By Lisa Copen

Have you seen the T.V. show, “What Would You Do? With John Quinones“? In it, they have actors set up a situation and then wait to see if anyone gets involved. Do people stand up for the “underdog”? Will adults buy teens beer? Will people stop a drunk parent from driving? Results are very interesting.

Below are some scenarios to help church leaders think, “What would our church do?” We always hope that we will do the right thing. We believe our church will make the best choices for all involved. But sometimes the lines get buried. Phone calls don’t get returned because no one has an answer for the hurting person.

Too often I hear from people who have called their church with stories like the ones below and the receptionist offers the quick response of, “Well, we don’t really have any programs for that, but our services are at 8 and 10:30.” And just because someone is a pastor, a chaplain, or a deacon, doesn’t mean that they always are able to express things exactly how they would like. Our church leadership and all members of pastoral care can benefit greatly from discussing these situations and asking, “What would we do?”

So. . .what would your church do? The last thing you want you want is for someone to hang up the phone when calling your church and think like Job did, “I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:2)

When the apostle Paul wrote the Corinthians he said,

^“For when we came into Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever. (2 Corinthians 7:5-7)

He speaks of conflicts and fears, but also comfort, longing, and concern. When we know someone is concerned for us, it can produce comfort and even joy.

Below are 7 scenarios that you can print out and use in your church to see how people in leadership would respond. Read the situations and discuss them. Have people ask questions or step into the shoes of the person who the scenario is about and probe deeper. By going over some of this together with other people in church leadership, when similar situations actually arise you will be given the gift of having discussed this in advance and having an idea of how to answer.

Scenario #1 – Nancy, 64, single

Nancy has attended your church’s denomination in Virginia for 10 years, but stopped going two years ago when her degenerative disc disease caused her to be unable to sit for more than 15 minutes. She moved to this community last month and has called the church to see if there are any ways she can get involved. She would like to make some new women friends and fellowship. She moved here because her son and his family live nearby, but her son works and travels a lot. Nancy’s daughter-in-law doesn’t seem to understand the pain she in on a daily basis, or the fact that she can’t drive to her home and babysit for her for hours.

Nancy is feeling saddened, but also hopeful that she can connect with someone at the church. What do you tell her?

Scenario #2 – Jeff, 39, married

Last week you ran into Jeff. He was looking at a cycling magazine in a waiting room and you commented on your similar interests. He confided that he doesn’t cycle any longer since he was diagnosed with severe chronic fatigue syndrome last year. And then he opened up to you that he is a bit lost. He can barely work, his wife is growing frustrated and distant, and he is unable to coach his nine-year-old son’s baseball team any longer. He wonders if the pain doesn’t stop. . . if maybe his family would be “better off without him.” He jokingly said “There are ways I can make it look like a bicycle accident so my family is taken care of.”

You asked him about his faith and he said he used to believe in God when he was a child, but if there is a God–he’s not interested in Him because no God of love would allow such suffering. How do you respond?

Scenario #3 – Sarah, 26, married

Sarah and her spouse have attended your church for five years. She has dealt with infertility issues, but has still volunteered at Vacation Bible School and Sunday School. Now she has recently been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and can barely get out of bed in the morning, plus she has discovered that she is two months pregnant. Last week, she saw her neighbor, who currently has cancer and also goes to your church, have people stop over with meals, flowers, etc. She’s happy her neighbor has the help, but she also feels alone and overwhelmed.

When she confided in a woman at Bible study about the stress she was feeling she was told, “God will just take care of it!” But Sarah is scared that her medications may cause birth defects. Her husband is scared too, and blocking her out. He is working extra hours, wondering how he will provide for her and the baby and the additional care they both may need. This is more responsibility than he thinks he can handle.

Sarah is starting to wonder why God has allowed her to feel so physically awful during what should be a joyful time. And what does she even pray for? How do you respond to Sarah?

Scenario #4 – Joe and his wife, 49, married

Joe’s wife called the church. She is 49 and Joe has just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He also has diabetes and she has congestive heart disease. Joe refuses to talk to anyone about it, including her. But he is doubting whether to even seek treatment. She is scared for his life and if he may actually take his life. She is scared for her life as well. And all the stress is not good for her heart.

They attend your church about once a month, but it is even harder to get there now. She needs prayer. She wonders where God is in all of this. She needs help with some basics, like getting Christmas lights down (it’s April!). And she wonders if there any man he may be able to talk to Joe? What do you tell her?

