An antiseptic smell I couldn’t quite place permeated the air. Perhaps it was a combination of Pine Sol and Clorox. Industrial carpet woven in blues and reds needed a vacuum. A lone ant traveled by my foot. I took the damp tissue in my hand and squashed it. A few fluorescents created shadows which revealed the starkness of the room. The barren environment mimicked the fact that I was the only occupant waiting.

It was the middle of the night, and I lay curled on my side wondering if my husband was going to live through surgery.

I also–possibly selfishly, yet realistically–wondered if my body would allow me to make it through the ordeal. Having postural intolerance, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia severely limit how much time I can be out of bed each day. Normal, everyday activities for most people, like driving to a hospital and sitting for any length of time, are a challenge for me. Doing it for hours is virtually impossible.

My life had taken on a surreal quality since the midnight phone call. A stranger had informed me that Mike was being life flighted back home from Boy Scout Camp. Was I really lying on a hospital floor hoping my body would hold out until I could get information on Mike? Maybe I should call my sister to come sit with me, but we were arguing. What about, I couldn’t remember.

All I knew was I was alone—too alone. For moments I’d seem okay, like I was holding it together; then, the realness of the situation would come over me like the feeling you get when you jump into a pool on your first day of summer vacation. You know the water will be cold, but it’s still a shock. You can’t believe you’ve gone from dripping sweat to shivering violently in the space of seconds. I tried to make sense of the frigid water, but I couldn’t. I wanted back on dry land.

My bible lay open to Psalm 23, yet all I could do was scan the words as my mind flitted about. A bottle of Gatorade with salt packets I’d asked the E.R. nurse for sat beside it. I must have left my baggie of salt at home. My cell phone, a wad of tissues and purse surrounded me. The shawl I wore for writing was draped over my chest. It reminded me of home which helped to alleviate the uneasiness of my surroundings. How much longer would I have to wait? I was trying to keep from panicking; trying to keep it together. It was a battle I was beginning to lose.

I started flipping pages in my Bible. Okay, Lord, I need some help here. I’m scared. My eyes settled on Psalm 63:8 “My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.”

I am clinging to you, God. Since I am doing that, I am going to trust Your Word that says You will uphold me. You know how I struggle with trusting You. I am weak, but You are strong. I need You, Lord. I can’t do this alone. I know that all power in heaven and earth is Yours. I’m asking You to allow Mike to stay with me. I need him. The kids need him. I’m begging You. I also know that Mike is Yours, not mine. So, for me to have peace, I surrender the love of my life into Your hands. If You take him home, I will be angry and grief stricken. But, if that is Your plan, help me to accept it. I can’t do any of this alone. I’m afraid, Jesus. Amen.

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that nothing around me had changed. The waiting room was still bathed in glowing light. Disinfectant hung heavy in the air. There was not another person in sight. And, yet, I felt different.

A tinge of peace subdued my fearful thoughts. The burden I’d been carrying on my own had eased. I felt a little freer, a little lighter. Talking with God had transferred the enormity of the situation from my limited, human hands to His powerful ones.

Honestly, I was still scared, still anxious. But, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t feel so overwhelmed. I knew God was in this with me, and that He would help me face whatever was to come. So, I did the next thing I could. I took a deep breath, gathered my soggy tissues, and went to find someone who could give me an update about Mike.

By the way, my story has a happy ending. I was able to stay at the hospital until Mike was admitted to a private room following surgery. Since that time, he has made a full recovery.

Dana Kennedy is a survivor, encourager, wife and mother. She writes a devotional column for Glory and Strength e-magazine. It has taken Dana the better part of 17 years to begin to understand the gifts God has hidden for her in chronic illness, especially Himself. Dana welcomes your contact at dtearosee@earthlink.net

Has your “healthy” spouse had a medical issue, such as a stroke, cancer, an accident, that left you reeling, wondering how things would “work out”? How did you handle the uncertainty?

In this scenario Mr. Robertson has shown the world that one’s personal comfort, especially in the case of having a spouse with a chronic illness, is more important than the marriage vows of “for better or for worse, until death do us part.”

The religious broadcaster Pat Robertson and chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) told his “700 Club” viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s is justifiable because the disease is “a kind of death.”

During the segment of the show where he answers questions from viewers, Robertson was asked what advice a man should give to a friend who began seeing another woman after his wife started suffering from the Alzheimer’s Disease.

He responds, “I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

When Terry Meeuwsen, Robertson’s co-host, asked him about couples’ marriage vows to take care of each other “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health” I thought he may be able to redeem himself, if he wasn’t sure what hole he had just dug for himself. . .but he didn’t.

“If you respect that vow, you say `til death do us part,’ This is a kind of death.”

It was perhaps this clarification that made me most annoyed me. Besides the statement on divorce, I was also frustrated to hear Robertson emphasize that, in the case of Alzheimer’s the person is “gone.”

He says, “I hate Alzheimer’s. It is one of the most awful things because here is a loved one—this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years. And suddenly that person is gone. They’re gone. They are gone.” (emphasis added). Robertson said that the viewer’s friend could obey the vow of “death till you part” because the disease was a “kind of death.”

Joel Hunter, senior pastor of the 15,000 member Northland Church in Orlando, FL is quoted as saying, “Obviously, you could do this for anything. … ‘My husband watches and plays video games, and so he has left the marriage and it’s kind of like a death,’” he said. “It’s not death, and so we can’t start describing things as death that are really not death, and we have to stop trying to mischaracterize what Scripture says for our own convenience.”

