When one is chronically ill, and a friend wishes to help her, the first thing that comes to mind is to bring her a meal. In fact, since the most popular gift to bring is a meal, I wrote the book, Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend to get people to think beyond food.

Having said, that, however, a meal is a gift of comfort. And even though we may be physically able to cook, it takes a burden off of us so that we can use the energy we would have spent cooking doing something else.

I have discovered that many people who cook for the chronically ill are actually ill themselves. Though it is easy to understand new mommies and those who have just had surgery are in need of meals, those who see a chronically ill friend at the bank and picking their daughter up from school, it’s hard to understand why they would need someone to cook for them.

But those who have a chronic illness understand just how much a meal can make a difference. It makes a difference in practical ways, like not having to cook dinner for your family that night. But it also tells someone, “I acknowledge your (invisible) illness. I recognize how hard it can be to just get through the day sometimes. I know how hard you are trying to do it all and not complain. Let me give you this gift.”

So, in that spirit, here at Rest Ministries we are providing some fun printables to use when you give someone a meal. These can be downloaded and then printed out. You can tape it onto the foil covering a meal, print it on label paper you can get at your local office supply store, or punch a hole and attach it with a piece of ribbon. It makes that special meal a true gift and tells the person you are delivering it to that they are very special!

The circles can be added to any little item, condiment, gift bag of something, etc. with a note from you!

Please feel free to share these, “pin them”, print out and distribute them to people in your support group to use, email the link to your women’s ministry leader–whatever you can do to share. Our only stipulation is that you do not repost them as your own creation. Thanks! You can download these free printable meal delivery labels here or click the image below.

And… leave a comment below and we will randomly choose three winners next Monday of my book “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, for those who want to go beyond the casseroles!

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

A few months ago someone at Rest Ministries asked me what books I would recommend for some different areas of grief, and in looking at my list from years past, I realized sadly that many of them had gone out of print.

So I started compiling a new list. To add to the books I was aware of, I asked a group of Christian women authors of a group I am part of, AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association). They eagerly told me what books they recommend to people (many of them are also counselors), and what books they had written of specific areas of grief.

Some of these books we have even carried in our Rest Ministries bookstore over the years such as, The Gift of Mourning Glories by Georgia Shaffer about her journey with cancer and subsequent bone marrow transplant. and The Art of Helping by Lauren Littauer Briggs. I am blessed to call them both friends.

So below you will find the list on Christian books that I have compiled on a variety of grief situations, from the loss of a loved one, to divorce and everything in between. If you have read a book you think belongs on this list, please list it in the comments below. Authors who are members of the group I mentioned have AWSA beside their name.

If you are interested in purchasing a link, please use this Amazon search box below. If you click through clicking this link, Rest Ministries will receive a small percentage for referring you and this helps keep us going!

Amazon

Warmly,
Lisa

The Top Christian Books About Grief and Loss

GENERAL LOSS/GRIEF

After the Locusts: Restoring Ruined Dreams, Reclaiming Wasted Years, Jan Coleman
Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others are Celebrating, Howard F. Smith
Devotions for the Brokenhearted, Robin Prince Monroe
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
For Such a Time as This A Book of Comfort, Lanair G. Williams
For These Tough Times,, Max Lucado
For Those Who Hurt,, Chuck Swindoll
Getting Through the Tough Stuff,, Chuck Swindoll
A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss Georgia Shaffer, AWSA
Good Grief,, Granger E. Westberg
A Grace Disguised, Gerald Sittser
A Grief Observed,, C.S. Lewis
Grace for Tough Times, Mary J. Nelson
Grief Share, 1999, The Church Initiative
Grief-Work it, Let It Be, S. Leo Richardson
If God is so Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?, David Biebel
Living Above Pain: Experiencing Joy in the Midst of Suffering, Alma Edith Welch
On Grief and Grieving,, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
Prayer Guide for the Brokenhearted: Comfort and Healing on the Way to Wholeness, Michelle McKinney Hammond
The One-Year Book of Hope, Nancy Guthrie
Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times (Coming in October 2012), Jackie M. Johnson AWSA
Shattered Dreams, Larry Crabb
Strength and Hope Through the Seasons of Life, Cindy McMenamin AWSA
Thoughts for the Holidays Finding Permission to Grieve,, Doug Manning
The Twenty-Third Psalm for Those Who Grieve, Carmen Leal AWSA When Women Walk Alone: Finding
When You Can’t Find God: How to Ignite the Power of His Presence, Linda E. Shepherd AWSA
When You Don’t Know What to Pray: How to Talk to God about Anything, Linda E. Shepherd AWSA
Where Is God When It Hurts, Philip Yancey
Words of Comfort for Times of Loss, co-written with Liz Allison and Cecil Murphey