Scenario #5 – Laura, 39, single mom of a teenager

Laura has heard that your church has a great teen program and although she goes to another church, she is feeling invisible there. She is a single mom and her daughter, Jessica, is 19 years old and survived a brain tumor last year. Jessica lived with Laura’s mother, (her grandmother) who served as her daily caregiver, so that Laura could keep her job and her health insurance to best care for her daughter.

Now Jessica lives with her mom and in your community, and is homeschooled. But she needs friends who will understand that she had some delays with cognitive abilities and is self-conscious of some of the things that are challenging for her. What do you suggest? How do you prepare and introduce the youth group to Jessica?

Scenario #6 – Ellen, 58, diabetes and caregiver

Ellen is new in town, but she has always been part of your denomination. She is a grandmother to Shane, who is 13, and severely autistic. Shane’s dad (Ellen’s son) and Shane live with Ellen, but Shane’s dad travels a lot for work and Ellen’s former support system for fellowship and respite help is gone with their relocation.

Ellen hates asking for help, but she’s eager to just go to a women’s Bible study or talk to other caregivers. She is quickly growing exhausted caring for Shane and is becoming resentful — to Shane, to his dad (her son) — and to God. It’s no one’s fault. Shane lost his mother to cancer when he was two years old so Ellen stepped in to help raise him. But she’s been diabetic for 10 years now and the doctor visits are never ending between her and Shane. Trying to control Shane at her own doctor’s appointments is a disaster and yet there aren’t any babysitters she trusts, since Shane has some special needs.

Where is God and why has he allowed so many burdens to hit their family? How would you encourage this woman and offer her practical help through your church?

Scenario #7 – Rebecca, 22, lives with boyfriend

Rebecca lives in your community and you have seen her a few times at church, but it has been six months or so since her last visit. She lives with her boyfriend and you have never met him. Last week you drove a friend to the emergency room, and Rebecca was there in the waiting room, quite beaten up.

You went over to her and sat down to try to offer some comfort. At first she said she had been mugged, but as you began to pray for her, she told you to stop. Through tears, she confessed that her boyfriend Mark had beaten her up pretty badly. She has had fibromyalgia for two years. Some days are okay, but other days she can barely get out of bed. Mark told her she was a hypochondriac and making it up for attention.

He insisted if she really was that ill, then she should just quit her job and just rely on him. But she can’t quit her job! She has been the one providing for him for years! Plus, she would lose her health insurance. She is scared to leave him though and worried if he would make it without her. It is obvious to you that her boyfriend has a great deal of emotional control over her. It is also impacting her health and illness. And now with a black eye and a broken nose, she may lose her job anyway. What do you suggest?

________________________________

Overwhelming, isn’t it? It is even more exhausting to live these lives –not just read about them. With chronic conditions hitting nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA, it oftentimes hits one family multiple times as in some of the scenarios above.

What can your church leadership learn from these examples?

It can be hard to just listen but remember that “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) By giving “pat” answers of “I’m sure God will work it all out” we are saying, “I don’t have time for this or really know what to do so I will reassure them that God is in control. But is that shutting our ears? Even if we don’t have the answers, listening can be one of our greatest gifts. And if we don’t? Well, that can be one of our biggest downfalls, for scripture tells us, “If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.” (Proverbs 21:13)

Why should we take the time to prepare in advance?
Because Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” With time spent in the Word, and discussing it together, we may know in advance more fully how to answer. “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” (1 Peter 3:15)

I look forward to your comments below about how this worked as a discussion tool–or–how these stories even touched your lives. They may be “fiction” on this page, but they are based on real emails I receive every day.

Related articles: What I’d Like to Tell My Pastor About Living with Illness (restministries.com)

Have you ever wondered where God is when no one seems to hold your hand through those tough times? When you cope with health problems, you hold on and fight to stay positive, but there are days when you can easily wonder, “Why bother living when I am facing a serious infection without a hand to hold?”

It was the seventh day of being hospitalized with the flesh eating bacteria and I felt so alone. The couple of people who had visited were friends my husband had emailed or called and pleaded that they stop by to say hello, since the original announcement of my hospitalization had not resulted in any visitors or calls.

Sitting there feeling so alone, I refused to cry. If I started, I knew the tears wouldn’t stop. My husband had to work. My mom was flying to town to help once I was released from the hospital, but now I had to have the big, painful procedure of debriding the dead skin that had turned black on my ankle.

