In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day, today, May 4th, we offer you this inspirational article from a military wife. Thank you to all the families who serve our country daily–including the spouses and children of the men and women who are soldiers. In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day remember to say thank you, not just to a solider, but to his or her spouse too!

Lynn Burchfield

I’m currently enduring a very challenging deployment, but I want to tell you about the amazing gifts from God that have not only helped me through, but brought my family back on a path to Him.

Our son was born in April 2009 and I could not imagine being any happier. Unfortunately, an upcoming deployment was looming and I couldn’t help but become angry and despondent. My husband had decided to accept an opportunity to serve overseas with the Multinational Force and Observers (MFO) in the Sinai Peninsula. Now, I’d heard him speak of this deployment many times before, hoping he could someday be a part of it.

I screamed, “But why now? What horrible timing!” There were many tearful discussions and arguments, but deep down I knew he had to do this. After the initial shock, I surprised myself with my understanding and patience. Was that God’s first gift during this difficult time?

In a few months I was to be a single mother of sorts, so I had to just take it day by day. After my husband left, I really didn’t have time to be upset, but somehow I found time! I had evenings alone to get angry and think about all that daddy was missing. I cried a lot, but my tears were always erased by the most amazing baby. I cherished our times together rocking, kissing, cuddling, nursing, singing, giggling. . . the blessings he brings me are endless. His love kept me going. “. . . weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5, NLT).

This is where I first started to see why God had given me a son when He did.

The diagnosis

Just when I thought I could make it through, life threw me a curve ball to end 2009. At the end of November, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Here I was with a 7-month-old baby, a husband a world away, and a family states away. Again, I cried “But why now? What horrible timing! Why me?”

MS is such a disease of the unknown. Every patient is different and all the doctors could tell me was that only time will tell how I fair. Here I am, the one who likes to plan everything and whose only fear is the unknown, and I’m marked with a disease that could eventually disable me. . . or maybe not! Life sped out of control. I went in the hospital for a 3-day steroid treatment meaning I had to stop nursing my son cold turkey. I had to learn about giving myself shots three days per week and I had to break the news to my husband, my family, my friends.

I thought the stress alone would kill me

Somehow I had the strength to carry on, to be positive and try not to worry about the unknown. I again surprised myself at how I was dealing with a difficult situation. This time I really started to see what God’s plan was. I knew I had to be the mom God wanted me to be and it was through God’s gift of our son that provided me the strength and comfort I needed during a tough time. I saw this circle of life and thanked Him for an abundance of grace.

Still midway through his deployment, my husband was told he couldn’t take leave as previously scheduled. But he somehow found a way to make it home. Having our family together again for two weeks rejuvenated me. I thanked God for bringing my husband home when I needed him the most!

God’s plan starts to unfold

The end of this deployment is on the horizon, but God’s blessings didn’t end there. I love to say God works in mysterious ways, so let me tell you of the final gift from God that came from this deployment. My husband and I are Christians, but we’ve struggled to really let God into our lives. Over the years I’ve talked of our need to join a church and gently tried to nudge my husband in the right direction. I must admit, I wasn’t always walking the walk myself. We just weren’t serious about getting on this path.

Having a family now, I was even more adamant in our need to raise our son as a Christian and lead by example. My husband agreed, but I wasn’t sure his heart was in the right place yet. I planned to start looking for a church family and we’d go from there. Meanwhile, I had noticed changes in my husband. He was the one encouraging me to keep faith in my heart during tough times. He was the one telling me that our son, “our Angel,” would help me through it all. He gave me constant praise as a mother and thanked me for all that I was doing. His encouragement was uplifting.

Most recently he wrote to tell me of the “spark that has been lit here” and how he has a longing to learn more about Jesus and to really do what is right. When I read those words, my eyes welled with tears and I thought, now I really know God’s plan for this deployment. If he had to take my husband to the Holy Land to bring his heart back to Him, it was all worth it!

What I am learning on this journey

Last year I learned what it means to experience the best and worst time of your life all at once. God showed me that He truly provides all that I need and He’s working in my life in ways that I could have never known. I was upset and scared, but He provided me comfort—our sweet Angel. I was angry and despondent, but He showed me His plan—our way back to Him.

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold…” (I Peter 1:6-7, NLT).

Lynn Burchfield became an instant Army wife when she got married in 2002 and has lived through active duty and national guard life. She is originally from Illinois and now resides in Arizona with her husband and their 15-month-old son. She enjoys writing, hiking (in Arizona winters!) and getting together with other new moms whenever possible.