MARRIAGE

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, Linda Rooks AWSA
That Was Then, This Is Now, This Broken Vessel Restored, Paulete Harper AWSA
When Love Ends, Jackie M. Johnson AWSA

PARENTING

20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge AWSA
Different Dream Parenting: A Practical Guide to Raising a Child with Special Needs, Jolene Philo, AWSA
Different Dream for My Child: Meditations for parents of critically or chronically ill children, Jolene Philo AWSA
Hope for Families of Children on the Autistic Spectrum, Lynda Young AWSA
Hope for Families of Children with Cancer, Lynda Young AWSA
Hope for Families of Children with Heart Disease, Lynda Young AWSA

LOSS OF LOVED ONE

90 Minutes in Heaven, Don Piper and Cecil Murphey
How to Plan a Funeral and Other Things You Need to Know When a Loved One Dies by Liz Cowen Furman, AWSA
Will I Ever Be Whole Again? Surviving the Death of Someone You Love, Randy Aldrich

SUICIDE

Aftershock: Help, Hope and Healing in the Wake of Suicide, Candy Arrington & David Cox AWSA
Fierce Goodbye, Lloyd and Gwendolyn Carr
Finding Your Way After the Suicide of Someone You Love, David B. Biebel, DMin, & Susanne L. Foster
Grieving a Suicide, A. Hsu
Standing in the Shadow: Help and Encouragement for Suicide Survivors, June Cerza Kolf

DEATH OF CHILD

Jonathan You Left Too Soon, David B. Biebel
Roses in December, Marilyn Heavilin
Too Early Frost (losing child to cancer), Harold Dostervien
The Toughest Days of Grief (multiple losses and holidays, Meg Woodson
Grieving Forward, Suzie Duke (loss her 17-year-old son)
Waiting For Answers: A Parent’s Guide to Grief, Resolution, and Healing, Betsy Haid

WIDOWHOOD

Dare to Trust, Dare to Hope Again, Kari West
From One Widow to Another: Conversations on the New You, Miriam Neff
Light in My Darkest Night, Catherine Marshall
Will I Ever Be Whole Again? Sandra Aldrich AWSA
Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope, H. Norman Wright

INFERTILITY/LOSS OF BABY

Beside the Empty Cradle: Finding Peace with Childlessness, Pamela Sonnenmoser AWSA
Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby, Janet Thompson AWSA
Empty Arms (miscarriage), Pam Vredevelt
Hannah’s Prayer, Jennifer Saake
Morning Will Come (infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, early infant death) Sandy Day AWSA
Standing on the Promises (a chapter on infertility) Leslie Vernick, AWSA

LOSS OF HEALTH

90 Minutes in Heaven, Don Piper and Cecil Murphey
A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God’s Mercy and Our Pain, Elisabeth Elliott
Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer, Janet Thompson AWSA
Joni Eareckson Tada–any of her books
Mosaic Moments: Devotions For The Chronically Ill, Lisa Copen AWSA
Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, Jerry Bridges
When God Weeps: wHy Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty, Joni Eareckson Tada
Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why, Lisa Copen, AWSA

CAREGIVERS

Ambushed, Grace: Help & Hope on the Caregiving Journey, Shelly Beach AWSA
Because You Care: Spiritual Encouragement for Caregivers, Cecil Murphey and Twila Belk AWSA
Blessings And Prayers for Caregivers, Annetta E. Dellinger and Karen Boerger AWSA
A Caregiver’s Survival Guide: How to Stay Healthy When Your Loved One Is Sick, Kay Marshall Strom
My Parents, My Children: Spiritual Help for Caregivers, Cecil Murphey
Precious Lord Take My Hand: Meditations for Caregivers, Shelly Beach AWSA
The Twenty-Third Psalm For Caregivers, Carmen Leal AWSA
Walking Together Through Illness: Twelve Steps for Caregivers and Care Receivers, Wanda Scott Bledsoe, Milt Bledsoe
When Someone You Love No Longer Remembers, Cecil Murphey
Give Us This Day: Daily Hope for Caregivers, Martha Sparks