I may live with painful rheumatoid arthritis daily, but the truth is, I am a wimp when it comes to painful procedures where I have no control over someone else’s actions.

The nurse came in and helped the surgeon prepare, and then she grabbed my hand. “I know it is scary, honey, but I am not going anywhere. I will be here the entire time and hold your hand. Squeeze if hurts. Just pretend I am your mom.”

I squeezed when the pain of the procedure became unbearable and tears flowed down my cheeks without a sound, but having that hand to hold made the difference.

So often we feel like life is just not worth living anymore and it is not unusual when you are dealing with a serious infection or illness to have suicidal thoughts. If we have to go through the tough times alone, and the people who know us and love us cannot even be there, why bother hanging on? When you love with daily chronic pain and then additional infections threaten to take your life, why not just give in and end the pain?

Because someone will hold your hand. Pray for a hand to hold, whether it be a stranger or a best friend. In Genesis 21:17, 18 we read that when the fourteen-year-old Ishmael cried, God heard him and sent His angel to tell his mother, “Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand. . .”

And those times when no one appears? God is there to hold your hand.

When you see someone who is hurting, ask them if you can take their hand in some way. You may find purpose in your life today by just holding the door open for one who is struggling, taking a box into the post office for one who is in need. Lift someone up by taking your hand and offering it to someone in need. You may never know the difference you have made. They may have been wondering that very day, “Why bother living?” and you have let them know there is hope.

This song below, “Hold Her Hands,” is written by Carolynn Grace who shares, “I wrote this song about a close friend of mine who went through a stage of depression, but God pulled her through. He is always faithful and his love never fails.”

Lisa Copen has lived with rheumatoid arthritis for nineteen years, and has found purpose in her pain by reaching out to others with chronic illness through her organization that serves those with chronic illness or pain through daily devotionals and other programs at Rest Ministries.

Related articles

• You are Too Young to Be That Sick!(chronicillnessarticles.wordpress.com)

  ---

• 5 Priorities After a New Illness Diagnosis(chronicillnessarticles.wordpress.com)

  ---

• Chronic Illness and the Hurtful Things People Say(chronicillnessarticles.wordpress.com)

  ---

In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day, today, May 4th, we offer you this inspirational article from a military wife. Thank you to all the families who serve our country daily–including the spouses and children of the men and women who are soldiers. In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day remember to say thank you, not just to a solider, but to his or her spouse too!

Lynn Burchfield

I’m currently enduring a very challenging deployment, but I want to tell you about the amazing gifts from God that have not only helped me through, but brought my family back on a path to Him.

Our son was born in April 2009 and I could not imagine being any happier. Unfortunately, an upcoming deployment was looming and I couldn’t help but become angry and despondent. My husband had decided to accept an opportunity to serve overseas with the Multinational Force and Observers (MFO) in the Sinai Peninsula. Now, I’d heard him speak of this deployment many times before, hoping he could someday be a part of it.

I screamed, “But why now? What horrible timing!” There were many tearful discussions and arguments, but deep down I knew he had to do this. After the initial shock, I surprised myself with my understanding and patience. Was that God’s first gift during this difficult time?

In a few months I was to be a single mother of sorts, so I had to just take it day by day. After my husband left, I really didn’t have time to be upset, but somehow I found time! I had evenings alone to get angry and think about all that daddy was missing. I cried a lot, but my tears were always erased by the most amazing baby. I cherished our times together rocking, kissing, cuddling, nursing, singing, giggling. . . the blessings he brings me are endless. His love kept me going. “. . . weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5, NLT).

This is where I first started to see why God had given me a son when He did.

The diagnosis

Just when I thought I could make it through, life threw me a curve ball to end 2009. At the end of November, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Here I was with a 7-month-old baby, a husband a world away, and a family states away. Again, I cried “But why now? What horrible timing! Why me?”

MS is such a disease of the unknown. Every patient is different and all the doctors could tell me was that only time will tell how I fair. Here I am, the one who likes to plan everything and whose only fear is the unknown, and I’m marked with a disease that could eventually disable me. . . or maybe not! Life sped out of control. I went in the hospital for a 3-day steroid treatment meaning I had to stop nursing my son cold turkey. I had to learn about giving myself shots three days per week and I had to break the news to my husband, my family, my friends.

