Dooch - AKA "Hope Boy"

By Debbi Farmer

Eventually, we will all feel blue. We will have days, even weeks when we are sad. Many can rebound from these emotions–but many cannot.

We face tragedies and struggles that can turn our world completely upside down. And sadly there are times also when physical changes in our body can cause clinical depression even when life appears to the world to be running smoothly. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you.

Depression is a common but serious illness.

Many people with a depressive illness never even seek treatment. Helping someone with depression can be a challenge.

If someone in your life has depression, they may feel helpless and you may wonder what to do. You can help the person you care about recognize the symptoms of depression and get treatment that will help them.

People with depression may not recognize or even acknowledge that they are depressed. They may not even be aware of the signs and symptoms of depression, or they may feel too hopeless to address the issue. People with depression may think that how they feel is normal and not the result of a mental health condition. All too often, people feel ashamed about their depression and mistakenly believe they should be able to overcome it with willpower alone. But depression seldom gets better without treatment and may indeed get worse.

If you are in this same boat, believe me when I say the boat is full as many more are suffering today also.

Debbi Farmer, a part-time writer in North Carolina, lives a song-filled life now with her family thanks to the Lord’s wonderful and sufficient grace after suffering from severe clinical depression herself. Today she suffers from several illnesses including Fibromyalgia, but the Lord is good and has helped her face the trials of life and even waddle through them. She wishes she could give you all a cheerful hug today and share with you a song of hope.

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Tomorrow . . . we will be featuring an article about a rapper.

You heard it right! A rapper! Dominic Cook (also known as “Dooch”) has quite a story to tell and Debbi recently interviewed him about his testimony. He understands depression. He knows loss–deep, soul-wrenching, questioning God kind of loss.

His web site tells the details of his story:

From 12-17 his life revolved around the streets, he wanted to really live the stuff he rapped about and he did. Gang fights, felony arrests, robberies, him being stabbed 3 times and becoming a statistic by ending up on the notorious Rikers Island at age 18.

And that is why I ask you to open your heart. We do a lot of profiles here at Rest Ministries on women who have ministries out of their home, the clean-cut, those who sing what we define as traditional worship music. But pain is pain. And “Dooch” believes in the same God we do. And as I read through the interview by Debbi, a few people immediately came to mind who could use this man’s faith to strengthen their own. He speaks their “language.” They would read his story and see where he now puts his faith.

I hope you will look forward to it!

By Leslie Vernick

Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when you want to (or should) say “no”? For example, several years back, a graduate student asked me if I thought she would make a good counselor. I knew her gifts weren’t strongest in that area, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She left our conversation believing I thought she was capable.

We all do it. We say “yes” when our honest response should be “no.” But let’s take a look at the cost of being too nice.

We Hurt People

It amazes me how unaware we are of how we injure people by being too nice. Isn’t that why we’re nice to begin with? We don’t want to hurt people? When I wasn’t completely honest with my intern, I unintentionally hurt her. She spent time, energy, and money pursuing a career that didn’t reflect her true calling.

In another example, Lydia worked hard to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mother. But the more she gave, the more her husband and children took, with little concern or even awareness of Lydia’s needs.

Lydia became exhausted caring for everyone with no one giving back to her. Over time, Lydia’s niceness enabled her family to become more and more self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish. Lydia didn’t mean to, but she weakened her husband and children by not inviting them into a more reciprocal relationship.

Here’s another way we wound people by being too nice. Debbie was a new believer who attended Nancy’s Bible study at church. Debbie began phoning Nancy at home, asking a question or wanting to talk something through.

Debbie always took Nancy’s calls, but soon grew weary. She didn’t want to discourage her new friend, but found her neediness overwhelming. Instead of being more honest with Debbie and setting a better schedule for phone calls, Nancy started using her caller ID to screen her calls. Eventually Debbie caught on and felt hurt and abandoned. Nancy’s niceness gave Debbie the impression that she was always available any time night or day.

When we are too nice and fail to set appropriate boundaries, we may not mean to, but we hurt people. The only person who can be always available without getting crabby or tired is God. Don’t try to do his job. You will fail every time and the other person will get hurt.

We Hurt Ourselves

There is nothing unbiblical about being wise with who you give yourself to. While in college, Sharon took a walk with a young man she wasn’t attracted to, nor was she very comfortable with. She said yes because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying “no thanks”. During their walk, he sexually assaulted her. Every day she deeply regrets that she was too nice.

It doesn’t have to be a dangerous or suspicious situation for us to learn to simply say “no thank you, I can’t,” or “I don’t want to.” We all have limited resources of time, energy, and money. When we allow others to take from our resources without limits, it’s like giving them unrestricted access to our checking account and then feeling angry when we’re constantly overdrawn.

If giving to someone hurts you, count the cost. Sometimes it’s appropriate to sacrifice yourself for another, and other times it’s foolish. Jesus tells a story about five women who refused to share their lamp oil with five others who did not bring enough for themselves. Instead of rebuking these women for being stingy, Jesus called them wise (Mathew 25:1-13).

We Miss God’s Best

Each day there are endless things and people that clamor for our attention. Oswald Chambers reminds us that “the great enemy of the life of faith is the good that is not good enough.” Don’t allow other people to set your values, your schedule, or your priorities.

Many people asked Jesus to do things for them, but Jesus always looked for what God wanted first–even if it meant disappointing people. (See Mark 1:29-38 or John 11:1-6.) When we are too nice and passively accommodate others, we could very well miss God’s best.

How Do I Make Good Choices About This?