WHEN A FRIEND IS HURTING

The Art of Helping What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting, Lauren Littauer Briggs
Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, Lisa Copen, AWSA
Comforting Those Who Grieve: A Guide for Helping Others, Doug Manning
The Complete Guide to Crisis & Trauma Counseling: What to Do and Say When It Matters Most! H. Norman Wright
Helping Those in Grief: A Guide to Help You Care for Others, H. Norman Wright
How to Help a Heartbroken Friend, David B. Biebel
Ministering to the Mourning: A Practical Guide for Pastors, Church Leaders, and Other Caregivers, David Wiersbe, Warren W. Wiersbe

MISC

RAPE: Forgiving the Dead Man Walking, Debbie Morris

UNPLANNED PREGNANCY: Deliver Me: Hope, Help, & Healing through True Stories of Unplanned Pregnancy by Dianne E. Butts

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

Karlton wrote him back and then sent a copy of the letter to us to see if we would be interested in reprinting it here at Rest Ministries.

I hope you will read it and comment below on what you agree with, disagree with, your experience and more. What advice would you give someone who has just been diagnosed with an illness that may last his or her lifetime?

A Letter to One Afflicted With Illness (From One Who is Also Afflicted)

I think most of my life with illness I have felt it is a battle the Lord and I have fought alone. Beyond praying with me and a bit of encouragement, my little church has only helped me by being there to provide a place for me to worship God.

As for family, my family has helped and encouraged where they could, but they can only do so much, and while they would help me with the burden of illness, I soon learned that if I could not carry it myself, I should not expect them to be able to carry it either. Ultimately, I must give it to the Lord and learn to depend upon Him to help me through the affliction.

It is good that you are getting counseling. To be quite frank, most churches are ill-equipped, ill-prepared, and simply without resources or the ability to provide serious counselling. And some churches are not good at counseling because they have an
out-of-touch-with-reality attitude towards illness and the ill.

As far as people avoiding you, I have experienced that most people at heart are cowards when it comes to illness. They don’t like reminders that it could be them that is afflicted and that some day they might have to endure a similar problem. And some church people live with their heads in the clouds and don’t want to face real problems, they use God and church to live in a state of denial about real hardship.

Of course, our Lord did not run from illness or the afflicted, just the opposite, and I’ve found when all else fails, I can depend upon Him for the grace and wisdom to see me through.

I think over time you will get both stronger and wiser as you learn to rely upon the Lord. Accept help from others, and receive their encouragement, but I suspect you will put down deeper roots in your walk with the Lord as He enables you to grow spiritually. I pray things will get better and better for you.

Karlton Douglas

One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

I have a friend who I’ve known for years. We used to go out partying before my diagnosis, but now I’ve really become grounded in my faith, because God is the only thing that has gotten me through. She keeps saying she “knows the real me” and I cannot possibly be satisfied with this life I have now. Whenever I share something I’ve learned while living with illness or about anything good in my life, she has something negative to say about how much I am missing out on in life because of my illness. I care about her, but I just don’t know if I can continue to be around her right now if she keeps this up. – Kelly

Hi, Kelly,
Do you know someone who is the same now as they were 30 or even 40 years ago? They love to complain and stir up trouble for everyone else. What they don’t realize. . . or maybe care about is the fact that most people change over the course of a lifetime.

It’s unfortunate because most of us try to improve our lives as we get older. We try to forgive and forget and move on with our lives but there’s always going to be that one who is so unhappy with their life that they can’t stand to see anyone else doing better than them or enjoying their life.

For instance, I drank until I was 34 and I am happy those days are over with. It has been almost 13 years since I’ve let anything or anyone control me but there are others who are still trapped in drugs and alcohol that want to drag you down to their level.

They want you to be as unhappy as they are and you know what? It’s not gonna happen. You see, I’m not proud of the way I behaved when I drank but there are others that were instigators and troublemakers who caused all kinds of problems and they still have that mindset even today. It’s very sad because they live in the past and they want you to stay there. . . buried in misery just like they are and that’s all they can think about.

If you have one of these people in your life–someone you don’t ever think about unless they come knocking (beating) at your front door threatening you and whining that you’ll never change–then just do what I do: give it to God.