Though loved ones of a person who lives with Alzheimer’s Disease may feel the person they once knew has faded away, if that person is still alive on this earth–God still has a purpose and a plan of his or her life–regardless of how “meaningless” their life may seem to others.

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and lived in assisted living at the end of his years. Even though in his 90s when he died, his memorial service was packed full of people who wanted to celebrate his life–many who didn’t even know him before the Alzheimer’s set in. He impacted many, many lives, even when he had little memory.

We never know what nurse may be living a life of abuse at home, what physical therapist has asked God for a sign of His faithfulness today, what doctor has just lost his wife to cancer. . . and that a patient with Alzheimer’s may be the one who encourages him or her that day.

Joni Eareckson Tada also made a public statement on her website Joni and Friends:

“I was dismayed when this week Pat Robertson said to a nationwide audience that Alzheimer’s disease is a kind of death that makes divorce justifiable. When a Christian leader views marriage on a sliding scale, what does this say to the millions of couples who must deal daily with catastrophic injuries and illnesses?”

Marriage is designed to be a picture of God’s sacrificial love for us. Alzheimer’s disease is never an ‘accident’ in a marriage; it falls under the purview of God’s sovereignty. In the case of someone with Alzheimer’s, this means God’s unconditional and sacrificial love has an opportunity to be even more gloriously displayed in a life together!”

To put a “value” on any life based on what one can remember or what one can do, is to make us all replaceable to our loved ones. What if my coping skills crack under the stress of chronic pain? What if my husband didn’t want to deal with me when I had the flesh eating bacteria? What if we all gave up on our spouse every time life got tough and we said, “S/he just isn’t the same person anymore. . . “?

Is every marriage like Noah and Allie in The Notebook? No, we don’t live in Hollywood. But could we learn something about their faithfulness to one another despite life’s difficulties, including Alzheimer’s? Yes.

May God open the eyes of Mr. Robertson, and may we cover the many in prayer who heard is message and now believe their acts of leaving a spouse who is suffering is justifiable because “they just aren’t the same person I married.”

It is a sad thing to see our Christian leaders conforming to the world’s views so that people can live a life of comfort, while sometimes the world, such as in the movie The Notebook gets it right, showing true compassion.

Video of the 700 Club broadcast

Video of touching scenes from The Notebook

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

One of the privileges of writing articles to share with the members of Rest Ministries who are looking for resources to help with their particular kind of pain is finding a “hidden jewel” that can out-shine many others.

“Healing our Heroes Network” is just that jewel!

“Once a Hero always a Hero,” however our military heroes today are only human and can suffer many kinds of wounds too complex sometimes to treat, too personal to share, and too deep to heal without help. That is where this wonderful program comes into play.

The “Soldiers for Bibles Ministry” a part of Heart of God International Ministries has seen the need to bring together resources to help our heroes in one convenient location.

“Healing Our Heroes Network” is a web-based “software as a service” (SaaS) application to anonymously connect military personnel with local resources based on their specific needs and unique life situations. These military personal do not have to be active, as these resources can help any veteran. Subscribers to the site can be any friend, family member or even someone who will volunteer to help.

Personal identification information (beyond an email address) is not collected, therefore preserving the individual’s anonymity as they search a widespread database of prospective resources addressing their unique situation regardless of their faith or life choices. This program is designed to reach out to all military with needs.

I contacted former devotional writer of Rest Ministries, Jan Ross, who is the president of Heart of God International Ministries and she introduced me to John Hoben, who is the executive director of the Soldier’s Bible Ministry. Mr. Hoben enthusiastically shared much information about this ministry. It was such a privilege to chat with him about this wonderful program.

Basically as all ministries try to do, the Lord showed them a need that their outreach program could help fill.

“This program ministry helps our veterans find resources to meet their spiritual, physical, and emotional needs,” says Mr Hoben. “We wanted to make this a safe environment, so the one who seeks help can not only find resources that will lead them to volunteers or professionals ready to help them, but will assure that they stay anonymous as well, so that they feel secure in their decision to seek help in the first place.”

“HOH Network provides a dynamic, active complement to the broad range of community based resources in order to access exactly what the veterans and their families needs are at the right time and in the right fashion. This dynamic outreach mechanism proactively engages service providers and other suppliers with building a trusted dialog with the veteran in a way that dispels any stigma associated with seeking help and/or concern over damaging a veteran’s career should their employer learn he or she is seeking out services or assistance with emotional issues.”

“Veterans and their families are the primary clients of the HOH Network. Health care providers and others who deliver supplies and services to veterans and their families are the secondary audience being serviced.”

I ask Mr Hoben what inspired them to start such an outreach program. He then reminded me that their ministry has been helping soldiers with their spiritual needs through the “Soldiers for Bibles” program. What a comfort to know that there is a program to help connect Bibles to our military.

Mr Hoben shared with us a letter that was sent to them via Soldiers for Bible Ministry:

Dear John,
I know you have probably received tons of emails since my last one two years ago in March. I had emailed you to request a copy of the small ACU bible for my husband who was deploying to Iraq. I was compelled today to write you a thank you note, in appreciation of your quick response in providing me with the bible requested, to give to my husband.