I thought the stress alone would kill me

Somehow I had the strength to carry on, to be positive and try not to worry about the unknown. I again surprised myself at how I was dealing with a difficult situation. This time I really started to see what God’s plan was. I knew I had to be the mom God wanted me to be and it was through God’s gift of our son that provided me the strength and comfort I needed during a tough time. I saw this circle of life and thanked Him for an abundance of grace.

Still midway through his deployment, my husband was told he couldn’t take leave as previously scheduled. But he somehow found a way to make it home. Having our family together again for two weeks rejuvenated me. I thanked God for bringing my husband home when I needed him the most!

God’s plan starts to unfold

The end of this deployment is on the horizon, but God’s blessings didn’t end there. I love to say God works in mysterious ways, so let me tell you of the final gift from God that came from this deployment. My husband and I are Christians, but we’ve struggled to really let God into our lives. Over the years I’ve talked of our need to join a church and gently tried to nudge my husband in the right direction. I must admit, I wasn’t always walking the walk myself. We just weren’t serious about getting on this path.

Having a family now, I was even more adamant in our need to raise our son as a Christian and lead by example. My husband agreed, but I wasn’t sure his heart was in the right place yet. I planned to start looking for a church family and we’d go from there. Meanwhile, I had noticed changes in my husband. He was the one encouraging me to keep faith in my heart during tough times. He was the one telling me that our son, “our Angel,” would help me through it all. He gave me constant praise as a mother and thanked me for all that I was doing. His encouragement was uplifting.

Most recently he wrote to tell me of the “spark that has been lit here” and how he has a longing to learn more about Jesus and to really do what is right. When I read those words, my eyes welled with tears and I thought, now I really know God’s plan for this deployment. If he had to take my husband to the Holy Land to bring his heart back to Him, it was all worth it!

What I am learning on this journey

Last year I learned what it means to experience the best and worst time of your life all at once. God showed me that He truly provides all that I need and He’s working in my life in ways that I could have never known. I was upset and scared, but He provided me comfort—our sweet Angel. I was angry and despondent, but He showed me His plan—our way back to Him.

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold…” (I Peter 1:6-7, NLT).

Lynn Burchfield became an instant Army wife when she got married in 2002 and has lived through active duty and national guard life. She is originally from Illinois and now resides in Arizona with her husband and their 15-month-old son. She enjoys writing, hiking (in Arizona winters!) and getting together with other new moms whenever possible.

“Amazing Gifts: God’s Surprising Timing” originally appeared at www.faithdeployed.com, a web site providing spiritual encouragement to military wives. The web site was born out of the books by Jocelyn Green, Faith Deployed and its sequel, Faith Deployed. . . Again.

By Leslie Vernick

Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when you want to (or should) say “no”? For example, several years back, a graduate student asked me if I thought she would make a good counselor. I knew her gifts weren’t strongest in that area, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She left our conversation believing I thought she was capable.

We all do it. We say “yes” when our honest response should be “no.” But let’s take a look at the cost of being too nice.

We Hurt People

It amazes me how unaware we are of how we injure people by being too nice. Isn’t that why we’re nice to begin with? We don’t want to hurt people? When I wasn’t completely honest with my intern, I unintentionally hurt her. She spent time, energy, and money pursuing a career that didn’t reflect her true calling.

In another example, Lydia worked hard to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mother. But the more she gave, the more her husband and children took, with little concern or even awareness of Lydia’s needs.

Lydia became exhausted caring for everyone with no one giving back to her. Over time, Lydia’s niceness enabled her family to become more and more self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish. Lydia didn’t mean to, but she weakened her husband and children by not inviting them into a more reciprocal relationship.

Here’s another way we wound people by being too nice. Debbie was a new believer who attended Nancy’s Bible study at church. Debbie began phoning Nancy at home, asking a question or wanting to talk something through.

Debbie always took Nancy’s calls, but soon grew weary. She didn’t want to discourage her new friend, but found her neediness overwhelming. Instead of being more honest with Debbie and setting a better schedule for phone calls, Nancy started using her caller ID to screen her calls. Eventually Debbie caught on and felt hurt and abandoned. Nancy’s niceness gave Debbie the impression that she was always available any time night or day.

When we are too nice and fail to set appropriate boundaries, we may not mean to, but we hurt people. The only person who can be always available without getting crabby or tired is God. Don’t try to do his job. You will fail every time and the other person will get hurt.