There are always going to be those who will try to drag you down and make you feel bad because of something you said or did 20 years ago. Let them know you aren’t the same person since Jesus took control of your life. Don’t let them shake you because you are grounded in Jesus Christ.

When they say they know the real you tell them. . . “No, you are so stuck in the past that you can’t see the change all around you” and that “No, I choose not to whine and cry and live in the past as you seem to have chosen to do.”

You are a new creation in Christ and if you had a past you aren’t proud of then give it to God. No matter what your past is, give it to God and learn to love yourself again. Once you’ve changed as I did so many years ago, don’t let anyone convince you that you are less than a beautiful and wonderful being created by the creator of the universe Himself. . . God Almighty.

Thank you Jesus for taking care of those who want to suppress us and threaten us and keep us wallowing in guilt and despair. Help those who still live this way and help us to keep our eyes planted squarely on you and your wonderful name.

God Bless, Dave

David Brown has been writing poetry and short stories for his own enjoyment for more than 40 years. Recently, he decided he had some things he would like to say to the rest of the world and has been writing non-stop ever since ~ thus the culmination of his three-book series Love Notes From Above. A husband, father and born-again, spirit-filled Christian he offers scripture-based advice and insight on some of life’s toughest topics based on his unique perspective gained through experience on this journey called life.

You can find more of these videos all at one web site, beyondcasserolesvideos.com .

By Georgia Shaffer

“My friend is stuck in grief. . . what can I do to help?” This is a question I often hear, and I’ve learned to ask, “What do you mean your friend is stuck in grief?” Usually they will say something like, “Well, her husband died 14 months ago, and she’s still very depressed. Isn’t it about time she moves forward with her life?” Or, they may say, “His wife moved out a year ago, and he’s in worse shape now than when she left him.”

Surprisingly, the problem isn’t that these people are stuck in grief. The issue is that their friends don’t realize how long it can take to heal and rebuild after a heart-wrenching loss. As a psychologist and someone who has experienced deep sorrow, I’ve seen too many people hurt by well-meaning friends, family, or coworkers who want to help, but honestly don’t understand the pain of loss.

What your grief I.Q.? Do you know how respond properly when someone you know is grieving? Here are seven truths to keep in mind:

1. The first 6 – 18 months are the most difficult.
During this time period, loved ones are no longer actively reaching out to the hurting person, but it’s a stage when the numbness begins to disappear and reality sinks in: Life has forever changed. While you may think that one year after a death or divorce is plenty of time to grieve, the reality is those who hurt may feel worse.

Make a note on your calendar to remind yourself that you will be needed around six to eighteen months after the crisis.

2. Grief is not a time to produce, achieve, or accomplish.
When something or someone we cherish vanishes from our lives, we soon discover that the most routine tasks become extremely difficult. This is the result of mental, emotional, and physical resources becoming severely depleted.

Yet, too many people are given misinformation in these situations. For example, Brooke was told after the death of her younger brother to “keep herself busy” and “time has a way of healing these things.” So, she tried to keep up with her hectic schedule. But, two years later, she found herself close to a breakdown.

Although routines can be comforting, busyness does not give someone the time to rebuild his or her exhausted resources. Help your loved one carve out the time and space necessary to process, rest, and renew.

3. There isn’t a painkiller for every pain.
When comparing modern society to the previous century, Eugene Peterson, author of The Message wrote, “The main difference today is not how much people are hurting, but how much they expect to be relieved from their hurting.”

As soon as we feel any kind of discomfort we look for some way to get rid of it. And, when someone we love is suffering, we work hard to fix the problem or find a painkiller. But, as Sallie said after she lost her teenage son, “There’s nothing on earth that can soothe my pain.” It was only her faith in God that provided her with a sense of comfort.

While you may be searching and yearning for something to take away your loved one’s pain, realize that it may not exist. No one is guaranteed a pain-free life. Rather than feeling helpless to make a difference, step in and let them know that you love them, are praying for them, and are willing to help with their basic needs. Simply knowing that others care can a huge comfort.

4. Don’t compare losses.
Many people are like my friend Heather who play the comparison game every time they confront a loss. Heather took whatever pain she was experiencing, be it the death of a dream or the death of a friend, and compared it to someone else’s pain. Since she could always find someone with a loss more tragic than hers, however, she never allowed herself to grieve.

So, it’s important to help others accept their feelings of sadness.

It doesn’t matter whether they are hurting over the death of a dream, the death of a career, or an unwanted move. Encourage them to understand that for them this is a loss and their heart is broken.