On August 23rd of 2009 my husband’s vehicle was hit by an IED. In all honesty, when I received his personal possessions, relief struck me as I was handed your bible. I just wanted you to know how important your ministry is and how blessed you are for spreading the good news. I personally want to thank you for all that you do. I want you to know that you make a difference everyday. I can not thank you enough.
May God bless you today and everyday,
[Name Withheld]

“In addition to direct support of our men and women in uniform, and their families, SBM also places U.S. military chaplains at the core of our outreach. Military chaplains have a limited, or nearly non-existent, budget to invest in the tools they need to support the men and women to whom they minister. Through SBM, they provide a wide range of Bibles and Bible study materials to help fulfill the needs of military chaplains as they embrace our young men and women with genuine love, emotional support, and spiritual guidance and instruction.” (Heart of God International Ministries)

If you make a donation is can also help place music into the hands of our military chaplains. There are so many wonderful ways you can help encourage this wonderful ministry in it’s service to reach our military and their families.

Not only did the Lord open a door for soldiers to receive Bibles for their comfort and strength when they are facing such life and death conditions, but the Lord opened even more doors in this ministry as well. Working through Military Chaplain’s as well as Christian Pakistan Volunteers the “Soldiers for Bibles” ministry now have an opportunity to reach soldiers in the Pakistan Army with Bibles and study materials which in turn has caused some converted Pakistan volunteers to minister to the orphans and children in Pakistan through Bible Studies.

Wow, what a tremendous opportunity that the Lord has presented through these doors! Can you imagine what these Bibles can do for those in Pakistan that turn to Christianity?

You can help with this ministry also by making donations at:

The HOH Network sponsored by Soldiers Bible Ministry, a division of Heart of God International Ministries (HGIM), an Ohio-based 501(c)3 notfor-profit corporation. Vistalogix, Inc., a for-profit Information Technology (IT) Services Corporation based in St. Petersburg, FL, has assigned its highly qualified team of IT professionals to develop the HOH Network in partnership with HGIM.
or
Soldiers Bible Ministry
P. O. Box 248
Willard, Ohio 44890
+1.419.933.7000 | +1.888.91.PSALM (+1.888.917.7256) ext. 3
www.soldiersbibleministry.org | john.hoben@soldiersbibleministry.org
Jan Ross, President of
Heart of God International Ministries http://www.heartofgodinternational.org/

What else can you do to help with this great cause?
“Healing Our Heroes Network” welcomes any and all volunteer support at the local and national level.
To learn more and/or get involved, please contact John Hoben at 1.888.917.7256 or email info@healingourheroes.org. And of course prayer is always a welcome!
You can read more at http://healingourheroes.org and see a brochures here

Debbi Farmer is a part-time writer and small business owner who suffers from several health challenges that the Lord helps her through daily. She loves to discover wonderful programs and resources that help others with their struggles in life.

This is part 2 of a 2 part article. Part 1 is here: Carrying Super Rachel – The Logistics of When Your Wife Is Chronically Ill

It’s tough to live your life with a chronic illness. Even with the best attitude and support system, you have bad days where you think futile thoughts. “I should be able to do this. . . anybody my age should!” When you can’t walk yourself across the room, it’s easy to become depressed.

Here are some of the ways I help my wife combat this mentality:

• I reinforce that she’s definitely worth something–in face, everything–to me.
• We both are an active part of our support group, the Texas Association for Dysautonomia Awareness.
• I encourage her to participate in things she can find joy in and so that she can stay mentally active and feeling useful while she’s at home. These include things like sewing projects, embroidering, and updating her web site.
  We laugh and make jokes. You must have a sense of humor.
• We make family time a priority, not just with each other, but with extended family too.
• We make time for friendships and reach out to others. We want to be able to offer assistance and help others whenever we can.
• She sees her illness as part of her ministry. With that said, if she becomes too inwardly focused, she is not “doing her part.”

Matt & Rachel

Here are some ways we stay spiritually in touch:

• If you can’t get out of the house (or walk to the other side of it), it’s hard to feel like an important member of the body of Christ. We try to make sure Rachel maintains her relationship with Jesus and the rest of the church.
• We regularly attend church (this is a must since I’m the youth pastor!)
• Sometimes, when Rachel feels really bad, I let her skip church–or rather, if she is feeling really poorly, I “make her” skip church, (ie. I don’t make her feel guilty for taking care of herself.)
• We keep sermon podcasts from our favorite preachers on her iPod.
• We try to have a daily “Family Worship Time,” where we read some scripture, pray, and sing together.

Why do I do all of this? She is my wife, but more than that, she is my superhero. . . and I love her.

Matt Horne is the wife of Rachel, who lives with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and fibromyalgia, among other conditions. They have been married since December 2006 and Rachel is currently pregnant with her first child. Matt is the youth pastor at the First Baptist Church Hebron in Carrollton, Texas. You can visit his web site at http://www.matthorne.info .

Matt and Rachel

By Matt Horne

Caring for a chronically ill wife is not what I had envisioned when I was working up the nerve to ask out “that hot girl” who would later become my wife. We were in college and she was on the cross country team. She let me know very early on in the relationship that she had a chronic illness.

Nowadays, it’s just part of life. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if she were well.

There’s a reason I call her “Super Rachel.” On her good days, she can run circles around me–cleaning, getting things checked off her to-do list, and having tons of fun. She’s amazing.