We Hurt Ourselves

There is nothing unbiblical about being wise with who you give yourself to. While in college, Sharon took a walk with a young man she wasn’t attracted to, nor was she very comfortable with. She said yes because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying “no thanks”. During their walk, he sexually assaulted her. Every day she deeply regrets that she was too nice.

It doesn’t have to be a dangerous or suspicious situation for us to learn to simply say “no thank you, I can’t,” or “I don’t want to.” We all have limited resources of time, energy, and money. When we allow others to take from our resources without limits, it’s like giving them unrestricted access to our checking account and then feeling angry when we’re constantly overdrawn.

If giving to someone hurts you, count the cost. Sometimes it’s appropriate to sacrifice yourself for another, and other times it’s foolish. Jesus tells a story about five women who refused to share their lamp oil with five others who did not bring enough for themselves. Instead of rebuking these women for being stingy, Jesus called them wise (Mathew 25:1-13).

We Miss God’s Best

Each day there are endless things and people that clamor for our attention. Oswald Chambers reminds us that “the great enemy of the life of faith is the good that is not good enough.” Don’t allow other people to set your values, your schedule, or your priorities.

Many people asked Jesus to do things for them, but Jesus always looked for what God wanted first–even if it meant disappointing people. (See Mark 1:29-38 or John 11:1-6.) When we are too nice and passively accommodate others, we could very well miss God’s best.

How Do I Make Good Choices About This?

Finally, here are some steps to help you stop being too nice:

1. Understand that nice isn’t one of the fruits of the Spirit. Being kind doesn’t mean you always say “yes.” It means that you learn to say “no” kindly.

2. Before you say “yes,” stop and say, “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you.” This will give you time to think through whether you’re being too nice or if you really feel led to do it.

3. Let go of guilt. You can’t be all things to all people nor do everything people want. Jesus was perfect, and he still disappointed people.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose. Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

Note from Lisa:

When we live with illness we can easily feel guilty about all that we cannot do, perhaps how our family misses out on things because of our disease. To compensate, it is easy to give in to everything they want that we are “somewhat” capable of. I say somewhat because just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

For example, I have been trying to encourage my family members to pick up after themselves better, so that I don’t have to do so much of this, so I have leftover energy to do fun things with them or make healthy (not last minute) dinners.

I know it is easier to talk about then it is to put into place. How could you “stop being nice” to help improve not only your life, but the life of those around you?

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

A few months ago someone at Rest Ministries asked me what books I would recommend for some different areas of grief, and in looking at my list from years past, I realized sadly that many of them had gone out of print.

So I started compiling a new list. To add to the books I was aware of, I asked a group of Christian women authors of a group I am part of, AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association). They eagerly told me what books they recommend to people (many of them are also counselors), and what books they had written of specific areas of grief.

Some of these books we have even carried in our Rest Ministries bookstore over the years such as, The Gift of Mourning Glories by Georgia Shaffer about her journey with cancer and subsequent bone marrow transplant. and The Art of Helping by Lauren Littauer Briggs. I am blessed to call them both friends.

So below you will find the list on Christian books that I have compiled on a variety of grief situations, from the loss of a loved one, to divorce and everything in between. If you have read a book you think belongs on this list, please list it in the comments below. Authors who are members of the group I mentioned have AWSA beside their name.

If you are interested in purchasing a link, please use this Amazon search box below. If you click through clicking this link, Rest Ministries will receive a small percentage for referring you and this helps keep us going!