5. Anger, as well as sadness, is part of grief.
Anger is a common reaction to loss. After the loss of my health and my job, I expected deep sadness. But, what surprised me was feelings of seething rage. “How dare they take away my job because I’m too ill to work!,” I fumed. “I didn’t plan on having a recurrence of cancer and a bone marrow transplant. Where’s their sense of compassion?”

How can you help someone who’s furious with God, and everyone else, deal with what has happened to them? Instead of dismissing their anger, acknowledge it with a sincere comment such as, “I’d be angry too if that happened to me!” This assures the grieving person that you realize the difficulty of their loss.

6. People grieve differently.
Everyone eventually experiences some level of grief, but not everyone processes grief in the same way. Jennifer Sands, whose husband died during the terrorist attacks on 9/11 said, “Grieving is as individual as a fingerprint.”

Some people prefer time alone with an occasional visitor. Others want a steady stream of company and lots of phone calls. Likewise, some want to take control of the situation while others withdraw, content to let things work out on their own.

In order to help rather than hinder, think about the personality of the person you want to support.

7. Grief can last longer than you expect.
Our culture rarely talks about how long it takes to heal after a difficult loss. Dr. Elizabeth Palazzi, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, says, “Grieving takes longer than anybody ever has the patience for.” One reason grief lasts so long is that emotional setbacks are part of the process.

One afternoon, my friend Janet dashed into the mall for a quick trip to her favorite cosmetic counter. As she passed the counter of men’s fragrances she caught a whiff of her husband’s cologne. She froze for a moment, and then left the store sobbing. Her husband had died three years earlier. But, it only took one smell and a split second to throw her back into the grip of grief.

Sights, sounds, and smells are examples of triggers that cause emotional setbacks. These are to be expected. It often takes 2 – 5 years before someone is able to rebuild his or her life and create a “new normal.” If you find yourself getting impatient, resist the temptation to say, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” Instead, offer comfort by saying, “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but please know that I care.”

While “normal” life may continue for many of us, remember that a grieving person’s pain continues. Our role is not to judge whether someone is stuck in their grief or grieving correctly. Rather, our role is to give hurting individuals our love, grace, and lots of time.

Note: This article was adapted from:
A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss.

Georgia Shaffer, M.A. is a life coach, licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania and the author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss. As a professional speaker, Georgia’s audiences include oncology caregivers, cancer survivors and wellness groups. You can contact her at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com.

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

And remember, these videos can all be embedded directly into YOUR web site or blog too if you have one. When the video is done playing, just click on the “share” button for the piece of code. (And… if you can click “like” too it helps us tremendously in reaching more people!) Thanks, friends,

So often we think that our story is not dramatic enough to really be a “testimony” or that the dailyness of our life with illness is not entertaining enough to share in the church setting. But more than anything people crave authenticity and Vicki stepped forward to share her story. Be sure to read the end of this to hear the response the church had.

Most of you know me. My name is Vicki Glover . What some of you do not know is that I live everyday with 4 invisible illnesses. I suffer with frontal lobe seizures, arthritis in my spine, depression, and a chronic pain disorder called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome in both of my arms. Chronic meaning the pain never goes away and never will.

This next week is set aside to raise awareness not only for the diseases I suffer with but all Invisible Illnesses that anyone suffers with. September 13-19th is Invisible Illness Awareness Week.

Invisible illnesses are all around us everyday. They are not just the diseases I suffer with, but there are many more. Many suffer with depression, migraines, cancer, hearing loss, blindness, pain, lupus, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, spinal problems, crippling arthritis, and the list could go on. They say 1 in every 2 people suffer with some kind of invisible illness. Look around you. Around half of the people here today are suffering with at least one invisible illness. What makes them invisible is that the individual does not use a wheelchair, cane, or any other assistive devices to get by with their daily lives, but they still have a disability that limits their lives and how much they can do.

Many depend on the help of others to get through the bad days. I call my bad days flare-up days. Those are the days when I feel like my body is on fire and my pain level is way above a 10 and the pain medicine I take won’t touch the pain. Those are the days when I sleep a lot and depend on my family to help a lot.

Our biggest challenges are those around us. Most don’t understand what we are going through. So I want to try and help you understand a little from my point that might help you understand everyone that you see who is fighting an illness.