On top of that, she has the greatest attitude and rarely lets her condition get her down. As her dad says, she’s an “overcomer.” Instead of having a “why me?” attitude, she says “what can I do to fix it?” She also has the tendency to volunteer for more than she can handle, but I digress. . .

Here are some tips about the logistics I’d like to pass on to help other couples who are coping with chronic illness:

Career

Super Rachel can’t work sometimes. A couple years ago, she was working part-time, working on her Master’s degree in Exercise Physiology, and working as a Graduate Assistant at the university (to pay for school). She crashed. We worked it out so we don’t need her income and she can stay at home trying to feel better.

Priorities

She was forced to reevaluate her priorities. Rachel used every ounce of her energy to please everyone else and live up to their expectations. Sometimes she was not physically able to drive home at night and I would have to put on my shining armor and drive my mighty steed (Ford Ranger) to pick her up. We had very little free time as a couple. At that time, she decided to put God first and her family (me) second in her life. School, work, and everything else is important, but not that important.

Now that she’s feeling better, she only works 2 days a week and we carpool, so she doesn’t have to drive herself. Working two days a week at the doctor’s office is the peak of her current physical ability, but she has the opportunity to help others with the same chronic condition she has.

Mobility

I searched on craigslist.org for a walker and a go-cart. (Yes, I call it the go-cart. Yes, I know I’m wrong. It is a mobility scooter. No, I won’t change.) I got the walker for $50 ($175 off) and the go-cart for $300 ($1,000 off). The walker helps her get around the house when she’s at her worst health-wise. The go-cart helps us get the shopping done, among other things.

Shopping

I used to get really frustrated when she said she had enough energy to go shopping, but didn’t. Invariably, when we got just about five items down on the list, she would need to quit and go home. I had probably 25 more things to get. It really made me angry sometimes, but it wasn’t her fault. The walker and the scooter dramatically changed things. Now, for the first time in her life, she actually enjoys shopping.

Independence

To help her be more independent on her bad days, I installed a hand-held shower head in the bath tub and bought a shower chair. Now she can clean herself most of the time.

Comfort

We used to sleep on an incline, so there wouldn’t be as much of a change for her when she gets up in the mornings. This is a common treatment for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.

Cooking

It is very important for her to be able to eat when I’m not home, even when she can’t stand up. If you can’t stand for more than a few seconds, you obviously can’t cook on the stove top. We try to get a good number of things pre-cooked and in the freezer for her to re-heat and I’m not talking about “healthy-choice box dinners” either.

We like to do what is called “Once A Month Cooking,” or OAMC. We’re not very good at doing it regularly, but if you do it right, you can have wonderful dinners & lunches for very little cost, and it’s all home made! With OAMC, you create a plan, buy your stuff, cook all day, and then freeze it for later. Sometimes all day Saturday spills over into part of the day on Sunday.

When she’s desperate for some nutrition and doesn’t have the energy to cook, she uses the walker to get to the kitchen, musters what energy she has to get the food from the freezer to the microwave, and then sits down on the seat of the walker (or the floor) while it cooks. After that, she can eat right there in the kitchen. Some days, we use the bar stool in front of the stove or sink so that she can get some work done.

And I almost forgot – I do pick her up and carry her sometimes!

Tomorrow Matt will Share. . .

How a Husband Can Encourage a Chronically Ill Wife – The Spiritual and Emotional Stuff

Matt Horne is the wife of Rachel, who lives with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and fibromyalgia, among other conditions. They have been married since December 2006 and Rachel is currently pregnant with her first child. Matt is the youth pastor at the First Baptist Church Hebron in Carrollton, Texas. You can visit his web site at http://www.matthorne.info .

Once upon a time, a fair young maiden caught the eye of a godly young lad in the village of “Bowl of Cherries.” The young lad asked the fair maiden if she’d accompany him to a jousting tournament and a courtship began that continued to blossom over the next two years. Once the fair maiden completed her classical studies, the young lad asked for her hand in marriage and she enthusiastically said yes! A grand wedding ceremony and marriage celebration followed and life became a “bowl full of cherries!”

Actually, that “fair maiden” is me, and I have been married 30 years to my “young lad.” We were blessed with two children, a 24 year-old daughter who married her own godly young lad, and a 21 year-old son who is entering graduate school. Thirty years of marriage and two grown children progressing successfully in life. . .so far, so good, right? Well, frankly, it is good, and I hope to share with you both the joys and struggles of two imperfect people in marriage, and how we have remained “one flesh” through God’s grace and faithfulness.

All members of our family live with chronic, sometimes debilitating, disease.

When you live with a chronic disease, you can look lively and healthy on the outside, but be struggling on the inside. The chronic nature of a disease can also be “wearing” over time and can cause the person suffering with the disease to become self-centered, uninterested in sharing the interests of his/her spouse, and unable to serve them.

Now multiply that by four people in a family, two people in a marriage, and you can see where maintaining a healthy Christian marriage can seem impossible. Yet several times in the Bible, Jesus states, “With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26) Throughout our 29 years, God has been faithful in meeting all of our physical, mental, and emotional needs, allowing all of us to live active lives.

My husband and I became born-again Christians later in life, around age 40, through God’s intervention in many ways, and through the prayers of many believers. Once we accepted Christ as our personal Savior, life became a bowl full of cherries, right? Not quite.

