One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

I have a friend who I’ve known for years.  We used to go out partying before my diagnosis, but now I’ve really become grounded in my faith, because God is the only thing that has gotten me through. She keeps saying she “knows the real me” and I cannot possibly be satisfied with this life I have now.  Whenever I share something I’ve learned while living with illness or about anything good in my life, she has something negative to say about how much I am missing out on in life because of my illness. I care about her, but I just don’t know if I can continue to be around her right now if she keeps this up. – Kelly

Hi, Kelly,
Do you know someone who is the same now as they were 30 or even 40 years ago? They love to complain and stir up trouble for everyone else. What they don’t realize. . . or maybe care about is the fact that most people change over the course of a lifetime.

It’s unfortunate because most of us try to improve our lives as we get older. We try to forgive and forget and move on with our lives but there’s always going to be that one who is so unhappy with their life that they can’t stand to see anyone else doing better than them or enjoying their life.

For instance, I drank until I was 34 and I am happy those days are over with. It has been almost 13 years since I’ve let anything or anyone control me but there are others who are still trapped in drugs and alcohol that want to drag you down to their level.

They want you to be as unhappy as they are and you know what? It’s not gonna happen. You see, I’m not proud of the way I behaved when I drank but there are others that were instigators and troublemakers who caused all kinds of problems and they still have that mindset even today. It’s very sad because they live in the past and they want you to stay there. . . buried in misery just like they are and that’s all they can think about.

If you have one of these people in your life–someone you don’t ever think about unless they come knocking (beating) at your front door threatening you and whining that you’ll never change–then just do what I do: give it to God.

There are always going to be those who will try to drag you down and make you feel bad because of something you said or did 20 years ago. Let them know you aren’t the same person since Jesus took control of your life. Don’t let them shake you because you are grounded in Jesus Christ.

When they say they know the real you tell them. . . “No,  you are so stuck in the past that you can’t see the change all around you” and that “No, I choose not to whine and cry and live in the past as you seem to have chosen to do.”

You are a new creation in Christ and if you had a past you aren’t proud of then give it to God. No matter what your past is, give it to God and learn to love yourself again. Once you’ve changed as I did so many years ago, don’t let anyone convince you that you are less than a beautiful and wonderful being created by the creator of the universe Himself. . . God Almighty.

Thank you Jesus for taking care of those who want to suppress us and threaten us and keep us wallowing in guilt and despair. Help those who still live this way and help us to keep our eyes planted squarely on you and your wonderful name.

God Bless, Dave

David Brown has been writing poetry and short stories for his own enjoyment for more than 40 years. Recently, he decided he had some things he would like to say to the rest of the world and has been writing non-stop ever since ~ thus the culmination of his three-book series Love Notes From Above. A husband, father and born-again, spirit-filled Christian he offers scripture-based advice and insight on some of life’s toughest topics based on his unique perspective gained through experience on this journey called life.

You can find more of these videos all at one web site, beyondcasserolesvideos.com .

By Georgia Shaffer

“My friend is stuck in grief. . . what can I do to help?”  This is a question I often hear, and I’ve learned to ask, “What do you mean your friend is stuck in grief?”  Usually they will say something like, “Well, her husband died 14 months ago, and she’s still very depressed.  Isn’t it about time she moves forward with her life?”  Or, they may say, “His wife moved out a year ago, and he’s in worse shape now than when she left him.”

Surprisingly, the problem isn’t that these people are stuck in grief. The issue is that their friends don’t realize how long it can take to heal and rebuild after a heart-wrenching loss.  As a psychologist and someone who has experienced deep sorrow, I’ve seen too many people hurt by well-meaning friends, family, or coworkers who want to help, but honestly don’t understand the pain of loss.

What your grief I.Q.?  Do you know how respond properly when someone you know is grieving? Here are seven truths to keep in mind:

1. The first 6 – 18 months are the most difficult.
During this time period, loved ones are no longer actively reaching out to the hurting person, but it’s a stage when the numbness begins to disappear and reality sinks in:  Life has forever changed.  While you may think that one year after a death or divorce is plenty of time to grieve, the reality is those who hurt may feel worse.

Make a note on your calendar to remind yourself that you will be needed around six to eighteen months after the crisis. 