“Amazing Gifts: God’s Surprising Timing” originally appeared at www.faithdeployed.com, a web site providing spiritual encouragement to military wives. The web site was born out of the books by Jocelyn Green, Faith Deployed and its sequel, Faith Deployed. . . Again.

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

One of my all-time favorite books is The Art of Helping: What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs. In fact, I am very honored to have a section in it for those with chronic illness. But the whole book is helpful for those of us who, well, care. And it is one of the few books I believe should be on the desk of every pastor and church secretary! So much so that when it was first published we offered it as part of our HopeKeepers Start Up Kit! And I wrote a review for the book on Amazon in 2006 (see it under Lisa Copen “RestMinistries”)

I am so excited to see that the author, Lauren, is doing a blog tour to share about this book again, as it it never out of date! The Art of Helping—What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting addresses 30 of the most common heartaches people face and takes away your fear of involvement by helping you understand what people are feeling and going through. From over 100 interviews and her own life experiences, Author Lauren Briggs shares proven advice and offers practical help with a list of what to say— and do. There is even a section on how to comfort people who have suffered the loss of a pet.

Lauren gave us a few minutes of her time to explain why she believes this book is one that is practical in the hands of many.

Why should I read The Art of Helping?

Do you know someone who is facing a crisis and wondered what you could do to help? Have you ever faced a difficult time and wished your family and friends knew what you were going through and knew how to help you?

I found that during my darkest hours, no one knew how much I was hurting, what I was going through or how they might help.

This is a book you’ll want to read before you need it—so that you will have ideas of what you can do and how you can respond—when you first hear the news. We want to help our family and friends through the hard times, but the right words or actions just don’t come to mind. The Art of Helping will give you the tools and enable you to turn thoughts into action.

If I was to ask you, “How will The Art of Helping change me?” what would you say?

The Art of Helping is your go to book when life gets tough. It is a social Bible filled with concrete, tangible action items to empower you to make a difference at times when we would otherwise feel helpless. When people get this book in their hands, they always say, “How I wish I had this book when my friend needed help.”

Yes, I think all of us who are chronically ill have often wished that people had a better idea of how to reach out to us. Sometimes when we live with illness, we think of everything in terms of that as our definition of suffering. But there are so many kinds of suffering in life! I wonder if you could share with us some of the basic Do’s and Don’ts that could be helpful for anyone–not just those with a chronic condition?

Sure! Here are some of my best tips!

DON’T wait before you make contact.
DO Respond as soon as you hear the news.

DON’T SAY “If there’s anything you need, give me a call.”
DO Offer a specific thing you can do.

DON’T put pressure on yourself to do something you don’t like to do.
DO use your gifts and talents to help.

DON’T minimize what they are going through.
DO offer caring statements of acknowledgement.

DON’T ASK “When will you be your old self again? or Aren’t you over it yet?”
DO understand that once their life is touched by tragedy, they will never be their “old self” again. They will eventually reach a “new normal” but life will never be the same.

Wonderful! Yes, I think those apply to anyone going through a difficult time. You have so many specific examples in the book. That is one of my favorite parts because it really personalizes it. Can you share with us some of your favorite creative suggestions in The Art of Helping?

Yes, here are some of my favorites!

• A mother of two young children picked up a hurting family’s laundry on Mondays, took it home and returned it all laundered and folded on Thursdays.
• A man volunteered to come mow the lawn once a week and do some simple “honey do” chores.
• My sons brought their game boy to the hospital for a friend going through chemo therapy. Every few days they would bring a different game to swap.

Those all sound wonderful. I know sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference for those of us who are hurting–both physically or emotionally. I am so glad to see that after a few years this book is still reaching so many people. It truly it timeless, Lauren. Can you tell our readers how they can I learn more about The Art of Helping?

The Art of Helping is reshaping the way people reach out to others. You can find more information at my website: www.laurenbriggs.com. You can also follow me on Facebook as and on Twitter as @Laurenbrgs. The Art of Helping is available both as an ebook and hard copy through Amazon.com. See the Kindle version here. If you would like an autographed copy of The Art of Helping, email me.

Thank you, Lauren! Readers! Lauren has graciously donated a copy of her book to one of you! Please take a moment to share a way that either (1) you encouraged someone who was hurting; (2) someone encouraged you when you were hurting; (3) a creative way you would like to encourage someone who is hurting.