As we grew in our faith, we also began to realize that what our family was being taught at church was not consistent with what we were learning in the Bible. After what seemed like an eternity, God gave both my husband and I a clear signal that it was time to move on, which brought us both such peace, but our children were upset and shocked, and could only think about the friends who they would no longer see. It was a period of anger, confusion, and what seemed like an endless search for a new church that we could call our home.

The bowl of cherries seems full again, right?

As our children grew, we invested a lot of our time and energy into their lives, which was wonderful and we don’t regret a minute of it. We were having fun with the kids, with our kids’ friends, and with our own friends. Even though my husband and I were spending time together and having fun together, we were not investing emotionally in each other. This occurred in spite of being active in the Marriage Encounter ministry and teaching Sunday School classes on family and marriage issues.

Yet life was good. . . the bowl of cherries seemed full–almost overflowing.

And then I “blinked” and our beautiful daughter was off to college in Virginia, seven hours away. She loved college from day one, a blessing from the Lord, but the loss to me was like a death in the family. In addition, my mother-in-law died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months before that from a stroke, and my mother, who had been ill, died one month after our daughter left for college. The three most important women in my life were gone.

My bowl of cherries was not completely empty, but there certainly was not enough to make a pie.

The outgoing, organized, always-together wife, mother, sister, friend, and worker “disappeared” and a clinically depressed and anxious shell of a person replaced her. In addition, our son entered tenth grade and the most rebellious year of his life. A woman that usually went toe-to-toe with her son now could barely put one toe in front of the other.

It was a very dark period of my life, a time of complete helplessness with no human ability to “fix” it. I lost all ability to concentrate, to sleep, and to have any emotion about anything. I was anxious all the time and couldn’t organize myself to get showered, to pick out clothes, or to get dressed.

Years before, the Lord had given me a life verse: “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken” (Psalm 16:8). . . yet I felt shaken to the core. What kind of testimony was my life now?

In my fog, this verse somehow came to mind, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.” (2 Chronicles 20:12). God knew what to do: He drew together a small group of women who interceded for me, who provided meals for us, who took turns calling me each day to see if I was moving forward, who encouraged me to seek counseling and medication.

Eventually, I began to be restored, the cherries began to blossom on the tree again!

Not only was God faithful, but my husband was too, even though he was stretched way beyond his comfort zone and experienced intense periods of sadness, anger, exasperation, confusion, and loneliness. He modeled Jesus’ servanthood to me. . . and still does.

I look back now and call that period of my life a “treasure of darkness,” because there are things God taught my family during that time that could not have been learned in any other way. I saw unconditional and sacrificial love in action daily, and I could return neither. Neither my husband, children, or friends knew when, or if, I would “return.”

Since my “return,” my husband and I have been able to reach out to others where a spouse is suffering from depression and have been able not only to offer our testimony, but our ears, our hands, and our feet in very tangible ways. God does not waste anything.

We counseled for about a year and a half and the counselor helped me to see lies that I believed about the priority of my relationship with my daughter and my husband, and then gave us tools to find the truth. Counseling is hard work; although we felt weak when we began, through Christ’s strength, and the perseverance of both the counselor and us, we came out much stronger as individuals and as a couple grounded in Christ.

Once again, God was faithful. . .

. . . . this time in providing a godly counselor with whom we both connected and who helped reconnect us with Christ and His plan for our lives.

I wish I could say I feel spectacular now, our marriage is consistently joyous, and everyday is an awesome experience, but I would be lying. We still struggle with ongoing health issues, resulting in fatigue and sometimes poor communication. I still sometimes struggle with how I ended up where I am in life, and the passion and friendship of our marriage still waxes and wanes.

So you might say the bowl of cherries is only half full.

Yet, I look beyond the man with the hair graying at his temples, the man with the hair growing on his back and in his ears, the man who daily struggles physically and mentally, and I see the man who calls me his “bride.” I see the man who loves me unconditionally and who is the “Jesus with skin on” in my life. And I praise God for the consistent sacrificial love he has shown and given to me for many of those 29 years.

I know that the bowl of cherries overflows! God continues to be faithful.

So, what is the key to keeping and replenishing that bowl full of cherries for your marriage? Unconditional and sacrificial love to meet the needs of our spouse, modeled by Jesus Christ in so many ways.

In Romans 12:3, Paul reminds us, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” This is the key, whether you’re married to a Christian or non-Christian, modeling service and sacrificial love to others.

What does this unconditional and sacrificial love look like daily? Making dinner when you don’t feel like it; turning off your favorite TV show to talk with your spouse or to take a walk; perhaps watching a ball game on TV with him (or HGTV with her), even though you have no interest in it; being sexually intimate with him when you don’t feel like it as an act of sacrificial love; going out to where he tinkers with cars or with wood (you know, the place which has literally taken over your garage or basement); and just watching him work and keeping him company, even when your energy level is low or nonexistent. Ask God. He will give you the strength you need to fulfill this calling.

This is sacrificial love in action, and it will change your marriage! It’s not natural, it’s not something we’re inclined to do, and it’s not something we’re encouraged to do in our society. It will only occur through obedience to those little nudges and promptings of the Holy Spirit within you. Your spouse will notice, your kids will notice, and your girlfriends or family may tell you you’re nuts! But, most importantly, God will notice, and as you are faithful in unconditionally and sacrificially loving your spouse, He will bless and transform you, your marriage and your life!