Finally, here are some steps to help you stop being too nice:

1. Understand that nice isn’t one of the fruits of the Spirit. Being kind doesn’t mean you always say “yes.” It means that you learn to say “no” kindly.

2. Before you say “yes,” stop and say, “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you.” This will give you time to think through whether you’re being too nice or if you really feel led to do it.

3. Let go of guilt. You can’t be all things to all people nor do everything people want. Jesus was perfect, and he still disappointed people.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose. Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

Note from Lisa:

When we live with illness we can easily feel guilty about all that we cannot do, perhaps how our family misses out on things because of our disease. To compensate, it is easy to give in to everything they want that we are “somewhat” capable of. I say somewhat because just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

For example, I have been trying to encourage my family members to pick up after themselves better, so that I don’t have to do so much of this, so I have leftover energy to do fun things with them or make healthy (not last minute) dinners.

I know it is easier to talk about then it is to put into place. How could you “stop being nice” to help improve not only your life, but the life of those around you?

Excerpt from Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Please do not reprint without permission

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

1. Ask, “What events in your life are changing and how are you coping with the changes?”
2. Understand that she lives in a constant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee that she is making the right choice.
3. Put meals in disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
4. Add stickers to envelopes for a cheerful touch.
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
6. Don’t make a person into a project.
7. Ask, “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that her
   experience can offer someone else hope and that God still has a purpose for her life.
8. Wash his car and put a little note inside for him to find later.
9. Remember important anniversaries, both the good and the bad. No one else will.
10. Ask, “Do you want company the day that you wait for the test results? I could come over for a couple of hours.”
11. “No matter how little you have, you can always give some of it away.” ~Catherine Marshall
12. Just listen . . . until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more.
13. Ask her, “How do you feel God is working through-or despite-this illness in your life? I’m interested.”
14. Ask, “What do you wish people understood about your illness?”
15. Don’t make her feel guilty about things that she cannot do.
16. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
17. Ask, “Would you be comfortable with having your name on a prayer list, so that others can pray for you?” Don’t assume.
18. Instead of saying, “I will pray for you,” say, “I’d like to pray for you right now, if that’s okay.”
19. Mop the floors.
20. Ask if she would be interested in writing something for the church newsletter, maybe even about the subject of living with chronic illness.
21. Buy a brightly colored umbrella as a gift.
22. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
23. Ask her to do spontaneous things, like go to a concert in the park, or just for a picnic. She may be more likely to participate since she knows if it’s a good day or a bad day.
24. Don’t say, “So, why aren’t you healed yet?” or “I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren’t learning!”
25. For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says “For when you don’t feel like doing dishes.”
26. Get her a pretty box to keep all of her notes of encouragement. Remind her to get it out and read things when she is feeling down.
27. Be her advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of her disability, ask her if she’d like you to take care of it. If she says you can, be firm but not rude.
    Don’t embarrass her by making accusations of discrimination or by making a scene.
28. Ask, “Would you be interested in a prayer partner from our church?”
29. Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.
30. Say, “While you’re in the hospital I’d be happy to take care of your pet.”
31. Don’t tell her about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).
32. Find out which charity is most important to her and then give a donation in her honor.
33. Ask, “What are your top three indulgences?” and then spoil her soon.
34. Hold the door open for her. They are heavy!
35. Don’t tease her and call her “hop along” or “slowpoke.” Comments you mean in fun can cut to the quick and destroy her spirit. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”
36. Say, “I know you must need someone to just vent to occasionally. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I’m here to listen anytime.”
37. Ask your church youth group to come over and clean up the yard during seasonal changes.
38. Don’t ask her, “How are you able to make it financially?” If she wants to share a burden she will.
39. Ask, “What would you advise me to look for in a new doctor?”
40. If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow her to tell you where she wants to park. If she’s feeling particularly good that day, she may not want to park in the “blue space.” Don’t be disappointed that you’ll have to walk farther.
41. Don’t gossip about others. She’ll wonder what you say about her. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Be kind, gentle, and respectful.
42. Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she’s accepting it, don’t tell her the illness is winning and she’s giving in to it.
43. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry.” Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission. Try the coupon in back!
44. Ask her to share her testimony at an event.
45. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
46. Plant a rosebush to view from a window.
47. Understand that you don’t need to know all of the details about the illness in order to be helpful.,He’ll share with you what he’s comfortable with you knowing.
48. Don’t ask, “Why can’t the doctors help you?” or insinuate that it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with illnesses that do not have cures.
49. Avoid having gifts be “pity gifts.” Just say, “I saw these flowers and their cheerfulness reminded me of you.”
50. Send CDs of church services your friend misses to her with a copy of the bulletin and a note.
51. If she doesn’t have a cordless phone, get her one. Phone headsets are also nice.
52. Send an encouragement card or a funny card, but resist the temptation to send one that says, “Get Well Soon.”

Beyond Casseroles is a popular little book to help people understand the needs of the chronically ill–and then get into action. They are $6 each or 3 for $15; we recommend getting one for yourself, one for a fiend, and one for an influencer (like a counselor, pastor, women’s ministry leader, doctor, etc.)

By Cecil Murphey

“I’ve learned that building walls isn’t the same as setting boundaries.”

I heard those words last month from a woman in my seminar audience.

I’ve thought about that statement almost every day. Both walls and boundaries are important. I need to be aware of their difference and appreciate their value.

Have you built walls to protect yourself from more emotional pain?

I’m learning to build walls to protect myself from people who demand my time and constantly ask me to do things for them. Walls provide safety. I need to close myself off from some individuals. Once they get inside the walls, it’s difficult to push them out.