We will pick the one that is most CREATIVE. . . so think hard! Post your comment below in the comments section and if you are chosen we will email you to get your postal address and Lauren will send the book right out!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is the author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, another great book to add to your “encouragement book shelf!” She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

In this scenario Mr. Robertson has shown the world that one’s personal comfort, especially in the case of having a spouse with a chronic illness, is more important than the marriage vows of “for better or for worse, until death do us part.”

The religious broadcaster Pat Robertson and chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) told his “700 Club” viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s is justifiable because the disease is “a kind of death.”

During the segment of the show where he answers questions from viewers, Robertson was asked what advice a man should give to a friend who began seeing another woman after his wife started suffering from the Alzheimer’s Disease.

He responds, “I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

When Terry Meeuwsen, Robertson’s co-host, asked him about couples’ marriage vows to take care of each other “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health” I thought he may be able to redeem himself, if he wasn’t sure what hole he had just dug for himself. . .but he didn’t.

“If you respect that vow, you say `til death do us part,’ This is a kind of death.”

It was perhaps this clarification that made me most annoyed me. Besides the statement on divorce, I was also frustrated to hear Robertson emphasize that, in the case of Alzheimer’s the person is “gone.”

He says, “I hate Alzheimer’s. It is one of the most awful things because here is a loved one—this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years. And suddenly that person is gone. They’re gone. They are gone.” (emphasis added). Robertson said that the viewer’s friend could obey the vow of “death till you part” because the disease was a “kind of death.”

Joel Hunter, senior pastor of the 15,000 member Northland Church in Orlando, FL is quoted as saying, “Obviously, you could do this for anything. … ‘My husband watches and plays video games, and so he has left the marriage and it’s kind of like a death,’” he said. “It’s not death, and so we can’t start describing things as death that are really not death, and we have to stop trying to mischaracterize what Scripture says for our own convenience.”

Though loved ones of a person who lives with Alzheimer’s Disease may feel the person they once knew has faded away, if that person is still alive on this earth–God still has a purpose and a plan of his or her life–regardless of how “meaningless” their life may seem to others.

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and lived in assisted living at the end of his years. Even though in his 90s when he died, his memorial service was packed full of people who wanted to celebrate his life–many who didn’t even know him before the Alzheimer’s set in. He impacted many, many lives, even when he had little memory.

We never know what nurse may be living a life of abuse at home, what physical therapist has asked God for a sign of His faithfulness today, what doctor has just lost his wife to cancer. . . and that a patient with Alzheimer’s may be the one who encourages him or her that day.

Joni Eareckson Tada also made a public statement on her website Joni and Friends:

“I was dismayed when this week Pat Robertson said to a nationwide audience that Alzheimer’s disease is a kind of death that makes divorce justifiable. When a Christian leader views marriage on a sliding scale, what does this say to the millions of couples who must deal daily with catastrophic injuries and illnesses?”

Marriage is designed to be a picture of God’s sacrificial love for us. Alzheimer’s disease is never an ‘accident’ in a marriage; it falls under the purview of God’s sovereignty. In the case of someone with Alzheimer’s, this means God’s unconditional and sacrificial love has an opportunity to be even more gloriously displayed in a life together!”

To put a “value” on any life based on what one can remember or what one can do, is to make us all replaceable to our loved ones. What if my coping skills crack under the stress of chronic pain? What if my husband didn’t want to deal with me when I had the flesh eating bacteria? What if we all gave up on our spouse every time life got tough and we said, “S/he just isn’t the same person anymore. . . “?

Is every marriage like Noah and Allie in The Notebook? No, we don’t live in Hollywood. But could we learn something about their faithfulness to one another despite life’s difficulties, including Alzheimer’s? Yes.

May God open the eyes of Mr. Robertson, and may we cover the many in prayer who heard is message and now believe their acts of leaving a spouse who is suffering is justifiable because “they just aren’t the same person I married.”

It is a sad thing to see our Christian leaders conforming to the world’s views so that people can live a life of comfort, while sometimes the world, such as in the movie The Notebook gets it right, showing true compassion.

Video of the 700 Club broadcast

Video of touching scenes from The Notebook

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

This is part 2 of a 2 part article. Part 1 is here: Carrying Super Rachel – The Logistics of When Your Wife Is Chronically Ill

It’s tough to live your life with a chronic illness. Even with the best attitude and support system, you have bad days where you think futile thoughts. “I should be able to do this. . . anybody my age should!” When you can’t walk yourself across the room, it’s easy to become depressed.