Amazon

Warmly,
Lisa

The Top Christian Books About Grief and Loss

GENERAL LOSS/GRIEF

After the Locusts: Restoring Ruined Dreams, Reclaiming Wasted Years, Jan Coleman
Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others are Celebrating, Howard F. Smith
Devotions for the Brokenhearted, Robin Prince Monroe
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
For Such a Time as This A Book of Comfort, Lanair G. Williams
For These Tough Times,, Max Lucado
For Those Who Hurt,, Chuck Swindoll
Getting Through the Tough Stuff,, Chuck Swindoll
A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss Georgia Shaffer, AWSA
Good Grief,, Granger E. Westberg
A Grace Disguised, Gerald Sittser
A Grief Observed,, C.S. Lewis
Grace for Tough Times, Mary J. Nelson
Grief Share, 1999, The Church Initiative
Grief-Work it, Let It Be, S. Leo Richardson
If God is so Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?, David Biebel
Living Above Pain: Experiencing Joy in the Midst of Suffering, Alma Edith Welch
On Grief and Grieving,, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
Prayer Guide for the Brokenhearted: Comfort and Healing on the Way to Wholeness, Michelle McKinney Hammond
The One-Year Book of Hope, Nancy Guthrie
Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times (Coming in October 2012), Jackie M. Johnson AWSA
Shattered Dreams, Larry Crabb
Strength and Hope Through the Seasons of Life, Cindy McMenamin AWSA
Thoughts for the Holidays Finding Permission to Grieve,, Doug Manning
The Twenty-Third Psalm for Those Who Grieve, Carmen Leal AWSA When Women Walk Alone: Finding
When You Can’t Find God: How to Ignite the Power of His Presence, Linda E. Shepherd AWSA
When You Don’t Know What to Pray: How to Talk to God about Anything, Linda E. Shepherd AWSA
Where Is God When It Hurts, Philip Yancey
Words of Comfort for Times of Loss, co-written with Liz Allison and Cecil Murphey

MARRIAGE

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, Linda Rooks AWSA
That Was Then, This Is Now, This Broken Vessel Restored, Paulete Harper AWSA
When Love Ends, Jackie M. Johnson AWSA

PARENTING

20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge AWSA
Different Dream Parenting: A Practical Guide to Raising a Child with Special Needs, Jolene Philo, AWSA
Different Dream for My Child: Meditations for parents of critically or chronically ill children, Jolene Philo AWSA
Hope for Families of Children on the Autistic Spectrum, Lynda Young AWSA
Hope for Families of Children with Cancer, Lynda Young AWSA
Hope for Families of Children with Heart Disease, Lynda Young AWSA

LOSS OF LOVED ONE

90 Minutes in Heaven, Don Piper and Cecil Murphey
How to Plan a Funeral and Other Things You Need to Know When a Loved One Dies by Liz Cowen Furman, AWSA
Will I Ever Be Whole Again? Surviving the Death of Someone You Love, Randy Aldrich

SUICIDE

Aftershock: Help, Hope and Healing in the Wake of Suicide, Candy Arrington & David Cox AWSA
Fierce Goodbye, Lloyd and Gwendolyn Carr
Finding Your Way After the Suicide of Someone You Love, David B. Biebel, DMin, & Susanne L. Foster
Grieving a Suicide, A. Hsu
Standing in the Shadow: Help and Encouragement for Suicide Survivors, June Cerza Kolf

DEATH OF CHILD

Jonathan You Left Too Soon, David B. Biebel
Roses in December, Marilyn Heavilin
Too Early Frost (losing child to cancer), Harold Dostervien
The Toughest Days of Grief (multiple losses and holidays, Meg Woodson
Grieving Forward, Suzie Duke (loss her 17-year-old son)
Waiting For Answers: A Parent’s Guide to Grief, Resolution, and Healing, Betsy Haid

WIDOWHOOD

Dare to Trust, Dare to Hope Again, Kari West
From One Widow to Another: Conversations on the New You, Miriam Neff
Light in My Darkest Night, Catherine Marshall
Will I Ever Be Whole Again? Sandra Aldrich AWSA
Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope, H. Norman Wright

INFERTILITY/LOSS OF BABY

Beside the Empty Cradle: Finding Peace with Childlessness, Pamela Sonnenmoser AWSA
Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby, Janet Thompson AWSA
Empty Arms (miscarriage), Pam Vredevelt
Hannah’s Prayer, Jennifer Saake
Morning Will Come (infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, early infant death) Sandy Day AWSA
Standing on the Promises (a chapter on infertility) Leslie Vernick, AWSA

LOSS OF HEALTH

90 Minutes in Heaven, Don Piper and Cecil Murphey
A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God’s Mercy and Our Pain, Elisabeth Elliott
Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer, Janet Thompson AWSA
Joni Eareckson Tada–any of her books
Mosaic Moments: Devotions For The Chronically Ill, Lisa Copen AWSA
Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, Jerry Bridges
When God Weeps: wHy Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty, Joni Eareckson Tada
Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why, Lisa Copen, AWSA