Jackie Confalone lives in Pennsylvania with her “groom” of 30 years, Gary, and they have two children-a daughter who is married and living in Virginia, and a son who is in graduate school at U. of Tennessee in Knoxville. Jackie “lives” with three invisible illnesses, Ulcerative Colitis, Endometriosis, and Late Stage Lyme Disease.

Each of her family members has at least one invisible illness. Although they have walked through many years of pain, struggle, and uncertainty, she believes and lives by her life verse: “I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” (Psalm 16:8). She loves God, Jesus, her family, ministering and teaching with her husband, teaching fitness classes, sleeping, technology, writing, and cherry pie-in that order. These are her first published articles and she feels blessed that God has used her experiences to help others with invisible illnesses. She has started posting some writings at http://jackieconfalone.wordpress.com.

By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD

We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.

When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:

You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.

Hopeless remarks:

Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.

Demands:

Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.

We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.

We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.

After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”

This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:

1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?

2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:

Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”

Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”

Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”

3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.

Direct sharing of needs:

“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”

Rather than demanding and criticizing:

“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”

People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication (Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.

bIO GOES HERE

I had just received the third pink slip in two weeks from the lab that said my payment was passed due. Over three times I had called and my insurance company had assured me that the lab work was covered and that they would mail out a check that afternoon. This time, when I finally got a representative on the telephone, I was polite, but firm. I said that I wanted the problem taken care of immediately, and I wrote down her name and the supervisor’s name. It was time to get even more assertive.

When chronically ill people are assertive, is it not taken seriously?

Is it assumed that we won’t have the energy or stamina to fight all of the battles that we will face? When we do talk to someone in customer service, we are rarely taken absolutely seriously. After all, isn’t it just the drugs that make us impatient and nit-picky about all of this insurance stuff?

Has anyone ever brushed off your assertiveness simply by assuming, “She doesn’t have anything else to think about all day, so no wonder she’s upset!”? Or “She’s just taking her frustrations out on me because she has a chronic illness.”

What is exactly is assertiveness?

When you imagine an assertive person, what comes to mind? Webster’s Dictionary says that assertiveness is “positive; affirming confidently; affirmative.” Too often we confuse assertiveness with aggression which is defined as “making assaults and unjustly attacking.”

Most of us have had moments when we have slid into an aggressive mode, but assertiveness is based on one’s ability to confidently step forward. Rather than becoming aggressive, I believe that the chronically ill often become burnt out on fighting and we simply avoid any conflict. Who has the energy to fight for our rights? Next time a situation arises where you may need to be a bit assertive, here are some things in which to remember.

I have the right to say no without feeling guilty

For those of us with chronic illness, this is a big one! We must say, “no, thanks,” or “I’ll pass,” much more often than we would prefer. Even when we master the ability to say no, the guilt continues to sit with us for days. Let it go! You know your abilities and limitations and what is best for your own health and your family’s well being.

I have the right to state my opinion, even if I change my mind

Have you ever been on a jury and you had to state your decision upfront, but than as the deliberations continued, you changed your mind about the verdict? You have the right to say what you think, but it’s best to think before you speak. Is what you say going to hurt someone’s feelings? Are your comments going to help the situation?

I have the right to take risks and try new things

Just because you have a chronic condition doesn’t mean you have to eat at the same restaurant the rest of your life. Try new things! You may find a new hobby or a new activity that you are able to easily do, in which you would have never thought about.

“When I started taking photos it was with one of those cardboard cameras,” says Darcie. “But then I found that I really loved it and I wasn’t half bad. So I bought a real camera. It’s been fun. I’ve had an excuse to go to events that I couldn’t participate in before, like boat races, because I am ‘the photographer.’”

I have the right to be heard

Whether you are having a conversation with a medical professional or your mother, you do have the right to be heard. Too many of us fall into the habit of talking all of the time, however, and forgetting that we also have the responsibility to listen. Know your boundaries and what you are willing to listen to and not. When a man approached me after a health fair and said, “I can cure you in 30 days,”

I replied, “You have sixty seconds to tell me why I should talk with you further about your product.” I listened… and no, he didn’t convince me. He felt okay about it though, and I got out of an uncomfortable thirty-minute sales pitch.

“But I am too shy to be assertive!”

You may be shy, but that should not mean you end up getting walked all over. Practice in front of the mirror if you must. As you step out and share your opinion, it may feel awkward at first, but then you will gain more confidence and it will become simpler the next time the opportunity arises. Even studies have shown that assertive people are more likely to have personal and professional relationships that are based on honesty and mutual respect.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and she lives in San Diego with her husband and son. She is gradually learning how to balance motherhood, family, illness, and ministry, but she still knows it will be a lifetime lesson. You can see the books she has written, including, Why Can’t I Make People Understand? at the Rest Ministries shop.

She is currently writing a book for Christian moms who live with chronic illness. If you are interested in sharing your stories, feedback and confessions for the book, visit her Facebook page at http://MomWithIllness.com .

Joel and Lisa, 1996

“I’m not going to kiss you…”

Who would ever think that hearing these words from your spouse would be considered a sign of his deep love? As my husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary recently at a nice hotel on the Oregon Coast, we walked on the beach hand in hand, and finally, after 3 days I said, “Just kiss me!” so he did.

He’d been in the state of “getting sick” for the last week on and off. The 1000-mile drive (and all the caffeine I kept handing him on the way to stay awake) had not exactly helped him fight it off.