Here are some of the ways I help my wife combat this mentality:

• I reinforce that she’s definitely worth something–in face, everything–to me.
• We both are an active part of our support group, the Texas Association for Dysautonomia Awareness.
• I encourage her to participate in things she can find joy in and so that she can stay mentally active and feeling useful while she’s at home. These include things like sewing projects, embroidering, and updating her web site.
  We laugh and make jokes. You must have a sense of humor.
• We make family time a priority, not just with each other, but with extended family too.
• We make time for friendships and reach out to others. We want to be able to offer assistance and help others whenever we can.
• She sees her illness as part of her ministry. With that said, if she becomes too inwardly focused, she is not “doing her part.”

Matt & Rachel

Here are some ways we stay spiritually in touch:

• If you can’t get out of the house (or walk to the other side of it), it’s hard to feel like an important member of the body of Christ. We try to make sure Rachel maintains her relationship with Jesus and the rest of the church.
• We regularly attend church (this is a must since I’m the youth pastor!)
• Sometimes, when Rachel feels really bad, I let her skip church–or rather, if she is feeling really poorly, I “make her” skip church, (ie. I don’t make her feel guilty for taking care of herself.)
• We keep sermon podcasts from our favorite preachers on her iPod.
• We try to have a daily “Family Worship Time,” where we read some scripture, pray, and sing together.

Why do I do all of this? She is my wife, but more than that, she is my superhero. . . and I love her.

Matt Horne is the wife of Rachel, who lives with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and fibromyalgia, among other conditions. They have been married since December 2006 and Rachel is currently pregnant with her first child. Matt is the youth pastor at the First Baptist Church Hebron in Carrollton, Texas. You can visit his web site at http://www.matthorne.info .

Matt and Rachel

By Matt Horne

Caring for a chronically ill wife is not what I had envisioned when I was working up the nerve to ask out “that hot girl” who would later become my wife. We were in college and she was on the cross country team. She let me know very early on in the relationship that she had a chronic illness.

Nowadays, it’s just part of life. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if she were well.

There’s a reason I call her “Super Rachel.” On her good days, she can run circles around me–cleaning, getting things checked off her to-do list, and having tons of fun. She’s amazing.

On top of that, she has the greatest attitude and rarely lets her condition get her down. As her dad says, she’s an “overcomer.” Instead of having a “why me?” attitude, she says “what can I do to fix it?” She also has the tendency to volunteer for more than she can handle, but I digress. . .

Here are some tips about the logistics I’d like to pass on to help other couples who are coping with chronic illness:

Career

Super Rachel can’t work sometimes. A couple years ago, she was working part-time, working on her Master’s degree in Exercise Physiology, and working as a Graduate Assistant at the university (to pay for school). She crashed. We worked it out so we don’t need her income and she can stay at home trying to feel better.

Priorities

She was forced to reevaluate her priorities. Rachel used every ounce of her energy to please everyone else and live up to their expectations. Sometimes she was not physically able to drive home at night and I would have to put on my shining armor and drive my mighty steed (Ford Ranger) to pick her up. We had very little free time as a couple. At that time, she decided to put God first and her family (me) second in her life. School, work, and everything else is important, but not that important.

Now that she’s feeling better, she only works 2 days a week and we carpool, so she doesn’t have to drive herself. Working two days a week at the doctor’s office is the peak of her current physical ability, but she has the opportunity to help others with the same chronic condition she has.

Mobility

I searched on craigslist.org for a walker and a go-cart. (Yes, I call it the go-cart. Yes, I know I’m wrong. It is a mobility scooter. No, I won’t change.) I got the walker for $50 ($175 off) and the go-cart for $300 ($1,000 off). The walker helps her get around the house when she’s at her worst health-wise. The go-cart helps us get the shopping done, among other things.

Shopping

I used to get really frustrated when she said she had enough energy to go shopping, but didn’t. Invariably, when we got just about five items down on the list, she would need to quit and go home. I had probably 25 more things to get. It really made me angry sometimes, but it wasn’t her fault. The walker and the scooter dramatically changed things. Now, for the first time in her life, she actually enjoys shopping.

Independence

To help her be more independent on her bad days, I installed a hand-held shower head in the bath tub and bought a shower chair. Now she can clean herself most of the time.

Comfort

We used to sleep on an incline, so there wouldn’t be as much of a change for her when she gets up in the mornings. This is a common treatment for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.