CAREGIVERS

Ambushed, Grace: Help & Hope on the Caregiving Journey, Shelly Beach AWSA
Because You Care: Spiritual Encouragement for Caregivers, Cecil Murphey and Twila Belk AWSA
Blessings And Prayers for Caregivers, Annetta E. Dellinger and Karen Boerger AWSA
A Caregiver’s Survival Guide: How to Stay Healthy When Your Loved One Is Sick, Kay Marshall Strom
My Parents, My Children: Spiritual Help for Caregivers, Cecil Murphey
Precious Lord Take My Hand: Meditations for Caregivers, Shelly Beach AWSA
The Twenty-Third Psalm For Caregivers, Carmen Leal AWSA
Walking Together Through Illness: Twelve Steps for Caregivers and Care Receivers, Wanda Scott Bledsoe, Milt Bledsoe
When Someone You Love No Longer Remembers, Cecil Murphey
Give Us This Day: Daily Hope for Caregivers, Martha Sparks

WHEN A FRIEND IS HURTING

The Art of Helping What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting, Lauren Littauer Briggs
Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, Lisa Copen, AWSA
Comforting Those Who Grieve: A Guide for Helping Others, Doug Manning
The Complete Guide to Crisis & Trauma Counseling: What to Do and Say When It Matters Most! H. Norman Wright
Helping Those in Grief: A Guide to Help You Care for Others, H. Norman Wright
How to Help a Heartbroken Friend, David B. Biebel
Ministering to the Mourning: A Practical Guide for Pastors, Church Leaders, and Other Caregivers, David Wiersbe, Warren W. Wiersbe

MISC

RAPE: Forgiving the Dead Man Walking, Debbie Morris

UNPLANNED PREGNANCY: Deliver Me: Hope, Help, & Healing through True Stories of Unplanned Pregnancy by Dianne E. Butts

I am happy to be able to call Edna a friend through a Christian women writers organization, but even I didn’t know all that she had experienced in her life until I read this book. This woman has every right to write about her journey with suffering and how to use it for God’s plans.

This is an interactive 6-week Bible study that helps guide the reader through her pain and to a point where she can see how God may just use it. In my opinion, this book would most benefit those who have gone through the grief cycle of a period of suffering, who are now looking for how to use this pain and experience for God’s glory.

For example, if you were diagnosed with a chronic illness last week, this book likely will not meet your needs–yet! But when you have gone through the times of grief, anger, bargaining with God, etc. and are to the point where you want to step out of that grief cycle and into a place where God can use your pain, this is one of the best books I have ever seen to lead you on the next steps.

• In the chapter, “Trusting in Others: God Given Guidance” it explains the need for women to have mentors and some possibilities for you to become a mentor for women in your neighborhood, church, or as a volunteer at an organization.
• “Praying For Others With Serious Problems” explains how to pray for those who are suffering a great deal. This topic is one that Christian leaders are somehow just expected to know how to do, but are rarely taught.
• “Your God-Given Passion: God’s Motivation” reminds us how look for the “hurt points” we have had in our life and to recognize how they may be the most important ways that God can use us, as we can relate with the hurts others are going through.

If you are tired of just reacting to the pains in your life, and you are ready to pro-actively respond to them instead–in ways that will bring God glory and help you discover His will for your life–this book is for you! Edna wraps her arms around you, cautious to tread lightly on your hurts that still may be a bit raw, but she also encourages you and helps the reader see the potential God has for all the sufferings in her life.

The fact that this is a workbook, and not just a book to read, makes it a tool to not just encourage you to follow the plans God has for your life, but a way to actually be able to discover them, focus them, and then start reaching for them.

This book is 224 pages, and is larger than your average book at 8.9 x 7.5 inches.

Edna Ellison, who holds a Ph.D., speaks to women all over the world. According to her Amazon profile, she loves collecting Christian jokes and leading women in her church in the Beautiful Hat Society, a group of Christian women who meet monthly for encouragement, laughter, and a time of sharing their mentoring adventures.

Get it today at the Rest Ministries Shop! Our bookstore is how we find the funds to keep us going so your purchases help us keep the computers running!

By Cecil Murphey

“I’ve learned that building walls isn’t the same as setting boundaries.”

I heard those words last month from a woman in my seminar audience.

I’ve thought about that statement almost every day. Both walls and boundaries are important. I need to be aware of their difference and appreciate their value.

Have you built walls to protect yourself from more emotional pain?