Yep, that kiss was really stepping out of a safety zone. I’m glad to say I didn’t get sick.

Some of you may laugh. If you don’t have a chronic illness, you may think this all sounds a bit odd. I mean, who is going to get sick from one quick little kiss, right?

Well. . . me. And maybe you too, if you have a less than effective immune system.

Some of us may remember when we were young and in love and if the one we cared about was sick we just said “Ah, kiss me anyway.”

If we didn’t yet have a chronic illness our immune system could fight off the few germs from a kiss. And if we actually got sick? Well, that was just romantic, right?

About 6 weeks after I was officially diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 1993, my husband (who was just a boyfriend at the time) got the chicken pox. Despite our best of efforts for me to avoid it, I remember being at work and getting a horribly sore throat in a matter of an hour. I went home, and soon the sores started to appear on the rest of my body.

Although we’d been in our twenties, neither one of us had ever had the chicken pox. I remember him coming over to my home (where I rented a room) and we sat on the couch for hours watching movies. It wan’t fun, but I had been able to get on medications quickly to avoid the worst of the pox. He wasn’t so lucky. He had an allergic reaction and was quite miserable.

But there was a certain amount of “we’re in this together” feeling. As the saying goes, “shared hardship creates intimacy.” And yes, sharing chicken pox did create relationship memories. We thought we’d have stories to tell our child someday when he got them. Instead, he just got a vaccinne.

Now we aren’t so “romantic.” There are better ways to creat memories in a relationship and we have enough “shared hardships” that happen naturally without allowing new ones to happen, like shared colds.

Is a rushed kiss worth me being sick for weeks or maybe months? Nope! Is it worth me having to go off of my immuno-suppressant medications? The risk of possible upper respiratory infection? Uh, no.It turns not only my health upside down, but our entire household.

Can all of this hurt a relationship? Yes, it can if you let it. When it comes to intimacy within a marriage where chronic illness exists it takes a great deal of communication, a sense of humor, and . . . love.

Because when my husband stood there in front of friends and family and pledged to love me in sickness and in health in 1996, he knew the odds were that there would be a lot more sickness than health. He knew the difference between having an illness and “being sick.” He didn’t know all that would happen, but he promised to be there beside me. . . and he has been.

You know you have a chronic illness within your marriage, when your spouse puts on surgical gloves before caring for your wound and you aren’t even slightly humiliated. Or when you MUST get along (even when you are both stressed and driving each other nuts) because he is the only one in the house who can run the computer that is attached to your IV that gives you your doses of medication.

I realize how blessed I am to have a loving husband who stands beside me (some days to prop me up). He’s not perfect, and neither am I, but together, we are learning to walk the path of both marriage and illness together. And most days I do get a kiss!

To hear more from Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen and her husband Joel, listen to the podcast they did together on marriage and illness for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week 2009.

Joel & Lisa, 4/13/1996

“I’m not going to kiss you.”

Who would ever think that hearing these words from your spouse would be considered a sign of his deep love? As my husb& & I celebrated our 14th anniversary recently at a nice hotel on the Oregon Coast, we walked on the beach h& in h&, & finally, after 3 days I said, “Just kiss me!” so he did.

He’d been in the state of “getting sick” for the last week on & off. The 1000-mile drive (& all the caffeine I kept h&ing him on the way to stay awake) had not exactly helped him fight it off.

Yep, that kiss was really stepping out of a safety zone. I’m glad to say I didn’t get sick.

Some of you may laugh. If you don’t have a chronic illness, you may think this all sounds a bit odd. I mean, who is going to get sick from one quick little kiss, right?

Well. . . me. And maybe you too, if you have a less than effective immune system.

Some of us may remember when we were young & in love & if the one we cared about was sick we just said “Ah, kiss me anyway.”

If we didn’t yet have a chronic illness our immune system could fight off the few germs from a kiss. And if we actually got sick? Well, that was just romantic, right?

About 6 weeks after I was officially diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 1993, my husb& (who was just a boyfriend at the time) got the chicken pox. Despite our best of efforts for me to avoid it, I remember being at work & getting a horribly sore throat in a matter of an hour. I went home, & soon the sores started to appear on the rest of my body.

Although we’d been in our twenties, neither one of us had ever had the chicken pox. I remember him coming over to my home (where I rented a room) & we sat on the couch for hours watching movies. It wan’t fun, but I had been able to get on medications quickly to avoid the worst of the pox. He wasn’t so lucky. He had an allergic reaction & was quite miserable.

But there was a certain amount of “we’re in this together” feeling. As the saying goes, “shared hardship creates intimacy.” And yes, sharing chicken pox did create relationship memories. We thought we’d have stories to tell our child someday when he got them. Instead, he just got a vaccinne.

Now we aren’t so “romantic.” There are better ways to creat memories in a relationship & we have enough “shared hardships” that happen naturally without allowing new ones to happen, like shared colds.

Is a rushed kiss worth me being sick for weeks or maybe months? Nope! Is it worth me having to go off of my immuno-suppressant medications? The risk of possible upper respiratory infection? Uh, no.It turns not only my health upside down, but our entire household.

Can all of this hurt a relationship? Yes, it can if you let it. When it comes to intimacy within a marriage where chronic illness exists it takes a great deal of communication, a sense of humor, & . . . love.