• We smile not because we are feeling better, but because we don’t want to look sad all the time. Don’t think just because we look happy the pain is gone. We are just hiding it well.
• If we park in a handicap parking spot and we don’t look handicap to you, think again. We may just have a disease or handicap you cannot see or we may be in a lot of pain. Offer us help instead of judging us. We would appreciate the help.
• If you come to our homes and it looks like a tornado has hit the place, it hasn’t. We spend the little time we do feel good doing the most important things first, which is usually things with our families. Housework will always be there, our families and children will not.
• Any help offered is greatly appreciated because energy is scarce.
• Don’t ask “how are you doing?” unless you really want to know.
• Don’t give advice on what might fix the illness. If there was a cure we would know by now, and we have tried just about everything that is a possible cure because really we don’t like living in pain.
• Don’t stop living your life just because we have to slow down ourselves. We want you to continue to have fun and enjoy life. We have just as much fun watching you have fun as we did having fun with you when we could. Just remember when we need to stop and rest, just let us without making us feel guilty.
• When we need to stop and take our medicine or stop to rest we need to right then. If we overdo things we don’t just get tired, we pay for it for days. Please understand.
• If we make plans to do something with you and have to change those plans at the last minute, we are sorry, but we have to listen to our bodies and stop when it tells us to. But please don’t stop inviting us because we still enjoy being with our friends and enjoying life.
• If you have questions about our illness, don’t be afraid to ask. We don’t mind answering questions so you understand. How will you learn without asking.
• These are just some points I can make on behalf of myself and others that suffer with invisible illnesses. I know each illness is different and each person is different, so there is so much more to learn from each individual.
• Reach out to those that are hurting and suffering. Like I said at the beginning I suffer with depression, which was brought on by the illnesses I deal with daily. Pain that never goes away will tire the body out, but it also tires the mind out. Some days you get so tired of fighting the pain that you want to give up. Depression is a big factor that faces almost everyone that has a chronic illness whether invisible or not.
• Depression is 15-20% higher for the chronically ill than for the average person Many times with the depression comes thoughts of suicide because the pain gets so severe you just want it to stop. 70% of suicides have uncontrollable physical pain as a factor.
• If depression does not get the best of you, the illness usually affects your family and your marriage. The divorce rate among the chronically ill is over 75 percent. That is a very high percentage. If you don’t end up in divorce, it still affects marriages in many other ways. Your spouse is afraid to touch you in many ways because they are afraid of hurting you. Lack of sleep keeps you both so tired to have much of a relationship.
• Financially your family starts hurting because of doctor appointment bills, medicine costs, gas for trips to doctors, and medical tests. You start feeling even more depressed because you see your family having to do things that you should be doing but are unable to. It is a vicious cycle that can eventually tear a family apart. Only strong families usually survive when a person is suffering with more than one illness and a lot of stress is put on the family.

Our strength has come from God to hold our family together. We have been through all and God is holding our hands and our family tight. I have accepted God has a purpose for my illnesses. I have had some ask me if I believe in healing because I have been sick for over 4 yrs. I believe that God can heal, if He wants to heal.

Sometimes we are left in our illnesses to use for His glory and to be healed in heaven, and I believe that is my case here. We are all to take joy in our trials. They make us stronger. Some days I may not feel stronger physically, but God has a plan and I know He is working on me spiritually just as He is with everyone fighting an illness. I just ask that you pray for those you know that are fighting any illness, seen or not, and remember those this week especially fighting the invisible illnesses everywhere.

Vicki shares, “God used [this] in wonderful way. What happened afterwards was something God must have had planned. A young child in our church is going through tests right now and the family is waiting on the results. They brought their daughter forward to have the elders pray over her and for her, because if the test come back with the results the doctors expect, the results are a one-hundred percent fatality rate for the little girl. We know God can still perform miracles and to look at this little girl you would not think she was so sick.”

I asked Vicki how people responded. “When I got done reading you could have heard a pin drop in the church. I know it was the quietest I have heard the church –ever. There were not even whispers during the reading. Even the teens listened intently. I know because they all sit in the first three rows and they all sat looking at me and listening, even those who usually pass notes during service. One gentleman asked for a copy for his wife who does not come to church but is suffering at home. I gave him mine.”

Thank you, Vicki, for sharing from your heart and in doing so encouraging others, both those with and without illness. You have blessed more people than you may ever realize.