I’m learning to build walls to protect myself from people who demand my time and constantly ask me to do things for them. Walls provide safety. I need to close myself off from some individuals. Once they get inside the walls, it’s difficult to push them out.

Walls remind me of the old story of the Arab and his camel during a sandstorm. The camel asked to put only his nose into the tent. The Arab agreed and then the whole head and the feet. Slowly the camel intruded so the Arab finally slept outside and the camel had the tent. The walls of the tent were there but they did little good for the Arab.

I want my walls to remain sturdy to keep others outside. I want to shut myself away from certain individuals and the erected barriers to give me the privacy I seek.

What is the difference between a wall and a boundary?

By contrast, boundaries represent the places where I give permission to cross onto my property—that is, I offer them my interest, time, and energy.

I say, “Come into my life,” and I point to an invisible line. “You may have this much from me as you like but I won’t allow you to cross my line of personal space.”

Are there drawbacks to having walls?

Walls keep me safe, but they can also keep me isolated. Sometimes I hide from people with whom I need to interact, but haven’t erected walls for others. I need wisdom—daily wisdom—to know those to shut out and those to invite into my life.

Building boundaries can be a challenge

Establishing boundaries is difficult for me, but I’m learning. Often many times a day, I have to decide what’s important to me, how much I choose to give or to share, and how far I’ll allow someone to come into my space.

Cecil Murphey is a best-selling author of numerous books including 90 Minutes in Heaven. His newest book, is Making Sense When Life Doesn’t (Understanding the Books of the Bible) Used with permission, copyright Cecil Murphy, 2012.

I recently wrote about this new blog on 3/30/12, New Thinking About Suicide Blog Offers Eternal Hope. Some of you, however, missed this post and then wondered why I was “liking” a page on Facebook that is called “Thinking About Suicide”. Don’t worry! I am just supporting the efforts to help spread the word.

Below is a short video message to you about this blog and also my personal plea with anyone who wonders if life is worth living. . . it is. It is hard. But life is worth living.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

 To submit your own link, put the code to our “Link Party button” (opens in a new window) on your own site. Then click the little blue button below that says “add your link” to submit your link!

A few months ago a friend of mine, Linda Evans Shepherd, announced to our group of Christian women writers that she was starting a blog specifically to reach out to those who were considering suicide. I have to say that anything Linda touches is done well and with complete passion and heart behind it. Her most recent web site, Finding God Daily, has a wonderful collection of articles about all the places we can find God!

But would I be able to make a commitment to write an article or two a month about suicide? What do I know that may encourage someone else? And I just have a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology, while many of the writers are professional counselors.

But then I got an email from someone at Rest Ministries pouring her heart out. . . about taking her life. And all those statistics about chronic pain or physical illness being the cause of about 70 percent of suicides kept popping up in my mind in the next few days (Source: Mackenzie TB, Popkin MK: “Suicide in the medical patient.” Intl J Psych in Med 17:3-22, 1987).

So I prayed about it. And God said, “Do it.”

I emailed Linda and volunteered and was accepted as a writer for this new amazing blog Thinking About Suicide. It just kicked off last week on Wednesday, March 21, 2012. Why a Wednesday? Linda explains in one of the blog posts How to Live Through Hump Day that Wednesday is the day when most suicides occur.

In just a little over a week there is a wonderful growing collection of blog posts by this team of writers. Recently, author Karen Boerger wrote about Help For Chronic Pain With Suicidal Thoughts.

Our hope is that through a collection of various articles, when people search the internet about “thinking about suicide” this web site will come up, and not only will one find hope for the moment, but also a Christ-based resource that will provide answers about where that real, enduring hope comes from.

Please make a note to yourself that this blog exists and if you, or someone you know, needs a resource to turn to through a difficult time, visit it for a pick-me-up. If you are seriously considering suicide, I urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) without delay.

Also, if there is something you are personally experiencing with hopelessness and would like me to consider addressing it in a future blog post over at Thinking About Suicide, please let me know.

My first article will appear on Wednesday, April 4, 2012. “Why Bother Living When I Am Facing a Serious Infection Without a Hand to Hold?”

If you are having a rough day, here are a few resources on our web site that discuss suicide– a tough but very real topic.

• When You Are Tempted to Speed Up The Trip to Heaven
• I Forgot: My Life is Not My Own, Christian Author Shares About Her Attempted Suicide
• Assisted Suicide Due to Pain of Illness and How it Fits With Our Belief in God

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.