The “Service and Citizenship” patch would be the reward for entertaining the elderly for the day. I remember thinking that most of them did not look at us with sentiment, only desperation; as if they wanted us to help them escape the inevitable.

How depressing.

I took that patch and hid it away in my drawer hoping to forget about the entire experience.

In 2008, some 30 years later, I had to step back into a nursing home for the first time since that terrifying event. My grandmother-in-law was dying. Realizing I may never get to say one last goodbye, I had to enter this place.

I sat in the parking lot breathing deeply with flashes of those Girl Scout memories. It is funny what memories do to the brain because I swear the smell came back to me before I even opened the door to the building.

When my hand reached onto the corroded brass door handle, a miraculous feeling came over me. I had a sense of power. It was as if the anxiety seeped out of me and onto the welcome mat.

I knew this was God, but why?

As I strolled down the hallways, those same hallways showing the dying in just about each room, I felt love. As I saw a man with one leg in a wheel chair in the hallway scooting down the hall with that leg, I felt love.

As I heard a woman screaming because she was in too much pain to move just a centimeter on her side in order to get her shot, I felt love. Not fear, not anxiety and definitely not thinking about getting a patch. I knew this was God. . . again I thought, why?

I found grandma. She looked emaciated and tired. Cancer was devouring her, yet she was aware of who I was. I sat down by her side, held her hand, massaging her paper thin skin. With the power that came over me at the front door of the nursing home, I blurted out to her “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?”

Now I know why. God’s power is such a beautiful thing.

To my surprise she replied, “I can’t, I can’t. . . I have done too many bad things in my life.”

I told her God knows everything you have done, yet He loves you anyway.

I asked again, “Will you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?”

She said YES, vigorously!

We then prayed together.

I left there with an enormous amount of peace, never wanting to forget this experience. I plan to volunteer my time at nursing homes now.

Only God can take away fears and anxieties turning them into triumph. Wow, what a patch my Scout Master has given me. Except it is not hidden away in some drawer, it is embroidered on my heart.

Grandma died the next day, no doubt hanging out with her personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen!

Carol Gray resides in Fishers Indiana, a suburb of Indianapolis. She is a recent graduate of Indiana Wesleyan University where she went back to get her degree, 20 years after entering the work force. Carol loves to write, is an avid blogger, and is currently working on a Christian children’s book with her 12-year old son.