Walls remind me of the old story of the Arab and his camel during a sandstorm. The camel asked to put only his nose into the tent. The Arab agreed and then the whole head and the feet. Slowly the camel intruded so the Arab finally slept outside and the camel had the tent. The walls of the tent were there but they did little good for the Arab.

I want my walls to remain sturdy to keep others outside. I want to shut myself away from certain individuals and the erected barriers to give me the privacy I seek.

What is the difference between a wall and a boundary?

By contrast, boundaries represent the places where I give permission to cross onto my property—that is, I offer them my interest, time, and energy.

I say, “Come into my life,” and I point to an invisible line. “You may have this much from me as you like but I won’t allow you to cross my line of personal space.”

Are there drawbacks to having walls?

Walls keep me safe, but they can also keep me isolated. Sometimes I hide from people with whom I need to interact, but haven’t erected walls for others. I need wisdom—daily wisdom—to know those to shut out and those to invite into my life.

Building boundaries can be a challenge

Establishing boundaries is difficult for me, but I’m learning. Often many times a day, I have to decide what’s important to me, how much I choose to give or to share, and how far I’ll allow someone to come into my space.

Cecil Murphey is a best-selling author of numerous books including 90 Minutes in Heaven. His newest book, is Making Sense When Life Doesn’t (Understanding the Books of the Bible) Used with permission, copyright Cecil Murphy, 2012.

So we turn to our church for guidance, for acceptance, for unconditional support during the most difficult time in our life.

But churches are made up of people—all of us imperfect. And our church does not always give us what we need; in fact, sometimes, the people say things that hurt us even more.

“Everything will work out fine. Just keep praying.”
“If you just came to Bible study I am sure getting your mind off the pain would make it all go away.”
“You need to keep praying for healing. Remember that verse when Jesus asked the disabled man if he wanted to get well?”

We asked our readers, What would you like your pastor to know about living with a chronic illness and your need to serve others, or be ministered to, within the body?

Here are some of your heart-felt replies.

Please feel free to add your own comments below about what you would like your pastor to know. Remember, this is not a forum to vent about everything your church did wrong, but rather, honestly and kindly tell us what you would like your pastor to know about illness, your life, etc. so that he and the church body can better minister to those with chronic illness.

• I know I am young and you may not believe I am feeling well enough for leadership, but the Lord has worked in my life in so many ways through my illness and I am bursting to be a part of an “illness ministry” to encourage others. Please make some time to sit down and let me share my new calling with you. —Renee
• It is very difficult for me to get to church due to the fact that the services are about three hours long and I have problems sitting for long periods of time. When I come, I have to choose between worship or the sermon. No one ever calls or checks to see why I am not there and I used to be one of their Sunday school teachers. I think they have a problem with the fact that I am one of those that have not been healed. —Doris
• Every time we have gone to church and we have gone for prayer and I have sought out help, people keep telling me one of two things: “Patty, by His Stripes, You are healed. . . You must have faith; if you have faith then you will be healed,” or “You must not be praying hard enough.” I can’t tell you how much that hurts, and how I keep feeling like a failure when I am told that. —Patty
• Some of us simply want to rest confidently in the Lord and rely on Him for provision during long periods of ill health. I want rest, calm and privacy—not to be cut off from kindly connection with people—but not to have knocks on my door at all hours of the day and night, either! —Caron
• There needs to be a ministry devoted entirely to helping others: meals to the woman who just had a baby or rides to doctor appointments. Please help me out by seeing past the “you look fine, so you must feel fine” mentality. —Bridget
• Those who live with chronic illness need understanding first, love second, and challenge third. There are times when an ill person can’t function, and the church and its leaders need to be understanding, prayerful and available—for solving practical needs as well as spiritual counsel. —Kay
• Find out limitations, hindrances to participation. Ask, “What barriers, hindrances are there that prevent you from coming to church, worshipping with us, participating fully?” or “What can we do to help you to be able to participate more fully in church life?”
• Be supportive, take me seriously, not down-playing my illness and yet not drawing too much attention to it either. Suggest helpful tapes, books and articles that help me keep my eyes focused on God.
• I’d like people in the church to ask how they can help me in practical ways and offer some suggestions of what they could do, such as: rides to doctors, doing shopping, baking or housecleaning.
• Invite me to activities even if I probably can’t attend and when inviting, give as much details re the proceedings, program, length, environment, etc as you can. Don’t be hurt if I can’t come.
  —Marguerite
• Even though I went through physical therapy and rehabilita-tion, I was unable to continue working. This was very devastating. In the months following the accident, I learned to rely on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for comfort.
• My husband was also disabled and this caused a greater stress. I was most grieved because my church family didn’t visit and the telephone calls were few. Don’t just tell people you’re praying for them. Come pray with them. Don’t ask if there’s anything you can do, come prepared to do!
• Don’t ask if there is a financial need; think of the expenses you have in your household and, if they don’t have an income, there has to be a need. Don’t think that because they aren’t complaining they aren’t hurting. Don’t tell them to “give their problems to God.” Take that person and their problems in your hands and hold them up before God. —Wanda
• Please don’t discuss details of my illness with others without my expressed permission. When someone asks how I’m doing, they don’t need to know that I now have a catheter. Ask me, “When others ask, what shall I tell them?” I will be happy to tell you how much information to share. —Rev. Koiv
• My pastor feels very uncomfortable with people who cannot work hard and “Go! Go! Go!” for the Lord. His sermons are filled with “You must do this and you must do that!” I leave the service beaten up in spirit because my body is unable to “Go! Go! Go!” I fight depression because of the chronic pain and lack of sleep so I’m not “Happy! Happy! Happy!” all of the time. He feels that if you don’t “whistle while you work” then you better get on your knees before God! (Like I could get down on my knees and then get up again?) —Judy
• My church seems to operate under the misconception that a person who is disabled by a chronic illness, as I am, doesn’t need to serve the church. They are content with my just showing up for worship when I am able.
• I feel a compelling need to serve my Lord and my church. But I am no longer physically able to fill any of their traditional roles offered as service opportunities. When suggesting possible alternatives, I am met by rejection where it might cause someone else more work, or they just can’t see out of ‘the box’, or simply patted on the head and told to rest and not worry. This makes me feel useless, helpless, and a “lesser” person in the church – a burden.
• My disability makes it extremely difficult for me to counteract these obstacles – I need my pastor or another leader to champion my cause for me. I need him to teach/motivate others in the church to extend a hand so that I might participate as fully as God allows. —Jean
• As my pain grew worse over time, I realized that I could not do all the ministry that I wanted to do and had been doing; I am the pastor’s wife and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was difficult for me to admit to our congregation that it was physically necessary for me to relieve myself of certain duties since I appeared fine. I periodically missed church, but I tried to go no matter how I felt.
• As time went on, I decided to give up areas of ministry: I quit teaching; I quit singing in the choir; I quit being the secretary. I stood up in a service and, by way of testimony, explained my situation. The people were very supportive and did not look down on me because I was withdrew myself from ministry. Our church was encouraged to get behind me and hold me up. My (pastor) husband made sure that he provided updates on my progress. It was important to me that he validated my illness and supported my decisions.
• It is difficult when someone steps down from ministry in order to attend to the physical needs of their bodies. But God has told us that this is his Temple and we are to take care of it. God sent new families to our church during my time of hiatus from ministry. My husband was very influential in plugging them into the vacant ministries. Because he supported me and my decision to remove myself, others were given the opportunity to serve the Lord and I have been able to focus on my relationship with the Lord more through this time. —Pamela

