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If you have an invisible illness you have likely heard people say, “well, you look fine” or “you just have too much stress.” Despite the cliche sayings about “sticks and stone”–words can hurt. The internet is full of sarcastic sayings and images that put down the people who say things without thinking.
But this doesn’t help anyone.
As Rest Ministries prepares for Invisible Illness Awareness Week (which we sponsor), our goal is not to create a larger divide between those who are ill and those who are healthy, but rather to allow people to communicate better and improve relationships. One way of doing this is through this video of what not to say to one who is ill.
Most people don’t actually want to hurt those they care about–or even the stranger they start speaking to in the grocery store line. If someone knows about our illness and offers advice it is usually because they want to relieve the pain, not add more burdens to us.
And yet, it’s hard to smile some days when we hear, “My mom’s dog has arthritis and she gave him turmeric and now he is running around like a puppy.” (Yes, a young man who was my checker at a clothing store told me this one day.)
I have put together a video featuring a sampling of some of these things we hear. I started to write the script and I could have made a 10 minute video with the scribbled comments I wrote down in just a few minutes. After twenty years of living with degenerative rheumatoid arthritis I have heard most of them.
And this fall I will be adding one to it with the spiritual comments people make about our illness. This will serve as a learning tool for churches and ministries.
This video above is not made with bitterness or to laugh at the expense of those who are trying to reach out to people who are ill.
I hope that those who are ill will know that when they hear these kinds of comments, it’s not personal–it’s just typical. Having someone brush off your disease or tell you that you just need an attitude adjustment is so common we included it in this video. You may wince, but remember this video at times like this and don’t give in to the urge to cry all afternoon because of what someone else may think of your situation.
And if you don’t have a chronic illness, I hope that this video gives you a glimpse into some of the words that sting. One man wrote, “Eye opening to me. My wife suffers from Sjogren’s Syndrome.” This is my hope. . . that it will be eye-opening to those who care about us and give them an opportunity to better understand the emotions involved with a physical illness.
If you like it, please share it! Pin it on Pinterest. Like it on Facebook. Share it on your wall. I have found that during Invisible Illness Week time, many people share things like this and friends begin to comment that they have an invisible illness too that you didn’t even know about. We also have 20 tweets on this very topic you can share as well over at our sister-site, InvisibleIllnessWeek.com.
Thanks, friends.
-lisa
Thanks to everyone in this video. I hear these all the time. So sad you feel no one understands. God bless all! Love you!
Hi Lisa,
I suffer with chronic migraines and have benefited from your website greatly.
When I read about the video it sounded intriguing to me. However, as I watched it, it actually had a negative effect on me. I have heard these types of comments in the past, but not so much now. And to hear them for 10 min (actually I only got through 4 1/2 min.) straight was not helpful or encouraging.
This was my experience.
I wonder if you could “pepper” it with some appropriate responses when these comment are made. And therefore show how we can express ourselves and help to enlighten the person who is trying to offer support.
Thanks for all you do,
Marci Arneson
Women’s ministry leader
Chicago Chuch of christ
i am a TBI survivor for 10 yrs now. yes i hear more frequently than you can imagine “gee you don’t look like you have a brain injury” “well at least there’s a lot of help for that now” “maybe you just think friends and family have been rejecting you since your accident” “by the way how did that happen?” I was on the phone with my mom and that’s the last thing i remember. my 11 yr old said she heard the phone drop then she heard me drop. when she went to check on me she found me unconcious with blood coming out of my ear. I don’t even remember the 2 wks i was in the hospital. Drs haven’t figured that out yet and they really don’t feel i need to go to them since there’s nothing they can do. you have no idea what it would like to be trashed by your mom that you don’t look act or dress your age. blah blah blah sorry to sound not nice but i’ve held this in for so long to honor the Lord by not being a inconveniece to my church family, worldly family or friends as that is not allowed. anyway yes i would maybe have ur actors speak what they would say not sound like their reading a script. btw i didn’t listen to the last minute or 2 bc a. i’ve heard it for so long and b. it only focused with illnesses. btw i have rods in my back and total knee replacement and get all those comments about physical. as far as having fibromyalgia from 1998 til my injury which i went from unimaginal pain to being totally well i sure know what that is like too. bottom line is we live in a world where people don’t have compassion for something until it happens to them or a loved one. blessings to all and pls forgive me if i offended anyone
I have heard these comments and a lot worse comments, as well. However, every person I know has some illness. Perhaps the people making these comments about sick people are actually in denial about their own illnesses. Let’s not take it personally. Let’s take care of ourselves and do activities we enjoy with people we enjoy. It sounds like more fun to go for a swim or take a walk in our favorite place.
so true! I think you are correct in it seeming that everyone ‘has something.’ and yes, if we can let go of it personally we will find so much more joy.
Thank you Lisa.