2. Grief is not a time to produce, achieve, or accomplish.
When something or someone we cherish vanishes from our lives, we soon discover that the most routine tasks become extremely difficult.  This is the result of mental, emotional, and physical resources becoming severely depleted.

Yet, too many people are given misinformation in these situations. For example, Brooke was told after the death of her younger brother to “keep herself busy” and “time has a way of healing these things.”  So, she tried to keep up with her hectic schedule. But, two years later, she found herself close to a breakdown.

Although routines can be comforting, busyness does not give someone the time to rebuild his or her exhausted resources. Help your loved one carve out the time and space necessary to process, rest, and renew.

3. There isn’t a painkiller for every pain.
When comparing modern society to the previous century, Eugene Peterson, author of The Message wrote, “The main difference today is not how much people are hurting, but how much they expect to be relieved from their hurting.”

As soon as we feel any kind of discomfort we look for some way to get rid of it. And, when someone we love is suffering, we work hard to fix the problem or find a painkiller. But, as Sallie said after she lost her teenage son, “There’s nothing on earth that can soothe my pain.”   It was only her faith in God that provided her with a sense of comfort.

While you may be searching and yearning for something to take away your loved one’s pain, realize that it may not exist.  No one is guaranteed a pain-free life. Rather than feeling helpless to make a difference, step in and let them know that you love them, are praying for them, and are willing to help with their basic needs.  Simply knowing that others care can a huge comfort.

4. Don’t compare losses.
Many people are like my friend Heather who play the comparison game every time they confront a loss.  Heather took whatever pain she was experiencing, be it the death of a dream or the death of a friend, and compared it to someone else’s pain.  Since she could always find someone with a loss more tragic than hers, however, she never allowed herself to grieve.

So, it’s important to help others accept their feelings of sadness. 

It doesn’t matter whether they are hurting over the death of a dream, the death of a career, or an unwanted move.  Encourage them to understand that for them this is a loss and their heart is broken.

5. Anger, as well as sadness, is part of grief.
Anger is a common reaction to loss.  After the loss of my health and my job, I expected deep sadness.  But, what surprised me was feelings of seething rage.  “How dare they take away my job because I’m too ill to work!,” I fumed.  “I didn’t plan on having a recurrence of cancer and a bone marrow transplant.  Where’s their sense of compassion?”

How can you help someone who’s furious with God, and everyone else, deal with what has happened to them? Instead of dismissing their anger, acknowledge it with a sincere comment such as, “I’d be angry too if that happened to me!”  This assures the grieving person that you realize the difficulty of their loss.

6. People grieve differently.
Everyone eventually experiences some level of grief, but not everyone processes grief in the same way.  Jennifer Sands, whose husband died during the terrorist attacks on 9/11 said, “Grieving is as individual as a fingerprint.”

Some people prefer time alone with an occasional visitor.  Others want a steady stream of company and lots of phone calls.  Likewise, some want to take control of the situation while others withdraw, content to let things work out on their own.

In order to help rather than hinder, think about the personality of the person you want to support.

7. Grief can last longer than you expect.
Our culture rarely talks about how long it takes to heal after a difficult loss.  Dr. Elizabeth Palazzi, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, says, “Grieving takes longer than anybody ever has the patience for.”  One reason grief lasts so long is that emotional setbacks are part of the process.

One afternoon, my friend Janet dashed into the mall for a quick trip to her favorite cosmetic counter. As she passed the counter of men’s fragrances she caught a whiff of her husband’s cologne. She froze for a moment, and then left the store sobbing.  Her husband had died three years earlier. But, it only took one smell and a split second to throw her back into the grip of grief.

Sights, sounds, and smells are examples of triggers that cause emotional setbacks.  These are to be expected.  It often takes 2 – 5 years before someone is able to rebuild his or her life and create a “new normal.”  If you find yourself getting impatient, resist the temptation to say, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?”  Instead, offer comfort by saying, “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but please know that I care.”

While “normal” life may continue for many of us, remember that a grieving person’s pain continues. Our role is not to judge whether someone is stuck in their grief or grieving correctly. Rather, our role is to give hurting individuals our love, grace, and lots of time.

Note: This article was adapted from:
A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss.

Georgia Shaffer, M.A. is a life coach, licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania and the author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss. As a professional speaker, Georgia’s audiences include oncology caregivers, cancer survivors and wellness groups.  You can contact her at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com.

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

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