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

 To submit your own link, put the code to our “Link Party button” (opens in a new window) on your own site. Then click the little blue button below that says “add your link” to submit your link!

By Leslie Vernick

When someone hurts us, is foolish, or sins against us, the consequences of their behaviors often impact us more than the other person.

Anger, bitterness and resentment can be the result. Even when someone hasn’t intentionally inflicted harm, these negative emotions creep into our spirits and are hard to get rid of.

Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself stuck in resentment.

1. Ask yourself what purpose do these negative emotions serve?

Is it payback? Is it an attitude of I get to be right?

Or, is it that you haven’t been able or willing to forgive

Or, perhaps it is an indicator that you’re angry and need to have a conversation with someone who has sinned against you in order to bring healing to the relationship.

2. Recognize that you are not a helpless “victim” of your own emotional life.

The Apostle Paul says to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31:32 (NIV)

And Ecclesiastes 11:10 says, “Remove vexation from your heart.” (ESV)

It’s important we acknowledge we have an important part to play if we want to let go of negative feelings.

3. In order to let go of negative emotions you have to want to. If you’re struggling with the willingness, ask yourself these two (2) questions.

(a) What will it cost me to hold on to them?

(b) What will it cost my marriage (or relationship) if I hang on to them?

4. Here are two (2) specific steps you can take to begin to let go of resentment as well as other negative emotions.

Externalize your negative emotion: We often over identify with our emotions as if they are us. One way to break this habit is to pay attention to how we talk about our feelings.

For example, instead of saying “I am resentful”, say it this way, “I’m aware that I am feeling resentful.”

It’s important to realize that YOU are not your feelings. When you give yourself a bit of space by saying it this new way, you now can do something about your resentment. In other words you have your resentment instead of your resentment having you.

Once you’re aware you’re feeling those emotions and no longer want to, choose to practice the opposite virtue.

When the apostle Paul tells us to get rid of these negative feelings, he doesn’t stop there. He then tells us to be kind, compassionate and forgiving.

When we don’t want to feel our negative feelings, actually doing something opposite to them coupled with a genuine heart, helps get rid of them.

We remove a bad feeling when we replace it with another feeling. It’s impossible to feel two opposite feelings (such as anger and compassion, or complaining and gratitude) at the same time.

Practicing the opposite virtue helps you not allow your temporary emotional state to dictate how you live or how you will treat someone. Instead you choose to treat another person out of who you are (or want to become) rather than how you feel in any particular moment. This practice will help release the negative emotions you no longer want to feel and replace them with joy and peace.

Leslie Vernick is a licensed counselor with over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. “Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy”. It’s received over 75 reviews and has 5 stars! This book will help you recognize and change habits that, day by day, keep you from experiencing happiness; make good choices and learn from mistakes without beating yourself up; develop the skills that will enable you to let go of negative and painful emotions quicker; and transform difficult circumstances so you can live with gratitude, joy, and purpose.

Visit Leslie’s web site to submit a question for her to answer!

Reprinted with permission, Copyright LeslieVernick.com

My son, 9, doesn’t like compliments. He says, “yeah, yeah, whatever,” and yet he still needs to know I do notice them. Lately, his attitude and actions have left my husband and I throwing up our arms in desperation wondering what to try next to get through to this growing strong-willed blessing.

Here is one thing I am trying: positive reinforcement! I bought a little 4×6 frame at the thrift store and painted it aqua blue to match our coastal cottage bathroom. Then I found a clipart-style beach background and some sunglasses clipart that I added to the right bottom corner.