Cooking

It is very important for her to be able to eat when I’m not home, even when she can’t stand up. If you can’t stand for more than a few seconds, you obviously can’t cook on the stove top. We try to get a good number of things pre-cooked and in the freezer for her to re-heat and I’m not talking about “healthy-choice box dinners” either.

We like to do what is called “Once A Month Cooking,” or OAMC. We’re not very good at doing it regularly, but if you do it right, you can have wonderful dinners & lunches for very little cost, and it’s all home made! With OAMC, you create a plan, buy your stuff, cook all day, and then freeze it for later. Sometimes all day Saturday spills over into part of the day on Sunday.

When she’s desperate for some nutrition and doesn’t have the energy to cook, she uses the walker to get to the kitchen, musters what energy she has to get the food from the freezer to the microwave, and then sits down on the seat of the walker (or the floor) while it cooks. After that, she can eat right there in the kitchen. Some days, we use the bar stool in front of the stove or sink so that she can get some work done.

And I almost forgot – I do pick her up and carry her sometimes!

Tomorrow Matt will Share. . .

How a Husband Can Encourage a Chronically Ill Wife – The Spiritual and Emotional Stuff

Matt Horne is the wife of Rachel, who lives with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and fibromyalgia, among other conditions. They have been married since December 2006 and Rachel is currently pregnant with her first child. Matt is the youth pastor at the First Baptist Church Hebron in Carrollton, Texas. You can visit his web site at http://www.matthorne.info .

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

Don Piper Ministries is holding it’s first ever “Hope Summit,” May 21-22, 2010 at First Baptist Church Pasadena, Texas.

Many have asked if there would ever be an event held where they could come, bring family & friends, & hear Don’s messages of hope & healing in person. Don & Eva Piper, Nash 3, Anita Onarecker Wood, Pray Guillory & Nicole Flenniken! You’ll receive tremendous encouragement for eternity & for this present life.

Register or find additional information at the web site.

Joel and Lisa, 1996

“I’m not going to kiss you…”

Who would ever think that hearing these words from your spouse would be considered a sign of his deep love? As my husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary recently at a nice hotel on the Oregon Coast, we walked on the beach hand in hand, and finally, after 3 days I said, “Just kiss me!” so he did.

He’d been in the state of “getting sick” for the last week on and off. The 1000-mile drive (and all the caffeine I kept handing him on the way to stay awake) had not exactly helped him fight it off.

Yep, that kiss was really stepping out of a safety zone. I’m glad to say I didn’t get sick.

Some of you may laugh. If you don’t have a chronic illness, you may think this all sounds a bit odd. I mean, who is going to get sick from one quick little kiss, right?

Well. . . me. And maybe you too, if you have a less than effective immune system.

Some of us may remember when we were young and in love and if the one we cared about was sick we just said “Ah, kiss me anyway.”

If we didn’t yet have a chronic illness our immune system could fight off the few germs from a kiss. And if we actually got sick? Well, that was just romantic, right?

About 6 weeks after I was officially diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 1993, my husband (who was just a boyfriend at the time) got the chicken pox. Despite our best of efforts for me to avoid it, I remember being at work and getting a horribly sore throat in a matter of an hour. I went home, and soon the sores started to appear on the rest of my body.

Although we’d been in our twenties, neither one of us had ever had the chicken pox. I remember him coming over to my home (where I rented a room) and we sat on the couch for hours watching movies. It wan’t fun, but I had been able to get on medications quickly to avoid the worst of the pox. He wasn’t so lucky. He had an allergic reaction and was quite miserable.

But there was a certain amount of “we’re in this together” feeling. As the saying goes, “shared hardship creates intimacy.” And yes, sharing chicken pox did create relationship memories. We thought we’d have stories to tell our child someday when he got them. Instead, he just got a vaccinne.

Now we aren’t so “romantic.” There are better ways to creat memories in a relationship and we have enough “shared hardships” that happen naturally without allowing new ones to happen, like shared colds.

Is a rushed kiss worth me being sick for weeks or maybe months? Nope! Is it worth me having to go off of my immuno-suppressant medications? The risk of possible upper respiratory infection? Uh, no.It turns not only my health upside down, but our entire household.

Can all of this hurt a relationship? Yes, it can if you let it. When it comes to intimacy within a marriage where chronic illness exists it takes a great deal of communication, a sense of humor, and . . . love.

Because when my husband stood there in front of friends and family and pledged to love me in sickness and in health in 1996, he knew the odds were that there would be a lot more sickness than health. He knew the difference between having an illness and “being sick.” He didn’t know all that would happen, but he promised to be there beside me. . . and he has been.