Because when my husb& stood there in front of friends & family & pledged to love me in sickness & in health in 1996, he knew the odds were that there would be a lot more sickness than health. He knew the difference between having an illness & “being sick.” He didn’t know all that would happen, but he promised to be there beside me. . . & he has been.

You know you have a chronic illness within your marriage, when your spouse puts on surgical gloves before caring for your wound & you aren’t even slightly humiliated. Or when you MUST get along (even when you are both stressed & driving each other nuts) because he is the only one in the house who can run the computer that is attached to your IV that gives you your doses of medication.

I realize how blessed I am to have a loving husb& who st&s beside me (some days to prop me up). He’s not perfect, & neither am I, but together, we are learning to walk the path of both marriage & illness together. And most days I do get a kiss!

To hear more from Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen & her husb& Joel, listen to the podcast they did together on marriage & illness for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week 2009.

The got divorced.

The woman’s husb&, who was diagnosed with dementia that quickly progressed, needed round-the-clock care, & was moved to a nursing home. The bills were around $7500-8000 a month. After 18 months & $75,000 one of her husb&’s doctors said, “Keep working & get yourself a really good lawyer.”

An elder law attorney told her as a last resort she could get a divorce. She had been married 43 years. Her response? “I was shocked, I was horrified & angry.” But with a divorce, her husb& would qualify for the medicaid program “sooner rather than later” said her attorney.

So she says, “I did what I had to do to survive. I never stopped feeling married . . . I would never let them touch that. No one could touch [the ring on my finger].”

Ken Budd, the features editor of AARP magazine says getting a divorce for these reasons “is extreme, but a lot less extreme.”

He explains, medicare is only going to pay for 100 days of nursing home coverage; medicaid is designed for people in poverty. When asked, “Is this defrauding tax payers?” he responds “These aren’t people who are trying to beat the system. These are people who the system has beaten them down so they have to go to these desperate measures. . . Emotionally it was devestating. It was gut-renching. It was pretty much a last resort.”

He also advises one to talk to both a financial advisor & & elder-care attorney. “They think Medicare is going to cover everything. That’s not the case.”

Dr. Janet Taylor, psychiatrist, says, “Through love for her husb& & wanting to get the best care for him she made the ultimate sacrifice which was devestating emotionally to her.”

So what do you think?

When it comes to the Word Malachi 2:16 says, “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. Many other scriptures tell us when divorce is “permissable” & when it is not.

I don’t have a particular opinion on this subject, because I have not stood in the shoes of one who was forced to make a decision like this. But I am curious of what you think?

If you were buried in debt & out of resources to care for your spouse, but by getting divorced he or she would receive better care, what would you do?

You can watch a video of the story More Couples Divorcing to Pay Medical Bills? after the brief commercial here.

I am the father of a 22-year-old son who recently moved out of the house. My wife works at a local craft store full time, but I have been unable to work the last few years due to a degenerative chronic illness. Usually it seems the women grieve an “empty nest” more than the men, but since I was the one around the house with my son, I feel like it is impacting me more than ever. I’m quickly getting depressed about how quiet is & how, well, dull my life actually is without the energy of my son here. Where do I go from here? -Jonathan

Jonathan, it’s interesting that you should bring this up. My best friend (Kathleen Y’Barbo) & I just wrote a book for Empty Nest moms titled, “The House is Quiet. . .Now What?” In it, we deal with nine specific issues that empty nesters face. As you mentioned, men face these issues, too. And I can imagine how much tougher it must be with your chronic illness.

I do feel that I can relate. I’m both an empty nester & a person who struggles with autoimmune arthritis, & the days can get tough. In the very first chapter of our book, we deal with feelings of aloneness. We pose the question: “Is aloneness really a bad thing?” I want you to contemplate all of the many times the Lord called his people to seasons of aloneness with Him. Moses had his tent of meeting. David spent time in the cave. The apostles met with Jesus in the Garden. Sometimes I think we need a new perspective on aloneness. Instead of seeing it as a curse, it’s time to reanalyze it as a potential blessing. Could it be that this season of your life is an opportunity to deepen your relationship with the Lord?

Maybe He’s calling you into the Holy of Holies to commune with him on a level you’ve never experienced before, & having more free time actually gives you the chance to meet Him there. With the house empty, you can turn on the worship music & sing with ab&on, getting real & honest with the Lord about how you feel.

Even though our book is for women, the principles would be the same for a man. I’ve love to offer you a copy at no cost, my gift to you. Please feel free to contact me at booksbyjanice@aol.com with your address & I’ll drop a copy in the mail. The book is loaded with tips/advice/ideas for empty nesters, all to remind you that this stage/phase of your life is a new beginning, an opportunity to live out dreams you might have tucked away while you were raising your son. Yes, you’re in a new season. But remember, seasons never last long. What you’re feeling will pass, & on the tail end of this sadness, you’re going to experience a new birth. Just hang on for the ride! And feel free to contact me when you’re ready for a copy of the book.

Janice Hanna Thompson is the Christian author of over fifty books for the Christian market. She is an empty nest mom who lives with two naughty dachshunds. (Truthfully, the dogs are harder to raise than the kids were.) Janice battles psoriatic arthritis & also uses a CPAP for sleep apnea. In spite of her struggles, she chooses to praise the Lord “in the storm” & hopes to encourage others along the way with her writings. Be sure to visit her website for a wide-variety of books!