I put the words, “YOU ARE A COOL KID” on it in a fun font at the top and printed it out and framed it with the glass.

Did know dry erase markers write easily on glass and wipe off with a tissue? How did I not know that? you can buy them at Walmart, an office supply store, etc for a few dollars.

So each night after my son goes to bed I think of something he did that day that was awesome. Was he extra patient with a friend who needed it? Did he help me with a task that was difficult for me? Did he show good character in a choice he made?

Some days I can think of a few great things he did but I need to just narrow it down to one, remembering boys need fewer words!

And be honest . . . Some days I have to think a few minutes for just one thing (Every mom has days like that, right?)

The irony is I did this for him but it is helping me! Because, when he fights his way from the tub to the bed to go to sleep and I am utterly wiped out physically and emotionally, it forces me to think of all the great things he did do that day. . . And how much I love him. And that he is a good kid, with a good heart, he is just asserting his independence in a lot of ways!

I originally saw this idea on Pinterest.com but the frames said, “I LOVE YOU BECAUSE…” I love my son unconditionally and to say “I love you because… You took out the garbage” or “you helped me bring in the groceries” seems a bit silly. I love him, not for what he does, but because he is my son.

So. . . Think of the possibilities! Get your own little frame and write a new scripture on it each week. Write a note from God –to you–on it, to sit on your nightstand and see first thing when you wake up. Or make up and 8.5 x 11″ frame and put it on a wall you can easily reach and write quotes or scriptures that encourage you, changing them when you need something new to reflect on! And here is your chance to be bold. Get a thrift store frame and paint it bright red, or pale pink, or whatever color you love but are afraid to use in your decorating.

Below is the print I made for my son’s frame. You are welcome to download it and print it out if you want. I have made 2: one for a child, and one with just the beach background.

Beach with “cool kid” words
Beach only

PS: On pinterest? You can follow me at http://pinterest.com/lisacopen or our Rest Ministries pinterest account–which is quite cool I must say.

Lisa

By Debbi Farmer

What a blessing it is to discover a wonderful ministry online that has the potential of helping so many people. I was blessed recently in discovering yet another “hidden jewel,” Snappin’ Ministries. It is a “Special Needs Parent Network” that is essentially a nationwide support network for parents of children with special needs. Their mission is to support and encourage those living with the daily challenge of parenting a special needs child, so that they may experience the genuine love and hope of Jesus in their everyday lives. As a parent who raised and home-schooled a child with special needs, I can tell you from personal experience that finding the support and resources you need in a Christian environment is a struggle. I suppose this is why I was so thrilled to discover this “gem” to share with you.

I recently had the opportunity to interview Barb Dittrich the executive director of Snappin, and I thought I’d share that conversation with you today!

Barb's Children

Mrs. Dittrich, please tell us in your own words a little about Snappin’ Ministries and what inspired you to start such an outreach program.

In 2002, our family sought to connect with other parents who were facing the trials of raising a child with special needs. Having a two-year-old son with severe hemophilia, we found incredible support in the secular world, but craved a more faith-based approach to coping with the challenges of daily living. After seeking out another couple who had a more visibly disabled son, it quickly became apparent to us that God was not calling others, but “our family” to serve this community.

The original meeting, a potluck with six couples, began at our home and then moved to regular meetings at Crosspoint Community Church in Oconomowoc, WI. Snappin’ Ministries was incorporated outside the church October 23, 2007, receiving full 501(c)(3) non-profit status January 29, 2009. Besides serving families locally, the organization seeks to establish this outreach in churches and communities nationwide.

How did you pick the name SNAPPIN?

This is one of the most commonly asked questions about our ministry! The organization was originally named “Special Needs Parents Network.” Our pastor said, “Can’t you come up with a more catchy name? I just met a woman who has a ministry named Spatula Ministry.” [This is the ministry of the late Barbara Johnson]. Then he described how the name engaged him in a conversation about what the ministry’s mission is. I had saved all of our files with the abbreviation “SNPN” and thus, SNAPPIN’ was born. Besides, I tell people, if having a child with special needs doesn’t make you feel like you’re going to snap, nothing will!

Many come to Rest Ministries looking for resources for their “special needs” child. What is it you most desire that others may gain from your website ministry and your resources?

Our mission and vision is distinctly oriented toward parents. The hope of these families begins in the parents. And in this caregiver role requires a unique type of ministry. With all of this in mind, we tailor resources and supports to the variety of needs these parents encounter. We are perpetually mindful of the notion that this group of parents finds it more difficult to get out of the home and thus, more isolated. The magnitude of stress is much greater as well. We address those issues and attempt to show parents the love of Christ in practical ways.

Can you share a little about your personal battle finding resources for your special needs child?

When our son was born with severe hemophilia in 2000, we were well-connected to the bleeding disorder community because I had been connected through volunteerism for over a decade. However, when we became the patient, I was aghast at the variety of issues that effected faith such as sanctity of life, and even how patients were instructed to deal with medical professionals. This is where God worked on me and sent me forth to be His pencil to write a different scenario than what the culture dictates. I really had to blaze many trails on my own, but the Holy Spirit went before me on so much of it. From church, to school, to local athletic programs, I found God using us to firmly–but respectfully–open new doors for ourselves and other families.

How can we start a group like this in our church and community?