You know you have a chronic illness within your marriage, when your spouse puts on surgical gloves before caring for your wound and you aren’t even slightly humiliated. Or when you MUST get along (even when you are both stressed and driving each other nuts) because he is the only one in the house who can run the computer that is attached to your IV that gives you your doses of medication.

I realize how blessed I am to have a loving husband who stands beside me (some days to prop me up). He’s not perfect, and neither am I, but together, we are learning to walk the path of both marriage and illness together. And most days I do get a kiss!

To hear more from Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen and her husband Joel, listen to the podcast they did together on marriage and illness for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week 2009.

Joel & Lisa, 4/13/1996

“I’m not going to kiss you.”

Who would ever think that hearing these words from your spouse would be considered a sign of his deep love? As my husb& & I celebrated our 14th anniversary recently at a nice hotel on the Oregon Coast, we walked on the beach h& in h&, & finally, after 3 days I said, “Just kiss me!” so he did.

He’d been in the state of “getting sick” for the last week on & off. The 1000-mile drive (& all the caffeine I kept h&ing him on the way to stay awake) had not exactly helped him fight it off.

Yep, that kiss was really stepping out of a safety zone. I’m glad to say I didn’t get sick.

Some of you may laugh. If you don’t have a chronic illness, you may think this all sounds a bit odd. I mean, who is going to get sick from one quick little kiss, right?

Well. . . me. And maybe you too, if you have a less than effective immune system.

Some of us may remember when we were young & in love & if the one we cared about was sick we just said “Ah, kiss me anyway.”

If we didn’t yet have a chronic illness our immune system could fight off the few germs from a kiss. And if we actually got sick? Well, that was just romantic, right?

About 6 weeks after I was officially diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 1993, my husb& (who was just a boyfriend at the time) got the chicken pox. Despite our best of efforts for me to avoid it, I remember being at work & getting a horribly sore throat in a matter of an hour. I went home, & soon the sores started to appear on the rest of my body.

Although we’d been in our twenties, neither one of us had ever had the chicken pox. I remember him coming over to my home (where I rented a room) & we sat on the couch for hours watching movies. It wan’t fun, but I had been able to get on medications quickly to avoid the worst of the pox. He wasn’t so lucky. He had an allergic reaction & was quite miserable.

But there was a certain amount of “we’re in this together” feeling. As the saying goes, “shared hardship creates intimacy.” And yes, sharing chicken pox did create relationship memories. We thought we’d have stories to tell our child someday when he got them. Instead, he just got a vaccinne.

Now we aren’t so “romantic.” There are better ways to creat memories in a relationship & we have enough “shared hardships” that happen naturally without allowing new ones to happen, like shared colds.

Is a rushed kiss worth me being sick for weeks or maybe months? Nope! Is it worth me having to go off of my immuno-suppressant medications? The risk of possible upper respiratory infection? Uh, no.It turns not only my health upside down, but our entire household.

Can all of this hurt a relationship? Yes, it can if you let it. When it comes to intimacy within a marriage where chronic illness exists it takes a great deal of communication, a sense of humor, & . . . love.

Because when my husb& stood there in front of friends & family & pledged to love me in sickness & in health in 1996, he knew the odds were that there would be a lot more sickness than health. He knew the difference between having an illness & “being sick.” He didn’t know all that would happen, but he promised to be there beside me. . . & he has been.

You know you have a chronic illness within your marriage, when your spouse puts on surgical gloves before caring for your wound & you aren’t even slightly humiliated. Or when you MUST get along (even when you are both stressed & driving each other nuts) because he is the only one in the house who can run the computer that is attached to your IV that gives you your doses of medication.

I realize how blessed I am to have a loving husb& who st&s beside me (some days to prop me up). He’s not perfect, & neither am I, but together, we are learning to walk the path of both marriage & illness together. And most days I do get a kiss!

To hear more from Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen & her husb& Joel, listen to the podcast they did together on marriage & illness for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week 2009.

And even better news? It’s on at least one time a day each week! Even if you do not live in North America, you can still watch too “streaming” as they call it LIVE at www.llbn.tv

A little bit about the program: The first episodes of ‘Peace in the Storm’ began airing on LLBN TV Sunday, February 7. On Sunday of each week, a new episode airs & then re-airs Monday-Friday at a different time each day.

The following is further information about when the episodes will air, & how to find them: