Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

By Leslie Vernick

When someone hurts us, is foolish, or sins against us, the consequences of their behaviors often impact us more than the other person.

Anger, bitterness and resentment can be the result. Even when someone hasn’t intentionally inflicted harm, these negative emotions creep into our spirits and are hard to get rid of.

Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself stuck in resentment.

1. Ask yourself what purpose do these negative emotions serve?

Is it payback? Is it an attitude of I get to be right?

Or, is it that you haven’t been able or willing to forgive

Or, perhaps it is an indicator that you’re angry and need to have a conversation with someone who has sinned against you in order to bring healing to the relationship.

2. Recognize that you are not a helpless “victim” of your own emotional life.

The Apostle Paul says to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31:32 (NIV)

And Ecclesiastes 11:10 says, “Remove vexation from your heart.” (ESV)

It’s important we acknowledge we have an important part to play if we want to let go of negative feelings.

3. In order to let go of negative emotions you have to want to. If you’re struggling with the willingness, ask yourself these two (2) questions.

(a) What will it cost me to hold on to them?

(b) What will it cost my marriage (or relationship) if I hang on to them?

4. Here are two (2) specific steps you can take to begin to let go of resentment as well as other negative emotions.

Externalize your negative emotion: We often over identify with our emotions as if they are us. One way to break this habit is to pay attention to how we talk about our feelings.

For example, instead of saying “I am resentful”, say it this way, “I’m aware that I am feeling resentful.”

It’s important to realize that YOU are not your feelings. When you give yourself a bit of space by saying it this new way, you now can do something about your resentment. In other words you have your resentment instead of your resentment having you.

Once you’re aware you’re feeling those emotions and no longer want to, choose to practice the opposite virtue.

When the apostle Paul tells us to get rid of these negative feelings, he doesn’t stop there. He then tells us to be kind, compassionate and forgiving.

When we don’t want to feel our negative feelings, actually doing something opposite to them coupled with a genuine heart, helps get rid of them.

We remove a bad feeling when we replace it with another feeling. It’s impossible to feel two opposite feelings (such as anger and compassion, or complaining and gratitude) at the same time.

Practicing the opposite virtue helps you not allow your temporary emotional state to dictate how you live or how you will treat someone. Instead you choose to treat another person out of who you are (or want to become) rather than how you feel in any particular moment. This practice will help release the negative emotions you no longer want to feel and replace them with joy and peace.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

By Lisa Copen

We laugh as people say, “I think I may be a hypochondriac!” but is it really a funny matter? Not so much.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

I get up at 2:30 AM to google a symptom I am experiencing and I start imagining all the things it could be?

It is unlikely. In today’s age of having immediate information at our fingertips, it is much easier to just get out of bed and start searching than to wait until morning when the doctor’s office is open and then we must decide to call him or not. In the days of our parents raising their children, rather than looking for search engine results in the middle of the night, they sat at the kitchen table with the Dr. Spock book attempting to figure out the cause of certain symptoms and if they should be worried or not.

If you find yourself up all hours, night over night, obsessing with health and illness information, it may be a good idea to unplug the computer.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

Every time someone tells me about their symptoms of a certain disease, I begin to believe I must have that too.

Do you really believe you have that illness, in addition to your other ones, or are you just casually laughing about having more of the same symptoms. When we live with chronic illnesses there are hundreds of symptoms we experience that sound familiar to others and vice versa. Just because it “sounds” like you have another illness, doesn’t mean you do. And just because you may joke about it doesn’t mean you actually think you have five more illnesses. On the flip side, there are many secondary illnesses, such as fibromyalgia, sjorgren’s syndrome, or yeast overgrowth. If you occasionally believe you do have that illness, it may be worth checking into.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

Any little change in my illness convinces me I must have cancer. I can’t stop thinking that it’s not a matter of “if” but “when” I get the big “C.”

While it is true that hundreds of thousands of people do get cancer, a great majority of them survive it. Whether you have a family history of it or not, go see your doctor or specialist and talk about your risk factors. Some medications for autoimmune diseases can cause, or increase the risk of, cancer and this can play some major games with your psyche about it. Discuss the risks and what you can do to stay on top of it. Are there certain tests that you should be having done? How can you do your best to be in control of it and catch it early if you do have it? After that, though I know it’s hard, focus on turning those worries over to God. Each day is precious and worrying about things that do not yet exist truly are a waste of our time and the energy we do have.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

I switch from doctor to doctor, insisting they do more tests, because someone is missing something. I know I am ill!

Although those with hypochondria do make their way through many doctors, looking for proof of the invisible illness, just because you are insisting on quality medical care in coping with your chronic disease does not mean you are a hypochondria. We all must be our best health advocates, but this also means understanding that you will likely never find the “perfect doctor.” You need to decide what is most important to you in the doctor/patient relationship and be content in not finding your soul-mate-physician, but rather one that will treat your illness to the best of his or her ability, in the style you prefer.

So, What Is Hypochondria?

Hypochondria is a serious and legitimate disease. According to the Mayo Clinic offers a hypochondriac definition of symptoms you may experience if you suffer with this psychological condition:

• Having a long-term intense fear or anxiety about having a serious disease or health condition
• Worrying that minor symptoms or bodily sensations mean you have a serious illness
• Seeing doctors repeated times or having involved medical exams such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), echocardiograms, or exploratory surgery
• Frequently switching doctors — if one doctor tells you that you aren’t sick, you may not believe it and seek out other opinions
• Continuously talking about your symptoms or suspected diseases with family and friends
• Obsessively doing health research
• Frequently checking your body for problems, such as lumps or sores
• Frequently checking your vital signs, such as pulse or blood pressure
• Thinking you have a disease after reading or hearing about it

According to an article at WebMD, Internet Makes Hypochondria Worse: Cyberchondria. . .

The medical condition called hypochondriasis is defined as worry over an imagined illness with exaggeration of symptoms, no matter how insignificant, that lasts for at least six months and causes significant distress. It tends to develop in the 20s or 30s, and it affects men and women equally. It sometimes comes on following the illness of a friend or family member, and it can also occur as a secondary illness to depression or generalized anxiety disorder.

Those of us who live with a chronic medical condition, and daily chronic pain, can find it hard to remember what it was like to be unaware of your body and it’s movements, aches, and moods. As we share about an ache with a friend, it’s easy for our friend to snap back, “I swear! You are a hypochondriac! All you ever see or talk about it pain! You think you have everything!”

That can be emotionally painful, as we don’t think we have everything, we just think we have a lot!–and we do! People who are healthy hear our stories of our chronic disease, the infections due to a lowered immune system, side effects such an high blood pressure to cataracts, and the list goes on. In their mind a single person could not have all of these problems, so surely some of them must be in her head. Be we do have them. They are legitimate.

If you feel you are suffering from hypochondria, or that the fear of what you may experience with the possibility of an illness is taking over your life, talk your doctor about it. There are many ways to reduce the anxiety in your life, from getting involved with a church-body, increasing your circle of friends, seeing a counselor, to, at times, considering medication to decrease the anxiety in your life.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (KJV). Power, love, a sound mind–and no fear. That is how we were meant to live, so if you can’t do it on your own, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

When I first learned I had multiple sclerosis (MS) I was teaching second graders. The relapse I was having made me lethargic. Too weak to teach.

I knew I couldn’t tell my students I would be absent because I was too tired. The challenge was explaining my illness in a way they could understand without scaring them.

First, I involved them in a role-paying activity. Several students were selected to be parts of the central nervous system. They pretended they were ‘sending’ messages received from the eye, to the brain, then onto the legs or hands.

Next, they acted out the immune system. They understood the immune system attacks sickness in the body. I explained that my immune system is confused; it attacks good cells in my brain.

I told them my MS sometimes makes me feel very tired, like a wet noodle. “Do you know what I mean?”

One student responded, “You feel kinda floppy.” Exactly!

I had an important message to share. Sooner or later, every student would face difficult life situations. My illness could be an example of how to respond.

On the board I drew a line making two columns. In the first column I listed all my symptoms: pain, fatigue, bruises where I get my injections, etc.

In the second column I listed ‘The Truth.’ God is in control, has a perfect plan for my life, and will provide all I need: strength, peace, wisdom, helpers (Explaining that it’s like when children fall down at recess and other children come over to help. It’s like a love attack. That’s what it’s like with believers. God uses other Christians to help.)

I emphasized that focusing on the Truth, instead of thinking about my pain, helps me have joy and hope.

They asked, “Is it contagious? Can you die? Is there a cure? Why did God let this happen?”

Perhaps the most important message of all was that circumstances don’t change who Jesus is. I had them sing in a worshipful manner the familiar words: Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…

Prayer: Heavenly Father, Thank You that Your love never changes. Help me always see Your love during times of pain and sorrow. Grant Your perfect peace to loved ones, big and little, who are concerned about my disease.

About the Author:
Vicki Chandler understands special needs as a patient, parent, and professor. She has had multiple sclerosis since 1993. Her 31-year-old son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She’s taught special education as a teacher, administrator, and adjunct professor. Through her online community she reaches out to other parents of children with special needs. http://theblogfrog.com/1505794

You can now read this on your Kindle. Find out more at http://TodaysDevotionOnKindle.com

What has your child said about your illness? Rest Ministries founder is currently working on a book for Christian chronically ill moms. She’d love your examples, stories, struggles, etc. at http://momwithillness.com>

I understand it is not an easy decision to make. There are benefits to getting out and meeting new people, even when we don’t feel all that great. But that doesn’t mean we should sit around at the party and explain to people how hard it is to have some fun. Would we want to make the effort to have a night without worries and then hear ourselves talk on and on about our aches? Be honest. Not necessarily, right? Even I get tired of hearing about my own aches and pains sometimes!

Here is an example of what a conversation could sound like.

As the holiday parties start to happen for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, so does the dilemma of deciding if you are going to be honest with other people, or just let go and do your best to have a good time. There is no right or wrong answer and it’s different for each person and situation. But let’s look at it from the perspective that your intent is to have fun.

Do you want to go to this party?
Illness is not any fun, right? The whole idea of having a good time is to put on some shoes that do not include fleece inside of them and get out of the house for a couple of hours. If your intent is to have a good time, make a conscious decision to make choices that reflect this. You are not attending a counseling session, a support group meeting, or a place to have all your fears validated. Keep perspective and avoid having expectations of other people.

Faking it is not betraying yourself
Someone asks, “So, how are you doing? You look so nice tonight.”
How do you reply? “Pretty good, thanks so much!” or. . . “Well, I am obviously pulling it off, because I feel absolutely terrible, but I did my best to hide it.”

Too many people with chronic illness feel a huge quandary that if they do not explain all about how badly they feel they are two-faced. Just because you get to the party and look decent does not mean that you are in not pain. You may actually experience pain twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I personally know that choosing to have fun when you are hurting is a choice, and not an easy one! By choosing to not discuss this with everyone at the party, however, does not mean you are not lying, betraying, deceiving, or being invalidated. You are putting the pain aside as much as possible and having conversation with people.

Are you looking for a thrill or a therapist?
When we have a chronic illness it can be a natural tendency to want to talk to someone about what we are experiencing. But your friend’s holiday party it not the place to do it. Everyone there has their own challenges in life too, yet they are attending to have a light-hearted night, not hear about your aches and pains. It is not that they don’t care–they just don’t know you! And if they did know you and care, a real conversation, one-on-one, in a quieter place would be much more ideal than trying to tell your story over the loud music.

Don’t explain yourself
You may need a chair to sit down in. You may avoid food filled with gluten. You may not be able to drink alcohol. The medications before you came may be making you drowsy. You may only be able to stay an hour so you can function tomorrow. That is all okay. So, just do it! Find a chair, grab a non-alcoholic drink, excuse yourself by 10 PM. You don’t have to explain why you do what you do. If you are afraid of offending your host, explain a few days before the party that you may slip out early since you are trying to pace yourself, but don’t worry about what others think. Honestly, most of them won’t even notice.

If you open that can of worms. . .
So you did it, you mentioned your illness. Maybe it just slipped out or perhaps you were trying to explain to someone why you aren’t training for the Ironman triathlon like everyone else seems to be. Before you know it someone is telling you she sells this special water that would make all your pain go away, or that his mother’s neighbor’s daughter tried this special extract and now she has been able to stop taking all of her medication. It’s painful to listen to. It hurts. It makes you want to throw a drink at someone and run screaming from the room. But you opened up this can of worms by revealing you have an illness. Be polite and walk away as soon as possible. Go hide in the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. There is little you can do to change someone’s opinion so don’t waste your energy.

Be real friends with . . . real friends
“But all of this is so fake!” you may say. “I feel like such a fraud! I can barely walk through the room without limping, my back is killing me, I don’t even know why I came if know one here knows the real me!” That’s understandable. The “real you” likely is someone who deals with a great deal of chronic pain, doctors appointments, and side effects of medications. It is a juggling act to keep up with friends, career, family, an illness, and still have a social life. No one there knows about the rash that is under your clothes or that you can’t eat most of the food presented. That is okay. Real friends know the real you. This is an outing where you can get to know people and see if there is anyone you “click” with who you may like to become better friends with in the future.

What now?
Illness is a very intimate thing. To those of us who live with it, it can be the underlying foundation of our choices, attitude, and moment-by-moment moods. As much as we try to not have it define us, the disease fights to control us. For those who do not live with illness, however, it is a very personal topic. It is a problem to be solved–and maybe solved within a few minutes if they give you the right advice. They do not see illness as a lifestyle or as a filter for your priorities, but rather as a weakness, a surrendering you are making to something that has power over you.

Parties are meant to be casual, fun, and light-hearted. They are meant to be places you discuss the weather, sports, current events, and the Kardashians–even if it’s about how you refuse to talk about the Kardashians any longer. They are not a place where chronic illnesses can be discussed in a way that will make you feel better. People do not come to parties to be informed about health issues. If you bring it up, you likely will only be frustrated, not validated, nor shown the understanding or compassion you crave.

So, do you want to just skip the party? You may! These kind of get togethers can be seen as superficial gatherings where no one talks about anything important. If you feel that way, you may find more comfort in just staying home and inviting a friend over to watch a DVD. But if you decide to go, remember to do your best to put aside your personal needs and just choose to mingle and get to know other people. Who knows what they may be going through that they aren’t sharing! And if you can smile and have a conversation with people, you may find out who you have something in common with and form that real friendship in time.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

I give him a hug. It’s been nearly 3 years since I’ve seen this man, my cousin, who is like a brother to me. He used to give me rides on his motorcycle, back when we were young and carefree. Nothing in the world could hurt us.

We were in our twenties. Long conversations. Time. Before spouses, kids, illness.

We were poor. Philosophical conversations were cheap. . . yet rich.

Now I stop by his family’s new clothing store while I am in Oregon.

I’ve not even arrived, and I am disappointed.

I have few expectations.

His life is busy now. He’s distracted. He is rushed. Always stressed.

No time for talk.

Oh, how I’d like to just go for a walk. Ask, “How are you really?” and have you answer honestly.

Regardless of your circumstances, you now just say, “I’m fine.” You aren’t fine. I know you too well for that. But confiding in me would reveal too much.

It’s no one’s fault. It just is. It won’t always be this way.

. . . Right?

It’s a season. I just don’t like seasons that have eggshells to step around. We never had an eggshell relationship.

Once I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 24, he seemed to not really know how to talk to me. He looked at my blog once. He said, “Nothing I say is going to be right, so I can’t win. Why bother trying?”

It’s true. I don’t always know what I want to hear.

More often than listening though–I just want to speak.

When you have the rare someone who loves you unconditionally, well, you want to be able to share without conditions.

He doesn’t know how to respond to my illness, so it’s usually ignored. That should make me feel good–he treats me “normal.” But he’s one of the few people I can be the real me with–the un-normal one.

Small talk while children run through clothing racks.

My son resembles his son. His son resembles him at 13 years old. His son is the age he was when he became one of my best friends.

Were we ever that young?

He offers me a tortilla chip. A chair behind the desk.

“No thanks.” I don’t want to be wimpy. I don’t want to sit and miss out on the little bit of conversation there is.

The visit is over. It’s time to go. He gives me a hug.

Pictures snapped record our time together. But it wasn’t time. . . just a missed opportunity.

And this is weird, but there is an odd sense of frustration that my scars didn’t even get a chance to show themselves.

Why? Because they have changed me.

I want to show my hand scar and say, “Here are my new silicone fingers.” I want to point to my ankle scars and say, “Here are the scars from the flesh eating bacteria. So much has changed since I saw you last.”

I want him to know I am lucky (or blessed?) to still be here. He could have been standing at my funeral.

Am I selfish to need to be needed. . . just a little bit?

If he doesn’t see my physical scars, how can he understand how those scars impacted my soul?

He’s the kind of man I could call at 2 AM and he’d make sure I was okay. He’s said, “Call any time. . .” and I know he would answer the phone.

But I don’t have 2 AM crises-call-him-right-now kind of moments. I just want to reconnect.

I miss him. My brother. My friend.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: A right time to embrace and another to part.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,5b, NIV, The Message)

I look forward to the season when we can talk again.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

Founder Lisa Copen shares how to get involved in this video. If you are unable to view the video in an email or RSS feed see it here: About 2011 Invisible Illness Awareness Week.

After much thought and prayer, Lisa has decided to not have a virtual conference this year. “To be honest, the conference takes a lot of time, my energy and money. It is an exhausting 3 months of preparation, follow through, and recovery for me,” Lisa shares. “At this time, I’d love to focus more on better meeting the needs of those here at Rest Ministries, such as the Summer Study, finishing up some Bible studies, and spending some time with my family.”

Lisa’s son is 8 years old and likely won’t be that interested in hanging out with his mom all summer for many more years. Invisible Illness Week, September 12-18th also falls between her husband’s birthday (9/11) and her own (9/19). “Over the years it’s become a time of sacrifice of my whole family, including my mom who flies down from Oregon to help me with my son and more,” says Lisa. “Right now, I am trying to focus on improving my own health, cutting back the prednisone, losing weight to decrease other health issues, and getting my rheumatoid arthritis under control.”

Lisa began seeing a new rheumatologist in March 2011, after experiencing the most painful 3 months January – March of this year, out of her 18 years with rheumatoid arthritis. “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it got much worse,” says Lisa. “It’s not about puffy cheeks anymore, it’s about being here for my son in ten years.”

But we are still having Invisible Illness Week! There will be tons of articles and guest bloggers, loads of great informative posts and tweets to share with friends, and ways to help the world understand that invisible illness is a very serious and isolating experience. The Invisible Illness Week web site will also highlight programs from the conferences for the past couple of years.

Watch the Rest Ministries sister site at http://invisibleillnessweek.com in coming weeks for updates and also sign up to get the updates so you are on top of all the happenings!

Hi, Sandy, I can hear the pain in your words. I am going to assume since you wrote to me you are asking for some kind of advice, so here is my best 2-cents.

Ask yourself, “What would the perfect response to my post be?” When we say we want people to “listen” and yet we are typing our posts out online, there are 4 ways people can respond. It’s different than having a friend who is sitting there beside us holding the tissue box.

[1] They just read it, send up a prayer, and since you don’t want advice, they choose not to post anything. This can seem like no one is reading your post, or if they are, no one cares enough to comment and encourage you.

[2] They write something simple like, “I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will pray for you.” This can be interpreted, if one chooses, as being “blown off” and not being given enough of one’s effort or time to write a personal response. Since these are people who live in just as much pain as you do, I am sure you can understand how limited energy and physical time spent on a computer can be. They often feel it’s best to respond with something, then with nothing at all, even if it’s brief.

[3] Someone may respond with, “I understand what you are going through. Here is how our stories are unique . . .” and then they share their story. This can be interpreted as it being “all about them” and not you or your situation. But they are often trying to find a common thread and share how they made it through a tough time, in hopes that it will encourage you.

[4] They give advice. They want to help. They don’t really like options 1-3 above, so they’ve chosen to try to help you through this. This can be interpreted as them having it more together than you, or as if they are trying to fix it for you with a “quick fix.” They usually have the best of intentions.

As you can see from the 4 options above, all can come with the best of intentions, and yet they can all be misinterpreted as something else if we choose to see it that way.

Or, “I’m sometimes sensitive to people giving me advice, yet I am desperate enough that I am looking for suggestions on how you think I should handle this situation.”

Support groups are kind of like our families. No one is perfect, everyone is hurting. Even those we love the most will not always respond the way we’d like. I am sure I don’t always respond the way some people would like. But I do the best I can. That is all I can do.

Most of us are looking for a place where our needs can be met, rather than looking around to see who has a need where we may be able to help. I know that is can be exhausting to reach out to others when you are not feeling well, but I began Rest Ministries in 1997 and have reached out to others nearly every day since, even when my pain level was at its worst. I try to live by Proverbs 11:25 “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I can assure you that this really happens!

Next time you feel a bit frustrated over the lack of a response, reach out to another person just because. Do it for the Lord. You may not even get a response. It may surprise you that some of the newsletters Rest Ministries sends out are opened by just 25% of our subscribers. Hundreds of devotionals have ZERO comments. But eventually we hear from many, many people, that even when they were silent, God was encouraging them through Rest Ministries. I hope this encourages you!

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and lives with rheumatoid arthritis. To increse communication between churches and individuals, see her new “Beyond Casseroles” DVD.

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I have a friend who I’ve known for years. We used to go out partying before my diagnosis, but now I’ve really become grounded in my faith, because God is the only thing that has gotten me through. She keeps saying she “knows the real me” and I cannot possibly be satisfied with this life I have now. Whenever I share something I’ve learned while living with illness or about anything good in my life, she has something negative to say about how much I am missing out on in life because of my illness. I care about her, but I just don’t know if I can continue to be around her right now if she keeps this up. – Kelly

Hi, Kelly,
Do you know someone who is the same now as they were 30 or even 40 years ago? They love to complain and stir up trouble for everyone else. What they don’t realize. . . or maybe care about is the fact that most people change over the course of a lifetime.

It’s unfortunate because most of us try to improve our lives as we get older. We try to forgive and forget and move on with our lives but there’s always going to be that one who is so unhappy with their life that they can’t stand to see anyone else doing better than them or enjoying their life.

For instance, I drank until I was 34 and I am happy those days are over with. It has been almost 13 years since I’ve let anything or anyone control me but there are others who are still trapped in drugs and alcohol that want to drag you down to their level.

They want you to be as unhappy as they are and you know what? It’s not gonna happen. You see, I’m not proud of the way I behaved when I drank but there are others that were instigators and troublemakers who caused all kinds of problems and they still have that mindset even today. It’s very sad because they live in the past and they want you to stay there. . . buried in misery just like they are and that’s all they can think about.

If you have one of these people in your life–someone you don’t ever think about unless they come knocking (beating) at your front door threatening you and whining that you’ll never change–then just do what I do: give it to God.

There are always going to be those who will try to drag you down and make you feel bad because of something you said or did 20 years ago. Let them know you aren’t the same person since Jesus took control of your life. Don’t let them shake you because you are grounded in Jesus Christ.

When they say they know the real you tell them. . . “No, you are so stuck in the past that you can’t see the change all around you” and that “No, I choose not to whine and cry and live in the past as you seem to have chosen to do.”

You are a new creation in Christ and if you had a past you aren’t proud of then give it to God. No matter what your past is, give it to God and learn to love yourself again. Once you’ve changed as I did so many years ago, don’t let anyone convince you that you are less than a beautiful and wonderful being created by the creator of the universe Himself. . . God Almighty.

Thank you Jesus for taking care of those who want to suppress us and threaten us and keep us wallowing in guilt and despair. Help those who still live this way and help us to keep our eyes planted squarely on you and your wonderful name.

God Bless, Dave

David Brown has been writing poetry and short stories for his own enjoyment for more than 40 years. Recently, he decided he had some things he would like to say to the rest of the world and has been writing non-stop ever since ~ thus the culmination of his three-book series Love Notes From Above. A husband, father and born-again, spirit-filled Christian he offers scripture-based advice and insight on some of life’s toughest topics based on his unique perspective gained through experience on this journey called life.