SNAPPIN’ has many resources to help parents start a small group in their own church. Besides having our own how-to guide, The SNAPPIN’ Recipe Book, we have other self-published volumes including a devotional and a Bible studies series specifically written for parents of children with special needs. We are also preparing to roll-out a brand new mentor program by the end of the first quarter of 2012. All of these tools are available through our website.

Can someone come to our church and speak about this ministry?

We are available for appearances at any church. Merely email: barb@snappin.org to explore the possibilities further.

What other ways can we make a difference and help with your ministry

Financial donations and continual prayer support are desperately needed to fund our new mentor program. Besides those needs, we can definitely use help with the practical ways we support parents. Donations of gas cards, restaurant cards, grocery or entertainment cards, all go toward showing parents the love of Christ when there’s a trauma or hospitalization. We also put together TLC gift baskets (for mothers and for fathers) that we ship all over the country. We are always grateful when people generously donate items for the gift baskets like soaps, lotions, shampoo/conditioners, note-cards, snacks, nuts, chocolates, gum, stress-balls, flashlights, emery boards, candles, and other basket-sized items.

Is there anything you would like our readers to know more about you and your site? Please feel free to add anything that you think is relevant, so that our readers may choose to turn toward your ministry and resources.

Our organization very actively uses social media through our devotional blog, our ministry leadership blog, Facebook and Twitter.

We also hold a weekly online chat on Thursday evenings, 8 PM CST. We are also collaborating with Zachariah’s Acres ) as they develop a Christian respite campus for children with special needs in a rural Wisconsin setting. Please visit us any time at our website at http://snappin.org

Thank you Mrs. Dittrich for taking the time to share with us all about your wonderful ministry.

Debbi Farmer is a wife, mom and part-time writer. Debbi suffers from several health aggravations in her life. She is also the administrator of Rest Ministries’ “Beyond Surviving Homeschool”. Debbi knows first hand how important it is to find the resources we seek when we raise a child with special needs.

Related articles

• Jolene Philo Shares About Her New Book (and free giveaway!) For Parents of Kids With Special Needs (restministries.com)
• Explaining Illness to Children (chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com)

By Lisa Copen

“Here, Mom, hold my hand and I will help you,” my son says.

We have just left his Tae Kwon Do studio and we’re parked nearby in the disabled parking spot. When I stood up from the chair my knee went out. . . again. The eighteen years of rheumatoid arthritis have caused my knees to be filled with brittle pieces of bone that have broken off, calcium deposits, and calcified blood clots.

As we walked out the door, I held the door frame, trying to get out of the way of the swarm of sweating students. A piece of something in my knee is stuck in a bad place and I can barely put weight on my leg. My leg will not unbend all the way. I was stricken with intense pain but trying to not show it, as I didn’t want his friends to wonder what was wrong with his mom.

He gently grabs my hand. My instinct is to say, “No, honey, Mommy is fine.” In fact, walking while holding his little hand throws my balance off a bit.

But I can see the worry in his face, his desire to help, his quest to express his tenderheartedness.

He wants to know he is making a difference–for me. He may not pick up his toys as frequently as I would like and he throws his towel on the floor behind the bathroom door rather than hang it on the hook –to express his independence from household rules. But he needs to know he is needed.

He is vital.
He is validated.
He is valued.

“Thank you, hon,” I say, holding onto his hand. “You are the sweetest kid in the world.” I smile at him.

He balances his duffel bag of karate gear on one arm and holds my hand with the other. He is eight, and the bag of equipment weighs nearly as much as he does. But he has grown an inch in the last few moment, as he stands tall, confidently in charge of his mom’s comfort.

I waver a bit and instinctively hold squeeze his hand. He looks up and smiles. He feels my dependence on him. My reliance on his character as much as his compassion.

So when I step off the curb carefully I squeeze his hand even a little harder than I normally would. I am sending him a message: “You are needed. Your strength is appreciated. I am safer because you are walking beside me.”

He is walking that precarious line between “child” and “boy.” Some days he reaches for my hand because he has held it for years. It is a warm comfort that can soothe away life’s confusions.

But I don’t grab it anymore when I pick him up from school. If he grabs mine, however, I will joyfully hold his little palm with the fingers wrapped around mine. Before I know it his hand will envelop mine.

But I don’t want to ever embarrass him.

Who understands the social rights and wrongs for a third grader, the unspoken “cool factors” that change from one day to another?

He walks me up to the car and when I reach to open the door he says, “No, Mom! I’ll get it!” and he actually opens the door for me.

“Thanks, sweetie,” I say gently getting into the seat.

“Be careful, Mom. Move slow.” Wow. He waits patiently to make sure I am settled. I smile at him and blow him a silly kiss and then I get the look that says, “Mo-om,” (You know, the two-syllable version) “Don’t embarrass me by blowing kisses.”

I smile to myself as he goes around the car to get in.

Thank you, Lord, for such an amazing little boy. . . Please always give him this gift of compassion, the ability to be aware of the needs of those around him and desire to help them.

He gets in the car and buckles up around the booster seat. He looks out the window as I back out of the parking spot.

In the past I would have gone on and on about how much his actions meant to me as we drove home. But I know him better now.

He is a boy who requires few words and disregards your compliments as artificial if they are too wordy.

He knows Jesus.
He knows Jesus is pleased.
He knows I am grateful.
He knows he makes a difference.

Psalm 27:3 says, “Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?” (The Message)

Lord, help me remember to always treat my child as though he is a gift. Help me recall these moments when I see toys that didn’t get put away or dirty socks under the coffee table. Allow me to see what is really important.

All is well.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

She is currently writing a book for Christian moms who live with chronic illness. If you are interested in sharing your stories, feedback and confessions for the book, visit her Facebook page at http://MomWithIllness.com .

By Lisa Copen

We laugh as people say, “I think I may be a hypochondriac!” but is it really a funny matter? Not so much.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

I get up at 2:30 AM to google a symptom I am experiencing and I start imagining all the things it could be?

It is unlikely. In today’s age of having immediate information at our fingertips, it is much easier to just get out of bed and start searching than to wait until morning when the doctor’s office is open and then we must decide to call him or not. In the days of our parents raising their children, rather than looking for search engine results in the middle of the night, they sat at the kitchen table with the Dr. Spock book attempting to figure out the cause of certain symptoms and if they should be worried or not.

If you find yourself up all hours, night over night, obsessing with health and illness information, it may be a good idea to unplug the computer.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

Every time someone tells me about their symptoms of a certain disease, I begin to believe I must have that too.

Do you really believe you have that illness, in addition to your other ones, or are you just casually laughing about having more of the same symptoms. When we live with chronic illnesses there are hundreds of symptoms we experience that sound familiar to others and vice versa. Just because it “sounds” like you have another illness, doesn’t mean you do. And just because you may joke about it doesn’t mean you actually think you have five more illnesses. On the flip side, there are many secondary illnesses, such as fibromyalgia, sjorgren’s syndrome, or yeast overgrowth. If you occasionally believe you do have that illness, it may be worth checking into.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

Any little change in my illness convinces me I must have cancer. I can’t stop thinking that it’s not a matter of “if” but “when” I get the big “C.”

While it is true that hundreds of thousands of people do get cancer, a great majority of them survive it. Whether you have a family history of it or not, go see your doctor or specialist and talk about your risk factors. Some medications for autoimmune diseases can cause, or increase the risk of, cancer and this can play some major games with your psyche about it. Discuss the risks and what you can do to stay on top of it. Are there certain tests that you should be having done? How can you do your best to be in control of it and catch it early if you do have it? After that, though I know it’s hard, focus on turning those worries over to God. Each day is precious and worrying about things that do not yet exist truly are a waste of our time and the energy we do have.

Am I a hypochondriac if…

I switch from doctor to doctor, insisting they do more tests, because someone is missing something. I know I am ill!

Although those with hypochondria do make their way through many doctors, looking for proof of the invisible illness, just because you are insisting on quality medical care in coping with your chronic disease does not mean you are a hypochondria. We all must be our best health advocates, but this also means understanding that you will likely never find the “perfect doctor.” You need to decide what is most important to you in the doctor/patient relationship and be content in not finding your soul-mate-physician, but rather one that will treat your illness to the best of his or her ability, in the style you prefer.

So, What Is Hypochondria?

Hypochondria is a serious and legitimate disease. According to the Mayo Clinic offers a hypochondriac definition of symptoms you may experience if you suffer with this psychological condition:

• Having a long-term intense fear or anxiety about having a serious disease or health condition
• Worrying that minor symptoms or bodily sensations mean you have a serious illness
• Seeing doctors repeated times or having involved medical exams such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), echocardiograms, or exploratory surgery
• Frequently switching doctors — if one doctor tells you that you aren’t sick, you may not believe it and seek out other opinions
• Continuously talking about your symptoms or suspected diseases with family and friends
• Obsessively doing health research
• Frequently checking your body for problems, such as lumps or sores
• Frequently checking your vital signs, such as pulse or blood pressure
• Thinking you have a disease after reading or hearing about it

According to an article at WebMD, Internet Makes Hypochondria Worse: Cyberchondria. . .

The medical condition called hypochondriasis is defined as worry over an imagined illness with exaggeration of symptoms, no matter how insignificant, that lasts for at least six months and causes significant distress. It tends to develop in the 20s or 30s, and it affects men and women equally. It sometimes comes on following the illness of a friend or family member, and it can also occur as a secondary illness to depression or generalized anxiety disorder.

Those of us who live with a chronic medical condition, and daily chronic pain, can find it hard to remember what it was like to be unaware of your body and it’s movements, aches, and moods. As we share about an ache with a friend, it’s easy for our friend to snap back, “I swear! You are a hypochondriac! All you ever see or talk about it pain! You think you have everything!”

That can be emotionally painful, as we don’t think we have everything, we just think we have a lot!–and we do! People who are healthy hear our stories of our chronic disease, the infections due to a lowered immune system, side effects such an high blood pressure to cataracts, and the list goes on. In their mind a single person could not have all of these problems, so surely some of them must be in her head. Be we do have them. They are legitimate.

If you feel you are suffering from hypochondria, or that the fear of what you may experience with the possibility of an illness is taking over your life, talk your doctor about it. There are many ways to reduce the anxiety in your life, from getting involved with a church-body, increasing your circle of friends, seeing a counselor, to, at times, considering medication to decrease the anxiety in your life.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (KJV). Power, love, a sound mind–and no fear. That is how we were meant to live, so if you can’t do it on your own, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

Have you had the experience of one doctor passing you off to another, and that one to another, and no one really wanting to “own” you as a patient? For a while I have felt I was the ball in a game of ping pong between my general practitioner and a specialist, each telling me to see the other. Currently, as new issues develop, I have become a “hot potato.” My question is, what do you do to get doctors to listen and stop passing the buck?

I am looking for suggestions beyond basics of talking to doctors. One thing I am finding helpful lately is to pray earnestly and specifically for the appointment and the agenda to discuss with that doctor. I am at least finding each appointment a little less frustrating, and maybe a little more helpful.

Marianne

Hi, Marianne. Yes, this can be very frustrating and I think most patients have felt this way at one time or another. My suggestions would be to try the following:

1. Call the local organizations for your illness and ask them if they have a list of recommended specialists. If they don’t you may tell them, “I know you cannot recommend anyone, but off the record, do you hear good things about a specific doctor who’s name you could pass along to me? Do you know of anyone I could ask?” Also, ask online friends in your area who have your same illness if they have some suggestions.
2. Ask others in the medical field who they would recommend, such as any surgeons you see, physical therapists, counselors, nutritionists, etc.
3. Consider if gender makes a difference to you. For over 10 years, both my specialist and general doctor were women. I would gladly see a male physician, and have, but overall, I need someone who will listen well, multi-task, and not seem overwhelmed by side effects.
4. For a general practitioner, ask anyone you respect who has had any kind of medical condition if she or he would mind sharing the name of their physician. Since my diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, I’ve always had doctors of internal medicine as my general practitioners. You may also want to ask around your church and see if there is anyone in the medical profession who may be able to give you the name of a recommended physician.
5. When you call for your first appointment, explain that you would like at least 30 minutes to explain your condition and ask some questions about how the doctor prefers to work with patients who have a chronic condition, when a specialist is also involved. There are doctor who love challenging patients and thrive on figuring out odd symptoms; other doctors do not or do not have the time. Look for doctors who enjoy the challenge.
6. If the doctor you are interested in seeing has a web site, read as much as you can about him in advance. Also, Google his name and look on review sites such as Yelp.
7. Ask your new doctor where they want to fall in your hierarchy of your medical team. For instance, when I got a new rheumatologist last year, I asked him if he wanted me to come to him with symptoms that were obvious side effects of the medications (like basic infections, coughs, yeast infections, etc.) and he said yes.
8. Do your best as a patient to help the doctors communicate. When you have lab tests ordered by one doctor, have them fax results to other doctors. If you have an MRI or eye exam, etc. what other doctors on your medical team would find this information helpful?
9. Ask yourself if you want to try alternative treatments or may wish to in the future. It’s best to not hide this from your specialist, so if it’s important to you, you need a doctor who will support your endeavors to treat yourself for certain things.
10. If you have either a general practitioner you like or a specialist ask them for a referral to the other kind of doctor. Who do they like to work with? This can be very helpful if the doctors already have established a working relationship and if you have a specific illness, doctors have a preference many times for other specialists who understand your disease. For example, my rheumatologist likes to send me to an eye specialist who understands rheumatoid arthritis and how it affects the eyes.
11. Ask each doctor some specific questions and then go over the answers with the other one so there is clear communication. Such as “If I get a cold or sore throat, etc. which doctor should I see? If I have side effects that need treatment, should I go to the doctor who prescribed the medication or …?” If I have an emergency with ____ who should I contact at 3 AM? If I have a _____ issue, would you prefer I go to the ER or Urgent Care? What information should I have with me when I go? Can the doctors there contact you?
12. When one doctor prescribes you medication, especially that which are pain killers, let the other doctor know so it never appears you are hoarding medications.
13. Be a “good patient.” There will be times when you must challenge a doctor’s opinion, but if you really like the doctor and wish to keep him or her, reasonably consider the doctor’s requests. If you frequently cancel appointments, arrive late, delay getting your lab tests done, etc. the doctor will be much less likely to help you or keep you as a patient.
14. Do your best to write down a list of things you wish to speak to the doctor about in order of priority. Tell the doctor, “I have 4 questions today, so would it be okay, if I tell you what they are and then if we run out of time, you could call me back on the last one?”
15. Communicate your needs. For example, if you often bring a caregiver, friend, or spouse with you, is the doctor comfortable with this?
16. Consider if this doctor is best for your needs now. I have found that I need a different rheumatologist for my thirties than I did in my twenties, and when I hit my forties it was also time to start looking around.
17. You mentioned prayer. Yes! Finding, visiting, and keeping a doctor can all be very stressful. Ask friends to pray for your to be led to the right team of medical specialists to meet your needs. Remember to send a thank you card to your doctors now and then or bring in a goodie unexpectedly. Before your appointment, pray for a sense of calmness, and yet also discernment and wisdom to know when to speak up.

I have had a good medical team for some time now, but I’ve also had my share of doctors who have not particularly liked me. At wound care, I had one doctor who casually said they would “just take a little piece of bone out of my ankle and. . . ”

At this point, I said, “With all due respect, I understand you are doing your job. But with rheumatoid arthritis that could disable my ankle for good. Dr. Y is my rheumatologist, and I won’t be having any procedures done until you run them past her, she approves them, and I have an opportunity to talk with her.” He was not happy with me and did not like me questioning his authority. He especially didn’t like having to admit to me a few days later later that he’d talk to my rhematologist and I would not be having the procedure.

On the flip side, I also left my son’s pediatrician and got a recommendation from a children’s therapist for another pediatrician. In less than 30 minutes, the new pediatrician had us appointments at Children’s Hospital, a psychiatrist (who was not accepting new patients), a and many more specialists who helped us solve a difficult case involving food therapy. We felt so relieved.

Last year my rheumatologist of ten+ years was rather rude and I left the office in tears–a rare event. I have found that many good doctors still have a “season” of being motivated to treat you. For me this seems to be 8-10 years. And despite a good relationship, I do expect to be treated with respect. I found a new rheumatologist and am pleased with what he has been able to do for me, the medications he is willing to try, and his experience in using both Western medicine as well as herbs, etc. when possible.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.